by Moose, S.
I look at Crystal and immediately feel bad. She liked Justin, and here I am, the new girl, coming into town and taking him away.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I like him. You love him. Big difference. Seriously, go in there and talk to him. You need to do something, or else I’m intervening.”
I place my hand on her arm. “Thanks, girl. I needed that.”
She smiles and pushes me inside. This sucks. I’m about to make my mark or whatever it is animals do.
Sucks.
“Hi, guys.” I wave, standing like an idiot in the middle of the bar, feeling bad I interrupted them. “What’s going on?”
Justin looks at Angie, then at me. “Nothing. Catching up. How was your meeting?”
“Fine. Think I can sneak you away for a few?”
“Yeah. No problem.” He looks at Angie. “Thanks for coming in. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay,” she excitedly says and then turns to look at me. “Have a good day.”
“Thanks. You too.”
When Justin comes around from the bar and over to me, he takes my hand, and we walk out toward his truck.
No kiss.
No smile.
The car ride is quiet, but my mind is racing with questions and what I want to say. I hate the tension between us. I’m replaying the night we had, and everything seemed to be going great.
We laughed. We talked. We were together.
When I turn to look at him, I notice his expressionless demeanor, and it tugs on my heart. He’s never this quiet.
“Will you talk to me?” I ask, begging him to let me in. “Or try to.”
“I can’t.”
“Why? I just want to be here for you. I want to understand what’s going on. You’ve never been like this to me.”
“We haven’t known each other long. You can’t expect me to open everything to you when I feel like shit. Let me have my bad mood. Sometimes you need to accept no matter what you can’t make me feel better.”
Ouch.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying, you can’t sit there and say I’ve never been like this before. Shit happens, Mallory. I’m sorry for being distant, but I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”
“Just tell me what’s going on. How did we go from having so much fun last night to this? You didn’t even text me today after I left. What was that about?”
He grips his steering wheel tightly and keeps his focus on the road. I have no idea where we’re going, and a part of me doesn’t want to ask.
“You won’t get it. You’ll never understand how I feel.”
“I can try if you let me in.” I try to keep my tone steady and positive even though all I want to do is cry. “Just please don’t shut me out.”
“You don’t want to know what’s on my mind. I told you, I’m fucked up. Just give me space.”
“Okay, I will.” He mutters something under his breath. “What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“It was something.”
He jerks the car to the side of the road and hurries out. I do the same and stand behind him, ready to place my hand on his shoulder.
“Please don’t shut me out. Let me be here for you.”
“I already told you. You won’t get it.” He remains facing away from
me. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” I feel the burning of tears forming because I know the answer. It’s always the same thing.
Men leave me.
I fall in love, and I think they’re in love with me too, then something weird happens, like right now, and they decide they’re better off without me.
I’ve heard all the excuses.
I think you’re way too good for me.
I don’t see this going anywhere.
You’re boring.
You’re too intense.
“We shouldn’t be together. I can’t give you the life you want.” He turns around, and his eyes are void of any emotion. “I’m a bartender. That’s all I’ll ever be. I can’t buy you expensive things or take you out to fancy restaurants. I’m a failure.”
“No, you’re not. I wish you could see ...”
“Just stop. I love you enough to let you go. Find someone who’ll love you and make you happy.”
“But I love you. You make me happy.”
“For now. It won’t last.”
All the anger building inside me erupts. “No. You can’t stand there and think that because something happened, we have to break up. I love you, Justin Monroe, and I want to be with you. I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m going to wait until you tell me. Don’t do this. Don’t break up with me because you think it’s the right thing to do.”
“I got my fucking discharge certificate. It came yesterday, but I didn’t open it until this morning. So yeah, I’m a fucking failure. I shouldn’t have left the Marines.”
My heart breaks. Being a Marine meant the world to him, and when he decided to leave, it was hard for him. He left that life behind him. All his friends decided to stay. I see him on social media looking at their posts, and he grows quiet. I don’t bother him too much about it because I know it’s a lot for him to deal with, and he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Now, I’m thinking I should’ve made him talk about it and let me in.
“Baby, you aren’t a failure. You did your years, and you did so well.”
He grips his hair and cries. “No! You don’t get it. I’m never going to amount to anything. I failed as a son since my parents left me. I failed as an adopted son since I couldn’t be who Coach and Courtney wanted. I failed as a brother since I’m the reason he died. I failed as a boyfriend since here I am trying to push you away.”
The distance between us is killing me, so I close the gap between us and hold him in my arms and let him cry.
“I’m a failure. I fucking can’t do this shit.”
“Shh, baby. Yes, you can.” I move so I’m cupping his face and looking at him. “I’m so proud of you. I didn’t know you as a Marine, but I know the man you are today. You’re standing strong. You’re not a bartender. You’re a business owner. The Cure is a popular place, and you’re killing it almost every night. The party was successful. You can keep doing this, and I’m going to make sure you’ll succeed. I won’t let you fail.”
