“And what if—” I stop myself. I don’t want to ask the question, but Kate asks it for me.
“What if it’s spread?” she says evenly.
I look at her mutely, almost shamefully. I feel disloyal for even thinking such a thing.
“Well, we have to deal with that if it happens,” she says pragmatically. “We’ll have to go through the motions—radiotherapy, chemotherapy. I’ve been reading up on everything, but even for me, with my medical background, it’s a whole new learning curve.” She’s being incredibly calm. Spookily so.
“You’re being so calm about everything,” I say to her in amazement.
She shrugs. “There’s no point bringing emotions into this. We need to deal with the facts. When it comes to medical matters, the body is like a car that’s broken down and we need to figure out the best way to try to fix it.”
“But this isn’t a car we’re talking about—this is Jeff,” I say passionately.
“I’m acutely aware of that, Lucy,” she snaps, the strain showing for the first time.
I fall silent. I’m not sure what to do or what to say to try to comfort her. I know she’s upset, but she refuses to show it. She refuses to put down the strong big-sister act and let anyone in, least of all me. It’s so frustrating. I feel so helpless.
“How is Jeff dealing with it?” I say after a moment.
“He’s been better. Obviously. His main concern seems to be that after the operation he’s going to be flying solo.” She raises an eyebrow. “But the doctor explained to him that you can get an implant.”
“An implant?”
“Apparently. I don’t know if they come in different sizes like with breasts. My husband with the double-D testicles.” She smiles ruefully, attempting a joke. “I’ll be calling him Pamela Anderson next.”
We both laugh, but it’s a hollow sound. This is cancer we’re talking about, this is Jeff, and this is something that threatens the rest of their lives together, but she’s refusing to go there, so I don’t go there either.
After lunch I leave Kate insisting she’s OK. “Don’t fuss,” she protests. “Everything’s going to be fine.”
“I know, of course,” I say hurriedly. “I didn’t mean . . . Look, if you need anything, anything at all. If you want me to come with you to the hospital, keep you topped up with bad vending-machine coffee . . .”
“I’ll call you.” She nods curtly, in a way that says she has no intention of calling me—or anyone, for that matter. She hitches her bag onto her shoulder and is about to turn away when instinctively I reach over and give her a big hug. I can’t help myself. Despite her steely demeanor, she feels tiny and fragile beneath her cotton jacket.
She stiffens and awkwardly pulls away. “Oh, and Lucy, don’t mention anything to Mum and Dad. You know how they worry about stuff.”
“Yes, of course.” I nod, thinking how that’s so typical of Kate—never wanting to be any trouble, always determined to handle everything herself. “I won’t breathe a word.”
We say our good-byes and I walk back to the subway and begin descending the steps, then pause. I don’t feel like going back to the apartment; I feel like walking, and so, turning round, I climb back up again. I’ve no destination in mind, no clue where I’m heading. I just start walking aimlessly, paying no attention to my surroundings, the people who walk by, the shops that I pass, the neighborhoods that I enter. Staring at the ground, I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, the rhythm propelling me forward, like a musician with his metronome.
I think about Jeff and Kate. About my sister’s stoicism, her flippant remarks, the sarcastic humor that hides the true depth of love she has for him but couldn’t hide the shadow of fear I saw in her eyes. About Jeff and how he must be feeling. I try to imagine it, but of course I can’t. How can I? This is life or death we’re talking about. Not some silly legend about soul mates. I feel a stab of shame. Talk about putting things into perspective.
I’m not sure how long I walk for, but after a while I become vaguely aware that my legs are beginning to ache. As I slow down, I find myself outside a large art gallery: the Whitney, on Madison Avenue. Seeking solace, I walk through the doors as if on autopilot, eager to immerse myself in the art, to lose myself and block out everything else. Only today the paintings don’t make me feel better; the sculptures don’t lift my spirits. Even Rothko’s Four Darks in Red doesn’t work its usual magic.
