by Kaylee Ryan
“She knows.” I take another sip of my beer, my eyes finding Collins over the bottle.
“Come on, man, I need a name.” Caleb tries again to find out more information.
“Nope. I love her enough to respect her wishes.”
“Tell me this,” Caleb starts. “Do we know her?”
“Yes.” No hesitation. I feel bad enough that I’m lying to him, the least amount of lies we put out there the better.
“Damn, I need to start paying better attention.” He laughs.
“Are you done with the inquisition? We have a desk to finish.” I walk to the trash can and toss my now empty bottle of beer.
“Yeah, let’s do this.”
“I thought we could go out for dinner after this, you guys game?” Emily asks.
I look over at Collins. “It’s your call.”
“Sure.” She smiles brightly.
I try not to show my disappointment. I love my best friend and his future wife, but damn if I’m not ready to go home and spend some time with my girlfriend. Not to mention, we need to have a little chat about her title in my life.
“Great, now get to work, chop, chop. We’re hungry.” Emily waves us off.
Caleb kisses her quickly, just a peck, and turns back to the bedroom. It takes extreme control to not do the same with Collins. Instead, I avoid eye contact and follow him down the hall. The sooner the desk is together, and dinner is over, the sooner I get her back in my arms.
“Let’s do this,” I say, grabbing a side panel and getting to work.
“Finally,” Emily says dramatically. The smile on her face tells me she’s just being silly. “We were ready to starve to death,” she tells the guys as they enter the kitchen an hour later.
“Hush, woman.” Caleb leans in and taps his cheek. She obliges him, giving him a loud smacking kiss. “You ladies are ready I take it?”
We both stand. I’m starving considering I didn’t eat much of my lunch with Grady. Not with the “I love you” bomb he dropped on me.
“I’ll drive,” Emily says.
With a nod, we follow her out to her Ford Fusion. Caleb slips into the passenger seat, while Emily slides behind the wheel. Grady and I take our seats in the back, and his legs are so long that he’s invading a little of my legroom. Caleb messes with the radio, chattering to Emily about a band that’s coming to town this winter.
When I feel his pinky link with mine, I fight the urge to react. Instead, I sit still. I don’t look over at him. I don’t smile, keeping my reaction neutral, when inside I’m anything but. Luckily, our legs are hiding our hands.
It’s our little secret.
Part of me wants to just tell my brother and our families, to get it over with. Let the cards fall where they may. The other part of me likes having him all to myself. Although, that little “I have a girlfriend” confession earlier was a close call. We’ll need to talk about it later.
“I was thinking pizza,” Emily says, glancing up in the rearview mirror.
“Babe, you’re going to turn into a pizza,” Caleb teases her.
“Hey! I happen to love it, and you love me, so deal.”
“Can I just say, I love that you are not obsessed with weight and the dress,” he tells her.
“You’ve seen me at my worst. It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives. Why ruin it with worry about five pounds? I want to enjoy my life with you.”
“And that is why I love you so much.” Caleb leans over the console and kisses her neck.
Grady slightly nudges my knee with his. I’m not sure if he’s trying to get me to look at him or not, but it’s not happening. It’s daylight, and the risk of this pinky holding thing we’re doing is bad enough. I know I can’t look at him right now, being this close, and not being able to show how I feel for him. So, instead, I keep my focus straight ahead.
We pull into Mama’s, which is a small family-owned pizza joint that has been around as long as I can remember. I take my time getting out of the car. Grady falls in step beside me, but I still won’t look at him. When we reach the door, his palm settles on the small of my back as he guides me inside. Caleb and Emily are in front of us, so they are none the wiser.
“Do you know how bad I want to kiss my girlfriend right now?” he says, his lips close to my ear.
I ignore him, but my body does not as goose bumps break out across my skin. Fighting the pull he has on me, I slide into the booth that Emily has picked out for us. “It’s been forever since I’ve been here,” I say, grabbing a menu. Grady slides in beside me. He keeps his hands under the table, one hand landing on my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. I fail miserably at not paying attention to him as I turn toward him and smile.
“What are you having?” Emily asks, wearing a knowing grin.
Damn it! Busted. I turn back to the menu in my hand and study it. “I don’t know yet. Are we all sharing or what?” I ask, not taking my eyes off my menu.
“We getting a Calzone, wings, and breadsticks?” Caleb asks Emily.
“We are so predictable.” She laughs.
“Split a Hawaiian and breadsticks?” Grady asks me.
I pretend to not be surprised that he knows my favorite pizza. He must have been paying attention all those years. “Sure. I actually need to use the restroom. Can you let me out?”
He nods, releases his hold on my knee, and slides out of the booth. “What do you want to drink? Sweet tea?”
“Yes, please. I’ll be right back.” As if my ass is on fire, I scurry away to the restroom. I just need a minute to breathe. I suck at lying, and all of us hanging out is bound to be trouble.
“Care to tell me why you’re hiding in here?” Emily asks. She’s standing just inside the bathroom door, arms crossed over her chest, a grin on her lips. I have no idea how long she’s been standing there.
Turning on the water, I begin to wash my hands. “I’m not hiding.”
