Chapter 5
Lily
The next morning I was feeling slightly guilty about the night before. In truth, nothing had happened but I knew it was a grey area. Something most certainly did happen. I could feel it in my bones. It was as if I were seeing the world through a different lens. I noticed how little my husband actually looked at me in the morning. Even when I was stepping out of the shower, he didn’t give my body or my face even a glance. I knew I had gained weight and wasn’t still the sexy woman I used to be, but it still stung. Especially after the attention I’d gotten from Sean the night before.
In the light of day, I blamed the entire thing on the wine and memories. I was willing to bet Sean was waking up that morning wondering what he’d done last night. There was no way a ruggedly handsome man like him would want to bother with a married woman whose body was less than perfect. I had seen some of the women he used to date. There was no comparison. Surely, this morning he was kicking himself and realizing what a fool he’d been.
After Chris left for work, I began picking up the house. My mother would be over sometime to bring my daughter home and if the house wasn’t spotless, I would hear about it. I started a load of laundry and had begun emptying the dishwasher when my cell phone made a sound.
Had a great time with you last night, the message said. It was Sean.
I could feel myself blush. Had he been thinking of me this morning like I had been thinking of him? A small part of me said not to respond, yet my fingers began to type out their reply.
Me too, was all I sent back. I didn’t want to lie to him. I did have a great time. Better than I had in so long, I didn’t even want to count. I was feeling so much better about myself and I didn’t want that to stop. What would a little harmless flirting do?
What are you doing today? He quickly responded.
Cleaning house and planning my next pieces, I answered. I knew men didn’t want to hear about jewelry. Chris, on more than one occasion, had zoned out when I tried to talk to him about the jewelry I made. All he cared about was the fact I was making money. Beyond that, he didn’t want to hear about it.
Can I stop by for a minute? He asked.
I debated. I could feel something inside me start to shake. Did that mean what I was doing was wrong? If I was nervous, I shouldn’t do it, right? But what about all those inspirational quotes that said you should embrace your fear? Finally, I swallowed it all down and started typing.
Sure, was all I sent.
I fluffed the pillows in the front room and sprayed some air freshener. Thankfully, the house was cleaner than normal since Avery hadn’t been home. Usually, her toys were scattered everywhere and I had to beg her to be dressed. Often, she could be found at the end of a trail of clothing.
While I anxiously waited, I tried to decide if I was making a mistake. What I was doing could be seen as if I were leading him on. I had just picked up my phone to text him when there was a knock on the door.
“Guess it’s too late for that,” I said aloud to myself. In truth, I was looking forward to seeing him again.
I pulled open the door and saw him rubbing his hands together nervously.
“Good morning,” I said smiling.
“Good morning,” he said as he stepped inside. “It’s hard to believe you can look so good in the morning, too.”
“Oh stop,” I said waving his compliment off. “I know better.”
I gestured for him to sit down as I lowered myself to the couch. “I hate to argue, but you do. How can Chris even leave in the morning, knowing he’s leaving a pretty thing like you all alone all day?”
I laughed nervously. “Well, he doesn’t seem to have any trouble,” I admitted.
“Then he’s an idiot,” he said finally. He let his words hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “I didn’t have any real reason to stop by, I just wanted to see you again. I was in town on a few errands and thought I would stop for a visit.”
“I’m glad you did,” I said. And I was. Seeing him again made me feel better than I was this morning. Just being in his company was calming.
“Me too,” he said with a smile. “I have to lay it all out there. I have feelings for you. I always have. When I was in prison, I remember seeing your engagement photo in the paper. It tore me to shreds.” He looked down at his hands. “I remember thinking, there goes another good one.”
“You never struck me as someone looking for commitment,” I pointed out.
“I wasn’t back then,” he admitted. “At least not at first. But I had a lot of time to think. I realized I was lying to myself. I wanted something real. I wanted to connect with another person in a way I hadn’t ever known.”
