Healing Minds (The Shifter Chronicles 5)

by M. D. Grimm

  Xavier continued to stare at him with those intelligent gold-green eyes. Weariness and misery replaced the darkness.

  “No, I didn’t shift,” Xavier said a moment later. “But I wanted to. Fenris, how I wanted to. I wanted to rip those two shifters apart. I wanted to gorge on their flesh. The voice….”

  Xavier let go completely and sat heavily on the bed. Josh sat next to him, wanting nothing more than to understand. To understand so he could help. Xavier stared at his hands where they dangled between his legs.

  “I am such a selfish bastard,” Xavier said angrily.

  Josh blinked in surprise. “What?”

  “I kidnapped you.” Xavier ran his fingers through his hair, yanking some strands loose from his ponytail. “I fucking kidnapped you. Bribed you. Threatened you.”

  “No, you didn’t! Xavier―”

  “Shut up!” Xavier barked.

  Josh jerked back.

  Xavier growled low in his throat. “You should leave, Josh. Leave now before I hurt you.”

  Josh’s hands clenched into fists. His jaw tightened. “Is that a threat? Do you plan on hurting me?”

  “No!” Xavier raised his head. His eyes were wide. And they were scared. “No, I don’t plan on hurting you. But, fuck, I didn’t plan on murdering shifters, did I? I didn’t plan on getting captured by those damn Knights, either. But I did. It happened. And now I’m fucked up because of it. Well, I’m not hurting you because of it.”

  Xavier stood. Josh jumped to his feet.

  “I’m not leaving,” Josh said softly, hearing the steel in his own voice.

  Xavier shook his head, fury and shame tightening his face. “Damn it, Josh. This isn’t negotiable. I should have just left you at the substation.”

  “We had a deal!” Josh shouted. Xavier flinched. If he wasn’t so angry, Josh might have been amazed that this ferocious shifter was afraid of him.

  Josh poked his index finger hard into Xavier’s chest. “You and I made a deal, Xavier. I never break my deals. I have a duty, you jerk. I’m going to do what’s right by you, and damn you for trying to shove me away.” He barely noticed that several items in the room, the lamps, the TV, the clothes, and even the soap bars in the bathroom, were slowly rising, reacting to his temper. They floated, trembling in the air, a fact which didn’t escape Xavier’s notice.

  “You need me, you bastard, and you know it. You need me to shut that cursed voice up. Who knows what that voice might get you to do if I’m not here? You can’t take that chance. We can’t take that chance. I won’t allow you to kill anyone else. By God, don’t you have enough blood on your hands?”

  Josh panted, his body trembling. But as he focused on his breathing, on calming his thoughts, he noticed the floating items in the room and cursed viciously. He closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down. Sounds of things hitting the floor or crashing to the tables met his ears as he opened his eyes. Nothing was broken, but some were maybe a little dented.

  Josh continued to glare at Xavier, though most of his anger faded. Xavier was just as scared as he was, and that was a revelation in itself.

  “We can’t let others get hurt if I can prevent it,” Josh said. “So just drop this.”

  Xavier swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. The silence between them stretched out until Josh knew he needed to say something.

  “My ability is telekinesis,” Josh said. He looked around, feeling sheepish. “If you hadn’t noticed.”

  Xavier gave an almost self-conscious grin, the tension in the room broken.

  “You know,” Xavier said softly, “you’re kinda hot when you’re angry.”

  Josh stared.

  Xavier waggled his eyebrows, his grin turning into a leer. Josh felt laughter bubble up and couldn’t contain it. He let it come. It felt good to laugh. Xavier chuckled with him.

  Josh punched Xavier’s shoulder. “You’re a jerk.”

  Xavier nodded. “So you said.”

  Josh sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “Can we eat now? I’m starving.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  Chapter Six

  Xavier lay in bed, listening to the steady rhythm of Josh breathing. He stared at the ceiling, his mind unable to switch off. The voice had receded to the back of his mind, and he hoped it stayed there for a good, long while. Xavier replayed Josh’s words in his head, and he couldn’t help but feel amazed at the loyalty and courage in the man’s words. Josh was afraid, that was obvious, but he still stood up to Xavier. He’d taken control, and Xavier felt put in his place. The telekinesis was a surprise. Xavier didn’t remember Josh telling him that in the substation. All those things floating in the air, and Josh glaring at him, had been rather intimidating.

