by Sue MacKay
Coming home hadn’t worked out how she’d thought it would. Mallory had Josue, and Maisie still wasn’t here. She and Jamie got along whenever they bumped into each other, but neither of them had sought out the other specifically to have time together. A sigh escaped. Just a couple more minutes and then she’d be on her way.
Jamie leaned back to look down at her. ‘Kayla? You sure you’re okay?’
She looked up into his eyes, which were as focused on her as they’d been on the patient a little while ago, deep and caring. ‘Yes, I am.’ But she didn’t want to leave this safety, this comfort, this place. This man.
Big pools of brown goodness locked on her, coming ever closer, until his mouth was on her cheek, a light kiss on one, then the other.
Her feet were lifting her up closer to his warmth, his understanding. When Jamie’s lips brushed her mouth she sighed. And brushed back, banishing more of that loneliness. Obliterating the feeling she’d had since the avalanche. It had taken over her determination to start again, made her feel that she was on the path to nowhere. It had slowed her down and dragged her back into the pool of sadness and worry clouding her future.
Standing this close to Jamie made her yearn for fun and happiness—with someone else, someone new. With him. Jamie. He made her long to kiss him and to be kissed. Her heels slammed down on the pavement. Her body tensed. This was all wrong. It could not happen.
Jamie’s firm hands took her shoulders, held her away just enough to break the connection, keeping her upright while her head spun. ‘We need to get back to our respective stations. We’re on duty.’ He stared at her as though boring a message into her.
‘You’re right.’ She didn’t get what the message was, other than she needed to move away, head back to work. But why, when she might’ve found what had been missing for so long? Why not grab Jamie’s hand and run away to a place where no explanations were needed, where they could get to know each other, to explore this sudden longing pulsing through her? As much as he clearly didn’t, she also didn’t want that. Getting hurt again wasn’t an option. Locking her eyes on his, she dug deep for air. Why wasn’t she feeling relieved that there was a gap between them? A physical and a mental one.
‘I am.’ His smile was soft, gentle and gave her hope that he might’ve found something he’d also been missing.
‘See you around?’ She hadn’t meant to ask.
The smile slipped off his lips. ‘So far we’ve mostly only met at accident scenes.’
‘We can change that.’ Where had this sudden desire to spend time with him come from? Hadn’t she started backing off from kissing him at the same moment he’d held her away? She wasn’t getting into a relationship, be it a fling or a one-night stand, or the whole caboodle. Jamie did make her feel more like the old confident, happy Kayla when he was near. He drove away the sadness she’d carried for too long. She was beginning to think there might be a chance at a future of some sort. But it was too soon, if it happened at all.
‘Kayla,’ Jamie interrupted. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t follow up on more than as a colleague. Not saying you don’t push my buttons. I’m saying I’m not in the market for a partner. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have held you like that.’
No, you shouldn’t have. Then I’d be striding back to the station, totally focused on what’s important.
Then his words sank in. He’d made a mistake, and was about to walk away. That hurt when it shouldn’t. It had already been obvious he wanted no part of a relationship when he hadn’t visited her again in hospital, or phoned through the months of her rehabilitation.
Whenever they did come across each other, she was jolted alive with one glance. Obviously the same didn’t go for Jamie. Which made it easier to keep to her decision of not getting involved. Didn’t it? She was tough so why not get to know him as a friend? ‘You’re rushing things. I don’t want a relationship either. But we can have a drink together some time.’
He stared at her for a long moment then seemed to make up his mind. ‘That sounds good. Now I need to get back to work. Let’s hope we don’t have any more call-outs tonight like the last one.’ He was stepping away, turning towards the fire station a kilometre down the road.
Kayla watched him walking off, knowing he would not be rushing to phone and suggest meeting up somewhere. She should be glad. She wasn’t getting caught up in a relationship again. She’d had her chance, the love of her life. It would be greedy to expect a second shot at a happily-ever-after marriage. As for a baby—forget it. Two miscarriages made her think she wasn’t meant to be a mother. The thought of another miscarriage also made her feel ill. They took their toll, left her bereft and feeling useless.
But watching those long legs eat up the distance, there was no denying she wanted to spend more time with Jamie. Even as a friend.
* * *
Jamie strode away, feeling a heel for wanting to kiss Kayla when she was upset over her patient. He’d let her down. Hell, he’d let himself down. He should’ve been strong, ignored the need ripping into him as he’d watched her coming out of the emergency department, her shoulders slumped, her body oozing fatigue. It had been hard to keep his distance. She’d got to him more than he’d realised. There were the few memories of talking with her, holding her hand on the mountain, seeing her vulnerability in hospital, her medical confidence.
Tonight she’d been amazing. That woman owed Kayla her life. Those memories rubbed salt into the undeniable fact that he couldn’t forget her, and it made him wonder if he was gutless for not taking a chance on a second relationship. Then he’d think of Callum and Ryder and know he was doing the right thing.
He’d kissed Kayla Johnson.
