by Moose, S.
“No, you won’t, so don’t think that. Thanks for letting us use the private room. I know you don’t want to take my money, but I paid Crystal. And before you shoot me, I told her not to tell you.” He clinks his beer with mine.
“You’re a dick.” I laugh and shake his hand. “Thanks for your business.”
“We’ve been friends for way too long. You got my back, and I got yours. Whatever helps you keep this bar and your home. You know your business will explode again with summer here. Think of the tourists and all the live music you bring in. Plus, you know the guys and I will play for free. Just give us drinks for the night.” I laugh and nod my head in agreement. “I’m glad Eli’s been sending business your way. The Boudreaux family is great. I’ve always liked his wife, Kate. Actually, the whole town does.”
“I’d have to agree, and thanks to you and the guys. Everyone loves when you all play. One day, I’ll pay you back.”
Jerry shakes his head. “We’ve been friends since we were kids. This is me contributing to the dream you and Carson had.”
Carson.
My twin brother.
Damn, it hurts to hear his name.
“Thanks, man. It means a lot to me.”
“Alright, enough of this girly shit. We need a round of shots.”
For the rest of the night, I catch up with my friends and have a few more beers before turning in. I head upstairs and flop down on the couch, staring at the black screen. The door opens and closes, and I look behind me to see Jerry coming toward the living area and taking a seat.
“You okay?”
I shrug. “One of those kinds of nights, I guess.”
Whenever Carson’s name is brought up, I’m reminded of the night I lost him. He was my twin brother and best friend. We went through hell together. We served in the Marines together for five years, then came back to New Orleans and started the plan of building The Cure. We wanted the bar to be a place where anyone was able to come in and relax.
Jerry takes a sharp breath and shakes his head. “I know you’re thinking about your brother. It’s been over three years, man. I’m not saying to forget him because I know it hurts, but you know he’d come down from heaven to kick your ass if he could.”
I throw my head back and laugh. “This is true.”
“I came up here to let you know she’s here.”
Jerry didn’t have to say her name. I know who he’s talking about. Closing my eyes, I picture the last time I held her in my arms and kissed her lips. Three years ago, everything in my life was perfect. I had my twin brother and the love of my life. It was the three of us. We were best friends and had the world at our feet. Nothing could break us apart.
The Cure had just opened, and Angie was the biggest supporter. She managed the vendors and got everything situated with the paperwork while Carson and I did the heavy lifting. She was there every step of the way. There were moments we thought it was a waste of time, but Angie reminded us why the bar needed to be open. We wanted a place where people came in, had drinks, listened to music, and felt comfortable. The name alone, we were hoping, would’ve drawn in a crowd. Angie pushed us and we kept going because of her daily reminders.
It was always the three of us. Nothing had ever gone our way until that moment.
After high school, Carson and I joined the Marines. We wanted to do something that mattered, and it was important to us. Our parents disappeared on us when we were sixteen, but we managed and got through the tough times. As soon as we could, we talked to a recruiter and got the paperwork started. The day we left, I promised Angie I was going to come back to her. It was hard leaving my family and friends, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
The years we served our country together were the best. We gave five years of our lives to our beautiful nation, and it was hard coming back to civilian life. Neither of us was sure what to do until one drunken night I suggested we open a bar. The next day, Carson did the paperwork to make it a reality. With help from our family and friends, we named the bar and started the work. I had Angie by my side. She stayed with us the entire time, through all the ups and downs in opening a business, and she never batted an eye.
I still remembered the opening night. The town came in and celebrated with us. We had the respect from them and appreciated everything New Orleans did for us throughout our lives.
Then I lost it all.
First Carson, then Angie.
“It’s a free country. She can go wherever she wants. It doesn’t matter to me if she’s here.” And I mean that. For months, I pined over losing her, getting lost in my own head, until I realized she wasn’t worth my time and energy. “To me, she’s just another woman in this town. Sure, we were together for years, but shit happens. Love doesn’t always work out the way you think it should.”
“I don’t know how you can feel that way. That bitch left you after Carson’s funeral. You’re a better man than I am. If I were you, I’d kick her sorry ass out of my bar quicker than she can say tequila shot.”
“It’s not worth it for me. If I do that, she’ll get it in her head that I still want her, and I don’t. I’m not going to give her that satisfaction. She moved on and so did I.”
I hated knowing when she was at my bar. After she left me, she moved, and I stopped keeping track of her. Her cousin, Anna Beth, tried being there for me, but she left shortly after Carson’s funeral too. The last I heard, Angie was in New York City working as an assistant to some rich tycoon. When I heard that, it was a sign for me to move on and focus on other things in my life. The story I had with her was over. I wasn’t sure if I’d see or hear from her again. I guess I was wrong.
“You can sit here and that’s fine, but I’m kicking her whore ass out.”
All I can do is laugh at this point. “You do what you need to, brother. I won’t stop you.”
