‘Oh, I know how you feel,’ Kathleen said. ‘I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to Jackson and me. The thing about my husband is that he’s never been remotely militant. He’s a real roll-with-the-punches type. So if I can’t be bothered to cook, we have a toasted sandwich.’
‘Well, I’m not Jackson,’ Sam said. ‘I’m starving and I happen to know there’s some gorgeous food waiting to be enjoyed.’
The other two positioned themselves at the table while Lexie tossed the scallops in foamy garlic butter.
‘To a summer of fun and new friends,’ Sam toasted, as Lexie delivered the starters.
‘I’ll drink to that,’ Kathleen said.
‘To summer at Caracove Bay,’ Lexie added. Her smile matched Kathleen’s but underneath she was feeling more than a little uneasy.
Dear Diary
I’m so stunned I can barely write. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I was all ready to have a shower and do some study for the exams when a mega-row kicked off downstairs. Mum was mumbling at first, then Dad lost the plot totally. I mean epic style.
I know I shouldn’t have listened in but I was drawn to the stairs and then I crept down to the hallway. Mum would’ve killed me if she’d known I was earwigging. She has a real thing about it.
I wish I’d listened to her warning about hearing stuff you might not like and all that …
Dad was stressing about money and saying he can’t magic cash out of his arse. That made me laugh. Then Mum started crying and said none of it – what ever ‘it’ might be – was her fault. Then came the thing I wish I’d never heard.
Mum said she wished things were different. That from the word go their marriage had been ‘engineered by our bloody mothers’.
Dad totally exploded then and said, ‘For the millionth time, Dee, you told me you were on the pill. It was eighteen years ago. So what? My mother and your holier-than-thou parents marched us up the aisle. Millions of other couples were cajoled into getting married quickly because they were pregnant. Big swing. Get over yourself, will you?’
I feel violated. Like I’ve been assaulted. Mum and Dad have never been all touchy-feely with one another, but I thought that was just them. They’re hardly wild and wacky, let’s face it. But I always assumed they at least loved each other. More than that, I thought they loved me.
I figured that was why they’re so down on me all the time. I thought they were just worried and wanted me to be safe.
‘We want you to be the best person you can be.’ That’s a real Mum one-liner.
‘We want you to make us and yourself proud.’ That’s a Dad special.
I stupidly reckoned they had my best interests at heart. But now it’s all so obvious. How could I have been such a dope? They never wanted me in the first place. I was a horrible mistake between two kids who were only planning on fooling around and calling it a day. But instead of them having fun and walking away and possibly finding true soul-mates, I imprisoned them in a jaded relationship for life.
I feel like I want to vomit. All the tutting and disappointed shaking of heads makes sense now. I see it all clearly. Crystal clear.
I don’t know what to do or where to go. Should I confront them and tell them I heard their dirty secret? Tell them they can get divorced and I’ll drop out of school and get a job in a bar in Turkey? Let them know they’re free to learn to live again now that I’m old enough to fend for myself?
I sat and stared in the mirror just now. I look the same as always, but I’m not. I wasn’t wanted and I’ve ruined my parents’ lives.
A thought has struck me. Grandma, Granddad, Auntie Lex and Uncle Sam must know about this. They’re all in on it. They know that I’m the reason my parents are miserable.
I bet that’s why Auntie Lex and Uncle Sam don’t have kids. They’re happy. They can’t keep their hands off each other. I hear them sometimes at night. They love each other. No doubt in my mind about that. I’ll bet they saw the crap existence my parents have and wisely decided they’re not falling into that trap.
I wish I was dead.
Elton has just texted. He can’t meet me today after all. He’s going to size up some professional equipment for Satan Goes to Church.
I’m glad. I couldn’t be all cool and cutesy right now and I don’t know him well enough to tell him what I’ve heard. I need to get away, though. I have to think about how I’m going to handle this. It’s a vile feeling to know I wasn’t wanted.