Holding her, breathing in her scent, feeling that soft body against his had turned him on. More difficult to ignore was the need she brought up in him for love. To have a special person in his life—someone to share the ups and downs, laughter and tears, someone to raise his kids with. A fierce need to run back and swing her up into his arms and kiss her senseless while carrying her away to some place where no one or anything could interrupt gripped him. No car accidents, no kids, nothing.
Passion had been missing in his life for so long he’d thought it was gone, but Kayla had woken him up. There was a bounce in his step that’d been missing. And it was all because of Kayla.
She was something else. From the moment he’d found her buried in the snow he’d felt a connection. Nothing large or all-consuming, more like an irritant, always scratching whenever he heard her voice or saw her with a patient. Not often. When their paths crossed he’d deliberately kept his fireman’s hat or S and R cap on to remind her—and him—of their places because she got him wound up and starting to question his need to remain single while Dylan and Callum were still young. What the hat hadn’t done was quieten the sense she brought with her of gaining something special.
He had to move on from temptation. The boys were finally settled into a smooth routine, having taken a long time to trust their parents to be there for them no matter what was going on between him and Leanne. How would he ever trust a woman to be there for ever? If Leanne could change her mind when they’d found in each other what they’d been searching for all their lives, why would another woman be any different? But Kayla set him alight with a need he couldn’t deny. Need he wasn’t going to fulfil. He wasn’t thinking love stakes here. He had to stay strong and steady, and stick by his guns. He was single and staying that way. He mightn’t like it, but that was how it was.
So there, Kayla.
So there, Jamie.
But he’d kissed her. What about a fling? He shook his head at that. A fling with Kayla would not be enough. He knew it in his bones. It went back to that connection the first time he’d held her hand, and knew it would be strong if he ever followed up on it. It might seem ridiculous, but he believed it.
‘You need a change of clothes, man.’ Ash stood in th
e doorway of the fire station.
His head shot up and he looked at his friend. ‘Didn’t know I was here already.’
‘Yeah, you looked like you were doing a spot of thinking. What’s got you in a twist?’
Nosy bugger. ‘Life.’
‘Profound.’ Ash laughed. ‘I’m picking it’s either that horrendous car accident I’ve heard about from the crew or the paramedic doing her utmost to save the woman’s life.’
Like he’d thought, nosy bugger. ‘Put the billy on, will you? Tea would be good about now. I’ll get out of this gear.’ Now that he was in the light he could see the blood smears on his jacket and trousers. ‘It was a messy scene.’
‘Apparently.’ Ash was no longer laughing or even smiling. ‘The cops called. The woman’s from Germany. She had a fight with her Kiwi boyfriend and drove off in a rage.’
‘That never works out well.’ He’d seen too many accidents caused by upset drivers. It was why he was so skilled with the Jaws of Life and why it hadn’t taken long to release the woman. Sometimes he wondered if he was a fireman or a vehicle dismantler.
He headed for a shower, the need to feel completely clean, to wash away the sights and debris from the accident taking over. There’d be no washing away the memory of Kayla in his arms, her back under his hand, her cheek against his chest, her hands on his waist.
No, it was going to take a whiteout to delete those images. But he had to try.
CHAPTER THREE
‘YOU HAVEN’T SAID how your holiday in Rarotonga went,’ Kayla said to Becca as they drove towards a dangerous fire where they were required on standby. Jamie had better not be there. Jamie and danger in one thought got her heart beating fast.
‘It was great, swimming, eating and drinking. The perfect relaxation after a hectic year. I’d recommend Raro to anyone.’
Kayla laughed. ‘I’m happy as a pig in muck, working. I missed this while I was out of action.’
‘You need a life, girl.’
I know. The one she had was all right, though the excitement came at a cost. Jamie had been out of sight but not out of mind since that night a few weeks back when he’d held her in his arms while the tension from saving the German woman had slipped away. According to Mallory, he’d been spending more time with his kids over the school holidays. He attended call-outs from home when he was rostered on. It was great how the fire department made it work for him. She’d phoned twice since Christmas but he’d been busy so she’d stayed away, sensing she was somehow intruding on his family life.
‘It’s good being behind the wheel of this beast. What more do I need?’ Kayla nodded at Becca.
‘If I have to answer that then you’ve got a problem.’
‘True.’ After all those months laid up with broken legs, work made her feel useful and needed, and helped the loneliness. ‘Thank you,’ she called as a car in front pulled abruptly to the side of the road to let her past. The flashing lights had done their job. ‘I hope nobody gets caught in this burning building we’re headed for.’ She had to voice her worry in the hope it stopped.
‘It’s an abandoned building beyond the airport, which used to be a hay and implement shed.’
‘The smoke must be playing havoc with flights. It’s blowing in the direction of the runway.’ Billowing black clouds beyond Frankton were unmistakable, enticing nosey townies to drive in the same direction as Kayla, and as fast—legal for her, not so for them. ‘Hope there’s a police checkpoint before we get to the scene. This lot aren’t welcome.’
‘I heard the guys talking on the scanner while we were at base. Two squad cars should be there.’
‘So the fire crew must want us because they’re concerned one of their own might get hurt.’ Kayla didn’t mind that. It was better than sitting in the station far away, waiting for a call that might not come but if it did it meant one of their own was in trouble. Any of the firefighters getting injured did not bear thinking about.
