Ashes Of Memory

by Aiden Bates

  “Right,” he chuckled ruefully, “because I’m that kind of lucky.”

  “You were before,” I said, before I realized what that I was.

  “Yeah,” he breathed, and closed his eyes. “That’s the point. I should try and get a bead on Baz, see if they’ve left the road yet.”

  “Good idea,” I agreed.

  “Tam?”

  “Hm?”

  He let his leg go and leaned back in the seat, as he’d done before to find Baz. “It was a good dream.”

  I smiled. “Yeah. It was.”

  8

  Vance

  Tracking Baz was difficult, especially after the people who had him left the highway and started making a more concentrated effort to conceal themselves. Wherever they were, it was off the beaten path, somewhere remote, where there were no other minds to use as proxies to follow them. There were, however, animals.

  Getting near an animal’s mind is risky, but only if you get too close. On the upside, they notice everything that happens around them. Prey animals especially—they’re wound tight by nature, literally, and missing a sound or a flash of movement can mean being someone else’s next meal. Deer are great for that, they have a keen sense of smell as well as sharp ears, and decent eyesight.

  On the downside, they don’t attach any cognition to their perceptions. Following the driver who’d shown me where the van was originally was easy enough in part because he interpreted what he saw. To an animal, especially something like a deer, one unusual threatening sound was essentially the same as any other. And the response was the same no matter what.

  Run away.

  A task that was already taxing and hard to accomplish wasn’t made easier by the fact that it was harder and harder to keep from thinking about Tam, about the dream, about what kind of connection we’d had before. Any time I went near those thoughts, tried to see if they would lead to some deeper, personal sense of what that connection was, all my internal warning bells went off. That wasn’t good. It meant that anything truly meaningful was behind the Big Wall of Bad in my brain.

  The Big Wall of Bad was where Master Nkendi had helped me lock away everything related to what had happened to me, and it was all there for a very good reason. To an esper, memories are more than just bits of perception coded into neurons and stored for reuse. Our magic encodes them on a much deeper level than everyone else. An esper’s memories can hurt them. It’s the cost of being an esper. When one of those memories did damage at the scale mine had, well… when you’ve got live uranium in your house, you have to stick it in a lead box before it turns everything radioactive.

  That meant two things. The first was that whatever happened to me was directly connected to Tam in some way. What role he’d played, I didn’t know, of course; but I knew it had to be central. Probably not something he’d personally done to me. But he’d been in the thick of it to the point that I had been unable to separate my memory of him from my memory of what happened.

  By extension, that meant that trying to figure out what he’d meant to me was dangerous. Full meltdown, psychic storm, mind in a million little unsalvageable pieces dangerous.

  Yet even knowing that, I had plucked a memory unconsciously from Tam’s mind. More, I had experienced it from my own point of view. Maybe that was just me picking up a reflection of my own thoughts from his mind, which was possible given how connected we’d been—but the other possibility was that accidentally connecting to his memory had snuck one of my own out from behind Big Wall of Bad.

  That’s what Tam didn’t understand, and what I didn’t think I could fully explain to him. Sure, that memory was fine—fun, even, admittedly; especially because I didn’t think I had ever told anyone about my fantasies of domination and control, or submission or, well, any of my fantasies—but the next one? A memory from when It happened? I might not have woken up. For that matter, Tam might not have, either.

  So, between bouts of pushing my limits to hop from one animal mind to the next, I built a new, temporary wall around the part of my mind that dreamed. It would only be viable for a few days. My dreams were never pleasant, exactly, but they were necessary. Don’t dream, and eventually you go insane. That is as true for an esper as anyone else. My hope was that we would not be on this adventure for more than a few days. Then I could go back to the cloistered halls of the Custodes Lunae and not have to worry about slapping people around with my dreams by accident.

  Unfortunately, plenty of damage had already been done.

