by K. C. Hamby
My home.
“What I think pisses me off the most is she doesnae think anythin’ she has done is or was wrong. Dinnae get me wrong, I ran with her willingly at first. I’ll admit that. I was at a bar, feelin’ sorry for myself and drinkin’. She somehow heard of me and knew I was Lupi. That’s what she said when she asked me to dance with her. I danced with the lass and was so drunk by then, I dinnae even hesitate when she held out a pill for me to take.”
“What was it?” Ashy asks lightly in my ear. Nothing but curiosity in the question.
“Ecstasy, if I remember right. I thought I dinnae care about what happened to me before, but nothin’ compared to the apathy for my life that drug gave me. She took me home with her once I was high off my face. This happened several times. For months, really. I dinnae remember much except wakin’ up, feelin’ like a cow kicked me in the napper every single day. It turned into smack when I was already high. I woke up and she was about to shoot up. She caught me lookin’ and asked if I wanted to try. Like I said, I dinnae care about myself, so I agreed.”
Ash grabs my hands as they shake.
I don’t know how I am able to talk about this. I don’t know how to explain to him it was the best feeling I had ever had at that point. It took away everything bad I had been running away from. For just a little while, I wasn’t this fucked up Lupi failure who lost everything she loved. I just…was. I existed and I felt good and that’s all that mattered.
I hear you, Eddie. If you can’t say it out loud, I’m here.
It began to destroy me, Ashy. It’s all I wanted. I was barely a person anymore.
I conjure up an image in my mind for him to see. Me, staring in a mirror, bones prominent under my too pale skin, black smears of exhaustion and contempt under my flat eyes. Tracks up and down my arms.
I was a ghost. And she fed off it. I tried several times to refuse, but she always pushed me. I dinnae have the will to fight back. Until Hecate told me to get my head out of my arse.
I pull that memory to the front of my brain.
“Edelina, what are you doing to yourself?”
I sit up in a bed that’s not mine and blink. Hecate stands in her glory, horn crown and all, with eyes full of sorrow. I’ve never met her, but I know who she is. My soul recognizes my goddess.
“You are destroying yourself,” she continues when I don’t answer.
“I dinnae care what happens to me. I have nothin’ left. My family is gone. I’m worthless.”
“You were not born to die worthless. When I thought of you, I thought of how strong and quick-tongued you would be. I thought of how you would be one of the greatest assassins I’ve ever had and so much more. But you’re killing yourself.”
“Aye, I am.” I sigh and look down at the new needle mark on my skin. The shame in the small puncture is enough to swallow me whole. “I dinnae want to be like this.”
“Then don’t”
“How am I supposed to just change? There is nothin’ for me without this.”
She walks over to the edge of the bed and sits. Her cold hand grabs mine and she locks those eyes of grey on my face. “There is, you just do not see it yet. But, in time, you will. I know you are stronger than this and, to prove it, I am going to mark you Chosen. This is how much faith I have in you.”
My stomach drops down to my arse. “I dinnae deserve such an honor.”
She smiles and taps my cheek. “You will.” Her hand leaves mine and touches my side before purple fire burns away the skin.
I choke on a scream, not sure how to express my pain without the drugs aiding me. I writhe beneath her hand until she removes it and disappears with a final smile.
I stand, shaky, and walk to the mirror in the corner of the room; this mirror is responsible for showing all my shame. But now, when I look, there is the Chosen Mark on my side, branded across my skin and delicately placed above one of the Celtic tribal slashes crawling from my stomach to my ribs.
It’s tender to the touch, but no burn has ever pleased me more. My goddess believes in me. I need to believe in myself.
With one more look to Raven passed out in the bed—and a naked lass I don’t remember bringing here sleeping and draped over Raven’s own naked body—I gather my things and leave.
“I got clean after that very quickly. Ashy, I tell you, the burning and sickness that crawled through my veins as I withdrew was almost worse than Burning away my mortality. It took a week for me to be a somewhat normal person. And, even then, I dealt with anxiety and insomnia for months after.”
