“Dare?” Reina put her phone down and sauntered out into the genkan. She certainly wasn’t expecting anyone or anything that day.
And she certainly wasn’t expecting the most self-satisfied housewife in all the world either. But that’s who she got on the other side of the door.
“Oh, it’s you.” Saki’s fake smile fell off her face.
“Yeah, it’s me. I live here and everything.” Reina had half a mind to slam the door.
“Unfortunately. Is my sister here? Please tell me she is.”
Reina braced herself. “No. She’s at the hospital seeing your niece.”
“Oh?” For the first time in Reina’s memory, Saki expressed a genuine emotion that was not angry or disgusted. No, now she was confused. She furrowed her brows as if it would summon her sister. “That’s odd. I came from there and she wasn’t there. Did she just leave?”
“No.” Reina had no idea what was going on. By all accounts Aiko should have been at the hospital for the past hour. “Are you sure?”
Saki scoffed. “I would know my own damn sister, that’s for sure. Hmph. What a waste of my time. This place is so out of the way from anywhere I need to be. Shows me for not calling first. She’s probably out on a date with her boyfriend anyway.”
Reina had the door halfway closed when she heard that last bit; the door jammed in her hand as if it wanted to bite her. “Excuse me?” The blood froze in her veins.
“You didn’t know?” The smarminess in Saki’s airs reached new levels. That fuckhead is enjoying this. Reina knew she should take everything her sister-in-law said from here on out with the smallest grain of rice, but her ears attached themselves to Saki’s words regardless. “My little sister has a gentleman companion she’s been spending most of her time with lately. Yes, I’ve seen them canoodling in the cafes and restaurants in this very neighborhood. I think he lives near here. Very handsome and rich looking. Oh, my, you really didn’t know?”
If Reina looked anything like she felt, then she must have looked like a ghost on the verge of throwing up. Aiko? With a man? “No. I didn’t.” She could barely manage a whisper.
“Goodness! And here I assumed it was okay since you two are practically sluts. To think! My sister has been dabbling in infidelity!” She gasped as if such a thought truly concerned her. “I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this!”
No you’re not. But this was something Saki took great pleasure in, not lying about. The delivery was too opportunistic, not planned. Reina’s fingers went numb around the doorframe as she tried not to dry heave in front of her smug sister-in-law. “You lie,” Reina attempted anyway.
“I do not! I would never lie about such a thing. I saw Aiko and a man her age behaving like any romantic couple. In public, no less! She seemed to appreciate being so open.”
Something stung Reina’s eyes. “I think you should go. She’s not here.”
“You’re right. I’ll call her later. Sayonara.” The final, calculating wave Saki gave her had the air of a woman hoping this would be the last time they ever met.
Reina slammed the door shut before Saki reached the gate. A man… She stumbled out of the genkan and back into the living area, where she collapsed in front of the table and stared at her phone. A man! Who was it? Who could it be? The only men Reina knew of in Aiko’s life were her family members, and she rarely talked to them anyway. She’s fucking with me. Saki would. She hated Reina, like the rest of the Takeuchis, and would love nothing more than them breaking up. Yet the nagging feeling remained in Reina’s gut.
She was so consumed by her own confusion and self-doubt that she forgot her original plan to have dinner waiting by the time Aiko came home, a full hour after she said she would be back. Was she really on a date? As Aiko hobbled into the living area, Reina imagined her wife, dressed in jeans and a pink cotton blouse, arm-in-arm with a man while they laughed at the charade that was the gay life. Aiko immediately detected her spouse’s involuntary sneer.
“Reina! What’s wrong?”She slumped to the table with a giant smile. “You look as annoyed as I feel.”
“Where were you?” It came out more accusatory than Reina anticipated.
“Eh? I told you, I went to the hospital. The trains were stopped on the way there, though. Some accident or something. That’s why I’m so late.”
Likely. The trains were always stopping for one reason or another. It was a good excuse for any occasion. “Uh huh.” Reina turned away from her wife.
“What’s going on? Are you upset?” Aiko laid one hand on her spouse’s arm.
