by Kaylee Ryan
Making my way to the kitchen, I decide on a bowl of macaroni and cheese that was left after dinner last night. Popping it in the microwave, I stand and wait for it to beep. Adding some pepper, I grab a bottle of water and head for the couch. My phone sits on the coffee table where I left it. Even now, I want to check it to see if he sent a message. It’s barely been a minute since he’s been back in my life, and I’m already at the point where I look forward to hearing from him. As an act of rebellion against my heart, I leave the phone on its spot on the table and eat my heated-up bowl of mac and cheese.
With dinner done, I take my bowl to the kitchen and decide to go to bed. Retrieving my phone to plug it in, I’m making sure the door is locked when there is a light knock. Looking through the peephole, I see Grady. He looks exhausted. I take a breath before opening the door.
“Hey, beautiful.” He gives me a tired smile.
“Hi.” I realize we’re just standing here looking at each other. “How was your first day?” I step back so he can come in.
“Long.” He smiles. “I just… wanted to see you for a minute.”
“Have you eaten?” I try to ignore the fact that my first instinct is to make sure he’s taken care of. Regardless of the pain he put me through, he’s still a great guy.
“Yeah, I just picked something up from the drive-thru on my way home.”
“You wanna come in?” I ask since me stepping back wasn’t a big enough hint.
He looks around me; I assume looking for Tabby. “It’s just me. Tabby went to her parents’ for dinner.”
“Yeah.” He steps through the doorway and waits for me to shut it behind him. “You didn’t want to go?”
“Nah, I didn’t get home until late, and I have to be up early.” I take a seat on the couch, and he takes the spot right next to me.
Reaching over, he runs his thumb over my knuckles where my hand is resting on my leg. His eyes are locked on the motion. “I looked for you today,” he confesses. “All day I looked.” His eyes find mine. “After the anticipation, all day of possibly getting to see you, I just needed to lay my eyes on you.”
I can’t help but smile at him. “I did the same thing.”
“You know what I kept thinking?” He doesn’t wait for me to reply and just keeps talking. “If I wasn’t such a fool that night, I would more than likely be coming home to you. Instead of you living here with Tabby, you would be next door with me.”
My heart kicks up its rhythm at his confession. “It’s in the past, no use in dwelling over it.”
“Is it, Collins? Is it in the past? Because from where I stand, it’s not. Not until you’re in my arms where you’re supposed to be. I can’t forget a minute of that night. Not the way it felt to be with you or the pain I caused us both when I ran from everything you made me feel.” He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my wrist.
“I just don’t understand why now? After all these years, why now, Grady? I can’t stop wondering what changed your mind. Is it because you’re here now and you think that if someone finds out you’ll look bad? I just don’t get it,” I say, exasperated.
“I’m here now, not because I have to be, but because I choose to be. I could have gone anywhere for my residency, but I knew without a doubt in my mind coming home to you was my only option. Three years felt like a lifetime without you. I know it was one night, but it changed me. I worked my ass off in school. I was already enrolled there, and changing programs would have been a nightmare. I knew I had to stick it out, but before I even made it back to school, I knew I was coming back for you.”
“You understand why that’s hard for me to believe, right? You ignored me, Grady. I sent messages, left voice mails, begging you to call me back, to send a fucking carrier pigeon, something. Your silence was what I received.”
He nods. “I know. I handled it all wrong. I was so afraid that when I heard your voice, I would walk away from it all. From medical school, from my dream of becoming a doctor. I know my own strengths and weaknesses, Collins. You were a weakness. One that I knew would change the course of my life one way or the other.” He pauses, collecting his thoughts, and I don’t say a word, processing what he’s saying. He cradles my cheek in the palm of his hand. “I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that you’re what I want. What my heart wants.”
“Grady….” My voice trails off because I have no idea what to say to him. He keeps going, tearing down the wall I built around my heart brick by brick.