Amélie
Chapter 12
The following Saturday afternoon, Kathleen found herself walking towards the pier. She’d checked out of the Caracove Arms and had had a busy morning with Sam in IKEA. She had sensibly left him and his friend Jeremy assembling the furniture they’d bought but had suddenly been overcome with tiredness and a need to be on her own. It was incredibly windy and rather chilly, so she walked to the other side of the pier and leaned against the great stone wall. The sun shone down and the salt-doused air tickled her face, making her inhale deeply. Closing her eyes, she listened to the seagulls calling over the lapping waves. Remembering she had a pair of sunglasses in her bag, she unhooked it from across her body and pulled them out. As she put them on, she spotted a man walking a small dog. They were too far away for details but his gait was so like Jackson’s that she gasped. She shielded her eyes with her hand and squinted. She missed Jackson dreadfully. The initial excitement was most certainly still with her, but in the back of her mind, she was genuinely worried as to whether she’d manage this whole trip on her own.
‘Life is precious, darling. Opportunities don’t come knocking every day. Embrace the good things and tuck them away in a little pocket of your mind, ready to be revisited when you’re feeling blue.’
Sobs invaded her. She crouched down, willing herself to be quiet. When the tears finally stopped, she searched for a handkerchief and dabbed her eyes and cheeks.
Grateful that few people were about, she stood up again and, uncertain what she wanted to do or where she wanted to go, she meandered towards the town and Lexie’s gallery. Perhaps she’d offer Lexie and Kate a whipped ice-cream or a cappuccino. She picked up speed and arrived at the gallery in time to bump into Lexie.
‘Hi,’ Lexie said. ‘I was hoping to find you. Kate is happy to stay here on her own for the rest of the afternoon, so I’m escaping.’
‘How lovely,’ Kathleen said.
‘How was this morning? Did you find what you needed?’
‘Yes,’ Kathleen said. ‘Sam was just marvellous. He’s such a darling man, so patient and easy-going. Unlike Jackson, he’s actually good at shopping.’ Out of nowhere, the tears burned once more.
‘Oh, Kathleen,’ Lexie said gently, ‘are you missing him terribly?’
She nodded miserably. ‘I’m meant to be having the trip of a lifetime and I’m trying. Really I am … But I don’t know what’s come over me today …’
‘Hey, it’s totally understandable! You don’t have to explain anything to me. I’d be a basket case without Sam. Tell you what, why don’t we go home now, I’ll put on the kettle and you call Jackson?’
‘What I’d give to do that,’ Kathleen said. Fresh tears fell as she tried to regain her composure.
Lexie glanced at her watch. ‘It’s early morning in the States but I’m sure he won’t mind.’
‘He wouldn’t at all,’ Kathleen said sadly. ‘But I can’t call him, Lexie.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because my darling Jackson died last month.’
Chapter 13
Lexie took Kathleen’s arm and led her back to number three Cashel Square. They could hear Sam and his friend Jeremy laughing and chatting in the basement. ‘They’re happy down there. Let’s go into the kitchen upstairs and have a chat,’ Lexie said.
She made a pot of tea and perched on a chair opposite Kathleen.
‘I’m sorry for making a scene just now. You poor girl! You were in such good form and I had to ruin it all for you by sobbing on
the sidewalk. Ugh! I’m so ashamed.’
‘Kathleen, please! I can’t believe you didn’t tell us before that Jackson had died.’
‘Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I probably should have said something when we first met, but this was our plan, you see.’
‘Go on,’ Lexie said.
‘We knew he was dying. He had a brain tumour. It had been there for years. He did so well for so long. The doctors were wonderful,’ she said. ‘But the mountain got too high for Jackson to climb. He became quite frantic towards the end. He was in such pain but he was so panicked about leaving me alone.’
‘Oh, Kathleen,’ Lexie said, and tears of sympathy poured down her own cheeks.
‘Then he came up with the idea that I should take a vacation here when the time came. He asked me to bring him a laptop and he booked my flights online. It was the last transaction on his credit card before he passed away.’
‘He sounds like a wonderful man, Kathleen.’
‘Oh, he was,’ she said. ‘He was my world. I knew it was going to be incredibly hard without him, but I never dreamed it would be quite so empty. That’s how I feel most of the time, Lexie – empty. It’s like a huge part of me is missing.’
