by K. C. Hamby
She doesn’t sound like the Monster. She sounds caring, soft even.
I look up into the mismatched eyes of myself, scar and all. But there is a soft smile on her lips. I smile back in return.
“I feel like I can trust you,” I tell her, not a doubt in my mind as I speak the words.
“Good,” she laughs and it’s full of joy. “We will be alright. Accept your Fate. It’s what you were made for, after all.”
I nod, feeling like my feet are no longer feet, but they have also turned into dazzling glitter.
“Fal?”
I turn my head and Nina is with me in the darkness. I smile.
“Hi, babe.”
The darkness disappears in an instant and I am in our apartment again, staring back down at my hands. They tingle as if they have been asleep, but they are my hands again. No more glitter.
Wait, what the fuck?
“Are you okay?” Nina asks and walks over to me slowly, grabbing my vibrating hands in hers. She looks them over with a furrowed brow.
“Yeah, I was waiting on you. I’ve decided to do it. To be the goddess of Death and Shadow Reaper.” I hear the words coming out of my mouth, but for some reason, I’m not so sure of my decision anymore.
There is a darkness lurking in the corner of the room. It vibrates in my bones, but when I look around, nothing is there.
My hands burn. The black rot coats them again when I look down and I yank them from Nina. Noises of fear drop from my mouth as I shake myself until the hot, disgusting rot vanishes.
What if it was the Monster trying to trick me?
I look into Nina’s eyes, but I can tell she doesn’t feel what I’m feeling. She’s watching me like I may be going crazy for real this time. My heart sinks a little.
I am truly alone in this insanity. I am trapped behind a translucent wall of madness, watching the sane live with squinted eyes as I survive with mine wide open, wondering if what I’m experiencing is really there. My life has turned into a waking nightmare, where things aren’t as they seem, and I can’t trust my thoughts to be my own.
“Faligator,” Nina whispers and kisses my rot-free knuckles. “Tell me what’s going on. You know I’m here for you.”
“I know,” I sigh.
“Then tell me. Please. Let me help you.”
There is nothing but love in those eyes of ice. There has never been anything else I have found when I am caught in her gaze. When she first saw my scar, she didn’t flinch. When I was a complete ass, yes, she was mad, but she still showed me how much she loved me.
I know Nina. I know she could love me through this, too.
“So, you know how I’ve had trouble with my inner monster in the past?”
She nods.
“This is going to sound insane and, believe me, I already feel absolutely nuts. But…I’ve been…seeing her.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like...as a separate person who shows up and talks to me. Threatens me. It’s me, but darker. And both of her eyes are the same. She’s not scarred like me.”
Nina stays quiet for a moment and I crack my knuckles.
“Okay, let me see if I’ve got this right. So... you’re being tormented by your inner monster. And this inner monster shows up like she’s a real person and messes with you. Is that why you’ve been so anxious lately?” Nina asks, leaning forward with loving concern covering her face.
“Yeah. And not only that, but I’m also seeing things and I can’t tell if they’re real. A few minutes ago, the entire room went dark, and my body was…like…fuck, I don’t know. White glitter. And then a nice version of me showed up and told me I would be okay if I decided to be Death.” I pause and look to Nina with my bottom lip shaking and I can’t make it stop. “That’s when you walked in and I told you I decided to do it. But as soon as I said it, I felt her. I felt the Monster lurking and now I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a trick to get me to do it or…or…and there was rot on my hands like I was decomposing and…and..”
I stop because I realize I’m sobbing the words out and it’s hard to understand. Nina wraps me in her arms, brushing her fingers through my hair. I cling to her, realizing I’m absolutely fucking terrified.
She pulls away after a moment of my sobbing fear and holds my hands. “I’m not knowledgeable enough about what’s going on and I won’t pretend I am because it won’t help you. I want to help you. We should go talk to Winema, the new Council Member. She was known as a medicine woman in her Pack and has True Sight. She may know what’s going on. Okay?”
I nod, not trusting my voice. But I trust Nina.
She believes me.
