by Reilly, Cora
Matteo searched my eyes. His expression didn’t give anything away as if he was waiting for my reaction. “You’re not happy.”
“Of course, I’m not,” I whispered harshly. “We don’t want children.” I paused because Matteo actually didn’t look unhappy. “Or do you?”
Matteo shrugged. “I always thought we didn’t need kids to be happy. But I like being around Luca’s kids, so being around my own might be even better.”
I scrunched up my face and shook my head. “It won’t. With other people’s kids you only get to do the fun things, and when it gets tough you can give them back, but this baby, it’ll be our responsibility… I never wanted that. I still don’t.” I cringed at how horrible that made me sound, but it was the truth.
Voicing it aloud, I felt guilty but I needed to say it. Matteo needed to know. He was the one person who would understand. Right?
Matteo came toward me and crouched before me, looking up at me. He took the test and laid it to the ground, then he touched my cheek. “It’s still early in the pregnancy,” he murmured. I knew what he was saying without saying it. His brown eyes were so full of understanding and love that my heart clenched tightly with gratefulness. In the beginning, I’d thought Matteo didn’t deserve me because he was a bad man but now, I often felt like I was the one who didn’t deserve him.
I swallowed. “Will you be okay with it?”
Matteo smiled wryly. “Gianna, I’m a killer.” Despite his attempt to sound flippant, I caught a hint of strain in his voice.
I tensed. “So you think we’re killing the baby?”
He frowned. With a groan he pushed to his feet and pulled me with him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. “That’s not what I meant,” he said firmly. “What I meant is that I can deal with anything. I’ll be at your side no matter what you decide.”
“It’s not only my decision. This is your child too.”
Something flickered in Matteo’s eyes. “It is. But it is your body. You’ll have to carry a child for nine months, you’ll have to go through labor, and you’ll be the one the baby will need the most in the beginning, so really it should be your choice.”
I was grateful for Matteo’s support, but for once I wished he would tell me what to do, would take the decision off my hands, so I wouldn’t be burdened with the full weight of my responsibility. “Everyone will hate me if I… if I end this pregnancy. Or hate me more.” Because my fan club was fairly small while my haters were in the majority among the Outfit and the Famiglia. I knew it and usually I didn’t care. Trying to please everyone was a losing game and I’d never tried but now, now I was terrified of their judgment.
Matteo regarded me closely. “Our family will understand.”
“Will they?” I asked. Luca and Aria loved their children. They would never get rid of a baby, nor would Lily and Romero. Our world was a traditional one. Not that there wasn’t abortion. If a child was created out of wedlock, abortion was fairly common. But Matteo and I were married, and he still needed an heir in the eyes of his fellow Made Men.
“It’s none of their business anyway. We don’t have to tell them,” he said. “We never cared about other people’s opinions. We shouldn’t start now. Fuck them all.”
I nodded. That was probably for the best. But I knew I’d be devastated if Aria and Lily condemned me for my choice. Other people’s judgment I could deal with but my sisters… “I don’t want to be a mother.”
“Okay,” Matteo said quietly. His brown eyes brimmed with understanding but I couldn’t help but wonder if he hid part of his feelings from me.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to hate me for it.”
“Gianna,” Matteo said roughly, cupping my cheeks. “I could never hate you, and this is our choice. I won’t blame you.”
I took a deep breath. “Will you accompany me to the appointment?”
Matteo kissed me gently. “Of course, Gianna. I’ll be there for you.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest. I waited for relief to set in now that we’d come to a decision but the uncertainty, the fear, the doubts remained. Maybe it would take time to come to terms with everything. “How are we going to celebrate my birthday as if nothing’s wrong? How do we hide the truth from everyone?”
“We just forget about it. Try to enjoy a few summer days, all right?”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure if I’d manage to do it.