I could feel my heart cracking wide open for him. I could only imagine what it must have been like. Being cut off from your family and friends. “Marriage doesn’t guarantee that,” I said softly.
“I know,” he said. “Not all marriages have it. But I want mine to.”
It almost didn’t seem like the same man. I looked at him, truly looked at him for the first time. I saw a man who had messed up in his life, but was taking steps to try to rectify it. He looked at me eagerly, as though he were hoping I was catching what he meant.
I stood and shook my head. “I don’t even think it’s possible anymore. I’m starting to think love is just something for stories. Men don’t hold doors open for their ladies anymore. They don’t surprise her with flowers or remember her favorite movie.”
“I remember yours,” he said softly. I turned quickly, surprised. “You used to love that movie, ‘Pretty Wolves’,” he said a slight smile on his face.
“How did you…,” I began but my sentence got lost. Honestly, I had forgotten I’d liked that movie so much. Everything was so long ago.
“I just remember,” he admitted as he stood. Slowly, he moved closer to me, as if I were a bird he was afraid of spooking. Cautiously, his hand reached for mine. “I remember calling you ‘Hollywood’ all the time, too.”
“Yeah, because of that shirt I wore,” I said.
“That’s not why,” he said as our fingers touched.
“Then why was it?” I asked, my breath hitching.
“Because you were as pretty as a Hollywood star,” he said softly. His hand moved to my side and I felt his thumb softly caress me. I began to feel self conscious as he touched me, aware I was a good fifty pounds heavier than I used to be.
I squirmed. “Not anymore.”
His other hand touched me on the opposite side so that his palms were on my hips. “Yes you are. Why would you say that?”
“Because I’m overweight and frumpy,” I said looking at him with tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry but talking about my insecurities always seemed to start the water works.
“Don’t say that,” he said pulling me closer. “You’re as beautiful as ever.”
My breath caught. “You’re just saying that.”
Sean lifted one hand and slipped his fingers beneath my hair. His thumb grazed my jawline. “Never.” He lowered his mouth to mine, ever so slowly. There was barely contact between our lips, but I felt it all the way to my toes. It was as if I had been encased in ice and with that one simple act, he cracked me wide open.
I hadn’t realized I’d closed my eyes until I was opening them. The corner of his mouth lifted in a smile before he kissed me again. This time, our lips parted and our tongues began to move together. My arms went around him, feeling the strong muscles in his back move as his arm wrapped around me. Our mouths moved together as if they had choreographed the entire thing. There was no awkwardness, only instinct. Like our bodies had figured out a way to communicate without us. We simply knew. My pelvis felt heavy with need as I drew closer. My panties suddenly damp. My desire blazing up in an instant.
“I should go,” he finally said.
I couldn’t speak. Part of me wanted to beg him to stay. The other part was screaming that I was playing with fire. I had to catch my breath. I need
ed to think clearly. I couldn’t do that with him here.
“Okay,” I finally said. He stepped back and I could feel myself wanting to follow. I had to control myself. I was a married woman and mother. I couldn’t behave like this. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head.
“I’m not leaving because I’m ashamed, Lily. I’m leaving because I don’t want to do something you’ll regret,” he insisted.
I nodded. “I know.”
“Good, don’t forget it,” he said. He moved to the front door and paused once his hand was on the knob. “Have a good day, gorgeous. I’ll message you later.”
I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. While he slipped out the door, I couldn’t help but compare him to Chris. Chris often gave a kiss as he left in the morning but it was rote. As though he were only going through the motions. Trying to remember the last time I was kissed with that much intensity, I came up empty. Had I ever? I could remember a time when Chris and I were much more passionate but I couldn’t recall it ever being that amazing.
“Get a grip, Lily,” I said aloud. “You’re married. You can’t be feeling this way.” I stood and began to pace. I went to the kitchen and pulled a cookie from the cookie bowl. Pausing after I took a bite, I remembered we made those cookies together. Just the thought of that caused tears to spring to my eyes. What was I going to do? I couldn’t keep this up, could I?