At first Reina wanted to relax beneath that warm and familiar touch – but then she thought of that hand stroking another man’s bicep, and her blood thawed again just to curdle like milk. Good judgment said she should drop the whole thing and trust her wife. After so many years together, Reina had no reason not to trust a woman who built their relationship on honesty and open communication. If she had a guy friend, she would tell me about it. Right? Aiko told her everything…even stuff she had no interest in hearing.
“Reina?”
The battle continued within her. My Ai-chan would never. She would tell me. Another hand landed on her arm. Aiko’s voice was far away, imploring her to tell her what was wrong.
What was wrong.
“There’s a man, isn’t there?”
Silence. Cold, mean, throat strangling silence. Fuck me. Aiko’s hands eased off Reina’s shoulders as the god damned silence said everything that needed to be said. When it broke, it was Aiko’s soft voice returning to her spouse’s ear. “What do you mean by that?”
“You’re seeing a man.”
“If by ‘seeing’ you mean befriending one, then I would be a liar to tell you no.”
Daggers stabbed Reina right in the chest, one in her heart and the other in her soul. It’s true. The heaviness of it weighed upon her shoulders like molten lava. “Are you fucking him?” She nearly choked on the question.
A gasp shot between them. “Reina!” Aiko recoiled from her.
Reina could only maintain a placid manner. “Well?” She turned to her wife, Aiko’s face contorted in disbelief. “Are you?”
“No!” The vehemence of it struck a blow between them. “I would never!”
“Never?” That was funny. “A couple of weeks ago you were saying you would have sex with a man so you could have a baby.”
A growl returned to edge Aiko’s voice. “I don’t like what you’re implying.”
“What? That you’d cheat on me with a man to get a fucking baby you keep rambling about? Why ever would I imply that?”
“Because you’ve lost your mind, apparently!”
Reina slapped her hands onto the table, making her wife jump. “But there is a man, isn’t there?” The shout echoed in the house. Hell, it probably echoed throughout the neighborhood.
“You are overreacting.”
“Overreacting?” Reina’s hand hurt from slapping the table, but she would not nurse it in front of Aiko. “What in the world am I supposed to think when I find out that you’ve apparently been seeing some man and have never told me? That you’ve spent so much time recently obsessed with this baby idea? Tell me! What am I supposed to think?”
Aiko didn’t miss a beat. “That I have a life outside of you.”
Rage, the most unproductive emotion to flood out of Reina, did so anyway as she leaped up from the table and surged into the hallway. She stopped at the staircase and grabbed the railing, her fingers curling around the banister until they turned red. She’s fucking him! It was the only explanation. Aiko would never keep a simple friendship a secret. She’s fucking a man! Nausea filled her stomach and lurched into her throat. She could see her Aiko, naked, in bed, a man approaching her, his cock stiff as she tittered like a virgin.
Footsteps approached from behind. “For the love of… let’s talk about this. I can explain.”
“Explain what?” Reina would not show her wife her twisting face. “That you’d rather
have a real man than me?”
“For fuck’s sake! No! He’s a friend! We talk about English all day!”
“All day?” Reina turned, fangs hanging out. “You’re with him all day?”
“No! Let me finish!”
“Ha! Is that what you have to say to him in bed?”
“We’re not fucking, damnit! I would never betray you!”
But those words did not sink into Reina’s brain, which was so far gone into the paralyzing concept that some man was crawling between her wife’s legs all day, every day. Instead she choked at the thought of Aiko moaning for him, nails in his back as she wailed how good he felt inside her. “Tell me, did it at least feel good to fuck a real cock? I’m sure you’ve been dying to know for years now.”
“Don’t. Don’t do it.” Here came Aiko’s claws. Reina hadn’t heard this tone since March, when Aiko got huffy about what happened with Haruka. “Don’t make this about your issues.”
“My issues?” Did she mean the gender dysphoria? The thing that consumed Reina until she was paralyzed by fear and insecurity? That she would never be enough for another woman? “How dare you!”