“Uh-huh. I’ve been standing here watching you, and you didn’t even hear me come in.”
“Just tired, I guess. It’s been a long week.”
“You can tell me, Collins.”
If only. “Really, I’m good.” My phone vibrates in my back pocket. Quickly, I dry my hands and retrieve it.
Grady: You okay?
Me: Fine. Be back in a second.
Grady: We can just tell them.
Me: No. It’s fine, really. Just needed a minute.
Grady: Okay.
“I saw the way you looked at him. Does he know?” Emily says, pulling me away from my phone.
“What? Does who know? How I looked at who?” I play dumb.
“Grady. Does he know you’re into him?”
Oh, he knows all right. “I’m not. I mean, he’s easy on the eyes, but there’s nothing there.” I feel like a total bitch for lying, but I can’t come clean, not like this, in the bathroom with my future sister-in-law. We need a little more time. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
“That he is. I say go for it.”
“What? You do realize he’s Caleb’s best friend, right?”
“So? He’s a great guy.”
“He is,” I admit.
“So?” she prompts.
“Can we just go back to the table and eat? Table this for another day?” I wave around the bathroom. “Different location maybe?”
She throws her head back and laughs. “Yeah, we can do that. But for what it’s worth, I say go for it. You only live once.” She turns and walks out the door, and I follow along behind her.
The guys spot us immediately and stand to let us slide back into our seats. Grady slides a small plate in front of me and places a breadstick on it. He proceeds to add some sauce before going back to eating his food. I’ve seen my dad and even Caleb do this more times than I can count, but with their wife or girlfriend, now fiancée. Chancing a glance at my brother, he doesn’t seem to notice, and he and Em talk about I don’t know what. I relax into my seat and dive into my breadstick.<
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“So, Grady, how’s residency?” Emily asks.
“Good. Exhausting and exciting all at the same time. It’s nice to finally be able to put all those years of college to use.”
“Do you guys work on the same floor?” Caleb asks.
“I’m a floater, so I’m always bouncing around the hospital,” I explain.
“Yeah, we’ve not crossed paths yet, but I will be working in all areas of the hospital over the next three years as well, so we’re bound to work together at some point.”
“I don’t know how you do it, either of you. Needles and blood and all that.” Caleb shivers as if the thought alone is just too horrifying to think about.
“Meh, you get used to it,” Grady and I say at the exact same time. He turns to look at me, a smile lighting up his handsome face. I want to lean in and kiss him. The urge is strong, but I hold out.
“Jinx,” he says, his voice low and way too husky for what the situation would call for. Then again, we’re not normal.
“How about you?” I divert the conversation to my brother. “You ready for this big-time lawyer job you’ve accepted? It’s still hard for me to believe that my goofball big brother is an attorney.”
“Yeah, well it’s hard for me to believe sometimes, too.” Caleb laughs. “And my best friend is a fucking doctor. Who would have thought?”
I don’t answer him… but me… I knew Grady would do it. He’s always talked about being a doctor and saving families from going through what they did when they lost his younger brother. Then again, I hung on every word he ever said. If I’m honest, part of the reason I want to keep this between us is from fear that we’re both searching for something that should be left in the past. I’ve always loved him, but is that real adult love? Is it my childhood crush that I’ve harbored for years playing out? Do we have staying power? And Grady, is it that he feels guilty now that he’s home? Is he doing this to save face with my brother and our families? It doesn’t feel that way, but am I ignoring it because he’s the only man I’ve ever wanted? I need to work all this shit out in my head before we add more drama to the mix.
He leans in and whispers in my ear, “You okay?” pulling me out of my thoughts.
Looking across the booth, I see Caleb is gone and Emily is on the phone not paying any attention to us. “Yeah, just thinking.”
“Don’t,” he says. “Don’t think about this, about us when I can’t hold you.”
That makes me smile. “Where’s Caleb?”
“Here,” my brother says, causing me to jump. “Paid the bill, you ready?”
Grady argues with him about the bill, but not me. If my lawyer brother wants to buy me dinner, who am I to refuse? Emily ends her call, all smiles. I assume from the bits and pieces that I heard it was one of her sisters about the wedding. We pile back into Emily’s car and head home. When we get back to their apartment, I claim to be exhausted and ask Grady if he’s ready to go. He pulls his keys from his pocket and hands them to me.
“You had one beer,” I tell him.
“Not taking that chance wi—not taking the chance, Collins.”
I nod, taking the keys. “Thank you for dinner.” I give my brother a hug. “Em, the wedding is going to be beautiful. I’m so excited for the two of you.”
“Be safe,” Caleb says, waving as we climb into Grady’s SUV. I adjust the seat from his long-ass legs, the mirrors, and pull out of the lot. As soon as the apartment complex is in the distance, Grady reaches over and places his hand on my thigh.
“You ready to have that talk?” he asks.
At the stop sign, I glance over at him. His head is resting back against the headrest, and he’s watching me, a soft expression I can’t quite read on his handsome face. “Eager?” I chuckle.
“I am. I’m eager to hear you tell me that you’re my girlfriend. I mean, I told your family, my best friend, surely that makes it official.”
