His expression was nothing but adoration as they looked at each other. Clearly both of them were right back in the middle of that day.
“Heck yeah, she’s just like her daddy. Look at the little thing…little spitfire isn’t about to let boys push her around, either.”
Adia was rambling incoherent orders to Connor where they played with a pile of wooden bricks on the floor.
Lyrik looked back at Zee. “Think it was something like thirty hours we were in there. Pretty much was about to go straight out of my damned mind with the worry. Can’t even imagine how our boy Ash is handling it right now. Surprised all the nurses on the floor aren’t running for the hills. Be willing to throw down some dollars Ash is back there being an overprotective beast.”
Austin chuckled, his glance a soft caress against his wife where he watched her hugging their daughter. “And my Edie barely made it to the hospital. Thought I was gonna have to pull over and deliver that baby girl in the backseat.”
Edie scoffed, though it was tender. “I’m pretty sure there would have been no delivering where you were concerned. You just about passed out as it was.”
Baz laughed, all tease. “Ahh, baby brother, just couldn’t man up and handle it when things got messy, huh?”
Shea nudged his arm. “Oh, you’re going to sit over there and give Austin a hard time?”
Shea hooked at thumb at her husband. “Y’all should’ve seen the way this guy was sweatin’ in that delivery room when I had Connor. You’d think he’d just run a marathon when I was the one trying to squeeze out a kid.”
Baz was all grins and affection. “Hey, I’m not too big to admit when you all have us outdone.”
“Survival of the fittest, baby.” Shea winked at him.
Tamar threw up a high-five to Shea. “Exactly.”
Lyrik held up his hands. “No arguments here.”
Zee shook his head. “Well, let’s just hope this one is as painless as it can be…both for Ash and Willow.”
He smiled at me, tugging at my hand. “Better get comfortable…this could be a while.”
I curled up next to Zee on a chair. Tamar and Shea were on the other side of me. I felt like a part of them, their quiet murmurings of encouragement, the low laughter that rang with support.
I couldn’t keep my eyes from the children. From the way Zee watched them with outright reverence. His demeanor was so soft.
But there was no missing the way it carried some of that grief each time his gaze landed on them.
Softly, I brushed his leg, my voice even softer, dipping my toes in a little deeper, trying to get inside him. “Do you want that someday? A family?”
His fists clenched, but still he looked at me, eyes so intense. Unyielding. “Definition of family means a lot of different things to different people.”
“What is your definition?”
“Commitment.” He said it without reservation, gesturing with his chin around the room.
“These people…I’d die for any one of them, Alexis. I’m committed to them. I don’t share blood with a single one of them, but that doesn’t matter in the least. They’re my family. Tried and true.”
I kept my voice discreet, our conversation private. Knowing I was pushing and not having the first clue how to stop myself. “But what about what they have? Love? Marriage? Children? Do you ever want that for yourself?”
He surprised me by grasping my face and forcing me to get up close to his. “You think I don’t, Alexis? You think if I could have it, it wouldn’t be the greatest fucking honor? But I already told you…I have my loyalties and they’re set in stone. I’m bound to them. It doesn’t matter how much I want more. He’s my life.”
We both froze the second he said it.
I blinked at him. Searching. Pleading.
Tell me.
Everyone’s phones dinged with text notifications at the same time.
Baz hopped to his feet with a huge grin on his face. “He’s here.”
All the couples took turns going back to meet the new baby. An hour later, I was at Zee’s side as we made our way to Willow’s room.
Zee tapped at the door that was already open a crack and popped his head inside. “Still a good time?”
“Yeah,” a deep voice uttered.
Zee nudged the door open a little wider and held it open for us to enter. Inside, the lights were dimmed, and Willow was propped in the bed.
Exhaustion rimmed her entire being. Though she glowed with a happiness unlike anything I’d ever witnessed before. It glimmered around her like a halo, as if she’d been lifted to another plane.
Her attention was fully on her husband, who sat in the chair next to her, holding the tiniest creature I’d ever seen in his massive arms. His head was dropped.
In a daze, he looked up when we approached.
Ash was such a big, burly guy. The couple of times I’d met him, he’d been full of laughter and quick with a tease. So it was a shock to see tears in his eyes, glinting with devotion, love, and wonder.
He blinked, words raw when he turned back to the child. “I have a son.”
Zee released my hand, intensity running wild as he edged deeper into the room. He set a hand on Ash’s shoulder and looked down at the baby, his voice rough. “He’s beautiful, man. So perfect.”
“I can’t believe it, Zee. Can’t believe I’m holding my son. Colton.”
My attention drifted to Willow, who was watching them through bleary eyes.
“Congratulations,” I whispered, not sure where I stood in the middle of this but humbled to be a part of it all the same. “I’m so happy for you.”
Her smile was soft when she glanced at me. “It’s the only thing I ever wanted.”
She turned back to them, her voice a breath of reverence. “A family.”
Ash looked at her. “I never knew it was exactly what I needed until I met you.”
Need.
I swear everything punched me in the gut. The overwhelming devotion. The belief that there were good things waiting all around us. I had so much to be thankful for in my life.