I kept twisting my wedding ring around my finger, staring out of the windshield as we headed toward the Hamptons. Matteo was oddly quiet and I hadn’t said anything either. My thoughts kept whirring, and with every passing moment my worry over being around my sisters and their husbands, and worse, their children, rose. I didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday. I wanted to hole up in our penthouse and wait for everything to be over—as if that would magically make things easier. My thoughts kept revolving around my decision and the looming appointment.
When we pulled up in the driveway, Luca’s and Romero’s cars were already parked in front of the beautiful white house.
I reached for the door to get out but Matteo grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Come on, babe. Everything will be all right. Nothing’s changed for us.”
But it had. I didn’t even feel my pregnancy yet but it was a lingering presence in my body. It was there, ever-present.
Together we headed into the mansion. Inside, Amo’s and Marcella’s voices rang out. When we reached the living room, we were hit with the full force of our family’s boisterous presence.
Lily was trying to prevent Sara from getting ice cream everywhere. Judging from the chocolate covered face of my two-year-old niece and the brown stains on her dress and the floor, she wasn’t very successful. It was a good thing that Sara’s brown hair was pulled back in a short ponytail so it stayed unaffected by the chocolate mess. The French doors were wide open, letting in the hot August air. Marcella and Amo were already dressed in swimwear, ready to take a dip in either the new pool or the ocean. They too were eating ice cream but at nine and almost six they did it without making a mess.
Luca and Romero stood on the terrace while Aria and Lily kept an eye on the children. Luca noticed us first, followed by Romero. Romero smiled and Luca did something with his mouth that might have counted as a friendly gesture as well.
“Gianna!” Aria exclaimed. She tore herself away from Lily and Sara and rushed over to me, embracing me tightly. “Happy Birthday! I’m so happy that we get to celebrate together!”
“Me too,” I said with a forced smile. Aria pulled back, her brows drawing together briefly before Lily took her place.
“Happy Birthday!” She tried to hug me with one arm while holding Sara away from me but the little girl managed to shove her ice cream in my direction and smear some across my cheek.
“Oh no, Sara,” Lily crooned, giving me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Gianna. I should have set her down before hugging you.”
My smile became shakier. Even my sister thought I’d have a freak-out because of her kid and wanted to keep it away from me. Nobody would ever consider me motherly or anything close to it. And here I was, pregnant. “Don’t worry,” I pressed out.
Aria threw me another questioning look.
I was usually better at keeping up appearances but the current situation made my walls crumble.
Matteo took my hand again and squeezed. His eyes sent a clear message “Do you want to leave?”
“Hey princess, how is it on the boys’ front?” I asked Marcella, giving her a cheeky smile. I wouldn’t run off from my family with my tail between my legs.
Marcella rolled her eyes in the direction of Luca who’d entered the living room with Romero at his side. “No boys.”
“They are scared of me!” Amo declared. I raised my eyebrows. He was tall for a five-year-old but I had a feeling Luca’s towering frame and his psychotic mafia killer reputation had more to do with the boys staying away.
I relaxed. This was familiar.
Romero ga
ve me another warm smile before he joined Lily who’d set down Sara by now. He embraced her and a secretive look passed between them.
“What?” Aria asked at once. She’d noticed it too.
Lily laughed uncertainly, biting her lip, looking at Romero for some kind of sign. He shrugged. They smiled at each other and then Romero put his hand on Lily’s flat belly.
I froze.
Aria’s eyes grew wide, delight spreading on her beautiful face. “You’re pregnant?”
Lily nodded. “But it’s only six weeks.”
Matteo looked at me and squeezed my hand again but I didn’t react. I was in my fifth week if the pregnancy app was correct. My sister and I were both pregnant but our reactions couldn’t have been more different. Aria rushed toward Lily and hugged her carefully, then Romero. Luca slanted Matteo and me a suspicious look before he too congratulated them. Matteo tugged at my hand. “Come on, Gianna.”
I let him pull me toward my little sister, embraced and congratulated her on autopilot, pretended to be happy. Deep down I was happy for her but having her own joy thrown at me when I felt devastated for the very same reason… I couldn’t bear it.