“The entire time I was in medical school all I could think about was working harder, so I could guarantee my choice of residency. I wanted to come home to you. I want to be the man that you can be proud to have stand by your side. I want to be able to provide for you and the family I hope that we one day have. Only you can cure this ache in my chest. You’re my remedy, baby.”
I feel the first tear fall, but don’t get a chance to wipe it away. Grady runs his thumb across my cheek. “Don’t cry. I can’t stand to see your tears.” Leaning in, he presses a soft kiss to my cheek.
I realize that I have to make a choice. I need to decide if I can forgive him and if I do, I also need to let the past go. I’ll never forget, but I can’t hold it over his head either. Who am I kidding? I want him. I’ve always wanted him. “I want that,” I confess. “I want everything you just said.”
His lips press against mine, soft yet firm. It’s just a quick kiss, but it affects me all the same. “You won’t regret it,” he whispers against my lips. “I’ll prove to you every damn day that I’m worth the risk. I’ll call Caleb and tell him. This is on me,” he rambles on.
“Grady,” I say, getting his attention, pulling away from him. “Can we just… take this slow? We don’t need to tell him or anyone for that matter.” There is so much between us we don’t need the added pressure of my brother and maybe even our families against us. “I want the chance to actually be with you, for more than a night.” I can feel a blush coating my cheeks at just the thought of being with him again. “Before they get their say.”
“That’s just it, Collins.” His eyes bore into mine. “They don’t get a say in this. No one does but you and me. I want you. I want this chance with you, and I couldn’t give a fuck less who doesn’t agree with it.”
“He’s your best friend, and our parents….”
“And you’re my girl,” he says softly. “Nothing is going to change that. I want this. I’m prepared for him to be mad or hell, even hate me. Would it suck? Yes, it would. Would it suck as bad as not having you? No.” He’s shaking his head. “Not even a little bit. As far as our parents, they love us and want us to be happy. Honestly, Collins, I don’t care if they’re upset. That makes me sound like a dick, but, baby, you’re all I want. It’s you and me, and if they aren’t on board, then so be it.”
“Just some time, Grady. Just to see if this is what you really want. It’s been three years, and what if we piss them off, and then this isn’t what you thought it would be?”
“What? The best thing that ever happened to me? I’m certain.” He leans in and gives me another chaste kiss. “However, if this is what you want, that’s what we’ll do. Whatever you want, but I want it known that I don’t want to hide you or hide us.”
“Just some time,” I say again. “Just so you’re certain.”
“I’m certain, Collins. I’ll prove it to you.” He shifts on the couch and pulls me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. “Damn,” he sighs. “It’s been too long since I’ve held you.”
I give in and return his hug. “Yeah,” I say softly.
“I assume it’s too much to ask you to come home with me so I can hold you all night?” he asks, hope in his voice.
“I don’t think we’re there yet.”
“I know.” He kisses my neck. “We’ll get there.” He yawns.
“You should go get some sleep. You go back tomorrow?”
“Yeah, every day this week, off Saturday work Sunday.”
“Geesh.”
>
“That’s life of a resident. I’ll be putting in crazy hours, but my time that I’m not there is yours.”
“We’ll figure it out.” I stand and hold my hand out for him. “You need sleep.” I lead him to the door. He surprises me when he gently pushes me against it, and his lips mold with mine. His tongue slides, explores my mouth, and I pull him closer, my hands clenching around his shirt. I let him set the pace.
“I’ll see you soon.” He kisses my forehead, and I step away, letting him open the door. “Lock up,” he says, and I nod. After shutting the door and clicking the lock into place, I watch him through the peephole until I can no longer see him. With a sigh, I grab my phone from the table, shut off the lights, and head to bed. I’m just about to sleep when my phone alerts me to a message.
Grady: Goodnight, my beautiful Collins.
Me: Goodnight, Grady.
Setting my phone back on the nightstand, I fall asleep with the taste of him on my lips and the feel of his arms wrapped around me.