I think back to the last time I was at a gallery. It was after the row with Nate, when I bumped into Adam at the MoMA. As my mind flicks to him, I feel a tug in the pit of my stomach. What wouldn’t I give to turn a corner and see him now? I reflect as I wander from room to room, each time hoping to glimpse him, each time feeling a thump of disappointment as I realize he’s not here.
I leave when the gallery closes. It’s early evening, the clear sky is now a purplish bruise, and for the first time I can feel summer nudging into autumn, as if while I was inside the gallery there was a shift, a change, a coming to an end. My feet are sore but I feel like walking and I set off zigzagging blocks, meandering past the park.
Finally I reach the Village. The streets are lined with busy restaurants and bars, and people are milling around outside on the pavement, smoking cigarettes and chattering, their voices filling the evening air. I keep walking, absently catching snippets of conversation, until all at once I stumble across another gallery.
I slow down. Sounds of glasses clinking, the hum of conversation, scents of perfume and aftershave float toward me. Outside the gallery is gathered a small crowd of people.
For a moment my heart races. It’s a gallery opening. Maybe Adam is here.
With my breath held tight in anticipation, I glance around, my eyes skimming the crowd. Then I see a figure. He has his back turned to me, but he’s wearing a T-shirt and baggy jeans, and he’s got dark, floppy hair. My heart leaps into my throat. It’s him. It’s Adam.
It’s like a shot of adrenaline. A jumble of thoughts shoots through my brain as I step toward him: relief, apprehension, hope, fear. “Adam.” I hear an urgent voice say his name and suddenly realize it’s mine. “I need to explain.”
He stops talking and turns round.
Only it’s not him. It’s a stranger with a passing resemblance to him. He looks at me questioningly.
“Oh.” I feel a crash of disappointment. “I thought you were someone else.”
“Who would you like me to be?” he jokes good-naturedly, and his friend laughs.
I try to smile, but my face won’t quite do it. Abruptly I feel tears prickling. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake,” I stammer, and turn away sharply.
If only I could say that to Adam. But I’ll probably never get the chance, I realize with a heavy clunk of dismay. There are more than eight million people living in New York—what’s the likelihood of ever seeing him again?
And fighting back tears, I hurry away.
Chapter Thirty-two
I arrive back at the apartment late, with a giant bag of Kettle Chips and a bottle of pinot grigio. Usually they’re my fail-safe, cheer-up, get-out-of-a-crap-mood card, but tonight not even New York Cheddar flavor can make me feel better, I reflect, letting myself into the kitchen and putting the half-eaten bag on the table. Maybe the wine will do better.
I screw open the top. I once read an article about why winemakers have started using screw-tops in the twenty-first century. It said something about being a better way of sealing the wine, as corks can go moldy, apparently. Personally, I think that’s a load of rubbish. Screw-tops are in demand because of all the heartbroken single girls who need to get the wine faster.
Pouring a glass, I glug half of it back, then pick up my discarded Kettle Chips in a resigned “OK, let’s try again” stance, like a weary couple giving things another shot, and pad into the living room and flick on the light.
“Aaarrgh.”
I hear a strangled yelp and spot a couple lying entwined on the sofa. At exactly the same time
, they see me and spring apart in a flurry of adjusting bra straps, fiddling with belts, and hastily brushing down hair.
“Oh, uh, hi, Lucy,” murmurs Robyn. Face flushed, she smooths her dress. “I didn’t think you’d be back so early.”
“Um, no, I guess not,” I say, frozen in the doorway. Now I know how my dad must have felt when he blundered in on me and Stuart Yates in the conservatory when we were fifteen.
“You’ve met Daniel before.” She gestures to him; he’s now sitting bolt upright on the sofa as if he’s about to have tea with the vicar.
“Yes, of course.” I nod. “Hi, Daniel.”
“Hi, Lucy.” He stands up to shake my hand politely and I can’t help noticing his fly is undone.
“Um . . .” I gesture downward with my eyes.
