by M. D. Grimm
He loved Josh. He was capable of loving Josh. Xavier never thought he was capable of loving anyone. Josh proved him wrong. Beautiful, wonderful, talkative Josh. Xavier slipped his hands under Josh’s shirt, feeling skin, relishing the man’s warmth. Josh shuddered, his own kiss hot and needy. Josh slipped his hands down Xavier’s back, his fingers digging into his skin. His bruised ribs protested at the pressure, and Xavier ignored them. They were insignificant right now. He moved slightly and managed to push Josh down on the seat. He covered him completely, never once breaking the kiss.
He wrenched the useless blanket away, wanting Josh as naked as himself. He’d noticed the appreciation in Josh’s eyes when the man had seen him naked. He’d heard the quick inhalation of breath. Now, he wanted to see what was under those simple clothes. He wanted to feel and to grind and to touch.
But even as his hand fought with the zipper of Josh’s jeans, Josh pushed against him. Confused, he lifted his head, his hand cupping Josh’s obvious erection. Josh panted, his face flushed, his blue eyes bright and needy. He was beautiful, in his own way.
“We can’t do this,” Josh whispered. His voice trembled and it was arousing.
“Yes, we can. We already are,” Xavier murmured, hearing the roughness in his own voice. He gently squeezed Josh’s bulge and smiled when Josh moaned and his eyes fluttered shut.
Xavier swooped down and attacked Josh’s neck, finding more freckles there. Did they cover his entire body? It intrigued him to find out.
“Wait, Xavier.” Josh pushed against him again.
Xavier growled in frustration before raising his head again. Josh’s eyes were slightly glassy, and his lips were swollen.
“I can’t do this,” he said. “I want to be an agent. Agents can’t―”
“You’re not an agent yet,” Xavier growled. He was done with talking. He wanted Josh like he wanted to take his next breath. His entire body craved his touch. His wolf howled with need, the desire to mate.
Josh’s eyes cleared, and his hands on Xavier’s shoulders were firm.
“Listen to me, Xavier. You don’t want me. You just―”
Xavier barked out a laugh. “I don’t want you? Are you fucking serious?” He sat up and looked pointedly at his hard and throbbing erection. Josh’s eyes followed his gaze, and it pleased him when Josh’s face flushed darker. Yet Josh’s face remained set and determined.
“Xavier, you just want me because of what I do for you. I keep the voice at bay. I’m happy to do it. I’m happy to help. But you can’t mistake that for anything deeper.”
Is he fucking kidding?
Xavier fisted his hands. He forced himself to take calming breaths. He could see the fear in Josh’s eyes despite his efforts to keep it hidden. Xavier still scented Josh’s arousal and despite wanting to reach for him again, to drown him in pleasure, he kept his hands to himself.
“Josh, I think it’s about time you listened to me.”
“Xavier―”
“No!” he barked. “My turn.”
Josh gulped.
“I have kept silent for your sake, but I can’t any longer. I think I started falling for you the moment you entered that room where I was caged, the moment you opened your mouth and began to speak to me. You told me your fears, your desires. You told me what was happening in the wide world and what the weather would be like. You told me stories, legends, tales from history. You spoke to me. You were always so kind. You pushed the voice back. You drowned it out, Josh. Don’t you understand? You managed to have power over it. Your voice was louder than it was.” Xavier gripped Josh’s hands. They were cold. Josh was pale. Xavier forced himself to continue. “You’ve continued to help me from that point until now. You’ve stuck by my side. Despite your instincts, despite your fear. You still have power over the voice, Josh. And over me. You took more than just the voice away. You gave me something back. My mind. My heart. My self.”
Tears ran down Josh’s face. Xavier wiped them gently away with his thumbs, amazed at his own desire to be tender and loving.
“I want to start fresh, Josh. I want to begin a whole new life. I want to know what it’s like to be normal. I want to know what it’s like to love. And to be loved.”
“Xavier,” Josh whispered. “Don’t.”
Xavier’s heart quivered, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. He had to do this. For himself. For Josh. For them.
“Josh, I’m sorry to do this to you but―”
“Then don’t do it!” Josh hissed and tried to pull his hands away. Xavier gripped them tightly.
“Josh. I love you.”
Josh’s face fell, and he hunched his shoulders. He shook his head. “No.”