“Why do you want to be with me?” he asks quietly.
“Because I love you. It’s as simple as that. I love you.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”
Chapter 22
Justin
I’m back at the bar and things feel empty. It’s been three days without Mallory. I’m not sleeping, eating, or doing much of anything. When I look around the bar, I see her all over, and I’m about to lose my fucking mind when Jerry comes in and sits down.
“Really?”
“I had to do it. I’m no good for her, man. I have too much shit on my plate, and she doesn’t need to be dragged down into any of this.”
Crystal comes over, sliding over a beer to Jerry, and stands there staring at me. I’m ready to lose my patience. They both look like they’re ready to say something to me.
“What?”
“You’re making a mistake, asshole,” Crystal says. “So what if you have moments of weakness. We all do. That doesn’t mean you should push her away. She’s the best thing that’s happened to you. You better find a way to fix this.”
I scoff and hang my head, trying to be strong and not show my emotions. “It’s too late. What’s done is done. She doesn’t need me to fuck up her life. I’m not good for her. What can I offer her?”
“You have more than you think,” Jerry says. “You know she’s worth it. For some reason you have it in your head you’re not good enough for her. I don’t know where that came from or what prompted you to think that. Let me ask you. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life without her?”
I don’t answer because if I’m honest, then t
he truth will hit me in the face and that’s not something I want to deal with right now.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters.” Jerry pounds on the bar and squares his eyes with mine. “You’re pushing her away because you think it’s for the best. It’s not for the best. You’re doing this out of fear. When are you going to learn the strength of love, and that there’s someone out there who wants to be with you and love all of you?”
“You don’t get it. I own a bar. She wants the whole nine yards. This is the first time in a while the bar has seen this kind of revenue. What if all that stops? How will I provide for her?”
“You work as a team. That’s what being in a relationship is all about.” Jerry pauses for a drink and continues. “Who said she wants it all? Did she come out and say to buy her something?”
I shake my head.
“Okay. Did you talk about expensive vacations or anything expensive?”
I shake my head again.
“So you’re figuring she’s going to ask for everything in this world solely on your assumption?”
Unsure how to answer, I remain quiet and tell myself I’m doing the right thing. Mallory doesn’t need someone like me in her life. I’ll only end up hurting her.
“Before you start on that …” He slides an envelope to me. “Read this.”
“I have to work.”
“Go on. Do it. I got it tonight.”
I grab the envelope and rush upstairs. I need to know what’s inside. I need to know whatever she’s going to say to me.
Justin,
How is it in a short amount of time I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you? When we first started talking, something inside me lit up. I felt connected to you, and it made me smile when we spent the day and night talking. Our talks were something I looked forward to and I loved every minute.
Then we met.
When our eyes connected, when you smiled at me, I came alive. Something inside me exploded with life. I felt my heart opening for you. I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong. Love is what I feel for you. You came into my life and showed me I’m more and I’m worth so much more. You showed me what it’s like to feel appreciated. Cherished. Loved. Wanted.
It was you.
I hate that I’m writing you this letter. It breaks my heart knowing something so real and so strong has come to an end. Please know you’ve changed my life for the better. I’m a better person to have been with you and gotten to know you. I don’t blame you for us not being together.
All I want is for you to be okay and be happy with your life. All I want is for you to find something meaningful in life and go after it. You’re so talented and special and I hope one day you’ll be able to see that. This has been the happiest I’ve been, and I’m so lucky to have found you.
Always be brave and don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t be afraid to try new things and go on adventures.
I’ll never forget you, and you’ll always be on my mind.
Love,
Mallory
Chapter 23
Mallory
Taking a deep breath, I put the pen to the empty page of my journal.
It’s been two weeks since Jerry gave my letter to Justin. No one has seen him, but Jerry says he’s okay and alive.
Alive.
That’s the most important thing.
I’m not sure how or what I’m feeling besides lonely and sad. I fell hard for Justin, and I know he did too. We connected on different levels. We listened to one another and talked about our hopes and dreams.
Then he closed himself off to me and left me.
I can’t blame him, and I’m done being mad. It’s too early to accept we aren’t together, but I think Justin needed this break from reality to find himself and figure out what he really wants. All his life, he was doing things for other people and not himself.
Lisa asked me what I would do if Justin asked me to be his again. There was no hesitation.
I’d be his again.
Closing my eyes, I bring up my hand and pinch the bridge of my nose to try and remain clam. I don’t want to cry again because if I do, I know I won’t stop for hours.
Heading to my bedroom, I get into bed and pull out the picture of us. It’s a selfie I took on my phone and printed out. We’re smiling and happy. Justin’s arms are wrapped around my waist and we’re both staring at the camera. My heart jumps to my throat and I place the picture on my chest. The physical pain of Justin leaving me comes back. I can feel my heart breaking and the tears streaming down from my eyes.
