by Keeshia K
Fuck!
“What she want this early in the morning?” I asked myself. “Hello.” I said, hoping it wasn’t bad news.
“Hey, baby...You…you on your way to work?” She asked. Something sounded like it was wrong. “I hate to be bothering you.”
“Hey, ma, yeah, I’m headed there now but you good?” I asked hearing the distress in her voice. She didn’t sound like herself.
“Yes, uh, that’s good. Listen, baby, I’m very proud of you, Bronco. You have really grown into a strong and good man. And I pray that you stay that way too.” She said ignoring my question and sounding like she was on the verge of crying.
“Ma…what’s up? You never call me this early and you don’t sound all that good. Do you need something?” I asked her concerned. “Whatever it is I can call off and help you out.”
“No, son. I don’t need anything. Like I said you were on my mind and I wanted you to know it. I also wanted to say that I love you very much, baby. Never doubt that, ok?” She asked.
“Aight, ma.”
“I gotta go, I’ll see you soon.” She said and blew a kiss before she ended the call. Something was definitely off. I looked at my phone screen at the time. I didn’t have that long before I had to be at work, but by the sound of my mother’s voice I needed to go check on her.
So instead of going in I bucked a U in the middle of the block and headed to her house.
****
It was creepily quiet as I walked up to my parent’s front door. I didn’t see my dad’s car in the driveway, so I figured he must have already left out for work. That was fine because I didn’t feel like seeing his face anyway.
I rung the doorbell first to make sure I didn’t surprise her when I came in. But when she didn’t answer I grabbed the spare key from under the mat and went inside.
“Ma,” I called out to her as I walked through the dining room. I checked the mail to see if anything came for me. I still received mail there from time to time.
“Ma, where are you?” I yelled walking into the kitchen where my mother usually had breakfast cooked. There was nothing on the stove, which shocked me.
I jogged up the steps with an uneasy feeling in my gut. When I got to my mother’s room I almost fell back down the stairs. I was right. There my mother was, in the bathtub with her wrists slashed. I ran into the bathroom and tried to stop the bleeding by squeezing her arms.
“Ma, why, why would you do this?!” I yelled. “Help! Help! Somebody fucking help me!” The more I squeezed the more blood oozed out and it was obvious that it was too late.
She was gone.
****
The coroner just left with my mother’s body. I was still sitting in the bathroom on the floor where my mom’s blood still dripped down the side of the tub.
She left a note. It was the hardest thing in the world to read but I needed to know why. In the letter she said that she couldn’t take the verbal and emotional abuse from my father anymore, but that she loves me very much. She said I was the only bright spot in her life and she would miss me.
All my life I looked away when my pops said or did shit to make my moms feel small. Now, I wished I hadn’t. If I had done more and even stuck up for her maybe she would still be alive.
Hurt, I pulled myself up off the floor. But before leaving out the bathroom, I looked over at the tub that no longer held my mother’s corpse.
I began to feel a burning sensation take over my whole body. I was heated thinking about how fucked up my pops had been to my moms and it had me wanting to kill that nigga.
Enraged, I ran out the bathroom and bolted down the stairs. When I saw my pops sitting on the arm of the couch crying I rushed his ass knocking him to the floor.
“Fuck you down there crying for, nigga?” I yelled. “You the reason she dead!” I stood over top of him. In my mind I was begging for a reason to beat his ass.
“I’m sorry.” He cried. “I never meant, I never meant to hurt her.” He continued. He didn’t even fight me back. He just lie there balling his eyes out. “Please, please forgive me.”
“Don’t be sorry now, nigga! You killed her. You treated her like shit. She couldn’t take it no more and it’s all your fault! I wish your ass would have died instead of her.” I was beside myself with anger. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to feel all the hurt and pain that he made my mother feel.
“Yeah, well, take a good long look!” My father yelled sitting up on the floor. He leaned against the couch and dug in his front shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “You just like me, boy.” He chuckled.
“I could never be like you, my nigga. My wife loves me. I will never treat her the way you did ma.” I yelled wiping the tear that dropped from my eye away roughly.
“Think again, youngin’.” He sniffed. “You the spitting image of me. I bet if I ask your little wife right now she would have a different story.” He removed the cigarette from the pack and continued to laugh.
I just glared at him. What had me the angriest was that he was telling the truth. Lately I felt like I had been acting more and more like him every day. I mean my wife didn’t even come home because of how I treated her so who was I to talk?
