by Kat Addams
“I can’t go, Chris. Sorry. And I don’t see how this is going to work long-distance anymore. I’ll not do it to myself. I love you. You know that. I told you. You can’t even make a commitment to me, yet you want me to give up all I have and come backpacking across the continents with you?”
“We wouldn’t exactly be backpacking. My agent’s been booking some really nice hotels,” he tried. “Of course I don’t want you to give up everything for me. You can come home anytime you want actually! When you are tired of it and get homesick. Just say you’ll think about it, please? I don’t want to lose you. I know you think, whenever I talk about limerence, it means just that, nothing. But it means something to me. I’m doing my best.”
Klara thought that Chris’s best just wasn’t good enough anymore. She wanted to tell him to roll his limerence up and shove it up his ass, but instead, she played nice. The night was already ruined. She didn’t want the last weekend with him forever to be ruined either. That was what she got for letting down her walls and letting Mr. Superstar in anyhow.
“I’ll think about it. But I don’t see it working.”
“Okay. Thank you for thinking about it at least,” he said as he leaned down and kissed her forehead. He was hopeful, but like with his decision to leave, he already knew. This was the last time he was going to see Klara. He all of a sudden was dizzy. He’d made his choice, but he hadn’t prepared for this. “Was there something you were wanting to ask me, Klara?”
“I already forgot. It was nothing, I guess. I’m pretty tired though. Gonna do a quick rinse in the shower and change the sheets, okay? You can watch some TV or do some work while I get the bed ready again. Make yourself at home.”
“Can I join you for that quick rinse? I’m all sticky, too,” Chris said solemnly. He could tell she wanted to get away from him.
He was no good at this relationship thing. She deserved better. He suddenly felt two inches tall and ashamed to even be next to her.
“It’s a tiny shower. I’ll come get you when I get out. Deal?” Klara didn’t want him seeing her cry. She needed some time alone to go over what had just happened and what the future held for her now.
A few minutes ago, she had heard wedding bells, but now, all she heard were funeral bells. His funeral. Because, if she stayed here much longer, looking at him, she was going to send him into an early grave.
Chris nodded, knowing she needed to be alone and away from him. He knew. He already knew.
thirteen
Chris had really messed up this time. The whole weekend had been awkward with little mention of what was to come next. He tried to bring up the trip again, but Klara only said she was still thinking about it. Of course he knew she had a career she was working on, but he still held out hope that she would throw caution to the wind and come along on this adventure. Selfish, he knew. He couldn’t exactly pass up this opportunity though. This was a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
She has to understand that, doesn’t she? I can’t just pass this up, can I?
The way she was somber, quiet, and definitely not herself told him otherwise. He did all he could to put them back in the moods they had been in before he told her about the offer. He took her back to The Peabody for a rooftop drink, they went shopping together for Ernestine and Hazel, they went for a run together, they made love all hours of the day and night, and he even cooked her his special breakfast—chocolate strawberry crepes. But, no matter what Chris did or said, Klara was still in another world. Her gaze looked right through him. Her lips turned up into a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. A fake smile.
He glanced over at her as she sat beside him on the couch. Her hand lazily digging in the popcorn bowl. Bowl to mouth, bowl to mouth. It was almost as if she were a robot. Her focus on the TV in front of her and nothing else.
What is she thinking?
“Klara?”
He seemed to have broken her trance, as she slowly turned her head toward him.
“Yeah?”
“I leave tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“We haven’t talked about the travel,” he said, taking her hands in his and commanding her attention.
“I know that, too,” she sighed.
“I kind of need to know something. I really hope you say yes. I don’t know how—”
“How we will date with you on the other side of the world? It’s impossible, and honestly, I’m not putting myself through that. I can’t wait around on you. How is that fair to either of us?”
“I know; you’re right.”
“And, another thing, what about my school? You think I’ll just sacrifice all of my work to run around and support yours?”
“No, not at all.”
“Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming off a little bratty. But I thought this was real. I thought we were real. I mean, I told you I loved you, Chris! And, now, you’ll be so far gone; it’s almost as if you’ll have never existed.”
“Don’t say that! Of course what we have is real. You know how I feel about you.”
“Oh, do I? Because you don’t ever say anything, except you have limerence for me. Limerence, and that’s it. That isn’t love, so I can see where your opportunity was such an easy choice for you to make.”
“But it wasn’t an easy choice. At all.”
“From what you said, you made a quick decision!”
“I was under pressure from my agent. And I guess I didn’t think it through.”
“You didn’t think it through, or you did, but you are still afraid of what you’re feeling and decided this would be a good time to run away from it?”
Damn, Chris thought. How does she read me like that?
She knew him more than he knew himself and was quick to call him on his bullshit.
But what can I do about it? He needed her. That much he knew.
They were both so good for each other. But he was so afraid he would hurt her and tried everything not to, and here he was now, looking into eyes that were about to spill over with tears.
“Oh, Klara,” he muttered, bringing her in for a hug. “I do commit to you. Fully. If you want to make this work long-distance, we can. I’m sure I can come back a few times during the year. It’s not like it’s forever.”