Day two of residency, and I’m stoked. I fell asleep last night as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was exhausted but in a good way. When we lost my little brother, Jared, I knew this is what I wanted to do with my life. Being here, that means I’ve made it. If my little brother would have had a physician who listened when my mom and dad were telling them Jared’s symptoms, he might still be here. My parents assured me that the doctors did all they could, but I don’t see it that way. Sure, I was young. Regardless, it led me here. I hope my baby brother is up there watching.
Grabbing my white lab coat with Dr. Grady Carmichael embroidered on one side and Riley Hospital for Children on the other, I report to the residents’ lounge. While I am assigned to a rotation, there could be days that I’m sent to other areas of the hospital, depending on need. Walking into the lounge, there is an older gentleman there, one that I didn’t meet yesterday. He turns when he hears me enter the room and walks toward me, hand outstretched.
“Dr. Carmichael, good morning, I’m Dr. Larson,” he greets me.
“Nice to meet you, Dr. Larson.”
“I’m the head of the emergency department. I’m down two attendings today due to unforeseen circumstances. You’ll be on my rotation today.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I tell him. It just means that I get to experience another area of the hospital. I want to see it all, know my way around. I’m pretty sure I want to end up in private practice, but who knows, that might change while I’m here. That’s the glory of residency. You get to train in all areas and find the one that works the best for you.
I follow Dr. Larson as he exits the lounge. “So, which med school?” he asks as we enter the elevator.
“Duke.”
“Good school. What made you choose Riley?” he asks.
Collins. “It’s a great hospital and one of the top residency programs in this area. I was born and raised here. My parents still live here. It felt like the right choice.” All of that is true, but really, she was here, so there was no question as to where I would go. I busted my ass all through med school to ensure it.
“Here we are,” he says, stepping off the elevator. I follow along behind him to the nurses’ station. “This is Dr. Carmichael. He’ll be helping out today.”
I scan the faces before me and stop when I get to hers. Collins. I grin at her, not able to prevent it. She smiles back. “Nice to meet you,” I say, forcing my eyes away from hers to scan back over the rest of the nursing staff. A few of them give me looks, you know the ones that say, “take me.” It’s amazing to me what women do, how they act once they find out you’re a doctor. It’s like they drop their panties and open their legs just waiting for you to take them up on their offer. They want to “catch” a doctor, live the good life. It’s sad that they don’t have more respect for themselves than that.
Dr. Larson turns to face me. “I want you doing the non-emergency triage today. Sore throats, sprains, breaks, colds, things of that nature. I’ll take the heavier stuff. If you’ve got nothing else going on, you’re welcome to stand in with me. Although,” he looks around the room, “I don’t see that happening today.” He looks back at the nurses. “I need one of you with Dr. Carmichael today. He’ll need an assistant at all times since he’s never worked in our ER before.” I watch as they all offer or raise their hands to work with me. All of them except the one I really want. “Collins,” Dr. Larson calls her out. “He’s all yours.” With that, he turns and walks away.
A few of the nurses grumble, but the group disperses, leaving me with Collins. “Morning, beautiful,” I say softly, just loud enough for her to hear.
“Dr. Carmichael.” She grins.
“Is that how it’s going to be?” I ask her, amused.
“I’m not sure I know what you’re referring to,” she says coyly. “You have a patient in bed one.” She grabs the tablet from the counter and heads down the hall. I follow along behind her, wishing her scrubs were just a little more revealing. “Hello, Lucy, I’m Collins. I hear you have an earache,” she asks the little girl lying in the bed.
“It hurts real bad,” she says, trying to hold back her tears.
“We’re going to make it all better. Mom,” Collins says, “how long has Lucy been feeling bad?”
“She woke up early this morning screaming in pain. Her pediatrician just retired so we came here. She’s not real fond of doctors. Ours didn’t have the, uh, best bedside manner, but he was an excellent physician.”
“You did the right thing,” Collins assures her. “Lucy, I want you to meet someone. This”—she points over her shoulder at me—“is my friend Dr. Carmichael. He’s going to listen to your heart and lungs, then check out your ears. Can you be a brave girl for me and let him do that?” She gives a reluctant nod. Collins steps back, and I take her place next to the bed.