But what I’d been missing was someone to believe in me.
Until Zee.
This mesmerizing man who set his big hand so tenderly on the top of Ash and Willow’s son’s head. Affection and love poured from him. “You deserve it, man. You and Willow. Take it and cherish it and don’t ever let it go.”
Overcome, Ash nodded up at him, a silent understanding transpiring between the two.
I felt like a foreigner peeking in at something great. Missing the details. No question, their stories went deep, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t see the big picture, and I wanted to be a part of it.
Zee straightened. I took a step back when I saw his expression, staggered by the amount of emotion he held there.
Love and grief.
Fear and life.
He reached over and squeezed Willow’s hand. “You did good, Willow. So damned good.”
She nodded, and he released her and strode toward me. He took my hand without a word, and I mumbled a goodbye, wondering how I’d lost footing in those few moments.
We stepped outside into the hall where the rest of the guys had gathered.
“Ever think you’d see the day?” Baz asked.
Zee shook his head. “Nope, but I’m sure as hell glad I did. Anyone deserves it, it’s Ash.”
Baz punched his shoulder. “Maybe it’s time you started to believe you deserved some of this, too.”
I got the feeling Zee didn’t want to look at me. I squeezed his hand. A silent it’s okay.
The door opened behind us, and everyone turned to see Ash stepping out. He ran a hand over his face. Nerves seemed to shake him through. “Can I have a word with you guys?”
I didn’t even wait for someone to ask me to leave. I just brushed my fingers against Zee’s arm and said, “I’ll be right over there.”
I slipped over to the corner, wishing I was out of earshot and feeling l
ike a snoop when Ash’s words floated to me.
“I can’t do it…I’m so fucking sorry, but there is no way I’m going back out on the road and leaving them.”
Anxiety took to the air.
I backed a little farther away, knowing I shouldn’t be privy to something so private, but unable to get far enough away that I couldn’t hear them before I backed into a corner.
Lyrik shook his head. “You can’t just bail like that, man. Give it some time. You have a few weeks to process. Figure out how to make all this work. You just went through the most intense moment you’ll ever experience. Let it settle.”
“A few weeks?” Ash’s voice was incredulous. “I didn’t bring a kid into this world so I could have a few weeks with him before I left him behind.”
Something dark flashed through Lyrik’s face. “And you think I was ever wantin’ to go and leave Tamar and my kids behind? Not ever. Not once. But I did it because I had an obligation to the band. An obligation to you.”
Austin paced in a circle, agitated, his words suddenly flooding out. “I’ve got Ash’s back on this. We’ve got newborns. Newborns, man. Being on the road isn’t the way to raise a family.”
Lyrik’s laughter came across as scorn. “So, it was all fucking fine when I had to hit the road and leave Tamar and Adia? She was two months old. It nearly fucking destroyed me.”
“Then you get exactly why I can’t do this,” Ash shot out.
I didn’t want to see it, but I was watching wide-eyed when I saw the outright pain split Zee’s expression.
Baz set a hand on Lyrik and Ash’s shoulders. As if he were keeping them apart in the middle of a boxing match.
“How about we drop this right now, yeah? Think it’d do us well not to go causing a scene in the middle of the hospital on the day Ash’s kid is born. Let’s meet next week and we’ll talk it out. Figure what’s best. For everyone.”
Lyrik rubbed his face with both hands, dropped them just as fast. “Fuck…I’m sorry, Ash. Just hit me wrong, that’s all.”
Ash shook his head. “You think I want to do this? Hurt any of you? I just—”
He looked back to the room, as if he were tied in some elemental way. A band stretched between him and what waited for him behind the door.
Tugging and tugging and tugging.
No doubt that kind of draw left a man with zero resistance.
Baz gestured that direction with his chin. “Go. Be with Willow and your son. Enjoy this moment. We’ll deal with the rest of this shit next week. I don’t want you even giving it any consideration right now. You got me?”
Ash nodded as he backed away. “Thanks, man.” His gaze bounced to each of the guys. “All of you…you don’t know what it means to me. That you’re here. That my family is yours.”
Everyone nodded. All except for Zee, who still hadn’t said anything.
Pain leached the color from his face. Worry and questions spun. I started to go to him, but he was already on the move, stalking down the hall and out the double doors we’d had to be buzzed through to enter.
I followed. I could feel the surprised stares from Tamar, Edie, and Shea who had retreated back to the waiting room to sit with their children.
Zee stormed right by, not even offering a parting glance.
Panic bubbled up in my spirit. “Zee,” I called.
He increased his speed, only stumbling a fraction when he got to the elevators just as a man was stepping from it. The man was wearing a suit and carrying a big teddy bear in the crook of his arm and a bouquet of flowers in the other.
Familiarity flashed.
It took me only a second to realize he’d been with Zee that first day when I’d run into him outside the police station.
He muttered a few words I couldn’t hear at Zee, but Zee only shook his head, didn’t say anything as he hopped on the elevator.
I was right behind him.
Shock widened the man’s eyes when he saw me before his expression downshifted into anger and worry.
I hated the feeling of being out of place. The feeling that I might not belong. Insecure was something I’d never wanted to be.
