“What’s the point?” Aiko sniffed. “Once we get home you’ll put me down about it.”
Speechless, Reina backed away.
“I know you think I’m stupid, or crazy. But I listen to you about what you want all the time. You always want something!” Aiko’s purse slipped down her arm. “Sex, sex, more sex! I’ve changed so much in my life for what you want! And you can’t do that for me?”
A baby is in no way equal to that! “I promise I’ll listen to you. But we should get home before the trains stop running…”
“Fuck the trains.” Aiko threw her hands into the air, purse dangling from her elbow. “Maybe they could get me pregnant like a real man!”
Silence fell between them.
Bile shot up Reina’s throat. She did not say that. Like a “real man?” She did not… Reina spun away before her face twisted. Two months’ improvement over her gender dysphoria came crashing down as a bitter reminder of how little she was worth as a woman – even to her wife.
They stood like that for a while, until a group of men and women shoved past them like two dummies in the way. In time Aiko began to walk away, slowly enough for Reina to catch up to her. They said nothing the rest of the way home. Not even a single “sorry.”
Reina felt her life crumbling away.
* * *
For as much as Aiko desired sleep, it did not seem to want to visit her.
She tossed and turned in bed, riled up from a night at the club and her subsequent yell-a-thon at Reina. Guilt filled her veins like blood. I shouldn’t have said that. Usually Aiko had a decent filter between her brain and her mouth, but her being so off lately tore it down like the Berlin Wall. Too bad it couldn’t tear down the wall in their bed. The first thing Aiko did when they got home was throw on her nightgown and hop between the sheets. She knew she was in for a long night when she still wasn’t asleep when Reina came up over an hour later, mumbling more apologies to Jun on the phone. “Even if I could make the last train over there, I don’t really feel like it anymore.” Her voice was too morose for Aiko’s heart to take.
But by the time she gathered the courage to face her spouse and apologize, Reina was already asleep. Aiko stared at her side rising up and down as she steadily breathed. Even in the darkness Aiko could see small tear tracks on her spouse’s cheeks.
When sleep finally showed up at her doorstep another hour later, Aiko slipped into a heavy, cold trance free of dreams.
For a time.
In her head she heard those words over and over again. “Maybe they could get me pregnant like a real man!” They haunted her as she dreamed about waddling to the doctor’s office, her stomach the size of Eri’s. Beside her walked Reina, telling everyone they came across how her “dick did that.” At the doctor’s office, a giraffe wearing glasses told Aiko that her baby would be born both male and female – not intersexed, no, but a god-like being that could meld its sex and gender together or split it apart at will. Instead of becoming perplexed, Aiko was relieved that her child would never have to worry about growing up like her spouse.
The dream shifted. Aiko went from being pregnant to being naked, and her dream-self realized that the pregnancy thing was merely an illusion. Now the reality was her sitting in bed with Reina, discussing potential baby names as they looked over a sperm donor list. To Aiko’s great surprise, she was ten years younger and primed for a healthy pregnancy.
Then they made love. Aiko melted into her spouse’s arms and apologized for saying such awful things back in Ni-chome. She also apologized for ruining her evening with Jun. “Don’t worry about me,” Jun said from across the room. “It’s my turn to watch now.” And thus Aiko flung herself back into a sexual frenzy with her spouse.
The dream became devoid of sight. All Aiko experienced was the heated touch of her and Reina’s lovemaking, their bed wetter than the ocean and shaking more than an earthquake. Reina thrust inside her wife like a jackhammer, her cock bigger than Aiko remembered. What’s the size above Maximum? Aiko forgot everything she insinuated about Reina not being “manly” enough for her. No, her skills in the bedroom were more than good enough to transcend biology and impregnate her wife. Because that’s what the sex was about, of course. Reina got her sex and Aiko got her baby.
“Aiko-san,” her spouse whispered into her ear.