“As long as I have your blessing. Have a good one. Talk to you later.”
“See ya.”
After Jerry leaves, I pull out my phone and mindlessly scroll through the posts on my social media. Something catches my eye, and I click on the link. The video is a recording of a couple at a restaurant. All eyes are on them. She’s yelling and saying she’s better than him, and he looks like a little bitch just sitting there. I laugh hard at what she’s saying and watch the video again.
Damn, she’s beautiful.
After the third time, I do something that’s unheard of and go to the comment box.
Hold yourself high and don’t let anyone make you feel anything less. You’re a strong and beautiful woman. Find the confidence you once had, and you’ll take over the world.
* * *
Morning comes too quickly. I get ready and head down to the bar. Crystal, one of my oldest friends and the bar manager, looks up from her iPad and gives me a smile.
“Morning! Reports are on the bar. You missed an interesting night after you went upstairs. I wish you could’ve seen it.”
“Is that so?” I ask, pouring coffee into my cup. “What happened?”
“Well, she was here, and the guys weren’t having it. Jerry came down and yelled at her, saying she was a bitch and not welcome here.”
I let out a laugh and sip on my coffee. “Yeah, Jerry came upstairs and warned me she was here. I gave him my blessing to kick her out. Sounds like a fun night. You behaved, right?”
Crystal winks at me before going back to whatever she was doing. “Always.”
A sweet taste of relief danced on my tongue while I reviewed the reports and receipts from last night. Another killing. The way things are going, business is going to be booming, and I’ll be able to keep the bar above water. Jerry was right.
From a young age, I learned that if I wanted something, I had to work hard. People weren’t going to hand me anything. I was hungry to do more in my life and refused to be that shy little kid who was afraid of everything again. It was up to me to keep our dream alive. Carson would’ve wanted me to get my head out of my ass and do this. Eve
n though he’s gone, he’s still here with me.
“Thank you for a great night, Crystal. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She looks up and smiles. “You know I’d do anything for you. All you have to do is ask. Whatever you need, Justin. I’ll never leave your side.”
I let what she says settle in my head. She’s always had a crush on me, but she hasn’t pushed it to this level. She’s my good friend and employee. Nothing ever could or would happen between us.
“I appreciate that. How’s the website coming along?”
“Really good. I posted an image of Jerry’s band and made an ongoing events list on social media. People are sharing and liking it like crazy. I told you we needed to branch out. I know you think this is only a bar, but we have a great atmosphere, and with the new party room, people are going to hurry to book that room for their events.
The bar has undergone a lot of renovations. By expanding the bar and putting in a private party room, I’ve seen an increase in revenue and a bigger crowd. People love that room. When it’s a sports season, the room is booked every weekend. I have nearly every Sunday in the fall covered. Then add in Eli booking happy hour at my bar, and it all adds to the bottom line. Not only that but I took a risk and decided to take out dinner and only serve lunch and late-night options. It cut down on what I spend on food, so I could use the revenue to keep the bar stocked and the dream alive. It’s come a long way, and it’s due to my dedication and the support I’ve received from my family and friends.
Some people wish this bar wasn’t my life.
The thing is, if I didn’t have this bar, then I don’t know what I would’ve done with my life. I put everything into ensuring the bar would see a tomorrow, and this bar is the reason I’m here today. It’s the reason I’m looking at everything around me and keeping a dream alive. This is my motivation to work hard and find new ways to market so I can draw in more people and get it on lists of places to visit while in New Orleans. Once that happens, I know people will flood in and more talks of The Cure will happen.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I reach in to get it and see it’s a text from Angie.
Angie: You didn’t have to send your goons to kick me out. That wasn’t nice. What happened to the man I love? Carson would never have done that to me.
A memory hits me hard and I drop my phone on the counter. My breathing quickens and I grip the edge of the bar with my hands. The gates to my emotions storms open and I tell myself I’m in the present. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to bring myself back to the present, but it’s harder to do this time. The noises in my head grows louder.
The storm was bad that night. Carson and Angie were coming back to town. Angie texted me, saying how bad it was, and she thought it was best to lay low and for them to get a room until it was cleared. I told her Carson would be fine driving, and we’d survived worse things than this storm. That was the last time I heard from her.
My brother was dead because of me.
Chapter 4
Mallory
“You’re too much. That’s what it is. Our relationship is too intense, and I can’t handle everything you do for me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when you cook me breakfast or show up in the office with lunch. I love date nights with you and how you take the time to make the reservations and make sure they know I have a nut allergy. The fact you and my mom get along so well means a lot to me. Those are the things I love about you. You’re caring, and you have a heart of gold. Then you do these other things that are on another level. Like the night you took my phone and made a stupid mushy post about us. I’m not like that on social media. That’s all you. Or when you showed up to my guys’ night at the bar. What was that? Then there’s the fact you plan out everything we do. You don’t know when to slow down and enjoy life. You plan out everything. And since we’re being honest, things haven’t been great between us sexually either.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake out the memories from that night. It’s been two weeks, and the reason behind the breakup gnaws at me. I hear his words in my head and suddenly the lump in my chest is back.