“How dare I? You’re the one who is insulting my integrity right now! You! The woman who fucks any other she pleases!”
Reina bore her teeth. “At least they’re women.”
Such a level of vitriol had never came from Reina’s mouth and to Aiko’s ear before. Never. She’s never made me this mad before. Reina’s heart clamored in her chest as it filled with adrenaline: stinging, intoxicating adrenaline. Aiko reoriented herself. “Don’t insult me. You know me better. I love you.”
It was almost enough. That soft, heated phrase was almost enough to placate Reina and cut through her insubordination. Almost. Almost wasn’t enough. “You sound just like them.”
“Like who?”
Voices of a hundred women Reina once dated and mated swarmed her head, each one confessing their undying love for her minutes before they latched themselves to the nearest penis they could find. “Like every other woman I dated before you.”
Aiko remained quiet, obstinate.
“Oh, God. It’s happening.” Reina searched for the banister again. “I’m losing you too!”
Aiko remained firmly in place. “No, you’re not. I’m right here. I won’t go anywhere. Please, Reina. Let’s talk this through.”
“I am, though! I should have expected this with all the baby talk! Now you’re going to leave me for a real man!” Was this what ultimate paranoia felt like?
“No. I would never. I’m a lesbian, Reina.”
Her body leaned in toward her wife’s, nails scraping the banister and tongue loose in her mouth. “That’s what they all said.”
As Reina launched herself from the staircase and into the genkan, she was blinded by the image of all the women she knew: beautiful, talented, creative women who all said they liked her and wanted to be with her. Until the opportunity for heterosexuality arrived. The Reina Aiko had met all those years ago was embittered with the idea of serious dating for this reason. Eventually, everyone left her for a man. Even Aiko would. She had been so stupid to pretend otherwise, overcome with the impractical emotion of love.
The fact that Aiko didn’t come after her as she tore into the street, fighting back her tears, only reaffirmed that backstabbing reality.
* * *
Time did not exist for Reina as she stormed down the streets, neither looking sideways nor over her shoulder. She didn’t look forward much, either, letting her brain make impulsive decisions over which way to turn whenever she came across an intersection. Her legs were the only part of her body capable of life: go, go, go, get as far away as possible…while Reina’s brain and emotions shut down, her legs led her escape from a past she did not wish to face. Not even the heat, pulsing beneath her jeans and T-shirt could stifle her desire to run away.
She had nowhere to go, but it did not matter. She could walk until the sun went down, and keep walking until it came up again. Her phone buzzed over and over again in her pocket. At first she ignored it, but then she turned it off and walked down an unfamiliar street.
Aiko. That name was poison in her head. Aiko had someone to run to for comfort. She had that man, whoever he was. Reina didn’t want to know. He might be one of the dozens of men passing by her on her march, and if it was him, she would have to stop and punch the fucker in the face. She lied to me. If a lie by omission were still a lie, then Aiko was the biggest liar that day. Reina didn’t say things others liked, but she didn’t lie. She never held things like that from her girlfriends. If she felt a desire, she expressed it. She didn’t like the idea of Aiko being with a man, but she would have appreciated the warning.
Reina had to stop at a light. Before then she had merely turned corners, zigging and zagging through neighborhoods, but now she was trapped by the evening foot traffic. As she stood shoulder to shoulder with half the other Tokyoites, Reina saw the back of the head of a woman who had the same hairstyle as Aiko. Only three nights ago Reina had run her fingers through that hair as they made love and slept.
Was she doing it with me while doing it with him? The light turned green, and Reina surged forward with the other pedestrians. She recalled the night Aiko didn’t want to do it because, supposedly, she had been with Yuri. What if she was lying? What if it had been a man? How long had this been going on? Reina bumped into another woman but was too preoccupied to apologize. The woman hissed something and went on her way.
The sun was setting.