  Smiling slightly, Xavier considered Josh in the dark. The Agency aide was fighting to stay by his side. Xavier felt affection for the ginger. Or, at least, a deeper affection. He’d already felt close to Josh after the aide arrived at the substation and started talking, started pushing the voice back. Then Xavier began to await Josh’s arrival with anticipation, excitement. Now he felt undeserving that Josh was here with him, determined to help him. Stay with him. Xavier knew, in his gut if not his memories, that no one ever had before, not with such intensity. The memories of his past life were leaking back faster now, and in the dark they came as images, snatches of conversation. Part of him was thrilled; the other part was apprehensive. Did he want to know who he was before his capture? Knowing all his abilities, all his instincts, did he really want to know the criminal he’d once been?

  Xavier rolled over on his side, his back to Josh, and stared at the wall. He closed his eyes, knowing he needed sleep. He still worried the voice would haunt his dreams, make him shift, but he couldn’t stay awake indefinitely. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, Xavier willed his mind to quiet. Just a few hours, that was all he needed.

  Xavier sat straight up in bed. He shuddered and rubbed his face. At the sound of a door opening, he jerked his head up. Josh stepped out of the bathroom and froze. It was still dark, though Xavier could see clearly that Josh only had a T-shirt and briefs on. He swallowed hard and forced himself to look away.

  “Xavier, what’s wrong?” Josh asked gently. He walked closer, and Xavier stared at his hands.

  “I remember. Everything.”

  “Remember? Remember what?” Josh’s voice was still gentle, calm. He sat down on the edge of Xavier’s bed, a comfortable distance away. Although Xavier wanted him closer.

  “Before the Knights and… I remember who I was.”

  “That’s great!” Josh scooted a little closer. “Isn’t it?”

  Xavier smiled bitterly. “Maybe. If I wanted to know what an asshole I was.”

  Josh tilted his head. “Not exactly a role model, huh?”

  “Not in the least. I was a robber. A fucking robber. I stole from banks, museums. I even robbed houses. I committed credit card fraud and….” Xavier shook his head in disbelief. “And I used people. Used them and dropped them. I didn’t care who I hurt.”

  Josh was silent. Xavier was ashamed. He was glad it was dark. His guts were twisted in oily knots, and he rubbed his stomach. His wolf paced and whimpered, knowing his distress.

  “I remember my pack.” Xavier forced himself to continue. He might as well get it all out at once. “They were, well, militaristic is the best word to use. Paramilitary. They trained me like a soldier. That’s why I know weapons, martial arts, how to stay off the grid. They weren’t very affectionate. I was never a son, I was a soldier.”

  Josh touched his hand gently. Xavier twitched. He swallowed with difficulty. He cleared his throat and pushed back the tears that burned in his eyes.

  “I left them. They disowned me, but not before I disowned them. I hated them, Josh. I hated my own pack. They never wanted me, and I decided I never wanted them. Didn’t need anyone and… bloody Fenris.” Xavier ran his fingers through his hair, gripping it, tugging it. “Fenris. You asked about that. You know that Fenris
was the enormous wolf in Norse mythology? One of the harbingers of Ragnarok?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, my pack sort of, I guess, worshipped him as a wolf god. At least they sought to emulate him, in ways.”

  “Oh. Uh, wow. That’s… not scary at all.”

  Xavier snorted. “They are scary. They’re extreme, prepared, paranoid. Cultists.” He let out a large breath. “I wish I didn’t know any of this.”

  “Don’t say that,” Josh whispered. He tightened his fingers around Xavier’s hand. “Now that you know where you came from, you can truly start fresh. You don’t have to be the man you were before. This is your chance to do something else. To be someone else.”

  Xavier turned his hand over and curled his fingers around Josh’s hand. He held it tightly. “Maybe. I didn’t feel anything, Josh. I didn’t care for anyone but myself. I only had myself. The only thing that mattered were my needs, my wants. Everyone else… they were just tools. Just like I was a tool to my pack.” He swallowed hard. “I was a monster. By Fenris, did the Knights bring out the real beast inside me?”

