by Marta Perry
“Maybe. Maybe not. I wish Miriam were home again,” Lydia said, pausing in processing apples through the food mill. “It seems like forever since all three of us were together.”
Beth nodded, picturing the youngest of the three cousins. Miriam’s lively nature added spice to the time the three of them spent together.
“Soon, I hope,” she said. “Her mamm mentioned that as soon as the last of the kinder got well, she’ll head for home.”
“We’d better wish none of those kinder catches another cold, or she’ll be stuck there forever,” Lydia grumbled.
Beth, knowing a bit more about the trials of having a sick youngster in the house, just shrugged. Lydia would learn when she had young ones of her own.
“Did I tell you who I saw in the store this week?” she asked, deciding to change the subject. “Aaron King came in with his bride.” The King brothers were distant cousins, and everyone had been so pleased when Aaron came back where he belonged after too long in the Englisch world.
“How did they look?” Lydia gave her a mischievous look. “What do you think? Is Sally expecting yet?”
“What would your mother think?” she scolded. “An unmarried girl like you speculating on whether someone is pregnant?”
Lydia chuckled. “She’d think it was a sign I should be getting married myself. Come on, tell me.”
“Don’t you dare say I told you, but I think so. She has that glow a woman gets. And with her sister-in-law expecting soon, too, they’ll have a happy time.”
“A busy time, anyway.” Lydia began filling jars with the still-warm sauce. She glanced at Beth. “Are you longing to be back washing diapers and getting up in the night?”
Beth shrugged. “No point in thinking about it, is there? That part of life is over for me.” The words sent a sharp pain to her heart. She tried not to think of it, but she did long for more babies. Grieving for James meant grieving for those babies who wouldn’t be born.
“Nonsense,” Lydia said sharply. “I suppose it’s too soon now, but one day you’ll marry again. It’s the natural thing to do. Benjy needs a father, and you deserve to have a family to love.”
She was shaking her head before Lydia finished speaking. “I can’t. You of all people should realize that. How could I trust someone enough to marry again?”
“Ach, Beth, don’t say that.” Lydia left the applesauce to put her arm around Beth’s waist in a quick hug. “James was the way he was, but every man isn’t like that. There are plenty of gut, reliable men around. Daniel, for instance.”
Beth pulled free of the hug. “Don’t, Lydia. Daniel is a friend, but I couldn’t feel that way about him.”
Lydia didn’t say anything for a moment, but Beth could feel Lydia’s gaze on her, studying her. She seemed to be making up her mind what to say, but Beth knew better than to think she’d given up.
“I don’t see why,” she said finally. “Daniel has been your friend since childhood, and now he’s your partner. Working together in the store, it’s natural that you should grow even closer. Benjy likes him, doesn’t he?”
She thought about Benjy’s intent gaze following everything Daniel did when they worked together on some project around the store.
“Daniel’s good with him,” she admitted. “Benjy does like him, but that’s not enough for marriage.”
“You don’t want Benjy to be an only child, like James was, do you?”
That stung, but she knew Lydia didn’t mean to be unkind. “James’s mother spoiled him, I suppose. But I won’t do that.” She wouldn’t, would she? What if she was a little too protective at times? That was better than letting Benjy get hurt.
“Yah, she did. And other people did, too, I’m thinking.” Lydia didn’t seem inclined to give up on the subject. “Just because he could be such a charmer...” She hesitated, and then went on. “Well, I’m just saying that it would be gut for Benjy if you remarried. Give him another man to look up to. And you couldn’t find a better man than Daniel, I’d say.”
“Well, you’ve said it, but you don’t have to keep repeating it.” If that sounded tart, Beth couldn’t help it.
“All right, I’ll let it go for now,” Lydia said. “But at least Daniel has helped you get out and do things. Look how pleased you were just at seeing Aaron and Sally. Being Daniel’s partner is good for you.”
Beth raised her eyebrows. “I thought you were letting it go,” she reminded her. “I grant you everything you’ve said about Daniel. He’s a fine, trustworthy man, but I’m still thinking I don’t want to marry again.”
Lydia began to protest, but Beth raised a hand to stop her. “If I change my mind about that, you’ll be the first to know. In the meantime, just leave it, Lydia. Please.”
“Sorry.” Lydia grimaced. “I guess I got carried away. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know.” Beth’s voice gentled. Lydia wanted what was best for her, but she didn’t even know herself what that best was.
Daniel was the best of partners, and as Lydia pointed out, he was a good friend. He might not be exciting and charming like James was, but he was reliable and steadfast. She was blessed to have him in her life, but that didn’t mean either of them were thinking about marriage.
And as for her instinct to confide in him...well, that didn’t mean anything more serious, did it?
Chapter Eight
The rest of the week passed peacefully enough, with Benjy getting used to staying with Janie several days. He also went to James’s mother for one morning and confided that it wasn’t as much fun as staying with Janie.
Beth talked to him about the importance of appreciating what people did for him, although she couldn’t help understanding. His grandmother loved him very much, but since she lived in a small house in town, there wasn’t much for a little boy to do there.