“Hi, Lucy,” I say, holding out my hand for her to shake. She gives me a toothy grin and shakes my hand. “You see this.” I take off my stethoscope and show it to her. “This right here is going to help me make you better. When I place this end over your chest and back, I can hear your heart and your lungs.”
“Really?” she asks, amazed.
“Really. You know what else?”
“What?”
I pull the otoscope from its place on the wall. “This funny-looking thing lets me see inside of your ear.” I hold it out for her to see. “Can you do me a favor? Can you be really strong for me while I listen and take a look? I want to make you all better.”
“Okay,” she says softly.
“First, let’s listen to your heart.” Placing the otoscope back on the wall, I stick my stethoscope in my ears, and place the chest piece against her chest. Lucy is still and quiet while I listen. “Wow,” I say, pulling away. “Your heart is so strong.”
She giggles.
“Now, can you lean forward for me? I need to listen to your lungs, make sure they’re nice and clear.” She leans forward, and I place the chest piece on her back. “Lucy, can you take a nice deep breath for me and then let it out?”
“Like this,” Collins demonstrates, and then together, they take a deep breath and slowly exhale. We repeat the process a few more times until I’ve completed that part of my exam.
“Lucy, give me five.” Collins holds up her hand and Lucy smacks it with her own. She’s loosening up.
“You are such a good patient,” I praise. “Now, it’s time to for me to look into your ears.”
“Can you see my brain?” she asks.
I smile, biting my lip to keep from laughing. “No, but I can see all the parts of your ear, which is what hurts, right?” She nods. “Can you tell me which one hurts worse?” She points to her right ear. “Well, let me take a look at the left one first.” I walk around the bed, and her mom steps back, letting me get close enough to look into her left ear. “All right, Lucy,” I say, pulling back. “This one is red and looks irritated.” I walk back around the bed and take a look at the right ear. “We have a wi
nner,” I tell her. “Your right ear is infected.” I place the otoscope back on the wall. “Thank you for being such a good patient.”
“You’re welcome. Can you make it better?” she asks sweetly.
“Definitely,” I assure her. “Mom.” I look up at her mom. “That right ear looks pretty rough. I’m going to start her on a round of antibiotics. Any medication allergies?”
“None that we’re aware of.”
“Great. I’m going to give you a prescription for eardrops as well. They’ll help with the pain. Nurse Ward,” I address Collins. “Can you go ahead and give her some drops here to help with the pain? I see she had Tylenol two hours ago, so she can’t have more just yet.”
“Thank you, Dr. Carmichael,” Lucy’s mom says.
“You’re welcome. We have your pharmacy on file, so I’ll send these over, and we’ll get you ladies out of here.”
“Thank you,” Lucy says loudly as I walk out of the room.
“Give me just a few minutes,” Collins says, and then she’s standing next to me. “You need some help with the prescription software.”
“Yes.” We make our way to the nurses’ station, and I watch her as she sends the prescriptions to the pharmacy electronically.
“Dr. Carmichael, if you need anything today, let me know,” a busty blonde nurse says to me.
“Thanks, but Dr. Larson assigned Collins to me. We should be good.”
“Well, the offer stands,” she says huskily, and it’s obvious to all of us what she’s offering.
“I think I can handle it,” Collins tells her.
Blondie shrugs, winks at me, then walks off down the hall.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m not one to be involved in drama. In fact, I steer clear of it. However, since Grady has been back in my life, I feel like I’m in the middle of a sitcom. I know that part of that is my fault. I’m the one who insists we keep whatever we had and whatever we have now a secret. However, as I stand here beside him, my arms at my sides, hands balled into tight fists, I know the drama is all on me. Well, me and Darcy. I’ve never had an issue with her. She’s a good nurse, she pulls her weight, and up until a few seconds ago, I considered her to be in the ‘coworkers I like’ column.