“That sounds horrible. I’m sorry you had to do it alone.” Ash pushes warmth through our bond after watching me without judgement and I wiggle in closer.
He loves me despite my past. Because of my past.
“Aye, but I needed to prove to myself I was worthy of bein’ Chosen. No one could do that other than me.”
“And, what, Raven tried to pull you back in?”
“Aye, that she did. As I told you before, I thought I could still try to be her friend. I gave up everythin’, alcohol, X, smack…all of it. And yet, I managed to still get high. After the second time, I realized what she was doin’. I beat her to near death and never saw her again except in my nightmares.” I roll my eyes. “Well, until now. She was horrid to me, Ashy. Abusive, both mentally and physically. I suffered through it because of the drugs, and I felt I had no one else.” My hands shake as I lift them in front of my face. “At the time, it seemed Raven was the only person I had left in my life who loved me. But that wasnae love. She ken I was weak and wantin’ nothin’ but someone to care for me, and she preyed upon it, manipulated me into believin’ I deserved nothin’ else than her and how she treated me.
“Today, it was like I had the opportunity to end all my sufferin’ at her hands once and for all and it was just…snatched away from me.”
My breaths are a wee ragged, anger boiling my blood again at the reminder that Raven is alive and still has some sick sort of control over me.
“I get it. I may not completely understand how you feel, but I can understand it hurts you.” Ash kisses the top of my head while rubbing the sides of my arms. “Hida was trying to protect you, though. And I agree with her.”
“You what?” I growl and glare up at him, betrayal stinging my eyes and stoking fire beneath my skin.
“Eddie, you want to be rid of Raven. You want to beat her. You can’t do that if killing her gets you killed. She would win. She would destroy your life and mine.” He grabs my face and forces me to look at him, squishing my cheeks beneath his fingers. “Fight your demons but please do it without succumbing to them.”
I sigh, the rage dying with his cooling touch. He’s right. I know that. And if I were killed because of her, it would kill all the happiness she wants to suck away from me. She would win and all this fighting and bettering myself would be for nothing.
“Aye, you’re right, mo chridhe. I’m sorry I’m too much of a hot head to listen, sometimes.”
His crooked smile melts my heart. He releases my face, but only so he may press his soft lips to mine.
“Hey, why don’t we get off Olympia for a while?” Ash asks, pulling his face back to watch me. His eyes glitter and those lips smirk as I watch them with growing hunger. “I can take you on a date.”
“Oh, you wantae take me out?” I smirk right back and raise a brow at him. “A’rite, Ashy. As long as you plan on bringin’ me back home.”
He growls as his eyes flash at me. “Oh, you’ll come home with me. You’re mine, after all.”
Chapter 61
Nina
“Okay, so…just be a wolf,” I tell myself and close my eyes tight.
My skin itches a little, but other than that, nothing happens. Not even a fingernail sharpens.
I groan and it seems to echo in the empty clearing behind my dad’s house, mocking me.
Fal is off doing her Reaper thing. I woke up around midnight to find the mosquito net in shreds on her side of the bed.<
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I can only imagine what happened to cause its destruction.
Dad and Selene are sleeping, too, but I’m also glad I don’t have to deal with the reality of their relationship yet. I’d rather be alone with my thoughts.
I figured I could practice shifting by myself and getting comfortable in my wolf form. I’m eventually going to need to learn how to do it without help anyway.
But I can’t get more comfortable if I can’t even get into my wolf form to begin with.
I even thought about pretending to be a wolf to signal my body to shift by crawling on my hands and knees like a dog, but that’s even too embarrassing for me. Even without an audience.
Maybe I’m thinking too hard. That’s usually what I do in most situations. Overthinking is what made it difficult to find my energy when I first started learning how to use it. So maybe….
