by Shannon Kirk
There are two delusions I cannot bear for you to have in this life. The first is that you do not accept that I kidnapped you. I did. That’s true. Accept it.
The second is that you believe I didn’t love you and I abandoned you. That is false. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than anything you could ever imagine. It hurts to look at you. I wince sometimes, because to see you is a heartbreak of knowing the future, of watching you grow and knowing you will leave me. It physically hurts, a heartbreak so deep, to love you this much. This last year has been a torturous tug-of-war with myself, the pull of me knowing I need to let you go and allow you to grow, and the pull to keep and hold you tight. Did you notice the purposeful distance I’ve been building between us since I stopped homeschooling? Hoping to make it easy for you to transition to a life without me.
I did not, because I cannot, could not, never, ever would I ever voluntarily abandon you. Whatever reason we are separated, know that it is not my choice. Either the law or some other intervener, maybe I got ill, maybe I had an accident, something, but something other than my choice has separated us. Perhaps it’s scary to you for me to expose such deep, obsessive love for you, love I do not deserve and that is not mine. But, again, I speak the bare truth to you, Lucy. And my truth is that you are my child through and through, and I love you for who you are: Gretchen Bianchi’s daughter. She is a gem, I can admit that on paper to you, because I tell you, even if I don’t tell myself, the full truth now. I shouldn’t have taken you from her. I just wanted to save you from your father, that part is true. But I was misguided, because I turned it into a lesson for her. And I fell in love with you.
I should apologize. I should repent for my evil act, beg forgiveness for being a taker. But I won’t burden you with any of that. Do not forgive me for me. You go live your beautiful life. You are the courageous, brilliant, bright-smart, brave girl I always wished I could be, but failed.
Love,
Laura Ingrace
Mag, watching from afar, sees Lucy sigh, close her eyes, drop her hands with the note between her legs, and breathe a few beats in such a deep, soulful manner, it seems as though her girl is swallowing words, forgiving and accepting sadness, shielding herself and also steeling herself for what her past had made of her—and how this is a truth both dangerous and beautiful. To her mother’s eyes, she couldn’t be more proud of the girl who then looks up to the cold clouds and nods, as if saying, Okay, okay, I understand, and then looks down and across the outdoor courtyard to Mag as if to say, Thank you for being here with me.
In Mag’s mind, she says back, I am always going to be here—a shield, a knight, a soldier, a shoulder. Unwavering love. A place you always have. Your home, my home, wherever we are.
Meandering along thereafter in the journey, they stop in Riverside, Illinois, for a big family reunion thrown by Squawk, for which all of Mag’s sisters fly or drive to attend—including Carly, Jim, and their two daughters from Costa Rica. Lucy is covered in hugs and pecking kisses and gentle questions by scores of aunts and uncles and cousins, as if she’s a toddler in a mosh pit of Labrador puppies. Sister Squawk goes all out like the mother hen she plays, worrying and fretting over catering details and making sure the uncles grill everything to each guest’s specifications. Even though it’s November, the fickle Midwest weather shifts unnaturally warm, so Squawk rented a bouncy house and a cotton-candy machine. Her indoor pool is perfect.
The drive from Illinois to Carmel is raucous, given that Carly and her daughters join in on this leg—the five-woman tribe, plus fur-love Allen, opting to stay in pet-friendly hotels whenever they’re tired of driving. Carly’s husband, Jim, returns to Costa Rica to “ready some things.” Because at the end of this drive, it’s been decided and reaffirmed: Lucy and Mag will gift the beast camper to old D at the Triple C and fly out to start their new life, in their second country, Costa Rica, and live in an enclave by Carly, Jim, and their two daughters.
Mag and Lucy also agree to spend next summer with Cord in Italy, working as part of his games-and-ground crew. Nathan and Thomas will come in two months from now to Costa Rica to celebrate New Year’s, and who knows? Who knows what comes from that?
Life is good.
And they will live happily ever after in a tropical location part of the year and in Italy for another part of the year and traveling around wherever they want, whenever they want.
Supplemental reading about the Death March cult, whatever happened to Paul Trapmore, and more at www.shannonkirkbooks.com.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This is obviously a work of fiction. But I did get some tremendous help and guidance on topics I know nothing about. Apologies to the professionals and scientists with whom I consulted if I got anything mixed too far afield from reality.