“What was that by the way?”
“I’m trying to limit the lies we tell, or I tell. Besides, when he finds out it’s you, he’ll remember this. He’ll remember that I told him that I love you. Hell if I know if that will make it better, but it can’t hurt, right?”
I don’t reply right away. I pull into the parking lot of our complex and turn off the engine. “I guess so,” I finally say.
“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” He reaches over and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
“You just laid it all out on the table, and what happens when you change your mind? What happens then, Grady?”
Reaching over, he grabs the keys out of the ignition and climbs out of the SUV. My heart starts to race, and I prepare myself for the worst. I should have kept my big mouth shut so I could have enjoyed this time with him a little longer. I watch him as he stalks around the front of the car and pulls open my door. He offers me his hand and helps me climb out. My feet hit the ground and I step toward him, allowing him to close the door. As soon as the door is closed, he bends and places his hands on the back of my thighs, lifting me in the air. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around his waist. He steps forward until my back hits his SUV. When his lips take mine, controlling, demanding, I don’t hesitate to open for him.
He grinds into me, and there is no preventing the moan that slips from deep in my throat. His tongue explores every inch of my mouth, and I love it. All of it.
I love him.
When we both need air, he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine. “I won’t be changing my mind, Collins. This is real.” He grinds his hardness against my center one more time as if I need proof. “What I feel for you is real. No amount of time away from you was able to stop what happened that night. You captured me, all of me. My body, my heart, and my mind. It’s all yours. In fact, I wish he would drive by right now so he could see us. I want it out there that you are my girlfriend, that I love you more than anything else in this world, and that we are building a life together. Tell me that’s what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, I want that. All of it. I’ve wanted that, you for so long. Even after you left without a word, I wanted you. I tried to pretend that I didn’t, but it was only ever you.”
A car drives by and blows the horn, causing him to laugh. “Let’s get you inside.” Slowly, he slides me down his body, so that I’m sure to feel once more the effect that I have on him. He leads me upstairs and straight to his place. We don’t stop until we’re in his bedroom, lying on the big fluffy cloud of a bed facing each other, arms and legs intertwined. “Tell me you’re my girlfriend. I know it’s insignificant to what you are to me, to how I feel about you. You are so much fucking more than that to me, Collins, but I know we need to start slow and I need to hear you say it.”
“I’m yours.”
“Not good enough, baby.” He slips his hand under my shirt, his hand working its way to my breast, over my bra. “Tell me.”
“I’m your girlfriend.”
His thumb grazes my nipple through my lace bra. “Yes, you are. Tell me you know you’re so much more than that. That when I tell you this is real, you believe it. I know I left you, but I promise you with everything that I am that is never going to happen again. Not ever.”
“I hear you, and the look in your eyes tells me I can believe you. My heart believes you.”
“Yeah?” he asks softly. His thumb continues to trace over my nipple. “What do we need to do to get your head there, too?”
“Time.”
“Okay. You keep going back to that, and I promised to give you some time, but, baby, don’t fight me, okay. Let this happen. Let this current that ignites between us help get your head and your heart on the same page.”
“Okay.” The word is a whisper against his lips as he leans in for a kiss. His hands caress my body, and his kisses fuel my desire, making me crazy with wanting him. He never takes it further, and no matter how badly I wish that he would, I don’t either. I settle
for making out like teenagers.
I have no idea how much time has passed. The sun has since fully set, and the apartment is dark and quiet, nothing but the sounds of our kisses and beating hearts to fill the room. “Stay,” he whispers. “I need to hold you again.”
“I really should go.”
“You should stay here wrapped in my arms all night. Where you belong,” he counters.
How do you argue with that? “Okay.” That’s all he needs to hear before his lips are back on mine. We kiss for hours, explore each other’s bodies without really doing anything more than heavy petting. When we fall asleep, as he promised, he holds me tightly against him. No matter where this goes, this night will forever be one I will never forget.
Today is Wednesday, the Fourth of July, and I’m off. I had hoped that I would be asked to pick up, but it didn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to spend time with Collins and our families, but it’s going to be hard. No, scratch that, it’s going to all but kill me to pretend she’s not the reason my world turns around. It’s been almost two weeks since the night I convinced her to be my girlfriend, and things have just gotten better from there. Most nights, I get home after she does, and my girl always has dinner ready for me. I don’t expect it, but damn if it’s not nice to come home to her and a homecooked meal. Not to mention that she spends more nights in my bed than not. In fact, there have been a total of three nights since that night that she’s been at her place instead of mine. I remember all three of them vividly as I slept like shit.
I never would have dreamed that having her next to me, in my arms, would lead to the best sleep I’ve ever had in my entire life. It is. Without a doubt. We’ve talked a lot. We’re getting closer, and each day I feel as though she’s letting go of the past. Not that I expect her to do that. Not completely anyway. It will always be there as a part of our history, but moving forward, we’re not the same people. I’m not the same scared guy starting medical school. I’m the man who busted his ass for three years to be good enough for her. I’m the man who lived those three years without her. After just one night, I knew there would be no one else. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was it for me.