Chapter 6
Sean
I had to leave. I wanted to stay, but I knew I had to leave. She was looking so pretty and I wanted to do nothing but hold her all day. Not just hold her. I wanted to show her just what she deserved. To be pampered, loved, and made love to.
I could feel my jeans growing tighter as I thought about her. She was so kind and gentle, like a little sparrow. Almost as jittery as one, too. It made my heart clench just thinking about it. She was strong, I knew it from all those years ago. Seeing her less bright was heartbreaking. When we were together, I could see that light coming back. It was like a little flame deep within her heart and my company would stoke it. I was sure that eventually I could help her find her brilliance again.
Heading back to work, I turned onto the old gravel road. As the rocks crunched under my tires, I dreamed of loading up all of her stuff and taking her and her daughter somewhere far away. Somewhere we could leave everything behind and start brand new. I knew it wasn’t feasible, after all, her husband would want to see his daughter. A guy could dream though.
I climbed out of my truck as I parked in my usual spot.
“Hey, Sean,” Patrick called as I walked across the drive. “Did you get those parts?” Patrick Speck was an older man and he just couldn’t seem to get around like he used to. I was grateful to him for hiring me. Not many were willing to hire an ex-con, no matter what the circumstances. He had known my parent before they’d moved away and was willing to take a chance on me. His old weathered face made it hard to judge just how old he was. He still did what work he could, however, even if it was a bit slower.
“Sure did,” I said holding up the bag.
I spent the rest of the afternoon working on the old tractor that I was sure hadn’t moved in 20 years. Eventually, it fired up and I took it for a test drive down the road. A familiar looking SUV wa coming down the road toward me. I pulled over to the side and they slowed way down so that the dust wouldn’t kick up too much. As it grew closer, I realized why it looked so familiar. It was the vehicle that Lily and Chris had been putting groceries in that day. Behind the wheel was Chris. He slowed down and stopped on the road, rolling his window down.
“Hey, man,” Chris said. “What are you doing way out here?”
“Oh, hey,” I said giving a small wave. “I work for Mr. Speck over there.” I pointed to the farm nearby.
“Cool,” he said. “Yeah, I’m just out doing a little country cruise before heading home.” He turned and looked out the windshield. “Lily doesn’t like it when I drink this stuff at home.” He lifted a pint of some sort of brown liquor and smiled.
If he thought I was impressed, he was wrong. “I see,” I said nodding. “You be careful. You don’t want to get caught drinking and driving. That’s a hefty fine.”
“I know what I’m doing,” he said with a grin. “Well I’ll get out of your hair. I took off an hour early just to get a little me time, if you know what I’m saying. Sometimes I envy you single guys. Nobody telling you when to get home or what to do. Just free.” Chris got a distant look as if he were imagining what it was like.
“Personally, I’d rather have the family than the freedom, but that’s just me. You take care.” I put the tractor back in gear.
“You too, maybe you can come visit again,” he said as he pulled away.
Maybe, I thought.
Chapter 7
Lily
“Daddy, you’re home,” Avery called out as Chris came in through the front door.
“Sure am,” he said giving her a hug. “Did you have fun with Grandma and Grandpa?”
“It was so much fun!” she squealed.
“Good,” he said. “That makes Daddy happy to hear.” He approached me as I sat in my rocking chair and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “How was your day?” he asked.
“Not bad, I…,” I began but he quickly cut me off.
“You wouldn’t believe the bull I had to put up with today,” he interrupted. He then headed to the fridge and grabbed a beer before flopping down in his chair and kicking off his boots. Cracking open the can, he began to list all the ways his day went so badly.