“You know what, fuck you.” I pointed at him. “Stay out my life! You dead to me.” I yelled and bolted out the front door.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
TAE
I had been away from home without Bronco knowing where I was. I’ve never stayed out all night, much less for two days and I was scared at how he would react when it was finally time for us to communicate.
I had no idea what I was going to walk into when I got home. Would Bronco be mad at me? Did he even miss me? Thinking about how this would end had my stomach flipping.
The good thing was he should be at work now so I had time to at least take a bath and get ready for whatever he threw my way later.
When I walked inside the apartment I noticed the security alarm wasn’t on. When I closed the door and looked around more I saw Bronco’s duffle bag sitting on the floor.
He never went to work without that duffle. He must have taken the day off. I hoped he wasn’t sick.
Concerned, I put my purse down on the dining room table and walked into our bedroom. I pushed the door slightly and it made a creaking sound slowly opening. And there he was, sitting on the edge of our bed in his work uniform with what looked like blood all over it.
“Bronco!” I yelled rushing into the room toward him. “What happened to you…Why…Why are you bleeding?” I asked afraid of the answer he would tell me.
He didn’t say a word. He lifted his head slowly to look at me and huge tears fell from his eyes.
“Bronco…Talk to me, baby. Are you hurt?” I asked wanting to make sure he didn’t need to go to the hospital.
He shook his head no. “She’s gone, Tae.” He said in a low voice.
“Who’s gone?”
“My mama. She…She…killed herself.” He broke down crying. “My mother’s gone, and I can’t…I can’t deal with this shit.”
I was speechless. I felt like someone sucked all the oxygen out of my body. Did he just tell me that his mother was dead because she killed herself? “Bronco, did you find her?” I asked trying to still figure out where the blood on him came from.
He nodded his head while balling uncontrollably.
I have never seen Bronco like this. I felt so sorry for him. He’s devastated and I don’t know all the details or why his mother did what she did, but I knew she was an unhappy woman. I hope now at least she has found her peace.
I kicked off my shoes and crawled on the bed behind him. I grabbed him in my arms and rocked him slowly. “It’s ok, baby.” I squeezed him as hard as I could. “Just let it out…I’m here.”
He turned his body toward me and grabbed me. He continued to cry as he held onto me. I’m so glad I was here. I wondered if I could feel his energy, which is why I decided I had to come home today.
****
> After Bronco settled down, I realized I needed to take care of home. So I drew Bronco a bubble bath and got him undressed. While he soaked in the tub I cleaned up the bedroom and changed the sheets on the bed. There was nothing better than being clean and then getting into a clean bed. Especially when you’re in pain.
Once he was out of the tub and settled in, I cooked him his favorite comfort meal, split pea soup and a couple of grilled turkey and cheese sandwiches. Although he didn’t have an appetite he could never resist this meal and I knew he needed to eat something. I wanted to lift his spirits as much as I could anyway, given the circumstances.
“Baby, is your dad gonna make the arrangements for the funeral? Or will there even be a funeral?” I asked sitting on the bed as I watched Bronco force his soup down.
“We got any beer?” He replied ignoring my question. I guess he didn’t want to talk about this yet.
“Yes,” I said. I walked out the room to grab him one out the fridge. I have no idea how we will get through this. He has never been close to his father but now when I mentioned his name I noticed his jaw clinched.
I grabbed two beers and opened one taking a huge gulp out of the bottle. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything yet, but I really needed this drink.
When I got back to the bedroom I handed the unopened beer to Bronco. He took it from me, opened it and downed the whole thing in one gulp. I watched in amazement as I continued to sip mine.
“Come here.” He said putting the empty bottle down on the bedside table.
I walked over to the side of the bed and stood near him. He reached up and started to pull me down onto him. I slammed my beer on the table quickly so I wouldn’t spill it on the bed as he placed me on top of his body and kissed me.
I kissed him back but when I felt his dick getting hard I pulled away from him. “Bronco, stop.” I told him not wanting to take the kiss further. “Not now, not like this.”
“Come on, baby, please. I need to feel you. I need to be inside of you. Please don’t do me like this.” He begged me.
“Bronco, I have been gone for days.” I explained. “We have a lot to talk about and until then I’m just not comfortable having sex with you. I need more time and I know that hurts you but I need to be honest.”