She cried out as Reina was replaced with someone else. Shadows loomed between her and the figure still fucking her, its voice distorted as neither male nor female. Somewhere in that moment Aiko’s subconscious let slip that she was dreaming: it only lasted a second as she decided she didn’t care and enjoyed the sex. Then she became convinced it was reality again, and the figure fucking her reclaimed a face.
“Aiko-san!” Takeshi clung to her and grunted in English.
No! No! Everything inside Aiko’s brain told her that this was wrong, that even if it were a dream it was tantamount to cheating. No! She had never done it with a man before. She had never dreamed of doing it with a man before. So now why was a man’s cock slamming into her as if he were her spouse? Reina! She reached into the air and tried to find her. But Reina was gone, evicted from her thoughts.
And just like that, Aiko slipped further into her dream.
Dream-Aiko liked this change. She quickly gave in to the man on top of her, crying in pleasure as he fucked her like a real man. That wasn’t some fake cock made out of silicone – that was a real penis, and the man attached to it felt her insides as nature intended. What was a lesbian? Aiko had never heard of it. She had been fucking this same man over and over for twenty years now. And this was it. This was the time they were finally going to make a baby.
Takeshi bit Aiko’s ear as he began to orgasm inside her. Everything telling Aiko to shove him off and look for Reina was soundly beaten by Dream-Aiko.
“Ah!” She jerked herself out of sleep as she reached her own orgasm. Her mouth hung open in the humid air, pelvis reacting as if she were having an orgasm in real life. She had never been so grateful to wear underwear to bed.
Sweat poured off her, forcing her to kick back the covers and fight to catch her breath. She turned over. 2:15, the clock said. Beside her, Reina continued to sleep in an oblivious stupor.
“Reina…” She almost reached out to touch her – then she remembered her dream.
It pushed Aiko out of bed. She went out into the hallway, wandering into the toilet to relieve herself and to be ashamed at the state of her sexual arousal. She convinced herself it was because of Reina. She always gets me wet. Not that man. Not Takeshi.
She flushed the toilet and stepped back into the hallway. The air there was more suffocating than in either the bedroom or the toilet. Aiko’s first instinct was to run back to bed, but she did not think she could be near her spouse at that moment.
The only other alternative was to go downstairs. So she went into the kitchen, rooting through the dish rack.
I’m so stupid. She watched a glass fill with tap water as she beat back her tears. Dreaming about sex with Takeshi! The thought now made her wince and shiver, and not in pleasurable waves like women made her feel – women like Reina.
Footsteps creaked in the hallway.
“Reina?” Aiko turned, eyes adjusting to the darkness. Her spouse stood in front of the fridge like a sentry. “You’re up?” Aiko forced a pleasant voice.
The fridge opened, illuminating Reina’s narrowed eyes and mussed hair. She wore only a T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, but Aiko knew from experience that it was enough to strangle a person on a hot summer night. The only good sweaty night is when you’re naked. That melting face reappeared in her mind. Aiko almost dropped her glass.
“I woke up and you were gone.” Reina pulled out a carton of apple juice; Aiko picked out another glass and handed it to her. “I waited for you to come back after the toilet flushed, but you never did.”
“I was thirsty.”
Reina closed the fridge after filling her glass with juice. “Me too.”
Th
e awkward silence settling between them was only mediated by the sounds of liquid coursing down Reina’s throat. “Reina, I’m…I’m sorry about what happened earlier.”
Her spouse ambled over to her and hovered above the sink. The scent of her sweat infiltrated Aiko’s nostrils even at that distance. I don’t mind it. It was a scent she associated with the most pleasurable aspects of being in a relationship.
“Don’t worry about it,” Reina grumbled.
“How do I not? I said some awful things.”
The glass clanked into the sink. “You did.”
“I’m sorry.”
One thoughtful second passed before Reina stood up and spoke again. “That hurt a lot. You know how much I’ve struggled with my gender these past few years.”
“I know.” Aiko had seen the gradual descent of Reina’s mental health and self-image.