  “It’s this exit coming up,” I said, pointing to the sign as it passed us. The first hint of dawn was starting to show in the east by now. I was dead tired, and suspected that Tam was, too. But neither of us had suggested stopping somewhere. I would have to sleep, eventually, before we charged in or whatever, because I just wouldn’t have the power I needed until I rested. Getting ourselves killed wouldn’t save Tam’s nephew.

  “They’re still off-road?” he asked

  I nodded. “I’ve got sort of a vague sense of it, but animals don’t think in terms of directions. I’ll recognize landmarks.”

  “We’ll stop and see if I can pick up the scent,” he said. “There can’t be that many vehicles spewing exhaust in the woods.”

  We were near the border with Vermont, and far from any city. The land here would have been beautiful if we weren’t looking for an abducted kid in it. “The last person who saw them was a few miles down the road,” I said when we left the exit and pulled onto a two-lane highway that cut through the trees and headed up into the mountains. “There was a gas station just before.”

  “Good,” he said. “We’re close to empty.”

  And that was the whole conversation. Just like the last several brief exchanges. Tam seemed intent on keeping everything purely business, and I was inclined to agree with him. There was no denying the awkwardness that remained in the air between us, though. It was thick enough that I could have held it in my hand. Which I considered doing, to get rid of it; but that was well outside the bounds of ethics. Emotions were what they were. No one had a right to go around changing them to something more comfortable.

  We found the gas station soon enough. Two pumps and a single building that was just this side of ‘shack’, dimly lit inside where an old man in a blue trucker hat chewed something pensively as he read a paper behind a window with bars on it.

  Tam parked at a pump and got out, then leaned down to look through the window. “Need anything?”

  “Water,” I said. “And, uh… sugar. It helps—”

  “After you use your magic a lot,” he said, “I know. I’ll get some sodas.”

  Right. Because he knew all about that, too. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  My brain was starting to hurt, and I could feel that I’d burned up most of my blood sugar. Most mages had a sweet tooth for the same reason. Something to do with the neurological weight-lifting the brain does to use magic effectively, and especially for extended periods. I was going on six hours straight.

  I found myself watching Tam as he pumped gas. He was tall enough that I could see the firm, round bubble-butt that his jeans seemed to intentionally accentuate. When he turned away to slot the nozzle into the gas tank, I noticed his bulge, too. It wasn’t hard to imagine what I had initially seen in Tam, whenever we first met. I suspected I saw a lot of the same now. Not that I didn’t appreciate that he was clearly a kind-hearted person who loved his family, but if I’d only seen him from a distance first, I probably would have noticed his physical assets before I noticed the other stuff.

  I certainly noticed them now.

  I pried my eyes away and focused them on my feet. It’s not like I didn’t know what was under his clothes now. Or how he liked to have it used. Controlled.

  Owned.

  In the dream, he’d said he wanted me to own him forever. That seemed serious. It hadn’t been entirely a passing thing—there had been weight behind it. Meaning, and real intention. Had we been thinking about forever at that point? I wish
ed I at least knew where in our timeline that night had been. Near the beginning, when people just said stupid things they couldn’t back up because it was new and exciting? Or further along, when we both had the presence of mind to know the significance of ‘forever’?

  Had we been engaged? Or promised? He was a shifter, and that meant he could claim a mate; a particular kind of magic all shifters shared. I wasn’t claimed, obviously, because there wasn’t a mage alive who fully understood the mating bond or how to break it. So however serious he was, he hadn’t taken it that far. Did something change? Had it been what happened to me or… something else? Mikhail seemed to think Tam was personally responsible for hurting me somehow, had it—

  He knocked on the window, startling me. I recovered quickly, and cranked the handle down to accept two big sodas and two packs of Reese’s Cups. I couldn’t help smiling. “Oh, thanks,” I said as I took them, “my favorite.”

  Tam just gave me a nod, then went around to finish filling the tank.

  I stared at the orange wrapping, and realized how much it must hurt Tam every time I was surprised that he knew something about me. In the dream—the memory—I’d been able to feel it. That he loved me. Needed me. He remembered everything about the two of us, and to me, he was basically a stranger. The ghost of an old dream I had forgotten years ago.