He looks puzzled and glances down. Seeing his zipper, he turns beetroot. I’m not sure who’s more embarrassed, him or me. Or Robyn, who’s now vigorously plumping cushions like my mother when the relatives are coming.
“We were just watching a DVD,” she says briskly.
I glance at the TV. It’s turned off. “Great.” I smile.
“So did you have a nice day?” she asks brightly.
The conversation is so stilted it’s as if we’re in a bad amateur dramatics play.
“Oh, you know . . .” I consider telling her about my sister and Jeff and Adam, but decide against it. Now’s hardly the time to unburden myself. “How about you two? How was your day?”
“Amazing,” Daniel replies enthusiastically, beaming.
“OK,” says Robyn, speaking over him with forced nonchalance.
Glances fly between them and I feel the air prickle as if there’s a lot going on under the surface. I take this as my cue to leave. “Well, I think I’ll probably go to bed. It’s late.” I start backing out of the doorway.
“Oh, don’t go on our account,” she says breezily. I notice she’s still plumping the same cushion. As does Daniel, who prises it from her gently.
“Actually, I’m exhausted,” I say, and throw in a yawn for good measure. Which is true, I suddenly realize. It’s been quite some day. “Night.”
“Night,” they say in stereo, from opposite ends of the sofa, where they’re standing awkwardly as if to prove there’s nothing going on between them. Proving that without any doubt there is something going on between them.
I go into my bedroom, flick on a couple of lamps, and turn on my fairy lights. That’s always a surefire way to make me feel better. I don’t know why it is, but there’s something about their soft, twinkly glow that never fails to lift my spirits.
Except for tonight. Tonight they have zero effect, I think glumly. Lighting an aromatherapy candle, I put on some cheery music, but it’s hopeless. Not even my ludicrously expensive Diptyque candle, which I burn only on special occasions, and the Mamma Mia! soundtrack Mum bought me can make a dent in my black mood.
Giving up, I resign myself to feeling miserable and settle on my bed with my wine, Kettle Chips, and laptop. Maybe Adam’s replied to my message on Facebook, I tell myself. Maybe now he’s had time to think about things . . . Hope flickers, like the flame on my candle, and for a brief moment I feel a tiny pulse of anticipation, a ray of possibility. Maybe, just maybe.
Taking a large slurp of wine for courage, I check my e-mails. I have three. One from my mum asking me if I’ve spoken to Kate, as she can’t get hold of her, and saying that it’s “boiling hot here. Everyone is wearing T-shirts.” Ever since I moved to New York, Mum and I have had an ongoing weather battle. For some reason she’s determined to prove Manchester is hotter than Manhattan. “You wouldn’t believe how sunny it’s been since you left!”
Quite frankly, no, Mum, I wouldn’t, I think, clicking off her e-mail and on to the next one, which is an engagement party Evite from a friend in London. “Brilliant. Congratulations,” I type with two fingers, while glugging back wine. “Sorry I can’t make it.” Am in New York, becoming an alcoholic, I add mentally, clicking Send.
The last one is from eBay, reminding me that the online auction for my spare theater ticket is to end tomorrow and that I’ve had several bids. I feel slightly cheered. Well, at least that’s something.
And that’s it. No e-mail from Adam. I stare at my empty in-box, my mind turning, then log on to Facebook. You never know, there could have been an error and his reply never got forwarded. That happened to a friend of mine once. Well, not an actual friend—a friend of a friend, or maybe it was in an article I read. I can’t remember. The most important thing is, it did happen.
Not to me, though, I realize, looking at my profile page. No new messages. Nothing, apart from a status update from Nathaniel Kennedy:Looking at real estate!
This time I don’t even bother trying to defriend him. After all, what’s the point? I think resignedly, logging out. Somehow it doesn’t seem to matter so much anymore.
My mind jumps back to lunchtime and Kate’s comment about wishing she and Jeff could be tied together forever. Reminded, I feel a clutch of anxiety and take a sip of wine, trying to shake off the heavy sense of foreboding that’s threatening to envelop me like a heavy overcoat. Jeff’s going to be OK, I tell myself firmly. Kate said it’s the best cancer to have, and she trained to be a doctor, so she should know. Kate knows everything. She never gets it wrong. Why should now be any different?