In a city of high-rises, it may have been only early evening, but the skyscrapers on the horizon devoured the sun as it made its gentle descent. Shadows lingered. For a moment Reina panicked. Where was she? What would she do? She didn’t recognize anything. It was all the usual fast food restaurants, supermarkets, dry cleaners and department stores, but not in any arrangement that she knew. She found a sign pointing to the nearest subway station and followed until she came upon a neighborhood map.
Adachi Ward… Good God! Had she really walked all the way to the place she grew up? Adachi was the neighboring ward, but it was still a trek away on foot. Reina scoured the map for the landmarks and found she was only about ten minutes away from the neighborhoods of her youth. At least she wouldn’t be lost.
For the first time since setting off from home, Reina stopped and rested her legs on a bench. Muscles that hadn’t screamed before now whined about their abuse; her ankle twitched and groaned. The adrenaline powering her body before now left her to rot in pain and depression. What do I do? This wasn’t the first time she had stormed out of an argument with Aiko – but it was the first time she was gone for so long and walked so far. Normally she wandered back home, and they made up their differences once tensions cooled. Not this time. Reina couldn’t go back now. There’s nowhere to go.
She got up again and kept walking. In time she saw some old, memorable businesses and landmarks that once guided her when she was a teenager. When I felt then what I feel now. Bitter. Betrayed. A little bit heartbroken.
A lot heartbroken.
It was an unfamiliar sensation, being heartbroken. The only other woman to make Reina feel so rejected was Michiko, but they had been open about that…and there weren’t any men. The thought shot bile into Reina’s throat as she turned down a well-worn road.
What am I doing? She couldn’t go here. There was nothing for her here. Yet her feet kept going, and her heart kept breaking.
In the twenty years since she last lived there, the code to the gate lock on Reina’s old childhood home had not been changed.
“Who’s there?” The soft, harried squeak of an old woman rose on the other side of the door. It opened before Reina could insert the spare key still kept behind a flower pot. “Reina!”
She could only stand and stare at her mother, gaping at her as she wiped off her glasses. “Hi.” Reina croaked like a frog.
What happened next was nearly lost to Reina’s mind. Memories from her childho
od, from seeing the ghost of her father carry her around upside down in his arms, to hearing her younger mother shout about dinner, as well as the stench of old cigarette smoke, collided into her as if she were eight years old again, coming home from school after being made fun of for trying to kiss another little girl. All I wanted was to love women. All she wanted now was for Aiko to love and need her.
Reina sank to her knees in the genkan, weeping into her hands as her mother fretted about like a hen. “What is it? What happened?” Sachiko dithered around the edge of the genkan, until she found her footing to sit down and wrap her bony arms around her daughter. Reina instantly sought the comfort of her mother’s chest, hidden beneath layers of blouse and shawl. She smelled of roses.
Reina couldn’t speak. Her nostrils were full of mucus, her eyes full of tears, and her throat hiccupping the sounds of a woman who had lost everything. The last time Reina cried like this, it was Aiko’s arms she ran to. Now it was to the woman who once told Reina she would never amount to anything.
Still, she was her mother.
Although she had no maternal instincts of her own, Reina could still crumble like a baby and weep into her mother’s breasts. The gentle hair rubs, embraces, and coos coming from Sachiko’s petite frame could not solve Reina’s hurt, but it could alleviate it for now.
“My baby.” Tears fell from Sachiko’s eyes as well, her breath rattling with every intake. “Who hurt you? What made you finally come back home to me, but like this?”
Reina struggled to find her voice still locked away in the pit of her tightening stomach. “It’s over,” she said, the last sound overcome with a moan. “I’ve lost her.”
Sachiko said nothing. Whether she knew what – or who – her daughter was talking about did not matter. In the end, she was there for Reina, and over twenty years’ worth of estrangement was forgotten.
Aiko was too shocked by the turn of events to go after Reina when she stormed out. By the time she realized what had happened, Reina was out of sight and nowhere to be found.
What in the world? Had that really happened? Had Reina accused her of infidelity? With a man? Aiko slammed the door shut and returned to the air-conditioned haven of the living area. For ten minutes she attempted contact with Reina’s phone, until the line went dead and she was sent straight to voicemail.
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