by E. L. Todd
“Baby, you’re belittling my love for you. That’s not how I feel at all.”
“If you did feel that way, you would have turned down this offer the second you heard it. You would have known you couldn’t be without me for that long and knew you wanted to settle down here. But instead, you took the offer and hid it from me. Finn, this isn’t what you want. We both know that.” My heart was breaking the longer the conversation continued. I knew exactly how this was going to end—and it would end badly.
“I just told you I would stay here—”
“No. You said you would honor your commitment. That’s not the same thing at all. That’s not you saying you want to stay with me because you can’t live without me. That’s some stupid contract talk. That’s not what I want to hear. And as I said, you would just resent me. You were never meant to stay in Seattle. This was just something to do until you figured out your next move. Now, a new opportunity has presented itself, and you’re ready to take off. I’m just one of the people you met along your journey…a memory to hold on to.”
He moved his hands to his hips, the pain in his eyes.
“This is over.” The words came out of my mouth, but I refused to let the tears escape. I had to be strong, to keep a straight face as this man looked at me. After fantasizing about growing old with him, this loss was so much harder. I thought I would never have to live without him. But I was so wrong. “I don’t want to be with someone who wishes he were somewhere else. I don’t want to be the reason you can’t do what you really want. And I don’t want to make so many sacrifices just to keep you. It’s not fair to either one of us.” I hoped that Finn would suddenly have a change of heart, that his eyes would burn with tears and he would realize he couldn’t live without me. I wanted him to say he loved me so much that leaving was impossible. But I knew that would never happen because he would have turned down the job in the first place if that was how he felt.
He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you…”
“I don’t want to lose you either. But there is no other option.”
“Baby…” His hands cupped my face and brought our mouths close together. “I love you.”
“I love you too…”
He swiped his thumb across my bottom lip before he leaned down and kissed me.
But he didn’t fight for me. He didn’t tell me all the things I wanted to hear. So I kissed him back, but only halfheartedly.
He pulled away when my lips felt lifeless.
I grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands off my face. “I won’t wait for you, Finn. If you think you can spend a year in Uganda and then come back to me, you can’t. You should go to Minnesota afterward. You should sell your house and never come back. If you think in a few years we can find out way back to each other, you’re wrong. When you leave, that’s it for us. It doesn’t matter how much I love you. I will find someone else and have the life that I want. And I suggest you do the same.”
When he was at work, I packed all of my things and stuffed them into a bag.
Soldier sat on the bed, his snout on his paws. His brown eyes watched me move, and his somber attitude told me he knew something terrible was happening. Perhaps he could absorb my sadness, perhaps he could feel the despair that lingered in every inch of the house.
Or maybe it was just because tears streamed down my face.
I zipped up the bag with all of my things and sat on the edge of his bed. My beautiful future had been destroyed by a horrible reality. There would be no white wedding dress or a beautiful dinner to celebrate our nuptials. There would be no children or holidays. Finn would be another man who broke my heart. He would be a memory—a good one and a bad one.
I thought Colton was the love of my life, but that wasn’t true anymore.
It was Finn.
And I’d lost him.
Soldier shifted to my side then whined when he saw my tears. He rested his snout on my thigh then whined again, mirroring my emotions as if he really internalized everything I was feeling.
“Thanks, boy.” I ran my hand over his head and down his back. “I’m gonna miss you too. But I’ll still see you at Colton’s parents’. They have a huge backyard, so you’ll love it there. And I’ll see you all the time.”
Soldier whined again.
Our little family was breaking up, and it was so painful. I tried to remind myself it would have been a million times worse if we were married and had made this our house together. Ending it now was better than ending it later.
I kissed him on the forehead then rose to my feet. My ring was still on my finger, and the military tags still hung around my throat. It didn’t feel right to keep those things, not when they should be given to his wife someday. The tags carried the weight of his sacrifice in the military. When enough time had passed, they would be stuffed in a drawer somewhere, a haunting memory. They deserved to be worn proudly, either by him or by the woman he loved.
I pulled the ring off my left hand and admired it for a moment longer, treasuring the fact I was still his fiancée for a few more seconds. Once that ring was set on his nightstand, it would really be over.
I would be just like the other girls—someone from his past.
I admired the diamond another minute before I gently set it on the nightstand. It made a gentle tap before it sat still. The blinds were closed and the lighting was minimal, but somehow, the diamond still shone brightly on its own.