I close my eyes again and let the air float over me. It’s cool and dark and full of possibilities. The grass tickles my bare feet, and my skin is tingling. Energy rolls over me, listening, watching, waiting.
I take an invisible mental hold of my energy and force it to listen.
Shift.
The energy breaks from my grip to do as it’s told. The shift is faster than it was the first time, but only a little less painful. I’m panting by the time I land on my white paws.
Well, okay. I don’t land on my paws. I definitely land on my furry butt.
But I did it. I shifted by myself.
A happy howl shoots from my mouth as I lift my head back and watch the full moon. The moon my mother controls.
Does that make me a daughter of the moon? It would answer so many questions about why I am always drawn to the night, needing to bask in the moon’s pale glow.
I take off in a run from that thought, only wobbling a little bit. I pay attention to the dirt beneath my paws, supporting me as my nails dig into its surface. The wind weaves through my fur, gently caressing the skin hiding beneath.
By the time I’m sure on my feet, I’ve done several laps around the clearing going super-fast. I gallop faster with each new lap around the outside of the trees and even jump in the air sometimes just to see if I can.
The muscles in my legs are powerful. I leap a heck of a lot higher and farther than I mean to, but I’m not scared. My paws faithfully catch me, muscles taking the brunt of the force of gravity when I hit the ground and keep running. Not even the slightest hesitation.
I skid to a halt to try out my wolfy brakes and I only slide just a little. Dirt and grass give beneath my paws and the air suddenly smells like a fresh forest.
Cool.
Even though I’m bigger than a regular wolf, I have a lot of control of this big body. It’s graceful even when I, myself, am not.
A moth flutters in front of my face, landing on my nose and taunting me.
Well, probable not taunting me, but I digress.
I snap at it, but it annoyingly flies out of my grasp. I yip and hop after my flapping target, leaping in the air when it tries to fly too high for me to reach.
Come here, you little booger.
I don’t know what my end goal is here because I really don’t want to bite the poor thing. I definitely don’t want its dusty wings in my mouth.
But this is fun. Being a wolf is so weird and cool.
A cloud of black smoke appears in front of me when I land from another attempt at catching the moth and out steps Fal. Her eyes are wide and wild, and her skin is covered in dots of dried blood. Malice emanates from her soul as she glares down at me.
I take a step back, confused by the dark energy pushing out from her. It thickens the air and assaults my mind with a promise of despair. It’s almost like she can control the darkness pulsing around us and inside my head.
She watches me as if I’m her dinner.
I whine low, a little scared of her murderous attention. But the longer her eyes are locked on mine, the cloudier her right eye becomes.
“Hey,” she whispers, and all her muscles relax and the heaviness in the air recedes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
It’s okay, I reply through our bond after shaking myself of the shadows in my mind. I’m actually glad you’re here. I could use a few pointers. I yip and paw at the ground before nodding my head a few times.
“Sure, like what?” She chuckles and reaches out to rub the sensitive spot between my ears.
My leg almost kicks.
Almost.
Let’s say we don’t find this Snake and the War of all Wars happens. I need to know how to fight as my wolf.
“Ah, I see.” She braids her long, black hair with fast and practiced fingers, and flips it over her shoulder. “So, what we learned when we first shifted as pups was to immediately go for the kill shots. You don’t want to get in a long fight. The longer the fight, the less likely you are to win. Long fights cause fatigue. Fatigue makes you sloppy. With me so far?”
I nod and snort, sitting on my butt. Kill quick, won’t get tired. Long fights are bad. Got it. I use my teeth, right?
I snap my teeth together as a punctuation and they click almost like high heels on tile.
“Yeah.” She taps my nose with the tip of her finger. “Your jaws are your most powerful weapon. If you’re facing off with someone in a human form, you’re going to want to go for their neck or stomach.” She points to said vulnerable spots on her own body. “And as a wolf those are the places you’re going to want to protect.” She backs up a few steps and raises a brow as she gets on her knees in front of me. “You’re going to want your teeth to sink into the soft spot between the person’s shoulder and neck.” She demonstrates what she means by using her hand like a wolf mouth. Her fingers latch on right at the spot her shoulder curves into her throat.