“I’m not a man, Ai-chan. I never will be.”
“I know.” The image of Takeshi thrusting into her returned; Aiko snorted her water.
Reina turned toward her wife. “I’ll also never want to have children. I know that hurts you, but it’s not something we can compromise on. We can stop having an open relationship a lot easier than we can stop being parents.”
Can we? Asking Reina to stop having sex with other women would end their relationship. Maybe that’s the point. “I know. I know it’s near impossible anyway. But…” The glass trembled in her hand.
“What?”
“I feel…empty.”
Reina remained silent for what seemed half of an eternity. She clung to the sink as if it would stabilize their relationship. “Sometimes I do too. Especially when I’m at work. Riding home I’ll think about how much I hate my life, how I would rather do anything than what I am. Then I come home. And you’re here. And everything is okay again.”
Aiko held her hand to her chest, her wedding ring digging into her palm. “I’m happier when you’re with me too. But I guess I’m reaching the point where I need to do something with my life. And when I think about what I’ve always wanted to do, being a mother is at the top of that list. How do I reconcile that?”
After a deep breath pounded through her nostrils, Reina stepped closer and placed her arm around Aiko’s midsection. “I don’t know.” She brought Aiko’s head in toward her chest. “I can’t help you with that.”
The warmth of perspiration overcame Aiko’s senses as her nose pressed into her spouse’s T-shirt. Never before had she been so grateful for Reina’s height difference over her – although her spouse was not a meaty woman, Aiko could still feel protected even when no one had any idea how to help her. In the end, she’s not so different from a man. Besides that core component between her legs. Over the years they often joked that it was to their benefit that Reina couldn’t impregnate Aiko, but now she wished the slightest chance existed. It would ruin our marriage. The thought made her cling harder to her spouse.
“There are ways you can help me,” Aiko mumbled into Reina’s chest.
“And how’s that?”
Aiko pulled away far enough to look up into Reina’s face. “By being yourself.”
“Sometimes you make me feel like ‘myself’ isn’t good enough to help you.”
“I love you. That’s all I need.”
They kissed slowly in the dark humidity of the kitchen, the taste of salt now mingling between their lips. A flash of Aiko’s dream returned. She sobbed into her spouse’s mouth before throwing herself into a firmer embrace.
Aiko felt her life crumbling away.
The pieces started coming back together throughout the week, as Aiko and Reina fell back into their usual routines: this included the daily lives of work and chores, and the night lives of cuddling and sex.
Thankfully, Aiko never once thought of or imagined Takeshi while making love to her spouse. Not when Reina wordlessly pulled out her favorite strap-on one night and went to town on Aiko’s omanko like she had in the dream. But although such pieces found themselves recollected and put back into the same bag, they did not necessarily solder together again. Aiko’s hurtful words still hung between them, amplified every time a baby related commercial popped up on TV or she interacted with the neighborhood children on their way to school each morning.
In secret, Aiko kept researching the different ways she could have a baby. Her reasoning was that Reina could change her mind, and if that day came, Aiko wanted to be ready to get pregnant as soon as possible. Deep in her gut she knew that would never happen, but on slow afternoons when the chores were done and nothing good was on TV, she wandered the Internet on her phone in search of answers.
Wednesday finally produced her chance to talk about it with another woman when she went to the gynecologist. She and Reina both went to the same woman in Shinjuku who was renowned “in the area” for being sensitive to lesbians and their unique issues. After Aiko’s exam, during which she fell backward into a rotating chair and tried to think of anything beyond what went on between her legs, she sat in a tiny consultation room waiting for the doctor to see her. The fact she sat across from a gestation chart did not inspire confidence in her.
“Takeuchi-san,” the doctor said as she slipped through the door. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I was waiting on your initial test results so I would have them on hand for you.”
The usual panic shot down Aiko’s spine as she imagined having every disease known to man – and woman. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. Or I should say, everything looks perfectly normal.”