Klara pushed him back and held him at arm’s length, looking straight into his eyes. “Listen, Chris. I’m so happy for you. I really am. I know that offer is once in a lifetime. I don’t blame you for taking it. I just wish you thought I was once in a lifetime, too. We clearly don’t feel the same about each other.”
Chris’s mind raced. He was losing her, and he deserved to. She was right. She was once in a lifetime.
The book tour can wait, can’t it? He started to panic and second-guess himself. Maybe he could figure out how to come back every month.
“Maybe I can figure out how—”
“No. Just go, Chris. I’m not letting you give up all you’ve worked hard for in life for me. Just go.”
“But I—”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. It’s fine. You can come back one day and tell me all about your exploring.”
“Okay, Klara. Is that what you want?”
Of course it’s not what I want, you fool, she thought.
“It’s what I want for you. I love you, and to love someone is to want them to be happy. I want you to be happy even if that means you’re no longer in my life. I want what’s best for you.”
You’re what’s best for me, Chris thought.
But he had broken her enough. He knew he had to take the trip. All he could do was hope that they would cross paths again in the future, and maybe then he wouldn’t be such a coward. But he also knew, by then, she would probably hope to never see his face again.
“Okay, Klara. I’ll go. But I would’ve taken you with me. Know that. And I would’ve come back as much as possible for you. Know that, too. You make me feel … like I’ve not felt ever before, and it does scare me.”
Well, it doesn’t scare you e
nough, Klara thought.
If Chris really were scared, he would be more scared of losing me, right? How can I expect him to give up his career for me anyway?
She realized she was acting a little like a spoiled brat. She wouldn’t give up her career for him, and he wouldn’t for her. He had a life. She had a life. They just happened to have a brief fling. Never mind that it was the most exciting and romantic thing to ever happen to Klara. It was just that—a brief fling. She should have stopped it that first time he left.
“We can keep in touch. I’m sure I’ll hear your name around a lot anyway. Even if I don’t want to,” she said barely above a whisper.
“I will be sure to keep in touch with you. You’ve got a special place in my heart—always.”
Klara just nodded and turned her attention back to the TV. Her heart completely shattered.
The kittens woke them early, swatting their noses until they got up to feed them. Klara wished she were used to this treatment by now, but she wasn’t. She was a peon in her own house. The real asshole was Hazel, but they both were mischievous bastards. Twice in the last few days, she had awaken to something crashing in her living room. Usually, it was Hazel who had knocked something over. And she hadn’t even accidentally done it, Klara was sure. Because, once, Klara had seen her sit next to a tiny ceramic-potted succulent, and the cat had just swiped her paw at it, knowingly knocking it to the ground. Just for fun? Klara had never seen any animal act like such a jerk before. Of course she’d had to adopt fur babies that were psychos. That was her luck.
“Shh … ” Chris shushed the kittens. “You stay put, Klara. I’ll feed them.”
“No, I gotta get up anyway. Doesn’t your flight leave early? I’ll take you to the airport.”
“I can get a cab. You go back to sleep.”
“No way, Chris. I’m sending you off at least.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll make some coffee and feed the varmints.”
Klara slowly lifted herself out of the bed and warmed her shower up. It was still dark outside, but a faint light was starting to come through her blinds. She wished she were back at the river, watching the sunset. Away from here and the good-bye she was about to swallow. She could feel her throat start to tighten as she held back tears. No use in crying now or again. She loved him and was letting him go. That's what love is, right?
The world tour was an amazing opportunity for his career. She couldn’t fault him that. She just wished he hadn’t cast her aside so easily. She thought he had loved her, but by now, if he did, he would have said it. He would have at least given her that because, truth be told, he had given her everything else.
Klara kept telling herself she was happy to have experienced the whirlwind romance she did. What was that heartbreaking quote? Don’t cry because it ended but smile because it happened. Something like that. She tried. She would get through it. She always did.
She stepped out of the shower, drying herself with the brand-new fluffy towels she’d bought to impress him. He sat directly in front of her, on the bed and still undressed.
“I’m done in there. You can shower now,” she said, keeping her eyes on his and not on his stupefying package.
“Come here.” He pulled her toward him and onto his lap. His arms encircled her as he held her tight, passionately kissing her.
Klara pulled back, cupped his chin with her palms, and gently kissed his lips. “I can’t do this. It’s already hard enough. I just can’t. Sorry, Chris.”
“I understand. It’s okay. I just wanted to remember us the way we were before all this,” he said, waving his hands around at the drama surrounding them.
“I’m trying. I really am.”
“I know you are,” he said as he made his way to the shower.
Klara turned away from him, holding her breath and steadying herself. In just a few short hours, he would be gone. She could hold herself together until then at least. She slipped on her big-girl panties, put her hair up in a this is business bun, and prepared herself for the drive.
The airport wasn’t very far from Klara’s condo, so she made sure to drive extra, extra slow and prolong this last time she would see him. Her foot was barely on the gas pedal, and the radio was turned off. Silence. Complete silence was what she needed.
But Chris was the opposite. His nervousness made him chatty. He talked on and on about her book, her agent—who he knew as well—the publishing process, the kittens, her crack cookies, and every other detail from the weekend.