‘Well, it is,’ Lexie said quietly. ‘Jackson was your other half and it must be unbearable that he’s gone.’
Kathleen took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘He said I should come home and revisit my childhood. He wanted me to have a purpose. An agenda. Something to do while I was learning how to live without him.’
‘He was a clever and wise man.’
‘Yes, dear, he was. He also knew I wouldn’t want to assume the role of grieving widow floating around in a black cloak for the rest of my days. So he thought coming here for a few months would exempt me from all of that too.’
‘Wow,’ Lexie said.
‘The day before he slipped into a deep coma, he wagged his finger at me and told me I wasn’t to waste the time I had left. He warned me that he’d come and haunt me if I did.’ She forced a watery smile.
‘Oh, Kathleen, you poor love.’ Lexie hugged her and sniffled. ‘I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this. I’m not helping matters much, am I?’
‘You’re making me feel a lot less silly. It’s good to see you have as much mascara inking your cheeks as I do!’
‘Glad I’m of some service.’ Lexie patted her hand and grinned sheepishly.
‘I’m so delighted to be in Ireland again,’ Kathleen said. ‘I know for a fact it’s easier than being in our home without him. It’s good, also, to avoid the pitying stares of friends who love and miss him too. They’re all so dear to me and I know some of them were totally mystified by my decision to fly away from it all. But Jackson knew me better than I know myself. He made the right call.’
A long pause ensued as both women were caught up in their own thoughts.
‘He gave me tasks to do while I’m here,’ Kathleen added.
‘What sort of tasks?’
‘He asked me what my three favourite memories of Ireland were,’ she said, smiling. ‘The first was salty chips on the beach after a sea swim, with a grey sky above and wind whipping my cheeks.’
‘That happens on most Irish summer days,’ Lexie said.
‘The second was going with my family to Dublin Zoo.’
‘I’d say nearly every Irish man, woman and child does that at some point in their lives,’ Lexie said.
‘The third was a picnic at the lakes of Glendalough, including tea from a jam jar.’
‘Tea from a jam jar?’ Lexie said in surprise. ‘I never had that!’
‘Oh, it’s gorgeous,’ Kathleen said. ‘Especially if it’s cold and miserable out. My mother used to pack the jars in tea towels and we’d savour every drop.’
‘They’re wonderful memories, Kathleen,’ Lexie said.
‘I promised Jackson I would revisit them all. That pleased him no end, but he had to have the last say, so he added one other “task”. I’ve to look up an old friend. I have no remaining family here, so he set me the challenge of finding someone from my past.’
‘He really thought long and hard about what you should do to keep your mind active.’
‘That was Jackson all over.’ She grinned.
‘Well, I’m here to help with the friend-finding if you need me. And if you’d like company along the way with the three other tasks – and you may not – I’d be honoured to join you.’
‘Would you?’ Kathleen’s eyes lit up.
‘Oh, I’d adore it,’ Lexie said, wiping her tears away. ‘You just let me know when and I’ll be there.’
‘Thank you, dear,’ she said, patting Lexie’s cheek. ‘You’re an awesome girl. I’m blessed to have found you. I know Jackson sent me to you. And please don’t start treating me like a widow. That’s why I ran from all the folk I know.’ Kathleen paused. ‘If Jackson and I had been blessed with a daughter I would’ve wanted her to be just like you.’
‘Oh,’ was all Lexie could manage before she dissolved into tears again.
‘We longed for children, you see,’ Kathleen said. ‘For years we hoped we’d be blessed with a son or daughter. I used to dream of how they’d look. Our son would have Jackson’s height. He was six-four with treacle-dark hair and always wore an impeccably pruned thin moustache and goatee beard. I’ve never been a fan of beards per se, but Jackson’s suited him just fine.’
‘He sounds so distinguished,’ Lexie said.
‘Oh, he was. And such a gentleman. He was old school, you know? Believed in holding doors open for ladies and pulling out my chair before we sat to dine. He treated me like I peed port wine!’
‘Oh, dear Lord, that’s not a phrase I’d expect to hear from you.’ Lexie giggled.