Was Jamie on duty today? It would be great to see him. She just couldn’t seem to get past him. Being held in his arms had made him so much harder to ignore. The way he understood her concerns, his gentleness when he was so big and tough. Lots of things about Jamie had her thinking about him way too often. ‘I hope it’s not a more dangerous scene than usual.’
Where had this negativity come from? Next she’d have all the fire crew in the back of the ambulance on the way to hospital just to get checked out for the hell of it. It was rare any of them got caught out at a fire. The safety precautions were intense, and from what she’d heard common sense was the first requisite for joining the service under Jamie’s watch. No ‘he man’ antics allowed. Only men and women with his attitude need apply. Strong, focused on what they did, and calm in tense situations.
Yeah, Kayla sighed. Jamie was all of those and more. The times she’d spent with him had had nothing to do with fire—except for the heat he created in her. When he’d retrieved her in her half-buried state with severe injuries, he’d looked after her, made her feel safe, and had given his hand for her to cling to. He was something else. Something she was supposed to ignore, not waste time thinking about. Then they’d kissed when he’d held her, and forget trying to pretend he hadn’t pressed her buttons. Impossible.
Becca diverted her with, ‘How’re your legs doing these days?’
‘They’re good.’ Still hurt like stink at times, but that was to be expected, especially the right one with all the extra steel and nuts and bolts it now contained. ‘I’m walking about six k a day, and should be fit enough to go on mountain rescues soon.’ The day she’d gone on a rescue before the accident she’d loved being out with the other searchers, doing something exciting and useful. Attending the meeting last month had been a break in the routine of nights at home and catching up with the people she knew through work and from when she’d lived here previously. Especially Jamie. Every time she saw him her spirits lifted, despite the way he remained friendly yet distant.
‘Gees, Kayla, don’t take it too easy, will you?’ Becca was shaking her head. ‘We’re glad you’re back on board the ambulance. We don’t need you having more time off due to overdoing the fitness regime.’
‘I like to be good to go all the time.’ Her head space also needed to be filled with work, medical problems, saving people, being busy. It dispelled some of the loneliness. Those months when she could hardly get around had driven her bonkers, the first weeks when she couldn’t do anything and had spent too many hours thinking about the past had made her gloomy. Now she was finally crawling out of that hole of grief brought on by losing Dylan and the baby. At last she believed she’d done the right thing to come back to family and friends and a job she loved despite having been wiped out by an avalanche.
‘You push yourself too hard.’
‘You reckon?’ Becca never hesitated over saying what she thought, and Kayla appreciated that after years of people tiptoeing around her after Dylan had died.
Their marriage had been wonderful. She’d felt loved and special and happy past measure. It had been beyond all her expectations and had tamed her rebellious streak while allowing room to be her own person at the same time. Life without Dylan had been empty. Now she was working at finding a balance. On her own. It was too risky to try for love. The thought of going through all that pain again terrified her.
Growing up, her mother had always expected her to be compliant while her brother, Dean, being a boy, had been allowed to do whatever he’d liked. Kayla had resented that and had gone out of her way to prove she was just as capable as he was, and nothing and nobody could stop her having fun. That attitude had got her into trouble at times but it had also made her strong and focused, which had helped to make her a champion skier. Yet that strength had disappeared in an instant the night Dylan had died, replaced by despair.
Dylan had been busy with night shifts at the hospital and studying for exams, and s
he hadn’t seen much of him for a few weeks. Then she had begun miscarrying for the second time and he’d dropped everything to rush home to be with her. Except he’d never made it, falling asleep driving on the motorway. His car had crossed two lanes and slammed into the barriers, spun around and been hit by a transporter. He’d never had a chance.
Stop it. Why turn all glum now?
Becca hadn’t finished. ‘Just go easy, all right?’ Then she laughed. ‘I’m wasting my breath so if you want a walking partner any time, give me a call. I like getting out of the house and taking in the fresh air. It’s my thinking time.’
Kayla shrugged. ‘Thinking’s the last thing I need.’ Do too much of that and Jamie slipped into her head space. Since she’d returned to work he should’ve been fading from her busy mind. Instead he was there more often.
Becca leaned closer to the windscreen. ‘That’s one hell of a fire.’
Kayla’s heart pumped harder. ‘Those firefighters had better not go in where it’s too dangerous.’ Except they’d do exactly that if they thought someone was inside. The whole idea of going close to an out-of-control fire, let alone inside a burning building, made her break out in a sweat. Each to their own, and fire wasn’t hers.
Give her a head-on crash victim any day. They broke her heart and pushed her abilities to save a life, but they did not drag out fear of being devoured by heat and pain. It was one of those phobias that came without reason and had been with her since she was a kid. Her dad used to be very careful, sometimes to the point of paranoia, about their log burner, but that shouldn’t have caused this aversion. Maisie reckoned she’d been burned in a previous life, which only made her laugh and had probably been the whole idea behind saying that.
The police had set up a barrier on the corner of the road they were headed for and were already waving her forward.
‘Thanks, guys,’ Kayla called through her open window, and received friendly smiles in return.