One such amazing resource was the renowned puzzle expert Anne D. Williams, who is the leading American authority on jigsaw puzzles. She’s written several books and dozens of articles on the topic. I read her fascinating book The Jigsaw Puzzle (Berkley Books). Anne was a gracious professor to me, allowing me into her Maine home to ask her questions and, BONUS, showing me her amazing puzzle collection, one of the largest in the world. But her greatest gift was teaching me all about how to use her vintage Rockwell scroll saw. I still have the puzzle piece she taught me to cut, with my own custom “loops and voids” (thanks, Anne, for the correct terminology!), and I’ll treasure that for the rest of my life. Honestly, that visit to Anne, who didn’t know me from anyone, was the highlight of my whole summer. Thank you, Anne! Shout-out to all the puzzlers in the world. I truly find puzzling fascinating and absorbing, and I’m getting the bug.
Also a tremendous help was my interview with Dr. Alexandra Jane Lewis-Lorentz, a connection made for me by my awesome uncle, John Overlan (whom I call Uncle Buck). Dr. Lewis-Lorentz (thankfully) guided me away from how I was originally going to deal with the bones (I’ll keep this vague for readers who read the acknowledgments first). She taught me what to consider and to read more about, with respect to the preservation of bones in different environments. To whatever extent I took wild liberties with the science of bones, please forgive my untethered pen in messing up her sound science.
I also found the following resources tremendously helpful: The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman (simply a fantastic book), www.massaudubon.org, and www.nhaudubon.org.
Thanks to my beta readers. As they have on all my books, my ever-faithful cousin Beth Hoang and my mom, Kathy Capone, gave really great directions on how to improve the first first draft. If a manuscript doesn’t pass their tough-love tests, then it doesn’t go anywhere. I honestly can’t thank them enough for their time and support.
Thanks to my dad, Richard Capone, who told me a crazy story about an eagle and a loon while we were presiding like royalty over Suncook Lake. My dad has always told the best stories, and I hope he finds my rendition of them as a show of honor.
My glorious agent, Kimberley Cameron, is the biggest champion for me. I can’t get my brain around how it’s been about six years since she plucked me out of the slush pile and changed my life. Remember me screaming for joy when you called? I’ll never forget. Thanks for supporting me every step of the way and in all my crazy ideas. Simply, you’re my guardian angel. Also, thanks to Mary Alice Kier and Anna Cottle of the Cine/Lit agency, and Whitney Lee of The Fielding Agency (foreign rights), for their representation and unwavering support.
Thanks to Jessica Tribble at Thomas & Mercer for signing me on as an author. What I love about Jessica as my editor is that . . . she gets me. I get her. We get each other. She lets me be weird and try these crazy ideas; and I really, really, really love her for that. She was REALLY right about a huge change in this book from its first draft, and damn, did she earn my forever love for that.
Thanks to my dev editor, Andrea Hurst, who once again helped me see serious flaws I was (admittedly) refusing to see. Clear guidance with such awesome encouragement. Really love working with you, Andrea.
And thanks to the entire Thomas & Mercer team, a band of professionals. The copyeditor, Sara Brady, who saved me from serious flaws; proofreader Jill Kramer; production editors Lauren Bailey and Carissa Bluestone; the PR team, notably Ashley Vanicek, who is simply the best; and the amazing jacket designers, who once again gave me a cover I am just obsessed with.
Last but not least, I can’t live the life I do, in such satisfaction and happiness, without the incredible support of my son, Max Kirk, and husband, Mike Kirk. I am a lucky woman, and I’m thankful every day for our pack. I want to thank Max especially for drawing me the Sabin grounds after he listened to me explain the outline and setting of this story. It’s hanging framed on my wall and has encouraged me all along the way in writing this book. Max is the center of my world. I love you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Photo © 2016 Lara Keefe
Shannon Kirk is the international bestselling and award-winning author of In the Vines, The Extraordinary Journey of Vivienne Marshall, and Method 15/33. Growing up in New Hampshire, Shannon and her brothers were encouraged by their parents to pursue the arts, which instilled in her a love for writing at a young age. A graduate of Suffolk Law School in Massachusetts, Shannon is a practicing litigation attorney and former adjunct law professor, specializing in electronic-evidence law. When she isn’t writing or practicing law, Shannon spends time with her husband, son, and two cats. To learn more about her, visit www.shannonkirkbooks.com.