  When he got back in the car, I held the package up. “I guess you knew,” I said.

  He shrugged. “Sure. After one Halloween, we… ah, well, I figured it out.”

  “Let me guess,” I said, “we went out the morning after and bought several large bags, and I said I would only eat a few here and there, but finished them off in about two days.”

  Tam smiled, but seemed to resist it. “Something like that.”

  I pulled the package open and slid the first cup out, considering. “Mikhail does that for me,” I said. “For the past three years. He doesn’t like them, but knows I do.”

  Tam turned the car on and pulled away from the pump. “Yeah, it… it was in my letter.”

  I froze, the chocolate just shy of my lips, and lowered it. “Letter? What letter?”

  He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Keep an eye on the road, see if you notice anything familiar.”

  There were more pressing concerns than a letter from a lover I didn’t remember and why I had never heard of it, I supposed. I ate quickly, scanning the early morning tree-line with eyes adjusted to the dark at this point, comparing it with the images I’d gleaned from the local psychic field. There were breaks in the tree-line all along the road, both for utility roads and hiking trails. When we came across one that had a split tree next to it, I waved frantically at it. “That one!”

  Tam slammed the brakes, sending us both lurching dangerously forward so that even with the seatbelt, I had to brace myself on the dashboard to keep from breaking a rib. He cast me an irritated glance, but it was replaced quickly enough by a different concern. “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah,” I said breathlessly. “Sorry, I just… didn’t see it until the last moment. They turned here, down the utility road. There was a squirrel.”

  He frowned. “A squirrel.”

  I shrugged one shoulder. “Squirrels have a particular interest in noticing cars. I got a glimpse of the car, and she was worried that it would find her stash, which is near the tree.”

  “Of course she was,” he said, and did most of a U-turn to pull off the opposite side of the road and park near the tree. “I’ll get out and see if I can get the scent.”

  He did that, and I watched as he paced the opening of the road, while I chugged Mountain Dew in an effort to get more sugar in my blood. As I did, my phone buzzed in my bag, and I fished it out to see Mikhail calling. Of course; he’d have waited until 3:00 a.m. to try to contact Sophia. I hoped, if he was only just now calling, that it had gone well.

  “Mikhail,” I answered. “Any good news?”

  “There’s no such thing as good news from people who were murdered,” he pointed out, “but… I found her. It wasn’t pretty, and it didn’t last long. Where are you?”

  “Near Vermont,” I said. “Middle of nowhere. What did you find out?”

  He hesitated, and I wished that I was close enough to know what he was thinking and feeling. Whether he was about to tell me how fucked we were, or the secret to getting Baz away from whoever had him. “Mikhail?” I pressed. “We’re getting close to them, if you know anything we need to—”

  “Is Tam nearby?” he asked.

  I frowned. “Yeah, sure. Why?”

  “Because,” Mikhail said, “what I have to say… you probably shouldn’t hear. Sorry.”

  A worm of dread bored into my guts and began wiggling around making icy offspring. “Why would I not—”

  “Vance, please,” Mikhail breathed. “It’s time-sensitive, yes?”

  “Fine,” I grunted, and got out of the car to wave Tam over. He approached, brows knit.

  “Is that Mikhail?” he asked when he saw the phone. “What did he find out?”

  I held the phone out for him. He took it, confused, and put it to his ear. “Yes?”

  I couldn’t hear what Mikhail said. I could have listened through Tam’s ears, probably, but that would have been wrong to do without his permission. So all I had instead was the frozen look on his face, the slow pinch of his eyebrows, and the horrified look in his eyes when he met mine and then turned away.

  “You’re sure?” he asked. And a moment later, “Fuck.”

  9

  Tam

  “Yes, obviously I’m sure or I wouldn’t have called you,” Mikhail said. “It’s Comestores Tenebras. Sophia named them specifically, after I… convinced her.”