I pulled the necklace off next and admired the tags with his name engraved in the metal. My thumb brushed over the grooves, and once the weight had been lifted off my neck, I felt off-balance. The removal of the weight wasn’t freeing. The absence of the necklace somehow felt heavier.
I brought one of the tags to my lips and gave it a kiss before setting it on his nightstand.
Then it was done.
We were officially over.
I grabbed my bag and walked to the front door, knowing my Uber would be there in just a few minutes.
Soldier followed me, his ears and tail both down. He whined when I opened the door, as if he somehow knew I wouldn’t come back.
Leaving Soldier was like leaving a child. He might be just a dog to some people, but he was so much more to me. I started to sob because saying goodbye to him was somehow harder than saying goodbye to Finn. I squatted down and wrapped him up in a tight hug. “I love you so much, boy.” Tears streaked down my cheeks and into his fur. I held on to him for a long time because he’d become such a close friend to me. I loved him with all my heart. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
He whined again, as if he knew I was saying goodbye.
I couldn’t look at him again, not when I was about to leave that house forever. I grabbed my bag and turned away, making sure to close the door without looking back.
I sat on the couch and watched the light fade with the setting sun. My bottle of wine was on the end table beside me, my lipstick smeared around the rim of the bottle. As the sun disappeared, my apartment fell deeper and deeper into shadow. But I didn’t care enough to get up and turn on the lights.
Everything seemed pointless in that moment.
My left hand felt so light, my ring finger so lonely. Without that ring, I felt like I’d lost a part of myself—a part that belonged to Finn. Now I didn’t know where I belonged in this world. So far, I’d been existing in a fantasy world, picturing my future children and the wonderful life we would have.
Now I was back to square one.
But this time, it was worse. It hurt much more than my divorce.
Colton stepped through the door and didn’t seem alarmed that it wasn’t locked. He took one look at me on the couch, reading my lifeless eyes and permanent frown, and figured out exactly what happened.
Wordlessly, he sat on the couch and pulled me into his arms, protecting me against something he couldn’t shield me from. The damage had been done. My heart was broken a second time—and this time, it couldn’t be fixed.
My eyes were puffy from the
spent tears, and my body was immobile from the shock. I left him pull me against his chest and felt the warmth of his skin. He smelled just the way he used to because he’d been wearing the same cologne for years.
He rubbed my back then pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’m so sorry, babe…”
“I should have listened to you.”
The light left his eyes at my comment.
“He’ll never change…he’ll never stay in one place.”
Colton was truly at a loss for words while he continued to rub my back without saying anything in return. There was nothing to mask my pain, nothing to console me. Finn would never be tired of that life. He needed to be free, free until old age humbled me. Some other woman fifteen years younger than him would be at the right place at the right time. She would get a new diamond ring on her finger, paid for by the money he got from exchanging my ring.
And where would I be?
Would I be married to someone else? Would I be happy? Would I have children?
I’d gone through heartbreak twice in less than two years, and I was sick of it. I was tired of looking for Mr. Right.
Maybe Mr. Right didn’t exist.
A knock on the door woke me up.
I was in Colton’s arms, warm because of the blanket he pulled over both of us. I jerked at the sound, disoriented by the commotion as well as the emotion that burned in my heart.
Colton woke up too. “Someone is at the door.”
I knew exactly who it was.
Colton got up and answered the door, flicking on the light at the same time since it was so dark in my apartment. The open door revealed Finn on the other side, dressed in jeans and sweatshirt. He didn’t seem surprised to see his brother at all.
Colton stepped around him, ignoring his brother as he vacated the apartment. With just his silence, he showed Finn how disappointed he was.
Finn stepped inside and shut the door behind him.
I sat up and didn’t bother fixing my hair or smeared makeup. I could always pretend it got messed up because I’d been sleeping…not because I’d cried my eyes out on and off all day.
He stood near the coffee table and looked down at me, waiting for me to meet his eyes. “You took all your stuff.”
“I didn’t want to stay there anymore.” I rose to my feet and finally mustered the courage to look him in the eye. My arms crossed over my chest, an extra barrier to keep away from him. Instead of holding on to him as long as I could, I wanted to let go. He’d already showed his true colors when he agreed to that trip without even mentioning it to me. Our relationship died that moment.
“I thought we could be together until I left.”