I wake up on Sunday morning with one question and one question only: Why, oh, why did I have that fourth glass of wine? Yet along with a thumping headache comes a new sense of determination: That’s it—no more drowning my sorrows. I’m going to forget about men and relationships. I’m going to stop wasting time on all that stupid love stuff. Instead I’m going to focus on what’s really important. Like family and friends, health, raising money for charity . . .
And a stonking great big cup of coffee.
Padding bleary-eyed into the kitchen, I find Robyn making herbal tea. Robyn is the queen of herbal teas, and we’re not just talking ordinary chamomile or peppermint that come as prepackaged tea bags from Trader Joe’s. She makes a whole science of herbal tea, brewing up spoonfuls of dried herbs with exotic-sounding names in her little teapot, stewing, sieving, and straining through various filters and fiddly bits of gauze. All so she can produce the most foul-tasting liquid known to man.
Flicking on the kettle, I pull three cups from the cupboard. “One for me, one for you, and one for Daniel,” I say pointedly, giving her a knowing smile.
“Thanks”—she nods, spooning out dried herbs into a small ceramic teapot—“but I’ll only be needing one cup.”
“Sensible man. He hates that stuff too, does he?” I grin. I start unscrewing my little silver espresso pot. “Maybe he’d like a coffee instead.”
“He’s not here.”
Dumping the old coffee grounds in the bin, I give the pot a quick rinse under the tap. “Oh, has he gone to get croissants?”
Robyn and I live one street over from this great little bakery that does the most delicious croissants. Every time I walk by I think of Nate’s comment and tell myself, “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” And every time I can’t resist popping in for an almond one. It’s a stupid rhyme anyway. I much prefer “A moment on the hips, a lifetime on the lips.”
“No, he’s gone,” she says flatly. The kettle boils and clicks off and she starts pouring water over her herbs.
“Gone?” The way she says it, it’s as if he’s gone missing. I’m almost tempted to look under the kitchen table to see if he’s hiding there. Then it suddenly strikes me that she means he’s gone as in He won’t be coming back.
“But how? Why?” In confusion I watch her stirring her teapot, a strange sort of dazed look on her face. “Last night you two seemed so . . .” I search for the right word. About to have sex? No, that’s four. “Cozy,” I finish.
She stops stirring and looks up. “It’s over.”
“Over?” I feel like when I missed an episode of American Idol and didn’t realize tha
t one of my favorites had been knocked out and I spent the first ten minutes completely bewildered and trying to work out what had happened.
“Not that we were dating or anything,” she adds hurriedly.
“No, of course not.” I nod, playing along.
“We were just friends.”
“Good friends,” I suggest.
“Yes, totally,” she agrees, averting her eyes.
“So what happened?”
There’s a pause and then she sighs. “Harold. That’s what happened. You told me you’d met him in Martha’s Vineyard.”
Guilt thuds. This is all my fault. “I didn’t mean for you to break up with Daniel,” I protest quickly. “I mean, not that you were ever together—” I try to backtrack, but she cuts me off.
“I didn’t finish it. Daniel did. He doesn’t think we should see each other anymore.”
I stare at her incredulously. “But I thought . . .” I hesitate, my mind whirring. “I thought you two were having lots of fun together. The African drumming band, the vegan restaurant, last night . . .” I trail off, thinking about them together on the sofa. Trust me, Daniel did not look like a man who wanted to finish things.
“We were.” She nods. “We did.” She gives a little sniff and her large green eyes start to glisten. She blinks rapidly. “But he said now that I’ve found Harold, he didn’t want to stop me from being with him. From being with my soul mate.”
I pause, allowing that to register. “Can you just rewind that bit?” I fix her with a hard look. “How does he know you’ve . . . I mean, I’ve found Harold?”
“I told him.”
“You told him?”
You're (Not) the One Alexandra Potter Page 31