by Kyle Rutkin
I wanted people to know.
I was sunken into the couch. Cartons of takeout and bottles of booze spread out before me. Late Night with Jimmy Kimmel was on. Kelly was the guest. That meant she was in Los Angeles and she didn’t call me. She should have reached out. I grabbed a bottle of vodka and took a long, slow swig. She was wearing tiny black shorts and a white blouse, her long, skinny legs perched in patent leather heels. Jimmy did a double-take and made a face to the audience like Wow!
She was good on camera. Her gestures and facial expressions were instinctive. She could turn an audience in seconds. She was mature, fun, witty. Bantering back and forth. Delivering a punch line at the precise moment.
Kimmel insinuated that her activities hadn’t been so sweet and innocent as of late.
She said it was part of her spiritual path and told him not to worry, that she’d be home by curfew. The audience laughed on cue. Jimmy had this shtick where he showed flashcards of paparazzi pictures of stars.
“Look at this one,” Kimmel said. “TMZ caught you eating a corn dog at 4:00 a.m. Is it safe to say you like gas station corn dogs?”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t like corn dogs, Jimmy.” She paused. “I freakin’ love corn dogs.” The audience laughed.
“We also have a picture of you with a couple of handsome guys,” said Kimmel. Then he pulled out a picture of Kelly and me on the red carpet.
I sat up on the couch. I took a swig.
“This is the author of your favorite novel, correct? Kaleb Reed, right? Will you be having beautiful babies with him?” asked Jimmy.
She smiled. “No, Kaleb and I are good friends. When I read his book, I had to meet him. It was that good.”
“So, nothing there? Does he know that? I’ve seen the video of him pummeling one of your fans. He must have missed the memo.”
“Nope, just friends. But if he ever decides he wants a career as my maniac bodyguard, I would be happy to consider him.”
The audience chuckled.
My hands clenched around the bottle of booze.
Kelly crossed her legs, placed her hands in her lap, and her blue eyes turned toward Kimmel, intensely.
Fuck you.
“Fuck you!” I screamed.
The bottle smashed against the wall.
A carton of old Chinese food was next, splattering alongside the vodka dripping down the cheap plaster. I want you to fall in love with me. I flipped the coffee table over. She didn’t get to do that.
“What do you want from me?” I screamed.
She couldn’t claim me and then run away.
I signed my services over to her
She couldn’t discard me at will.
She needed to come back for me.
She was mine.
And I was hers.
I paced, took a deep breath. The show had gone to commercial. I stared down at my book on the carpet. I wiped away sauce from the cover. A twisted thought. As an author, it’s a joy to watch your characters come to life, seeing them react and respond on the page. It’s a thing of beauty. It really is.
A good writer understands his characters like his children. He doesn’t have to manipulate the action or force the dialogue. I didn’t outline a single chapter of Pay Me, Alice. Everything AJ did was on his own accord. Or real. I’ll let you decide. Like when he took out an ad in the local newspaper five weeks after he slept with Alice. It was a full-page ad in the only section she ever read: the obituaries. Alice told him it put life into perspective. Our lives are small. Just a few brief lines in the paper. Focus on what is important. So, AJ’s ad said, I have always focused on what is most important. I’ll be waiting when you’re ready. —AJ
What a grand, romantic, gesture. I was proud of AJ for doing that. Not stalkeresque in the slightest. That was love. You do what you must. Why not take a cue from my own character? I was staring at the picture of me and Kelly lying in bed. A wicked thought…I typed in the email to the Huffington Post reporter I had been talking to the day before. This would show her. He had asked me in an interview if I had a romantic relationship with Kelly and I said no. I always said no. I was trained to say no. Section II of the contract I signed required it. But things were different that night. I wanted her attention. She deserves this.
I attached the picture of Kelly and me in the email. In the subject I wrote, “Does this answer your question?”
Three days after he bought the ad, Alice came to AJ’s door, holding the newspaper, crying. Their affair began.
It worked for AJ.
It would work for me.
Lizzy: What a pathetic cry for attention. Listen, Kelly could spill spaghetti on her shirt and make the front page of the tabloids. Now imagine what a damaging photo like that could do? The guy showed his true colors. She finally understood how dangerous he was.
Jez: Oh please. Kelly was flattered. It made her feel like the real-life Alice. She thought it was hot. She would never tell Lizzy that, of course. Plus, she looked so sexy in that photo.
Lizzy: I have no problem talking about the trip to New York. It was three days after the author leaked that little cuddling photo. I went because I needed my best friend. Not sure if you know, but my show didn’t get picked up for a third season. The thought of life after television terrified me. What was I going to do? I could barely land a horror movie with ten speaking lines. I didn’t have the following Kelly had. I couldn’t just steal headlines like her. So, yeah, I accepted her invitation to New York. I wanted to make up with her. I wanted my best friend back.
Jez: Please. She didn’t come to New York to be Kelly’s friend. She came to save her own skin. She needed Kelly’s publicity to survive.