After ripping our pictures and shoving his things in a box, I shipped it to his house and never looked back. That was supposed to make me feel better. Instead, I came back to bare walls and missing memories.
I hate that it still bothers me. I’m realizing I don’t miss Calvin, but I miss the connection with someone. I miss having someone to talk to about my day or listen to how their day went.
I shouldn’t be dwelling over the breakup and wondering why. The same question circles my mind.
Was it truly my fault?
The lists I’m making, combing what he said and the reasoning behind it, point to yes, I’m the reason Calvin broke it off.
I’m the reason behind every breakup I’ve experienced.
It’s killing me to think this, but it makes sense. I’m replaying the different scenarios during the relationships in my life, and it all points to me.
I was too much.
I loved too much.
I cared too much.
I gave too much.
Then another thought hits me. So what if I’m too much? That’s who I am, and if a man can’t accept it, then that’s his fault. It’s not my fault. I’m spending too much time and energy thinking it’s because of me when, in reality, if he didn’t have the balls to talk to me, then that’s on him.
The biggest light bulb comes on, and I feel a little better. I’m on the stage of acceptance. When a man can’t see past his own insecurities, that fault is on him, not you. Deep down, I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Things are different, and I’m going to be okay because I’m strong and I know my own worth. I know I deserve better.
Yet even though I know all this, why’s it so hard to find someone who’ll treat me the way I should be treated? I’m twenty-five years old, and after so many failed relationships, I’m starting to wonder if I should start adopting cats and be the crazy cat lady.
I pick up a book of quotes, and the mushy ones pop out to me.
Love will conquer all.
Love is the best feeling in the world.
Love will heal your wounds.
If this is what love truly is, then when will it be me? It’s funny how people say you can’t love someone until you love yourself. That’s so true, and in my heart, I love myself. I gave myself a chance to heal, and now I practice self-love and motivate myself to be better than yesterday. It’s hard to find the confidence when it’s been broken, but I know I’ll get there.
Eventually.
The problem with love and relationships, for me, is I’m not sure if it’s me or the man I’m dating. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey, come into my life and make me love you, then break my heart and leave me shattered on the floor.”
Why is it so easy for men to come into my life, get what they want, and then leave without looking back?
Why am I so forgettable?
The first thing I tell myself after each breakup is to pick myself up and move on with life. Sometimes, it works, and sometimes, it doesn’t. When it doesn’t work, I dive into work with music, so I’m busy and keep my mind from going back to the place of pain and blame. When it works, I feel alive and tell myself it’s not my fault. Breakups happen. People grow apart, and even though it can hurt, sometimes letting go and moving on is what’s for the best.
I saw a tarot card reader last week, and she said love was going to surprise me in a big way. My intuition was off the charts. I felt everything around me—happiness, love, smiles, and laughter. For once, I could easily see me with a man who showed me his love and appreciation. He wasn’t afraid to try new things, and our time together was perfect. We rarely fought. Since we were both workaholics, we cherished our time together, as little as it was.
After the breakup with Calvin, I felt lost and hated that it was festering inside me. I blamed myself for everything and started having negative thoughts like no one
was going to love me because I was too much. I allowed him into my heart and gave him what I thought was the excitement of a future with me. Everything seemed fine. Maybe I was blind to reality because I wanted to finally have a successful relationship.
I wanted what I saw on television.
I wanted what I read about in romance novels.
I wanted what was all around me.
All I wanted was someone to sweep me off my feet and want to build a life with me. It wasn’t too much to ask for. When I thought about love stories, I thought about my parents and how their love defied the odds. They were sixteen when they met and had me the following year. My dad worked hard to support his girls. We were poor, and there were nights I saw my dad leaving for work after dinner, even after already working a full day. This was my life for about ten years until he saved enough money, and we moved into a beautiful home. My mom worked as a teacher’s aide, and my dad stayed at the same job he worked since I was born. Things got easier when I was sixteen. I worked at a local grocery store, and my dad stopped working overtime. We went on our first real family vacation. Just the three of us. Then the day came when it was time for college. I scored well on my exams and earned several scholarships, so my parents didn’t have to pay for anything. With all their hard work, my mom was able to retire and my dad retired two years after her.
I always felt loved. I had the best parents in the world, and I told myself one day I was going to find a knight in shining armor the way my mom found my dad.
Was that too much to ask for? Apparently, it was.
I toss my cell phone back and forth. When my phone vibrates, I turn it to face me, and my jaw drops. Quickly, I sit up, and stare at the messages coming in.
Calvin: I hope you’re okay. I know you must think I’m an asshole, and I don’t blame you.