I miss him.
I love him.
“Please come back to me.” I whisper to the universe, hoping it’ll take my words to Justin so he’ll know how badly I want him back.
The darkness from outside streams into my bedroom. I’m laying on my side, thinking about Justin, and not being able to turn off my thoughts. I can’t stop picturing his smile and hearing his laugh.
“We’re not doing this anymore.” I don’t move when I hear Lisa’s voice or feel her sitting on the bed. “You need to get up.”
“No.”
“Come on, Mallory. Don’t do this to yourself. I won’t let you.”
“Please let me have tonight. All I want to do is be in bed and not be around people.”
Her hand touches my shoulder and I shut my eyes. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel this void in my heart.
“Why’d he leave me?”
“Because he’s an asshole idiot.” I turn my head toward the masculine and gruff voice and see Jerry standing in the doorway. “Get up, girl.”
“Listen to Jerry. If you don’t, he’ll come in and throw you over his shoulder.”
I groan, pushing myself into a sitting position. “How’s he doing?”
“He’s safe. Miserable and moody as fuck, but he’s safe.”
I nod. “That’s all I want to hear.”
“Let’s get dinner. Get that smile back on your face.” Jerry comes into the room and leans over to kiss my forehead. “My best friend’s the best man I know. He’s a hero, but he’s a stubborn idiot. He’ll come around.”
“I hope.”
* * *
Justin
The bar’s in good hands with Jerry and Crystal working together. In the next day or two, I’ll be ready to face her and convince her to be mine again.
For the first week since I left New Orleans and came back to my parents, I wanted to reach out to Mallory and tell her I was sorry. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and that I read her letter every night.
I didn’t do that.
My love and feelings for Mallory tied me down so I wouldn’t float away. It weighed on my heart, chained me down, suffocating me because I knew I wanted her and I knew she was who I wanted to be with.
I fucked up.
There wasn’t a chance in hell she was going to forgive me. The promises I made to her were broken when I left her. I knew she was fragile and was having a hard time trusting again. My fear got the best of me. She started to trust me because I told her she could, and I promised I would’ve kept her safe.
I miss her and all the feelings of what can be with her fuel me to do what I need to do and that’s to get my shit together and go back to her.
Go back home.
Mallory is my home.
A knock on the bedroom door gets my attention and my mom walks in holding a plate of food.
“I know. You’re an adult and this is so uncool, but I wanted to bring you something to eat.”
“Thanks, Mom. It’s fine. I like when you do those uncool things.”
“You missed dinner, so I thought I’d bring you some and of course check on you. Do you want to talk?”
“That’d be nice.”
Courtney and I always had a special bond. It was almost immediate. I trusted her and she helped me figure out life. Before I signed the letter to join the Marines, I went to her for advice, and told her being a
Marine was important to me. Through her tears, she listened, and told me to follow my heart and if that’s what I wanted, then go for it. She reminded me that no matter what they were always going to be there.
“I miss her. So much. It’s not about her physically. I miss the hope she gave me. When we were together, I felt whole. She did that for me. Then I shut down. When I saw the discharge certificate, I lost it, and I took it out on her. She didn’t deserve that.”
“You’re right. She didn’t, but you don’t need to carry the guilt or disappointment about leaving the Marines. You held your part of the agreement and served. You’re a hero to many people. Even those you don’t know.”
“Thanks.” I tell her and turn to give her a hug. “I love you Mom.”
“I love you too, Justin. Now figure out a plan and go get her back.”
When she leaves, I pull out her letter and read it. When I’m done I read it again. I hear her words and I can see her sitting in her nook by the window. She’s using a notebook and that notebook is over a hardcover book so she has something hard to write on. I see her long blonde hair falling into her eyes and she’s moving it away with her free hand, tucking the strands behind her ear. When she’s in a deep state of thinking, she’ll chew on her pen and stare at nothing, then out of nowhere she starts writing again.
That’s what I’m seeing when I read her letter.
I hear her voice reading the letter aloud.
The weight of her words lay heavily on my chest. Even though I left her, she still thinks I’m a good man. She’s grateful for the time we had together and will take the memories with her. Mallory Claire has the biggest heart I know and then I came along and crushed it into a million pieces.
It’s up to me to put it back together and never make her feel that way again. I’m going to gain her trust again. I’m going to protect her. Protect her heart. I’m going to be the man she knows me to be.
Chapter 24
Mallory
I’m keeping busy like I should be doing because if I’m not doing something, my mind goes to Justin and I’m a hot mess. I’m accepting his decision and respecting it as I should. There’s no reason to sit around and be sad. I’ll never forget Justin and I pray he finds his place in this world and what he wants.