The extra time allowed Beth to finish her decorations of the store windows without having Benjy want to climb into the windows, too. Now, standing back and looking at the finished product, she felt a sense of satisfaction, as well as feeling more a part of the business than she ever had.
“Beth...”
She turned to find Anna standing behind her, looking as hesitant as she always did. Beth’s heart went out to her.
“Yah, Anna. Do you want me for something?”
“Nothing... I mean, I thought you could double-check yesterday’s receipts for me before you go.”
“For sure, though I think you’re better at addition and subtraction than I am, ain’t so?”
She accompanied Anna back to the counter, wondering a little that Anna had consulted her rather than Daniel. The receipts were always checked by two people, but this was the first time Anna had asked her. Was it a sign that she was getting used to Beth?
She couldn’t help thinking that it would be good for Anna to have another woman to talk with, though she didn’t suppose she could give any very useful advice.
Together they bent over the page. “We got so busy just before closing that I was in a rush.” Anna gave her an apologetic glance.
“It’s all right. We know it’s important that you get home on time or your father will worry.” Though worry probably wasn’t the right word.
“Denke,” Anna murmured. “I... I don’t want to disappoint Daniel. He and...and James were so kind to me.”
Poor child, she didn’t seem to have much kindness in her life. Still, just the fact that she was working in the store made it more likely she’d find someone to love. Preferably a young man strong enough to stand up to her father, she amended.
“You’re a big help,” she said. “James often said what a gut worker you are.” That was stretching the truth a bit, but she felt sure he’d said it at least once or twice.
“He did?” Her face lit. “Denke.”
As Anna turned quickly back to the accounts, Beth decided th
at was all the progress she’d be able to make today. Still, it was good to get that far with someone as shy as Anna.
“There, absolutely right,” she said a few minutes later. She glanced at the clock. “I had best get those few groceries I wanted and be off home before it starts to rain.” The clouds had been darkening for the past hour.
Anna hurried to pick up the bags she’d left behind the counter, and Beth took them in her arms. Her pantry was well stocked, but there was always something she needed, even so.
Daniel hadn’t come back from deliveries yet, but she was comfortable leaving Anna in charge. If the threatening rain came, business would be quiet, anyway.
She made her way out the back door, only to find that the rain had arrived. She stood for a moment, debating. She wouldn’t melt if she got a little wet, but the groceries might not fare so well.
Just as she decided to leave them until tomorrow, Daniel’s buggy came around the store. He pulled up by the steps.
“You need a ride home, ain’t so? Let me take those.” He jumped down and relieved her of the grocery bags.
A surge of pleasure went through her at the sight of his smile and the sound of his voice. Because she didn’t want to walk in the rain, she assured herself.
“It’s been looking like it’ll rain all day, and if I’d left a few minutes earlier, I’d have missed it.”
“Or you’d have been halfway home and gotten soaked.” Daniel extended a strong hand to help her up to the seat, and she smiled her thanks.
“Well, you were right on time to save me,” she said lightly. “You finished the deliveries?”
“Yah, all done. Joshua Miller is sinking, so his daughter said. I passed the bishop going in as I came out.”
“Ach, I’m so sorry for her. She’ll miss him.” It wouldn’t be appropriate to feel sorry for Joshua. He’d had a long life, and when the Lord took him, it would be a relief from pain and a joy to him.
Daniel nodded. “Emma will miss him, despite the difficult time she’s had taking care of him. Death wipes out the trouble folks have caused, I guess.”
She couldn’t help wincing. “Not always.”
He swung to face her, drawing up the horse. “Ach, Beth, I’m sorry. That was thoughtless. But no matter what James might have done or what I suspected—”
Daniel came to an abrupt stop, and she saw the guilt wash over his face. Saw it and in an instant feared she knew what had caused it.
“What do you mean? Suspected what? You know, don’t you? James was carrying on with someone, and you knew.”
“No, no, I didn’t.” He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away.
“Don’t tell me lies.” Anger carried her on so strong a wind that she couldn’t think straight. “Tell me. What do you know? Who was the woman?”
“Beth, stop. It’s not like that. I don’t know anything, not for sure. I just thought that there was something...” He shook his head, as if angry at himself. “Look, it wondered me. Sometimes he left early—drove off without telling me where he was going.”
The anger faded slowly, and she tried to hang on to it. It was better to be angry than to let the pain have free rein. She’d known, hadn’t she? The note had told her so. But Daniel...
“You lied to me.” The anger surged back. “I trusted you. I believed you when you said it was just James’s way to chat with all the women.”
“I didn’t lie. I didn’t really know anything. I might have suspected, but I couldn’t condemn a friend based only on suspicion.”
“I thought I was your friend.” She threw the words at him and swung around. All she could think was to get out of the buggy, to walk away and never have to look at Daniel again.
He grabbed her wrist, holding it firmly. “What are you doing? You can’t get out in the rain.”
“I’d rather get soaked than talk to you any longer.”
His face paled, but he picked up the lines with his left hand and set the horse moving. “I won’t say anything. You’ll be home in an instant.”