They smiled at each other. Thank God. Ever since her first exam after dating Reina, Aiko imagined being told, “For some reason your vagina is huge! Too huge! And what the hell happened to your cervix? It looks like it was beat up by a battering ram!” Her and Reina’s mutual tastes in dildo size did not help that nightmare.
“There was something you wanted to discuss with me?”
Aiko jerked herself back to reality and nodded her head. “I was hoping that maybe you knew…because of your usual patients…what would you suggest to somebody like me who wanted…to become a mother?”
The doctor’s neutral smile quickly turned to shock. “A mother? As in to become pregnant or adopt?”
“Yes. Of course.”
The doctor slumped in her seat. It’s because of Reina, isn’t it? Reina had to be dragged to her appointments and recently became psychologically distressed at the thought. Aiko also had no doubt that when asked about her sexual history and the possibility of being pregnant, Reina often shouted, “I don’t want children! The fuck is wrong with you people? Why are you so obsessed with my womb?” like she did that one time.
The doctor cleared her throat. “Usually when lesbians wish to have a child, they do it the same way straight women do – natural impregnation.”
Aiko stiffened. “You mean like have sex with a man.”
“Yes. Usually one who has agreed to father a child, like a donor.”
Having sex as a donation? “I see. Are there any other alternatives?” If Reina ever agreed to having a child, letting her wife have sex with a man would never happen.
“There is of course taking a semen sample and administering it either yourself or in an office like this.”
Aiko was reminded of Reina joking about sticking a turkey baster in her. She wouldn’t laugh now. “I suppose adoption is out of the question.”
“It would be difficult as a single woman to be granted an adoption, yes.”
One option was near impossible, and the other …sex with a man. Aiko thought she could do it. At one time in her life she assumed she would have sex with men, and it didn’t bother her. Of course that was before she discovered sex with women and how happy it made her. Who said a man couldn’t make her happy either? Reina. It would break her heart.
“There are some things you will have to keep in mind, Takeuchi-san.”
She lifted her head. “Yes?”
The doctor nodded. “According to your file, yo
u will be turning forty in six weeks. You are at an age now where getting pregnant will become more difficult, and if you do get pregnant, there are specific health risks to keep in mind. If you are serious about it, it will be best to become pregnant sooner rather than later.”
“Oh, yes.” Like Aiko needed to be reminded of her age. “I understand.”
“Good. Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?”
Nothing that preoccupied Aiko’s mind, or that she could discuss with her doctor. How about my relationship with my spouse? Yeah, sure.
Aiko left the doctor’s office that day feeling no surer in what she should do, especially after seeing a waiting room full of pregnant women and mothers with small children. All she could think as she got in the elevator was that Reina would never stand for any of it.
Although they usually joked about and celebrated their polarizing differences in personality and desires, Aiko admitted that she and Reina had reached an impasse with this issue. Maybe she’s right. The doctor more or less confirmed they could not have a baby unless Reina agreed to letting Aiko have sex with a man for the sole purpose of getting pregnant. She would never allow it. And at Aiko’s age and undetermined fertility, there was no guarantee anything would quicken the first time. It could take multiple tries. Even though she was willing to do it with a man to get pregnant, that didn’t mean she wanted to do it a lot. That was sex she could be having with her spouse, whom she loved.
The whole dilemma gave her a headache. She rode the train home with her head resting against the back of her seat, brain tuned out to the sounds and smells of the people around her. It was early afternoon, the time when elementary schools were letting out for the day. Packs of children with hard-cased backpacks and yellow hats marched up and down the trains, playing make-believe games and sharing toys. Aiko pretended they were not there. She didn’t want to face what she couldn’t have.
She got off at her station more morose than usual, her demeanor falling off her face and her hair falling limp in the heat. Sun shone on the back of her neck while storm clouds rumbled in the distance. With any luck she would get home before it started raining, or worse, thundering.
Koibumi Page 13