Lizzy: He wasn’t supposed to be there. Kelly swore to me she’d break up with him after the leaked photo. That was the last straw. I knew she would be upset, but that’s fine. It would be just the two of us, watching movies and eating ice cream. Making our dream vacation plans to France. Venting about boys, shooting our YouTube movies, all of it. It was going to be the perfect weekend.
Jez: Surprisingly, the first night went well…I knew it wouldn’t last. It was only a matter of time before Lizzy snapped. Such an ungrateful bitch. It makes me angry just thinking about the things she said.
Lizzy: I tried to play nice. I really did.
Jez: If that’s nice, I’d hate to see what mean is.
Lizzy: Did I say things I regretted? Absolutely. But Kelly needed to hear the truth. She needed to know how this was going to end.
Jez: Things with Kelly and Kaleb changed after New York. They were…closer. Guess it’s true what they say—the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, I think Kelly did things just to spite Lizzy. That isn’t gossip; that’s just the truth. Lizzy was jealous. I mean, she got the spin-off, she got Barry’s attention, she got everything she wanted, and she still wasn’t as popular as Kelly. Then the network doesn’t renew her show? Oh my gosh. She had nothing left but Kelly’s coattails to ride on.
Lizzy: Sex tape? No. Not Kelly. No matter what the media portrays, Kelly was prudish off camera. She didn’t do things like that. Unless she was under some emotional spell, or some horrible influence. He was the one who wanted the attention. And trust me, he would have done anything to get it. The more fame, the higher the stakes. The higher the stakes, the greater the fall. And that man was all about the fall.
Jez: Yeah, I know they did some filming. I watched some of the clips. It was hot.
The Real Kelly Trozzo
TheInsideJuice.com Interview 2019
INSIDEJUICE: Just to confirm, you’re saying that your costar, Noah Tash, got you pregnant?
TROZZO: That’s correct.
INSIDEJUICE: What did you do?
TROZZO: I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done—tell my manager. Barry had two sides. When I obeyed him and the money was flowing, he played the doting father. There wasn’t a jewel or a present he wouldn’t buy me. But when things didn’t go according to his plan, when he di
dn’t have control, it was an entirely different story. He hated tears, hated weakness. And there I was, sniveling at his desk, blowing snot into a rag, basically begging him to let me take a break from the show. I wanted to have my baby. I can’t tell you why. Do I think I would have been a good mother? I don’t know. But I wanted a way out. I wanted to find my mother. Use my influence for good.
When Barry finally spoke, his face was red and he was practically foaming at the mouth. You’re going to take care of it. How the fuck could you let this happen? This would ruin everything we’ve built. Do you want to end up like your screwed-up junkie mother? Then he grabbed my wrist and slammed it down on the table. He made sure I looked him dead in the eye as tears poured down my face. You don’t get to leave. I own you. I made you. And I can fucking destroy you.
The Blog of Kaleb Reed
(Continued)
The St. Regis Hotel, New York.
“Turn it off.” I covered my face. Kelly had on a black bra and panties underneath her robe. She was holding her phone, recording. It was the night before her concert at Madison Square Garden.
I smiled with the camera still pointed at me.
“C’mon, don’t you want to show people you’re fucking me? Don’t you want Sara to know? Isn’t that why you sent the photo to that reporter?”
“Turn it off.”
“You know how many headlines you would get with this? How much attention? That’s what you want, right?”
She crawled across the large hotel bed. She pulled out a bag of coke from her bra, emptied it on a small mirror. Sniffed. Exhaled, then sat up. She turned her face to the phone. “This is Kelly Trozzo, live from New York. Here with best-selling author, Kaleb Reed,” she handed me the mirror and dollar bill, “who wants everyone to know that we are fucking. Isn’t that right?”
I snorted, relaxed, exhaled. Yes, I did. She was right. I wanted everything. I wanted her. That flat stomach. Those enchanting eyes. I missed those small, perky tits and perfect ass. I snickered and averted my eyes back to the TV, acting for the camera. Look at me. Disgusting. Feigning apathy. Oh, I wanted this. I wanted it bad. C’mon, feed me. Give me the attention. I loved headlines. Former Governor’s Son Arrested for Cocaine. Former Governor’s Son Arrested for Assault. Look what you created. Look what I’ve become.
She slithered closer.
“How bad do you want me?”
Bad.
She pointed the camera at me. “Here’s your chance. Tell the world about us. Tell Sara. Do you love me, Kaleb?”
My penis thickened and she kissed my neck, still recording.
“You’ll do anything for me, won’t you?” she whispered in my ear. “You have no one else left?”
My stomach lurched.
“What did you say?”
“Isn’t that right, Kaleb? You scared them all off.” She laughed.
“Turn it off.” I got off the bed. “Stop it.”
I couldn’t breathe.
The camera was still on me. She was pushing me. Why was she pushing me?
“Broken beyond repair. Who would want you now?” She got up and moved toward me. She touched my arm.
I shoved her off. “Enough.”
“Oh c’mon. You love this. Why resist? It’s almost sad how helpless you are. How easily I can suck you in.”
The rage pulsed. It flowed through my veins, throbbing. My body felt cold. Knees wavered. Hands trembled. Breath hitched, convulsed. What the fuck? Vision blurred in the corners. I couldn’t lose control. I had to stay in control.