  “Fuck,” I breathed, as fresh new dread filled me. Of course it would be them. Of course they had come back, seeking vengeance against my family. Except… “But, Sophia was around before—”

  “Yes,” he interrupted, “which is why I said she was working with them from the beginning. The beginning, Tam. Sophia knew about the River Valley pack, about Kieren, about the pups. About Vance. She was part of it. She barely remembers now, I had to scrape pieces of her out of the underworld to get her coherent, but she knew things no one could have told her.”

  I didn’t realize I was about to crush the phone until it gave a slight, metallic complaint. With an effort, I relaxed my grip, and glanced back at Vance. “I can’t take Vance in there then,” I said.

  “No,” Mikhail agreed. “You definitely, absolutely cannot take him in. You need to find a place to keep him safe, and then… I don’t know, call in a small army. Vance said you’re near Vermont, I can contact Custodes Collis, they’re near the border, and I think there’s a bear clan in the region who would just love to know there are Dark Eaters near their territory.”

  I shook my head. “No. There’s no time for that, I have to get Baz before they—” I bit my words off and glanced at Vance again. He had his arms folded, a troubled look on his face as he watched me. Any hint that might trigger him would be bad, especially out here like this. “I’ll figure it out. Call the Custodes Collis. The clan here Is the Silver Tooth, but their territory is further west.”

  “I’ll make the call,” he said. “Hopefully, they’ll help on principle. And I don’t have to tell you that you cannot speak a word of this to Vance?”

  “Obviously,” I muttered. “I’ll… make it work. Call us back when you hear something.”

  “Of course,” he said, as if I’d meant it to mean he might not think to. The line went dead, and I stared down at the phone for several long seconds before I turned back to Vance and held it out for him. “We have to find someplace for you to rest before we go in. I’ve got the scent, they took this road—or someone in a vehicle did, anyway.”

  Vance took the phone and raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh. So Mikhail confirmed where they were? What did he need to tell you that he couldn’t tell me?”

  I grimaced. “I can’t tell you that.”

&nb
sp; His jaw clenched. “Right, because I could crack.”

  Actually, that was exactly right. Comestores Tenebras, Eaters of Darkness—Dark Eaters—wasn’t what the group, if they could be called that, named themselves. It was a name they were given by those of us who had been involved in crumbling their insane fucking cult three years ago, and for around twenty years before that.

  They were the same group that had stolen two cubs from the River Valley pack. The people that I had promised my friend, their father, I would find and bring back to him. The people that I couldn’t find on my own, and had asked Vance to help me track down.

  The ones who had ultimately separated us, and broken his mind before I burned their compound to the ground in a blind rage and flew him back to the cabal too late to salvage what we might have had together if I hadn’t involved him. We had been too late to save the cubs. Kieren had died of his injuries, inflicted by magic he couldn’t heal from.

  They had taken everything from me, and from so many others. And now they’d come back. And, yet again, I had brought Vance to within striking distance of them.

  “It... it’s complicated,” I told him. “And in any case, you aren’t in shape to do this now. We’re both exhausted. If we try to get to them this very moment, we’re just going to get ourselves killed.”

  He wasn’t convinced, his eyes narrowed. “You can go days without sleep and be fine,” he said. “When you say ‘we’, you mean ‘me’, and you mean that you want to stash me somewhere while you try to do this on your own.”

  “Are you reading my mind?” I asked, pretty sure that I would know if he was, but not sure enough to be certain.

  Vance snorted, and waved a hand at me. “If you think I could be, it’s because that’s exactly what you have in mind. Tam, what’s the point of you going in there? I told you what happened to Haval and you saw it yourself. Sophia even knew what they were capable of, I’m guessing, and she was taken by surprise, too. You can’t do it without me, and Mikhail may think that the Custodes Collis will come down out of their mountain to help you but that’s just because he’s optimistic for a necromancer. It’ll take them at least a couple of days to even come down and you don’t know if they have anyone experienced with abyssal magic. This is the same bad plan as before.”