I excused myself to the restrooms and sat down on the closed lid. For a long time, I only stared down at my feet in my favorite sandals, at my toe with the gold and diamond skull ring that Matteo had gifted me this morning, at the small tattoo on the arch of my foot: a Sanskrit symbol meaning breathe. I’d gotten the inspiration for it during my yoga teacher training. Breathing came naturally from birth to death, but right now my lungs seemed weighted down by lead.
A soft knock sounded. Too soft to be Matteo.
I steeled myself before I opened the door to Aria’s worried face. “Are you okay?”
“I’ve been feeling off these last few days. Maybe I’m coming down with something,” I lied.
“Do you want me to make you tea?”
I shook my head. “I’ll drink a few glasses of water to feel hydrated.”
The rest of the family had gathered on the terrace, chatting and drinking wine. Matteo’s gaze sought me at once, his eyes filled with concern. I gave him a firm smile and joined them outside. Luca held out a glass with white wine to me but I shook my head.
“Headache. I need to drink water first.”
Lily pointed at her glass. “Do you want some of my homemade iced tea. With Rooibos, not black tea though.”
“Sure,” I said and accepted a glass. We clinked glasses and I sipped at my iced tea. Only a few days until the appointment but I couldn’t bring myself to drink alcohol, as if it mattered what I did. Matteo snuck his arm around my waist, pulling me against him.
Luca and Aria occasionally threw us curious glances. They knew us too well. I talked to Aria about pretty much everything but this was a topic I couldn’t bring up with her, with my sister who loved her children more than life itself, whose motherly nature amazed me every day.
“I love that we’re doing this every year,” Lily said. We’d celebrated my birthday in the Hamptons every year in the last eight years because it was perfect out here in August.
“Next year, we’ll be one more!” Aria said with a huge smile.
One more. She was right. In one year, Lily would carry a newborn in her arms, looking exhausted but deliriously happy. And I? I’d be the same I had been the previous years, the cool aunt.
Even as I wished for that outcome, I knew I’d never be the version of me I’d been before. This pregnancy had already changed me.
Matteo
I tousled Amo’s hair. “Hey!” he shouted indignantly and dashed off. Not quite six and already a huge personality. That boy would be a strong Capo one day.
“He’s getting as vain as you are,” Luca muttered with a shake of his head.
I sank down on the sofa in the living room. The women and kids were outside at the pool, and Romero had a call with one of his soldiers.
Luca regarded me. “No annoying comeback?”
I propped my arms up on my thighs, fighting the emotion that kept tightening my chest. Ever since Romero and Liliana had announced their pregnancy the noose around my throat had tightened. Their happiness had been like a punch in the gut.
Luca frowned and sat in the armchair across from me. “Matteo, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t tell Aria,” I said.
Luca tensed. I knew he didn’t like to keep things from Aria, unless they served her protection. “All right.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant it, but I found that I didn’t care. I couldn’t carry this secret anymore. I needed to get it off my chest.
“Gianna is pregnant.”
Luca’s eyes widened. “I thought you don’t want children.”
“We don’t.”
Luca didn’t say anything, realization dawning on his face. “Okay,” he said simply. “So what’s the problem if you both don’t want kids?”
His voice was carefully blank, which meant he hid his true feelings on the matter.
“I… fuck.”
Luca stood and sat down beside me. “You want the child?”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know. I do not not want it.”
“Have you told Gianna?”
“No. I know she doesn’t want to be a mother.”
Luca remained silent and his expression was tight. I knew he still wasn’t Gianna’s biggest fan. “It’s not just her decision.”
“She said the same but it’s her body, Luca. She should decide. We men can pretty much keep living our life while the women have to go through pregnancy, labor and later raising the kids. Let’s be honest, Aria’s doing most of the work.”
Luca frowned. “I’m trying to spend as much time with Amo and Marcella as possible.”