“Turn it off!” I shouted, pacing the room. “I’m not helpless. This shit is over. Turn it the fuck off.”
“Oh no, Kaleb. It’s just beginning. I want the world to see you for what you truly are. I want them to see your demons. That infamous Kaleb Reed rage. Did Sara finally see your monsters? Is that why she left you? Is that why no one wants you? Is that why I found you in that tiny apartment all by yourself?”
It was happening. I couldn’t stop it.
Clenched fists.
Tunnel vision.
Red in the corners.
“Why are you doing this?” I yelled.
“Because you’re fucking weak,” she cackled. “Because you fell right into my trap. Like a little insect crawling into my web. You’re stuck.” She pointed her finger at my chest, “Stuck. Stuck.”
“No. I’m not.” I mumbled. “I can make the right choice. Nathan believes in me.”
“Who’s Nathan?” Kelly sneered “I made you, Kaleb. I can return you. You think I’m Alice, don’t you? Isn’t that what this is all about? You wanted my attention? Isn’t this how it worked in your precious book, with the precious love of your life? Who is it? Sara, Alice, or me? Who are you trying to protect now? Who are you going to fail this time?”
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
“Uh-oh, here he comes. Angry Kaleb is coming out. Now the whole world will know what you’re capable of.” The phone was still recording.
“Stop!” I pleaded. “Please. Stop. Stop. Stop.”
“Why, what are you going to do? Are you going to hit me? Isn’t that what your father did to your mother? Don’t think I didn’t read about him. Are you the one who tattled?”
She slapped me in the face.
Again.
Again.
I didn’t want to hurt her. Stop. I could see my father’s fists. I hated those fists. My body went limp. Pulsing fear. Pulsing rage. My eyes rolled into the back of my head. I shoved Kelly against the wall. The phone fell from her hands. I gripped her arms. She couldn’t escape.
The rage overflowed.
My fist went into the wall.
Right next to her face.
Again.
Again.
She moved away.
Blood spilled from my knuckles.
Over and over.
I collapsed on the floor.
She picked up the camera.
Laughed.
Still recording.
Her hand came to my back. I turned with my fist raised. She didn’t cower. She leaned in. Pulled me to my feet. My heart pumped with madness.
“Shhh,” she whispered in my ear. She kissed my neck. She rubbed my back.
My heartbeat slowed.
My jaw and fists loosened.
Consciousness resumed.
What was happening?
She touched my face.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I closed my eyes and buried my head in her neck and shoulder.
I wanted to dull.
Stay numb.
Do what felt good.
Avoid pain.
Stay broken.
Make it go away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, stroking my back. “You just make me so crazy.” She put her hand on my pounding heart. “I took it too far.” She kissed my neck, then my collarbone. She kissed my lips. “I missed you.”
I closed my eyes.
Emotions swelled.
I was broken.
“You are mine, Kaleb. I don’t like it when you disobey me…I’m sorry.”
My breath slowed, deepened.
“You forced me to punish you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Like when you wouldn’t sign the contract.” She unbuttoned my pants, her teeth pulling at the skin on my neck. “I had to send you that picture of Sara and her new boyfriend.”
Chills ran along my arms.
“I don’t like sharing,” she whispered.
She kept kissing.
“Because you are mine. Not hers. Say it. Say it!”
“I’m yours.”
“Good.” She pushed me down on the bed.
“You are my soldier. Not hers.”
The phone was in her right hand. I closed my eyes.
“And soldiers obey their leaders, don’t they?”
She pulled my penis out of my shorts and put her tongue around the tip. I reached for the phone. Her lips felt good.
“Yes.”
She licked her way up to my chest and slowly passed the camera into my hand. She grinded her body on me, kissing my neck. Our hands intertwined. She released. I was holding the camera as I flipped her tiny body underneath me and pushed her underwear to the side. I put it in. The glow of the camera shined on her.
I relished in the warmth and the sensation. I pushed harder. In and out. Her legs wrapped around me. I panned to her face. Her eyes closed in pleasure. She was acting—of course, she was acting—but it was so natural, and that scared me. She opened her eyes and looked straight into the camera.
I threw the phone on the side of the bed, and it landed on the carpet. She reached out in protest, but I grabbed her face and kissed her mouth.
Afterward, she watched the footage, naked in bed, giggling.
“What do you think Sara will think when she sees it? Here, take a look.”
I didn’t want to see it.
“You ready for me to post it?” She laughed.
“You wouldn’t,” I said.
She laughed again, “Oh, now you don’t want people to know?”
“I shouldn’t have disobeyed. I’m sorry.”
She smirked and got off the bed. She flipped her hair in the mirror and started to wash off her makeup. “Then your atonement is finished. I’d like you to meet my best friend, Lizzy and come to my concert tomorrow.”
“I thought I was banned.”
“I’ll worry about that.”
I leaned back on the headboard and closed my eyes.
“But next time you pull a stunt like this,” she said. “We are done.”
I saw her eyes in the mirror, an expression I’d never seen. Cruelty.
“I’m sorry for being harsh,” she said. “But I can’t have any loose ends.”