It would take an undignified tussle to get out here. She closed her hands over the edge of the seat, staring straight ahead. If he said another thing...
But Daniel was true to his word this time. He stopped the buggy at her porch. She jumped down before he could move to help her, snatched her bags and fled into the house.
* * *
Somehow Daniel managed to keep his face normal during the afternoon, although he saw Anna give him a wondering look a time or two. Timothy noticed nothing, of course. He was as oblivious of other people’s feelings as most teenage boys, but at the moment, Daniel was just as glad. At least Anna wouldn’t say anything, no matter how much she might wonder.
He might be able to hide his feelings from other people, but not from himself. How could he have been so careless? He should have known that Beth was too sharp and knew him too well to let any slip get by her. He’d doomed any chance he might have had with Beth, and he’d put the future of the store in jeopardy. That didn’t mean anywhere near as much as the fact that he’d hurt Beth and let her down.
The ironic part of it was that he still didn’t know anything for sure about James. Had he been involved with another woman? He wanted to reject that idea—wanted to be ashamed that he even suspected it. But he couldn’t. Maybe he knew, in some deep, unacknowledged part of his soul, that James could have done it. Whether he did or not...
Now that he thought back over what he’d said and what Beth had said, he started to wonder. How had Beth jumped to the conclusion so quickly? Surely that foolish comment by the trucker hadn’t been enough to make her think that.
It didn’t really matter how it had all happened. He had to do something. He had to talk to Beth, to beg her forgiveness and to pray she had it in her heart to forgive. No matter what she said to him, he deserved it.
He stayed on at the store after closing, busying himself with one chore after another. There was no sense in trying to have a conversation with Beth until she’d put Benjy to bed.
Finally it seemed late enough to make that likely. The gentle glow of autumn was fading into dusk as he walked quickly down the lane. He tried to form an opening sentence in his mind, but everything he thought of seemed too feeble to convince anyone.
It wasn’t until Daniel neared the house that it occurred to him that Beth might have visitors. He couldn’t say any of the things he needed to say with others there. Beth might not let him say them if she were alone, either. Practically the last words she’d spoken to him commanded him not to speak to her.
His effort to come up with a good opening line was unsuccessful, but at least there was no sign of anyone else as he approached the kitchen door. He hesitated a moment, breathed a silent prayer and knocked.
From beyond the door came the sound of footsteps. He saw the knob start to turn and then stop.
“Who is it?” Beth was either being cautious or else she suspected it was he.
“Beth, please let me in. I must speak with you. You have to hear my explanation.”
“No. I don’t.” The words were implacable, but he didn’t hear her move away, and that gave him a whisper of hope.
“No, you don’t have to,” he agreed. Demanding wasn’t the way to do this. “But I’m praying you’ll let me say how wrong I was and how sorry I am.”
Nothing but silence came from the other side of the door. The cold of despair settled into him. She would never forgive him.
The knob rattled. Slowly the door opened. Beth stood in the opening, her face pale and rigid. Then she stepped back wordlessly to let him in.
The house was silent. Benjy must be in bed, or he’d come rushing to see who was there.
Beth closed the door and folded her arms as if she were cold. “A few minutes. That’s all.”
He nodded. “Please, try to believe I was trying to do my best
for you and Benjy.” Seeing a retort forming in her expression, he hurried on. “I didn’t know. I still don’t know, not for sure. I’d started to be suspicious, that’s all. I didn’t want to believe it.”
She didn’t speak, but she gave a slight nod, and he felt encouraged. She must know what that was like. How did you believe that a person you cared deeply about could commit such a wrong?
She still didn’t speak, and he knew he’d have to explain more fully.
“James...well, James always had a way with him. All the women liked him. Not just young women, but little girls and old women, too. I was used to it. I never suspected...”
He let that trail off. Maybe if he’d noticed, if he’d taken it more seriously, he could have headed it off before James did something wrong.
“Maybe a month or two before his accident, I noticed he started leaving earlier. Or he’d come in to do inventory in the evening and make an excuse to leave after an hour.”
Now for the hardest part. “It wondered me. I didn’t want to think it. It was like a betrayal of my friend. But finally I couldn’t hold it back. I had to speak. I told him my suspicions.”
Beth didn’t move, but her fingers dug into her arms hard enough to leave marks. He thought she was trying to shield herself from what she feared was coming.
“At first he tried to laugh it off.”
Beth finally moved, maybe wanting to postpone the inevitable. She took a few steps and grasped the back of a kitchen chair.
“That last night...” His throat tightened, and the words came out hoarsely. “I tried again. I let him know I didn’t believe him. He got angry. He stamped out. A few hours later I heard about the accident.”
Beth sagged as if her bones had turned to water. Galvanized, he caught her before she could fall and lowered her into the chair. Why hadn’t he realized...he shouldn’t have told her that way. But she wouldn’t settle for anything else.
He bent over her. “Just sit here. I’ll get you water.” Not waiting for a response, he grabbed a glass and splashed water into it, sloshing some onto the floor as he took it to her.