Was I stupid for hoping he would come here to declare his love for me? To say that he wanted to participate in this mission, but he would much rather spend the rest of his life with me? How did I fall for this man so easily? How did I give my heart and soul to him when he didn’t deserve it? I was supportive when he went to Florida because that was what relationships were about—sacrifice. But he would keep draining me of sacrifices until there was nothing left. “No.” That was the best answer I could get out. I didn’t want to explain my reasons, not when our last conversation had been more than sufficient.
“Then I’m going to leave in three days.” Expressionless, he spoke like he didn’t feel a single emotion inside that hollow chest. How could he leave me without regret? How could he decide to go when he loved me?
“Take care.”
His eyes narrowed in disappointment. “Please don’t be like this.”
“How do you want me to be, Finn?” I countered. “You want me to keep loving you like everything is okay? You want me to pretend everything is fine? You broke my heart. Colton warned me not to fall in love with you, and he was right… He was right the whole time.”
He lowered his gaze.
“Maybe you do love me…just not enough.”
“Baby—”
“Just go.” When Finn walked out that door, I would never see him again. He would travel to Africa then relocate to the Midwest. I wouldn’t even see him for holidays. He would be gone from my life permanently—but that couldn’t happen soon enough. I was tired of getting my heart broken by men who didn’t deserve it. I wanted to close this chapter of my life and move on—and make better decisions. I didn’t want to hug him and kiss him one last time. I didn’t want to tell him I loved him. He’d tortured me when he gave me that empty proposal. He’d asked me to love him for the rest of my life. But the offer was conditional—until something better came along.
Finn didn’t try to touch me. He didn’t give me a goodbye kiss. His eyes were emotionless as he looked deep into mine. While I was crying a river inside, he seemed robotic. He was a strong man without deep emotion like the rest of us, but I’d still hoped he would feel something. “You left your ring.”
“Because I don’t want it. Sell it.” Why would I want another diamond ring in my nightstand when I already had one? It would just be a sad pile of men who didn’t really love me. Colton preferred men. Finn preferred life. I was never the most important thing to either of them.
Finn didn’t try to argue with me.
“Now, go. This relationship is over, so we have nothing left to say to each other.” I turned around, not wanting to watch him walk out of my life. I didn’t want to see him leave me, watch him pursue his dreams. He would go back to having any woman he wanted, forgetting about me after a few notches on his bedpost. It’d be like this never happened. He wouldn’t have to face his brother again because he’d been far away, so it didn’t matter to him that he might have ruined their relationship. This man didn’t care about anyone but himself—and I wasn’t sure why I’d allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with him.
His footsteps didn’t sound as he headed to the door. Instead, he came closer to me, his chest close to my back. He reached inside his pocket and felt something metal before he raised both hands above my head and lowered a necklace over my throat.
When he released, I felt the weight that had been missing since I’d removed it earlier today. The tags clanked together at my breasts, his name still right next to my heart. He pulled his hands away. “You’re the love of my life, Pepper. I want you to have this…because there’s no other woman in the world I would ever give it to.”
Tears pooled in my eyes until they dripped down my cheeks. I did my best to stay quiet, to not let quivering lips make a single sound. I refused to show my pain, to collapse with weakness. When he walked out that door, I would give in to my grief, but not a moment sooner.
He finally turned away, his footsteps sounding against the hardwood floor. His movements were slow, like he hoped I would change my mind and ask him to stay for the night.
I continued to hold my breath until he was gone, to keep my tears in check before I was surrounded by privacy. I didn’t tell him I loved him one last time. I’d spent our entire relationship showing him my devotion every single day. He was the one who decided to leave, so I refused to be pathetic and give my heart to him—again.
He opened the door, walked out, and shut it behind him once more.
When I heard the click of the door as it stationed itself in the frame, I closed my eyes and allowed the tears to stream down my cheeks. I gave in to the grief that flooded my body, and I sank to the floor, the weight of his necklace too much to bear. My bottom hit the rug, and I leaned against the couch, seeing my reflection in the dark TV screen. My arms crossed over my chest, and I gripped myself hard as the tears shook my rib cage. I broke into infinite pieces, like a shattered diamond. Dust flew everywhere, pieces that could never be put back together. Colton had broken my heart, but I’d managed to bounce back. But I couldn’t bounce back this time.
This time, I was defeated.
Also by E. L. Todd
Finn did the unthinkable.
He left.
Just as my parents abandoned me, he left to live a better life.
It took so long to
pick up the pieces, but I've sworn to never fall in love again.
And to never take Finn back...no matter how much begs.
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