  “Don’t say that!”

  Anger sparked in Josh’s blue eyes, the dark unable to dim his light.

  “Xavier, you listen to me. Everyone is capable of killing. Everyone. We all have the potential. But murder? Murder of innocents? Delighting in the slaughter of those who haven’t done you any wrong? Are you telling me you’re the type of person who could do that? Before they captured you, and now? Forget the time between, Xavier, when you weren’t in control of yourself. Think about who you were then and who you are now.”

  Xavier stared into his eyes, too shocked by Josh’s outrage to answer. He was in a deep pit of despair, and no matter how hard he climbed, how near the surface seemed, he couldn’t get out. He couldn’t escape his cage. His prison. But there was a light. A small but bright light that was beckoning him to try and escape.

  “Did you kill anyone just for kicks before they found you? Did you?”

  Xavier shook his head.

  “Well? Shouldn’t that tell you something? If you never contemplated murder, or killing as an easier way to get someone out of your way, I think that answers your question.” Josh squeezed his hand again. “They screwed with your mind, Xavier. Place the blame on them. You might have been a cold bastard before they found you, but you weren’t a murderous, cold bastard. Okay?”

  Josh knocked Xavier on his ass. Again. The passion in his voice, in his words, rendered Xavier speechless. The sheer confidence Josh had in Xavier’s innocence was enough for his eyes to burn hotter, his throat to close. He simply stared at Josh, their hands gripping each other’s. He vaguely realized he was leaning forward. He focused on Josh’s lips, his slightly open mouth. If Josh was such a passionate person… wouldn’t that extend to all parts of his life? His actions? Xavier suddenly, desperately, wanted to find out.

  But even as he was tilting his head, inches from finding out what Josh tasted like, the man leapt to his feet. Xavier followed the movement as Josh stood, trembling. His breaths were shaky, and his eyes were wide.

  “We’re―we’re making progress. With―with your memories, I mean. Your recovery. Right.” Josh spun away and moved toward his own bed. He pulled on his jeans, and Xavier watched, frustrated. But now that Josh was across the room, Xavier’s rational mind reasserted itself. He was an idiot. Of course Josh didn’t want to kiss him. Josh might be on his side, but the man still knew what Xavier had done. What those filthy Knights had made him do.

  Fury suddenly bubbled up, and Xavier clenched the sheets, his jaw tightening.

  “I’m going to kill them all,” Xavier whispered.

  “What?”

  Xavier stood, and his blood heated. “I’m going to slaughter all of them, Josh. No one will be able to identify the bodies.”

  “Whoa, there―”

  “They stole my life,” Xavier growled. “They stole fucking years from my life and made me their tool! They made me slaughter my own species! You think I’m just going to stand here and not do anything?”

  “Xavier, stop!” Josh stood in front of him. Xavier snarled down at him, his mind now on revenge. Bloodshed. The Knights deserved what he would give them. They deserved to have their beast turned on them. If anyone deserved killing….

  “I’ll be the monster they wanted me to be. I’ll show them what they unleashed.” Xavier grabbed his shirt and tugged it on. He grabbed his shoes with nothing but death on his mind. It didn’t matter that he didn’t have a clue where to start or that this was certainly not part of their deal. It didn’t matter.

  “Xavier, I said stop!” Josh gripped his arm. “The Agency has already taken down the Knights. Do you hear me? They’re scattered. They’ll be harder to find now if you don’t know where to look.”

  “Then you’ll help me.”

  Josh scowled. “No, I won’t. That wasn’t part of the deal.”

  “You agreed to help me!”

  “Help you get your brain screwed back on right. Not to help you kill!”

  Xavier growled and opened his mouth, but the voice suddenly leapt to the forefront of his mind. He gasped and gripped his head, stumbling away from Josh.

  “Xavier―”

  “Damn you! Damn you, you fucking―” There were no words that could describe Xavier’s loathing for those who had messed with him. He fell to his knees, shaking, his skin rippling. The voice was bellowing now, ordering him to kill.

  “No! No, you fucker, I won’t!”

  Warm arms come around him. Those arms might be skinny, but they were strong. His nose filled with the sweet and musky scent of Josh.