“Time…Time for what?” He sat up and yelled. I got up and straightened my clothes. “You my wife and I need you right now.” He pointed at the floor. “I mean, how the fuck time gonna change that?”
“I’m not sure.” I told him honestly. “I know you hurting, but I just can’t do that right now. I’m sorry.”
“You know what, if you can’t be here for me when I need you most then fuck it, I’ll get somebody in here who will.” He yelled. “It ain’t like you haven’t been out doing your thing anyway.”
“You know what…I don’t need this.” I said. I walked to my closet and grabbed my pink duffle bag and began packing clothes into it. “Nothing changes with you which is why nothing changes in our relationship.”
“Hold up…What you doing?” He asked jumping up out the bed. “You can’t go nowhere…Please don’t…Don’t do this.”
“I’m leaving, Bronco. I’m trying to be here for you right now but I won’t be taken advantage of anymore. I refuse to end up like your mother.” I said realizing that may have been harsh but it was the truth. I continued packing.
He took a deep breath. “Tae, I’m sorry. And you right.” He shrugged. “You know I ain’t mean it, you know what I’m saying. I just want you; I just need to feel good right now. Please…Don’t go.” He pleaded.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that.” I zipped up my bag. “Goodbye, Bronco.” I picked up my duffle and walked out the apartment.
CHAPTER TWENTY
TAE
I don’t know why I was so nervous. It was probably because of the way Siena blew up at me when I wanted to answer Bronco’s call. I wasn’t expecting her to be that angry.
So I may be stupid for even going back there, but she did offer to let me stay and at the moment I really needed her. Besides, Bronco was too heavy for me and I needed a breath of fresh air until I could figure some things out.
I took a deep breath. I sat my duffle bag down on her stoop and knocked on her door gently. I didn’t even call first to see if she was home which was kinda fucked up because I wouldn’t want nobody popping up on me.
The more I stood there thinking about it, the more I felt crazy for even being there. When I came to my senses, I picked up my bag and turned around to leave.
I didn’t know exactly where I was gonna go but I knew it couldn’t be my parent’s house. Too many questions would be asked that I didn’t have the answers to right now.
“Taevonne?” Siena called out my name from behind me. I turned around and faced her. “I didn’t hear the door. Were you out here long?” She asked looking at me.
I stood there for a brief moment and weighed my options, until I realized I didn’t have many. There was no way I was going back home. Not right now anyway.
“Oh, hey, Siena.” I smiled although I felt dumb. “Look, I’m so sorry for just barging up on you like this but I…well earlier you offered to—”
“I’m so glad you came back.” She smiled. “I mean I acted like a complete lame. I’m so sorry for blanking out like that, Tae. You did nothing to deserve any of it.” She said shocking me. “I hope you can forgive me. Do you?”
“Don’t even think about it,” I waved the air. “And thank you for apologizing.” I said feeling a little better about my predicament. “Ummm…Were you serious about me staying with you for—”
“Oh my God, yes!” She yelled excitedly cutting me off. She ran off her stoop and grabbed me up in a huge hug before kissing me on my lips. “My home is open to you now and always!”
The kiss was a little strange, especially since she was bare foot and we were outside standing in front of her place and not in her bedroom. I mean she acted like I just came home from combat. I smiled awkwardly. “Well, thank you.” I cleared my throat. “Um…can we go—”
“Yes, of course. Get in here.” She locked her arm around mine and walked me inside her place.
****
It was later in the evening and I had my phone on airplane mode. I’m not sure if Bronco tried to call me or not but I wasn’t feeling him right now so it didn’t matter. I really wanted to be there when he needed me but too much pain caused me to harden up.
I know it may be a bad look not being at his side now with his mom’s death and all, but I can’t be in a bad situation mentally or sexually. We need this time apart to sort our marriage out. Shit was very rocky in our house; and I couldn’t deal with him let alone his grief too.
Besides, I was really enjoying staying with Siena. She was everything I felt like I needed at the time. She was warm, compassionate, smart, funny, sexy and very welcoming.
As soon as she brought me inside her apartment I told her what happened between Bronco and I, when I got home. She was saddened to hear about his mother dying and even cried with me. After we shed a lot of tears she drew me a bubble bath and washed and massaged my body. I felt like I was away at a spa and I needed each and every touch.
When she was done she even made me a delicious dinner and I thought I was a good cook. Her meal was so perfect. She made garlic mashed potatoes with rosemary chicken breasts and asparagus. To be honest I had never tasted anything so good.