“Don’t get defensive. You’re a good father.”
“You’d be a good father as well.”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Luca. It’s a miracle that you manage to be a good father after what our father did, but maybe I won’t be as lucky.”
“You’re a good uncle. Amo and Marcella adore you.”
“And I adore them. I’d die for them.”
Luca squeezed my shoulder. “I know.”
I shook my head. “We have the appointment to get rid of the baby next week.”
“Maybe Gianna should talk to Aria or Lily. They are mothers, maybe they can help.”
“Luca, they are mothers. What do you think they will say? Do you really think Aria won’t try to talk Gianna into keeping the child? She’ll only make Gianna feel bad.”
“Of course, Aria won’t be in favor of abortion.”
I stood. “We are fucking killers, Luca, so don’t look so fucking high and mighty. We’ve killed more men than we can recall.”
Luca glared. “We are. But I would never kill my child.”
“Fuck you,” I growled and turned around.
Before I was out of the front door, Luca caught up with me and gripped my shoulder. “Matteo, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s your and Gianna’s decision, okay? I have absolutely no right to judge you.”
“But you do.”
Luca sighed. “Having kids changes things. When I imagine that Amo and Marcella wouldn’t be here…” He shrugged, but in his eyes, I could see the anguish only the thought caused him.
I nodded because I got it. Or at least I thought I did.
Luca had changed so much since he’d married Aria and again since they had kids, at least part of him had. His murderous, psychotic side was still intact but carefully separated from his life as a husband and father. It was something I admired greatly. My life hadn’t changed that much in the last decade, apart from having found happiness with Gianna and being monogamous, I still lived for the thrill but so did she. A child had never been part of the plan.
I wasn’t sure if it fit into our life, and even less sure if Gianna and I were capable of being parents, of pushing our own needs back at least for a while.
Maybe we could, and that small flicker of uncer
tainty was the worst torture when I thought about our appointment next week.
Gianna
I could feel Aria watching me as I prepared tea for myself. “No coffee this morning?” she asked curiously.
“I’m in the mood for tea and I still don’t feel all that well.” Usually the morning after my birthday began with several espressos to fight the hangover and wake my body after way too few hours of sleep. Yesterday I hadn’t drunk any alcohol and I’d been in bed before midnight…
“Usually you’re the three espresso kind of girl.”
I took a sip from my peppermint tea. I craved coffee. I always drank coffee in the morning. I loved it. My coffee obsession was actually one of the very few things I had in common with Luca. But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to drink anything with caffeine. I knew too much of it wasn’t good in a pregnancy. But it wasn’t as if it mattered. I didn’t even want this pregnancy and soon I’d end it, so I could have had all the caffeine in the world.
Aria still watched me and that’s when I realized that she knew the truth. A truth I had barely accepted for myself. I regretted agreeing to come here despite my inner turmoil. Matteo and I should have stayed in our penthouse and gotten deliriously drunk… but even that wasn’t really an option anymore.
Sighing, I set the cup down and leaned against the counter. “Luca told you?” It could only be him. Matteo wouldn’t have gone directly to my sister. They weren’t that close. They were much closer than Luca and I but not spilling your guts about something like this close.
“Matteo talked to him and…”
“And of course, Luca talked to you. Did you tell anyone else? Lily?”
Aria shook her head. “No, of course not.” She took a hesitant step toward me. “Gianna.” She fell silent. I could tell that she wasn’t sure what to say, and I got it. She probably wanted to congratulate me, be happy for me like she had been happy for Lily yesterday, but she couldn’t because she knew I wasn’t happy.
I looked down at my hands, feeling bad even though Aria wasn’t even judging me, at least not openly. But of course, Matteo would have told Luca that we didn’t want the pregnancy, and he would have told Aria. I wondered what they’d said behind our backs. Aria and Luca were good parents, amazing parents. What did it say about me when a murderous guy like Luca managed to be a good parent, but I didn’t even want this pregnancy? I pushed the thought aside.