Wait, I’m going to get all bloody doing that, I whine, my wagging tail falling to the ground behind me.
“Well, it’s either get bloody or someone kills you,” she states bluntly, twisting her mouth. “You don’t really think about it in the moment, though. The only thought is survival, just like in your person form. Here,” she moves her hand. “Put your mouth on my neck.”
You want me to what, now?
She laughs prettily and smiles wide. “I want to make sure you understand where to bite.”
I hesitate for a moment, but eventually push myself up with a bit of a dramatic grunt. I sniff Fal’s neck, my cold, wet nose touching her warm, cinnamon-scented skin. I blink in fascination when she gets goosebumps.
With a small glance to her semi-glazed eyes, I part my teeth and wrap my mouth around the spot Fal showed me. I only allow the tips of my teeth to graze her skin, but it makes me nauseous all the same.
Like this?
“Yeah, just obviously a little harder when you use it in a fight,” she says, smile in her voice as she pulls away from my giant mouth. Her finger taps my nose again, and she laughs a little when I sneeze. “You don’t want to hold back your force. You want to rip into their trachea and render it useless.”
I gulp. Ew.
She shrugs with that sexy smirk dancing on her mouth. “I mean, real wolves lick their ass so it could be worse.”
I choke and retreat a step. Fal!
She laughs really hard, gripping her stomach. Her smile is beautiful, and I yip at her happiness, enjoying the joy flowing through our bond.
She composes herself, whipping happy tears from her cheeks, and stands to back away a few feet. She has that brow raised in mischief and I tilt my head, wondering what she’s up to now.
“Attack me how you think you would in an actual fight.”
Um. But…
“Babe.”
I don’t want to hurt you, Fal.
“Nina.”
Okay, okay. Fine, I grunt. Don’t get mad at me if I make you bleed.
I stand and back up a bit to get a running start. Fal stands still, watching me with soft eyes as I’m basically trying to figure out how I would go about killing her if she were a
bad guy.
I take a breath and run at her full force.
When I leap, my mouth opens and gently latches on to the soft part between her neck and her shoulder like it did only moments before. My front paws land on her chest and my back ones kick at her stomach. We fall into the grass with me on top of her and I let go before I cause any real damage.
I quickly pop up on my feet and shake myself off. But Fal lies on the grass, arms spread wide, face toward the sky. Worried, I trot over and loom above her face. Her eyes are closed.
I whimper and nuzzle her, but she doesn’t move.
Don’t make me resort to drastic measures, Fal.
She still doesn’t move.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I lick her face making it nice and slobbery and she opens her eyes.
“Ew,” she whines and smiles, reaching up to scratch the fur on my chest.
Don’t do that. I thought I hurt you.
“You didn’t, I promise. That was good, babe. It’s like you were made to be Lupi. It seems so natural to you.”
I lie down on my belly and rest my big head on her chest.
It does feel natural. I didn’t think I would catch on so quickly.
Her fingers dig into my neck fur and scratch. My chest rumbles and I lean into her hand. We sit like this for a while, just enjoying being together. We haven’t had much time to ourselves since we came to Oregon.
A chiming dings from Fal’s pocket and I flick my ears to attention. Someone is calling her. She pulls out her phone and Ash’s name and a goofy picture of him flipping her off lights up on the screen. Fal’s face falls into one of annoyed disdain.
“Yeah, what?” she snaps when she answers, both eyes glowing a bright amber again.
I nudge her with my head. Don’t be rude, Fal.
“She’s right here. Hold on.” She turns to me and her eye is back cloudy. “Ash needs you to be able to talk.”
Oh, right. Okay.
I sit up quickly, close my eyes, and focus super hard on what being a person feels like: two arms, two legs, furless skin…
And I pop back into my person form, falling on my ass.