And that’s all that matters.
***
After glancing at me one last time to make sure I’m ready, Nina knocks on the door of Winema’s apartment. The rapping of her knuckles on the wood is sharp in my ears and heart.
Goddess, I don’t want to do this.
Then, don’t, the Monster whispers in answer.
I grit my teeth and stand up straight, new determination and spite building in my spine. If the Monster doesn’t want it, then I have to want it. I must do the things the bad part of me hates even when it’s hard.
After a few seconds, Winema opens the door with a warm smile on her face. It’s comforting in its ease and my shoulders relax a little. “Hello,” she greets us with a nod. “Come in.”
“We haven’t officially met,” I say as we slip in through the door, me almost falling over Nina as we try to walk in at the same time. “I saw you when I came to get Nina because she had that vision, but I never got to introduce myself.”
My hands shake, sweat pouring from my pores as if it’s all that floats in my body. Nervous, annoying sweat, cold and clammy on my skin.
“Falen Thana, Predestined to our goddess and Mate to dear Ichante,” she responds with a sneaky smirk. She brushes dark hair behind her ear, thick but soft enough to remind me of silk.
Nina chuckles when my mouth snaps shut.
“Right, yeah. I guess most people here know me, then.” It’s not like I’ve been quiet since getting here.
“So, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Winema asks.
“Well, Fal is having trouble with something,” Nina answers, grabbing my hand as we sit on the tan couch in the cozy apartment. She pulls a colorfully sewn pillow into her lap and rests our hands on it. “And since you said you are a medicine woman, I thought you could possibly help.”
“Falen?” Winema asks, wasting no time when she looks to me with dark, kind eyes.
I take a deep breath and tell her everything I told Nina, even when the Monster screams to stop me loud enough in my head to cause it to pound. Nina fills in parts about noticing my moods and anxiety when I have to pause to keep from breaking down again.
“I see. You’ve been in great distress, Zuya,” Winema comments when I finish.
“Zuya?”
“Warrior woman,” Winema explains, and I smile a little. “May I take your hands?”
I nod after eying her tough palms and slowly offer mine. When our skin touches, Winema’s eyes shut, and her face clears of all emotion. It’s like she isn’t here anymore. Just the vessel that holds her soul. I swallow hard, looking to Nina in my anxiety. She just smiles in encouragement, understanding this witchy shit better than I ever will.
I wonder what Winema sees in me. Is it dark like Nina always says, with stars flickering within the darkness? Or is it rot creeping across my soul, destroying everything that makes me good? Am I even redeemable? It seems I will continue spiraling into this madness growing in my mind until there is nothing of me left. Only the Monster.
Can she sense the Monster, too?
After a few minutes, Winema opens her eyes and releases my hands.
“My dear, have you ever heard of psychosis?”
Panic nearly blinds me with its sudden onslaught. Nausea is begging for me to get rid of all the contents in my stomach.
“Isn’t that for serial killers or
something?” I ask, heart thumping hard in my chest. I know I’m a killer, but…
“That’s what a lot of people say,” Nina tells me, squeezing my thigh, “But, it’s actually a misconception. Psychopaths are called psychotic because they sound like they are synonymous, but they aren’t.”
Huh. My panic dies a little.
“Right, Ichante. Psychosis is when the mind is having trouble deciphering that which is real and not real. Your hallucinations, for example. You say you’re not sure if they happen or they do not?”
I nod. “It’s like…I know it shouldn’t be real, but they seem so real, it’s like I feel them physically. So, how could they not be if I feel them? And talking to the Monster seems as real as I am talking to you right now.”
“I saw what you have been experiencing and I agree I would have a hard time deciphering fictional and real as well. Psychosis makes it very difficult to discern the differences. A long time ago, we used to call it a curse or the Sickness because it seemed to invade people as such.” She pauses, thoughtful as her dark eyes watch me. “Psychosis is typically a symptom of something else. It is often frustrating because a lot of things could cause it. Medication, a mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, lack of sleep, or even extreme stress.”
“…oh,” I mutter. “Most definitely stress.”