I bit my lip, wanting so badly to yell and scream. Why even ask if you don’t care? I wanted to say. Why get my hopes up when you don’t want to hear it? Instead, I sat in my chair, my eyes wandering around the room as I pretended to listen. I used to listen to whatever he had to say. I would offer support and a kind word. I learned years ago that it didn’t matter. He would argue with me if I tried to point out anothers side to an argument or offered advice. Instead, it seemed better to just keep my mouth shut and go along.
As I returned to the kitchen to start supper, I listened to the sound of Chris turning on the tv while Avery tried to continue talking to him. She wasn’t old enough to have learned the signs when her daddy had stopped listening. She kept chattering away about what she did at her grandparents house while he worked on getting drunk and watching hours of mindless entertainment.
My heart felt as though it were shattering into a million pieces as I saw what my family had turned into. I’d dreamed of having a husband that wanted to go on adventures. That would do fun things with our children. Instead, he spent his evenings ignoring us as much as he could possibly manage. How long would it take before my baby girl began feeling like I did? Unimportant, ignored and unloved by her father.
Tears began to slip down my cheeks as I began to cook. Chris came in long enough to grab two beers from the fridge and slap me on the bottom before returning to his chair. I’d told him numerous times that I hated being smacked on the butt, but he did it anyway. Last time I’d reminded him that I didn’t like it, he accused me of trying to pick a fight. Never mind the fact that he totally missed the fact his wife was crying but he blatantly did the very thing I’d asked him over and over to not do. I sighed, feeling like a failure.
My mind jumped to Sean and the way he’d paid attention to me the last few days. Was it the newnes? Maybe. But I also couldn’t remember a time that Chris had treated me that way, either. He’d always scoffed at the things I wanted to do and insisted that I go with him to do what he wanted. It was refreshing to think that maybe, just maybe, someone else could like the same things I did. I found myself wondering what Sean was like with kids. Would he be sweet to Avery?
I spent the rest of the evening lost in daydreams. I would listen attentively anytime my daughter needed me, but once she was content my mind drifted to Sean. I knew who he was as a person. After all, we’d worked together for over a year before he left. Yet there were till those things I hadn’t learned yet.
Like how he treated his mother and what kept him up at night.
I couldn’t help but wonder, what if I’d have said “yes” to him all those years ago? Would he have even gone to prison if he’d been with me? Or would he have shattered my heart into a million pieces because he was a different person then? It was hard to say. Before long, it was bedtime and I took Avery to bed. After reading her a bedtime story and tucking her in, I slipped back to the living room. Chris was once again passed out in his chair, multiple beer cans stacked up around him while his phone kept playing a video.
“Let’s go to bed,” I said as I touched his shoulder. He came around and dropped the foot rest of his chair before slowly standing.
“Why don’t you come give your hubby some lovin?” he said as he swayed.
I stepped into his arms just as he began to stumble.
“Whoa,” he said as he swayed. “Little wobbly.” I held onto him, trying to help him regain his balance. He looked down at me and smiled before puckering up. I could smell his breath reeking of booze. I held mine before leaning in to give him a kiss but he grabbed me and forced his tongue into my mouth.
I didn’t used to hate beer. But after years of smelling it on him, the scent mixed with sweat and sometimes even hard alcohol, it begam a scent I detested. It came to represent sadness and frustration. Of cancelled plans because he was too drunk. As he forced his tongue into my mouth, I had to work hard to not withdraw. If I did, he wouldn’t understand, anyway. I did my best to kiss him back and then pull away.
“Come on. Let’s get you to bed,” I said as I tried to guide him to the bedroom. We bumped into the walls a few times before finally making it to our destination.
Chris had barely pulled his clothes off and slipped into bed when he started snoring. Heaving a deep sigh of relief, I pulled a pair of pajamas from the dresser and slipped into the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake him up if I didn’t have to. Truth be told, it was the only time I was every truly afraid of him. If I didn’t have to deal with the drunken version of him that had no clue what he was doing, so much the better.
Friends with benefits: Erotica Page 3