  Xavier gasped. “Josh, run!”

  “Not a chance,” Josh said fiercely. “You need me.” Then he began to talk. Xavier couldn’t make out the words, but that didn’t matter. The more he talked, the more the voice lost its power. Josh held him even as Xavier’s skin continued to ripple, even as his wolf clawed at his insides, wanting to obey the voice. He fought against his own wolf, and it broke his heart. He shouldn’t be fighting his wolf, his brother spirit! But even as his anger rose, he knew he needed to fight that as well. It was anger and bloodlust that triggered the voice.

  Breathing carefully, shaking uncontrollably, Xavier gripped Josh tightly, forcing himself to focus on the man’s voice. Forcing his wolf to listen as well. It was gradual, painful, and his eyes burned with tears of agony. His head throbbed and burned, feeling compressed. But eventually, the voice faded, his wolf calmed, and Josh’s voice came in loud and clear.

  “… focus on you, Xavier.” His voice trembled slightly. “Forget the Knights for now. Your mind has to be sound. You have to be in control of yourself. It’s obvious anger triggers the voice. You just have to remain calm.”

  Xavier slumped against Josh, his head on the man’s shoulder, his arms limp, lying on the floor. His breathing was harsh but Josh’s voice and the strength of his hold never wavered. Xavier closed his eyes.

  “I’m okay.” His voice was raspy.

  Josh stopped talking. Then he sighed heavily and rubbed his back. Xavier acutely remembered the shocking hug Josh had given him when he’d returned after the grocery store incident. Xavier had been frozen to the spot, unbelieving. There’d been no hesitation on Josh’s part, no fear in his eyes. Only worry. Worry for his well-being. And then that hug, those concerned questions.

  It was the first time, the first real evidence that Josh cared. It wasn’t just the deal that motivated Josh’s actions—it was that he cared. Truly, deeply, cared what happened to Xavier. He lifted his arms and wrapped them around Josh’s waist.

  Xavier realized as well that he cared about what happened to Josh. No one would ever harm him. Ever. Xavier would protect Josh with his life. Propelled by those thoughts, by his feelings, Xavier lifted his head, met Josh’s gaze.

  And kissed him.

  Chapter Seven

  This wasn’t part of the plan. Josh froze as Xavier’s lips pressed against his mouth.
Why was he allowing this? Why was he… hell, what a kiss. Josh’s eyes fluttered closed as Xavier changed the kiss, tilting his head. There was a little bit of suction, massaging, and his taste. Josh’s stomach filled with butterflies as he reached up and cupped Xavier’s face. Xavier gripped Josh’s back, pressing his fingers into his shoulders. He kept changing the kiss, keeping Josh on his toes. There was no tongue, not yet. Josh really wanted it.

  Then Xavier pulled back and sanity reasserted itself. Josh gasped and slapped a hand over his mouth. What the hell was he doing? No one in the Agency ever had relations with a shifter! That was, like, their number one rule! Agents didn’t have relationships, period, and if Josh wanted to become an agent….

  Josh shoved Xavier back. Xavier didn’t resist. The shifter fell back on his butt, and Josh stood.

  How could he even consider throwing everything away on a shifter? He wanted to be an agent. That was it. That was all. He was here to help the shifter, not… anything else. Hormones, it was all just hormones and the tense situation they found themselves in. They were in close quarters, and it was obvious they were attracted to each other. Though how someone like Xavier could be attracted to him was beyond Josh. Xavier had the handsome rogue bad-boy persona down pat.

  “That shouldn’t have happened,” Josh said firmly. He calmed his breathing and stared down at Xavier.

  “You’re right.” Xavier nodded.

  So why do I want to do it again? Josh cleared his throat and walked away.

  Xavier stood. “I’m sorry.”

  “Forget about it.” Not that Josh would. Or could. He got back into bed and curled up. He didn’t think he’d fall asleep again, but he closed his eyes anyway. The night had quiet, soothing noises, but none of it lulled him. That kiss still burned his lips. He could still acutely feel Xavier’s arms around him. The press of that rangy body against his like a phantom enveloping him. He pushed his face into the pillow and wanted to scream into it.