“Why are you so stressed, Zoya?”
“I…” I sigh. Goddammit I’m so tired of feeling like I can’t explain myself well enough. “I’m Fated and I’m having trouble coming to terms with what I am Fated to be.”
“Ah. I see. Does this have to do with this monster you speak of?”
“Yeah, I’m worried if I go through with it, I’ll become the Monster. I’ve been fighting her for a very long time.”
“How long, Falen?”
I don’t know how to answer. It’s been ever since I can remember. She’s always been a nagging voice in the back of my mind, commenting now and again to make me think her words are just my own dark passing thoughts. “Um,” I clear my throat. “Probably since our mom died. Since I was seven, at least.”
“I see,” Winema nods.
“Why can’t I heal it out of her?” Nina blurts and glances up at me, wide doe eyes lingering on my face. “I’m able to heal her anxiety and stuff like that.”
“Sometimes, to emerge victorious from the battles of the mind, an army is detrimental to the cause. After all, one individual can fell an entire kingdom if only they know where to strike.” Winema’s smile is soft and understanding as she watches Nina and I interact.
“So, me trying to step in and help could be overwhelming?” Nina whispers, squeezing my hand.
“Yes. Falen is the only one that can defeat this particular enemy, if only she trusts herself to figure out how it must be done.” Winema looks to me with an encouraging smile, but all it does is make me increasingly nauseous.
“Great,” I grumble. “I’m going crazy, and I have to figure out how not to.”
“At least you know what you’re fighting now,” Nina murmurs, leaning against my shoulder.
I turn my attention to her wonderful face, skin full of freckles and glacier eyes having all the confidence in me I lack in myself.
“I have every bit of faith that you will conquer this, Zuya. And I am always here, as is your Mate, if you need encouragement. Or if you need to simply vent about the monster being a bitch in your head.”
Nina chokes and I laugh through my annoyance, turning from the beauty of Nina’s eyes.
I like Winema, I think.
Someone knocks on the door. I look to Winema with a brow raised, but she doesn’t seem the least bit surprised.
“Come in, Althea.”
The door opens and, sure enough, Althea walks in with her pure energy pulsing through the space. It always makes me feel dirty in comparison when it floods the room.
“Hola, mijas.”
“Hey!” Nina chirps. “I was actually going to come find you soon to talk about the vision.”
“I know,” Althea replies and chuckles. “A feeling I had; you know.”
“I’m in a room with a bunch of witches,” I grumble and cross my arms over my chest. “Fortune telling, healing witches.”
Nina snorts and playfully slaps my thigh. Althea smiles softly at us, but I can see the longing deep in her eyes. She’s thinking of Caden. She lets her grief show briefly as she sits in one of Winema’s chairs.
“So, your vision,” Althea says, prodding Nina to spill the information.
“Right, okay,” Nina mumbles and looks up at me. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze and she takes a breath. “Raven is up to no good.”
“The visitor we have?” Winema asks, sitting up straighter in her chair.
“The one who Hecate sent via a vision? She claims she is also a Prophetess,” Althea adds.
“Hecate didn’t send that bitch,” I snarl. “Lies drip through her teeth like a potent poison I can smell, but I don’t know why she is really here. It has something to do with Poachers and Olympia.”
Both of their brows raise at my outburst, but I don’t apologize. I’m tired of this shit.
“Wait, she said she’s a Prophetess, too?” Nina butts in, anxiety flooding the bond.
Althea nods sadly. “She says Hecate came to her in a vision and asked her to find Olympia. That she has a duty as Hecate’s Prophetess to oversee things.”
Nina scoffs, loud and angry. “She is not Hecate’s Prophetess! I am!”
I grab Nina’s hand, pushing calming energy through her skin.
“We know, Ichante. But neither of us could get a read on her. It was like she doesn’t have energy. Did you have this same issue?” Winema asks, soft and reassuring.