‘It was one of Jackson’s favourites. He had a way with words too. He used to say, “Love was invented for me and you.”’
‘That’s so sweet.’
Kathleen twisted a handkerchief in her hands and peered up at Lexie tentatively. ‘If I tell you something will you promise to keep it to yourself?’
‘Of course.’
‘Jackson made me a promise the day before he died. Once he knew I’d come home to Ireland, he told me he’d look after me and be here with me.’
‘And I’ve no doubt he’s with you each and every second of the day,’ Lexie said.
‘Well, I hope so,’ Kathleen said. ‘He said he’d do something else. While I was keeping my side of the bargain and doing my three jobs, he’d do another thing too …’
Lexie was willing her to go on.
‘He instructed me to look for a rainbow on my birthday, his birthday and our wedding anniversary. He says it’ll show me that he’s not actually gone. That he’s simply moved away from the pain and sickness. That although I can’t see him, he hasn’t left me.’
‘Oh, my God, that’s so beautiful,’ Lexie said. ‘Sorry.’ She flapped a hand in front of her face. ‘I’m blubbing again.’
‘My birthday is next week.’
‘No!’
‘Certainly is. And Jackson’s is in July. Our anniversary is August. Summer used to be our time for celebrations and getting together with friends.’
‘Sam and I will make sure you still have some form of merriment. It won’t be the same, but having said that, nothing ever will be again. We’ll try to help you make the best of things.’
Just then Sam and Jeremy appeared, chatting loudly and totally oblivious to the mood in the kitchen.
‘The basement’s much more homely now,’ Sam announced.
‘The bed and wardrobe are in place too,’ Jeremy added. ‘We had to take them apart but they’re all assembled again.’
‘Thank you, both,’ Kathleen said, standing up from the table. If the men noticed she’d been crying, they didn’t show it. ‘Let’s go and take a look,’ she said. Lexie squeezed her arm, and Kathleen winked to let her know she was okay.
The basement was transformed. The furniture, colourful rugs and accessories Kathleen h
ad chosen were perfect.
Lexie whistled. ‘Wow! You should go into interior designing. This is so fresh and bright. I love the lime-green and cream accents. Nicely chosen, guys.’
The men decided to leave them to it, so Lexie and Kathleen were alone again. ‘I’ll help you make your bed,’ Lexie offered.
‘Thank you for being so thoughtful,’ Kathleen said. ‘I need to say something to you.’
‘What is it?’
‘I’m a little nervous now. I can’t help feeling I shouldn’t have told you about Jackson’s promise with the rainbows. It probably won’t happen and I don’t want you to think badly of him. No matter what, he loved me.’
‘Kathleen, you don’t need to say that! I can tell from the way you talk about him that you were both so much in love,’ she said. ‘You don’t ever have to justify your love or his for you.’
‘Thank you.’ Kathleen looked well and truly exhausted. ‘I think I might take a nap, if that’s all right with you?’
‘It’s your home for the summer. You do exactly as you please. I’ll help you fix up your bed and I’m out of here. Sam and I will be around and about, so pop up if you feel like it. I’ve to go to the supermarket at some stage, so I’m guessing you’d like to get some provisions too.’
‘That’d be great, thank you.’
They swiftly made the bed and parted company. Lexie strode up the stairs to join Sam and Jeremy, who were having a cool drink in the garden.
She plonked herself into the soft cushion of the basket-weave garden chair.
‘I’m out of here unfortunately,’ Jeremy said, glancing at his watch. ‘Hannah will kill me if I’m not home soon. We’re off to the park for a late picnic lunch.’
‘Give my love to Hannah and baby Aoife,’ Lexie said. ‘How are they?’
‘Great, thanks!’ Jeremy said. ‘Aoife is probably a little too young to go on the swings or anything like that, but we’re dying to do family stuff, so we’ll bring her playmat and hopefully she’ll enjoy the sounds of the other kids. And who knows?’ Jeremy continued, with a glint in his eye. ‘Maybe she’ll have a little friend to play with at some point.’
The Summer Guest Page 11