“Also, I’m going to send over my itinerary as soon as Marcy gets it to me, okay? You’ll be able to track me anytime you want, or you know, come surprise me by waiting, naked, in my hotel bed. And also, don’t let me forget; there’s this app you’ll have to download, so we can keep in touch with voice chats and texts. I’ll get that to you, too. And, another thing, e-mail me when you hear from your agent. You have to let me know what’s going on with your story. I’m so excited for you,” he rambled on and on.
Klara only nodded back to him as they pulled into the parking lot. She was afraid to open her mouth or else she would let out a wail to wake the dead.
“Come on. I’ll walk you in,” she mumbled.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to do that. Let’s go send you off to your big adventure!” She smiled. Her voice strained and catching as she tried to fake her chipper mood.
Chris looked visibly uncomfortable but took her hand anyway and brought it to his lips. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, Klara Woods.”
She winced and picked up his luggage. She was on the very edge of a really big ugly cry, and he had to go and keep being so damn dreamy.
They walked to the ticketing gate, hand in hand. Neither saying another word. Chris was agitated, biting his lip. Or was that to keep from crying? Klara didn’t know what to think of his behavior, and she didn’t have to anymore. No more guessing, no more hoping, just being. She struggled with the ever after.
Should I just forget about him like it never happened? Or should I be happy it did and hold on to the fond memories and embrace my heart being ripped to shreds? One day at a time. That’s what I’ll do. One day at a time, she thought.
“You’d better get in line. It looks like it might take a while.” she nodded in the direction of security.
The line snaked around the lobby of the bustling airport.
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
Chris set his luggage down and went in for a full-on passionate embrace, jarring Klara from her weakness. She wanted to fight back, but she was already as limp as a dishrag, letting herself melt into him. She kissed him back with as much desire and ache as she could muster up in her very broken spirit.
They stayed like that, holding each other for what seemed like an eternity. But she was the first to let go.
“Thank you for everything, Chris. You’ve taught me so much in so little time. You’ve changed me. Completely. I feel like I know myself better, and I have a new outlook on life and where I want to go. I didn’t have that before you. I just lived day to day, the same mundane routine. So, thank you for inspiring me to live a bit more,” Klara muttered, gritting her teeth to hold back the tears.
He shook his head and took a deep breath. “It’s you who changed me, Klara. Where once I lived in black and white, you’ve shown me color. You awakened me. If I could stay here … if I hadn’t gotten the damn offer … I could … ”
“No, let’s not go down that road. Let’s keep it bittersweet. No hard feelings. Okay?”
He nodded, and Klara could see his jaw was clenched, too.
“Remember not to be so tied down to your alarms, schedules, calendars. I see you blossom when you’re free, Klara. My sweet, blossoming flower,” he whispered as he leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Oh, and don’t go falling into anyone again and hurting yourself for the sake of a fairy tale,” he joked, trying to lighten the mood.
Some fairy tales are worth it, she th
ought as she curled into his chest and hugged him for what she knew would be the last time.
She could feel his heartbeat against hers. His hands tight on her back, pulling her into him. She took a deep breath, breathing him in one last time. Her head swimming with his scent. That was going to stick with her forever, she knew.
“Good-bye, Chris,” she said, pulling away and turning to go before the floodgates were released and she looked like a fool. Fools rush in, and this is what happens? Her knees were beginning to feel like they were about to give out. She could feel the panic rise in her chest. She had to get out of there.
“Good-bye, Klara,” he said, watching her quickly run in the opposite direction. The lump in his throat closing in as he bit his lip bloody.
He waited and waited to see if she would return, but eventually, he gave up and headed to his gate. She was gone, and she had taken a part of him with her.
Klara barely made it back to the car before tears started streaming down her face. She hopped in, locked the doors, and rested her head on the steering wheel as she gave herself up to grief. Her body shook with each sob. She couldn’t drive back home now if she wanted to. She’d had her heart broken before, but this was on another level. She loved Chris with everything she had. He was her soul mate. At least, that was what she thought.
But do soul mates run away?
Her mind raced on how she was going to get through this, and she knew she would have to let him disappear. She took out her phone and blocked every single form of contact he had for her. Social media, gone. E-mail, gone. Phone, gone. It wasn’t the first time she’d had to cut someone out of her life. It was just the way she dealt with things. Walls go up, and—poof—just like that, her heartbreaker disappeared. Klara knew it probably wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with life, but for now, it was her only choice to survive.
Chris looked out the window and down below as the plane took off. He could still smell her scent on his clothes, feel the grip of her hands clasped in his, her lips soft against his skin. He wondered if he would ever feel again the way he felt when he was with Klara. He closed his eyes and imagined her beside him, them both excitedly talking about their trip, seeing the world together. He imagined himself falling for her more and more. Letting himself go, letting himself love. Maybe even proposing to her overseas. Somewhere romantic. A French café? A sunset in Rome? A chalet in Switzerland? If she had only said yes and thrown caution to the wind. But he knew that wasn’t Klara, and he knew it wasn’t him either.