Nina stares at our hands on the pillow, her brows furrowing. “It was like I was blocked from her. As if she has a shield around her or something,” Nina mumbles. “Is that why Thane was acting so buddy buddy with Raven? Because she is Lupi and claims to be Hecate’s Prophetess?”
Althea and Winema both avert their eyes from my Mate, saying more with the action than they could have with their words.
I bristle. Thane is asking for a swift kick to the balls.
“Um,” I clear my throat. “So Raven is an old, shitty friend of Eddie’s and we think she drugged Eddie, helping the Poachers almost kidnap her and do goddess-knows-what.”
I want to keep off the topic of Thane making Nina doubt herself as much as possible. It hurts her. I know it does even when Nina puts on her brave face.
Althea swears under her breath. “Drugged Eddie? Why were we not informed of this?”
“Because we don’t have absolute proof that Raven did it,” I snarl. “But there is just no way it’s anyone else.”
“She’s planning something,” Nina chimes in once more after collecting herself. “And, like Fal said, it has to do with Olympia and a lot of Poachers. It’s going to be bad. I wanted to tell you guys at the meeting, but Raven came in as soon as I opened my mouth.”
Nina tells them about the vision but leaves out the poem at the beginning. Odd, but maybe she doesn’t think it’s necessary. She knows better than I do, so I go with it.
When she finishes, I add the information about all those Poachers mentioning Olympia.
“I’m starting to think the Poachers going on about Olympia and Raven showing up are related,” I grumble. “It’s all too much of a goddamn coincidence.”
Althea sighs and leans forward onto her knees. “You know what I’m going to say next, mija.”
“We need proof,” Nina groans. “I’m not sure how we are supposed to get it, though. She’s careful. Anything she does, there is always a little bit of doubt it was her.”
“Why doesn’t Nina’s vision qualify as proof?” I snap, annoyance grating on my nerves at how difficult this is and how the answer is so goddamn simple.
Kill Raven. Problem solved. Go on about our merry fucking way.
But not everyone has such a blasé vi
ew on murder like I do, I guess. Except Lilith. She would absolutely agree we should take Raven out.
Slowly.
“We will consult with the rest of the Council. Know Althea and I believe you, Ichante. But as a governing High Council, we must talk about it together and come to a conclusion. You two, try not to worry. We will handle it. Have fun on your trip to see your father and we will discuss this further when you return,” Winema says, dismissing us.
Uh, exfuckingscuse me?
“It may be too late by then,” I argue. This can’t be fucking happening. Not when the answer is right in front of their goddamn faces.
It’s not exactly something we can just wait on, sitting around with our thumbs in our asses. People will die. Lupi will die.
“Zoya, I think the two of you have enough on your plates. It’s a risk you’re going to have to take.” Winema gives me a sympathetic smile.
I want to growl. I don’t want anyone’s goddamn sympathy. My situation is shitty, yes. The last thing I need is someone dropping their unwanted pity on my head on top of everything else.
But I shove myself off the couch, anger shaking my bones.
“I have a feeling we are going to regret this,” I say to Nina, but pettily loud enough for Althea and Winema to hear.
Nina sighs and stands. She only replies when we have left the apartment and are heading back to our own.
“Yeah, me too.”
Chapter 34
Ash
“Raven is on Olympia,” Eddie whispers as she traces scars along my bare stomach.
My arm tightens around her back and I pull her closer.
“Why the hell is she here?” I growl and annoyance flows through me, hot, thick, and destructive like lava.
“I dinnae ken.”
The tense muscles in Eddie’s back don’t let up, so there is something she’s not saying.
“What else?”
She clicks her tongue before sighing loudly. “She cornered me in the Pit, but I gave her a pretty convincin’ warnin’ not to fuckin’ mess with me again.”
Raven spoke to Eddie?
A growl rolls up my throat. “Tell me what happened.”
She flips on her back and stares at the ceiling. “She backed me against the wall and ran her lips up my neck. I was frozen, terrified just like I used to be. I wanted to run, to fight, but my body wouldnae move, Ashy. But she mentioned how I was hers and nae yours and, when she mentioned you, I snapped out of it and knocked her out.”