But I couldn’t stop it under the weight of his stare, the stare I felt boring into me when I called for Zee again and rushed to get into the elevator with him before the doors shut.
Zee was panting, pacing the enclosed space.
“Zee,” I whispered.
His hands fisted, and he sped up again, a building cyclone of energy.
The doors opened at the first floor, and he flew out. I rushed behind him, out through the two sliding doors and into the sun. Zee stormed down the walkway that led down the side of the hospital building, only slowing when he got to an area with shade trees and benches.
He came to a stop facing away, his hand reaching out to support him on the trunk of a tree.
Warily, I touched his back. “Zee. Tell me what’s happening.”
He flinched, every inch of him rigid. “I can’t let this happen, Alexis. I can’t. I promised. I fucking promised.”
Agitation swirled through our connection, and I inched around him. Slowly. Carefully. Terrified he might push me away.
I wanted to hold him a little, the way he’d been holding me. I nudged him back, wedging myself in his space. I felt desperate to look into the depths of his eyes.
So I could see where Zee held his secrets.
So I could witness where he held his truths.
“What? Who did you promise?”
“Mark.” The word broke, and his hand fisted on the bark. “I promised him. Promised him no matter what, whatever the cost, I would keep this band together.”
I blinked up at him. “How could that ever be your responsibility?”
Bitterness shook his head. “It is my responsibility, Lex.”
He hit a fist against his chest. “It’s all on me. This band…these guys…they almost lost everything because of me. And when Mark died…I promised him I would keep them together. For him. That I would make sure they found those dreams they’d been living for.”
His lips pinched in torment. “I’ve spent seven fucking years, Alexis, seven years watching their every move. Trying to keep them out of trouble. Praying they’d make it home at night when they were out doing whatever they did.”
My brow pinched. “How was that on you?”
Mocking laughter ripped from his chest. “I was always the outsider, Lex. Always the one on the outside looking in. All of them treating me like a little kid when I was sitting there desperate to keep the pieces together.”
“Zee,” I attempted, but he pushed on, agony flashing in his eyes.
“And I thought maybe…maybe now that they were all growing up—now that they were getting married and finding families—I thought maybe that pressure was gonna ease up.”
“Hasn’t it?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I just…I thought Mark might be looking down, watching me, and I’d know I made him proud. Thought maybe now I could finally start working for those things I needed to make right in my life.”
Grief slammed me from every side.
He was so full of sacrifice and shame.
I reached out and set my palm on his rugged cheek. “What if Mark is looking down? How could he not be proud of you and what you’ve become? How could he not be looking down at the guys…his best friends…his family…and not be at peace, knowing every single one of them has found happiness? The good kind of joy?”
He trembled against my palm, that energy potent with the connection. “They had a pact, Alexis, a pact that they were going to make it no matter what. Nothing was going to stand in their way. Sunder is what Mark wanted more than anything in his life.”
I could feel the frown that pulled at my brow. “And how do you know that wouldn’t have changed for Mark? How do you know he wouldn’t have found love like the rest of the guys?”
He flinched with that.
Pain. It was so damned intense. I wanted to ca
ress it away.
“Priorities change, Zee. Don’t you see that? We grow and we learn and we find out some things are so much more important than the things we originally thought were the most significant. Sometimes we find they aren’t significant at all.”
Helplessly, he looked down at me. “I gave up my whole fucking life, Alexis. Everything. Everything I ever wanted. Every goal I ever made…every love I ever had…to keep that promise.”
“Zee,” I whispered, edging closer, letting the warmth zap and fire between us.
His breaths became shallower with every inch I erased. I tipped my face toward him. The man towered over me.
Caging.
Consuming.
Obliterating everything but him.
“Do you really think this is what Mark would want? You running around trying to keep things together? Terrified a piece is going to slip through the cracks and you aren’t going to catch it in time? What about what the rest of the guys want? What about what you want?”
His throat bobbed. “I owed him this, Alexis. Owed him everything.”
“How could he ever ask that of you? Expect that from you?”
Zee’s hands landed on either side of my neck. I could feel the wild thrum of my pulse beating against his palms. “Because I took everything from him.”
Bitterness shook his head, and he gritted the words as he studied his feet. “And I sound like some kind of pussy asshole…complaining when I’ve got the rock star life. When I’ve got more money than I could ever spend. Have more experiences than I ever thought I’d have. When I inherited this amazing family.”
He cut his gaze to me. “And all I fucking want is for them to be happy. For them to live the good life, whatever that looks like for each of them. I’m just not sure I know how to keep it all together any longer. Can feel it slipping away and, when it does, I’m going to be left without anything.”
The words broke, as if the thought of it broke his heart.
“Keeping them together doesn’t have to mean keeping them together as a band. What about family? And what about me? You have me,” I pleaded.
“Goddamn it, Alexis.” He grasped me tighter, a war in his gaze.
Am I worth the fight?
His mouth collided with mine. Dominating and devouring. His tongue fevered and his touch demanding as he pulled me closer, hands in my hair and gripping down my back.
Stand: A Bleeding Stars Stand-Alone Novel Page 20