“Yes.” Xavier didn’t know what to think of Josh’s resistance. He supposed he should have expected it. He knew how much becoming an agent meant to Josh. But he couldn’t stay silent any longer. He knew now what love was, and he felt it, deep in his bones. For the first time in his life, he felt that strange emotion that made a person vulnerable and yet powerful at the same time. He couldn’t feel it in his previous life―he’d never allowed himself to. Maybe it was because of his pack’s upbringing, maybe it was because his heart had been hardened, he didn’t know. But this time, it hadn’t been his choice. He’d felt it and now he decided to embrace it.
“I’m in love with you, Josh. Stay with me.”
Josh’s shoulders trembled. He was crying. Not knowing what the tears meant, Xavier held Josh gently, stroking his back. He kissed his temple and nuzzled his neck.
“I’ve told you what I want, Josh.” Xavier kept his voice gentle. His wolf wanted to force Josh to submit. Xavier knew he needed to be delicate about this. “Now it’s up to you to decide what you want.”
Josh said nothing. Xavier gingerly got out of the truck and dressed. He walked around to the driver’s side and got in. Josh slid over to the passenger’s side, not looking at him. Xavier started the truck and turned back onto the road.
Chapter Ten
Josh was torn. He didn’t like the feeling. Xavier was driving, and that left Josh to stare out the passenger window, his mind chaotic.
Love. Xavier loved him. Was in love with him. What was he supposed to do with that? What would happen if he rejected Xavier? Would the shifter withdraw from the world, shut himself completely out like he did in his previous life? Would he fall victim to the dreaded voice once more? What would happen if Josh said yes?
Josh squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out the view of fields and houses dotting the flat landscape. He knew one thing that would happen. He’d lose the Agency. He’d lose the one family he had. What would he do with his life without the Agency? How would he make it in the world? He had no notable skills to speak of―nothing that any other office drone didn’t have. The economy nowadays wasn’t conducive to job searching. But was that the only thing keeping him away from Xavier? That was incredibly weak and pitiful if it were true. No, it wasn’t just the thought of starting a new life without the Agency―though that was truly terrifying―it was the fact that he’d never had a relationship before. Never even had sex before.
No one had ever chosen him over anyone else. The Agency had chosen him, sure, but that was different. They’d chosen him to be part of a team, a unit. Another face in a sea of thousands. Another cog in the wheel. He’d accepted that because he had belonged. But now….
Josh glanced at Xavier’s profile. He wouldn’t be a cog with Xavier. He would be a mate. He would be Xavier’s mate. It was a role Josh didn’t know if he could fill.
This entire situation was already complicated, but now it reached an entirely new level of messed-up.
Josh forced himself to look away. He still felt, acutely, Xavier’s arms around him. His lips still burned with the force of the shifter’s kisses. Those hands were strong, firm, especially the one that had cupped him. Josh squeezed his legs together. Those incredible eyes, the gold overpowering the green, had lit up with such lust, Josh had responded helplessly. He also couldn�
��t shake the image of that large, hard cock standing at attention, eager and willing. His face heated and he cursed himself.
They were getting closer to the Mojave Desert outside of Las Vegas. Xavier said they would spend the night at a motel and enter the desert in the morning. Josh’s heart started pounding harder. They would be out there, alone, just the two of them. No buffer. Nothing to keep Josh’s mind focused, nothing to stop Xavier from advancing.
His mouth dried. He forced himself to take a deep breath. He told himself not to be a coward.
“Xavier, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to form an attachment to me.” Josh kept his voice steady, reasonable. But he couldn’t look Xavier in the face. “If nothing happens between us, I don’t want you to… descend back into your madness. You can’t… I don’t think it’s fair of you to put that on me. I’m glad my voice helps you, really glad, but that’s a lot of pressure. What if I… can’t be what you need? If I told you no, would you relapse?”
Xavier tilted his head slightly, still watching the road. “You have a point. And you’re right. But your voice isn’t the only reason I love you. It’s a part, sure, mostly because you gave me back my mind, and I don’t plan on losing that again. Though it’s not the full reason.”
“Then why? Why do you think you love me?”
Xavier smirked. “It’s not really love, is it, if I have to quantify it and list out your attributes? You’re you. That’s enough for me.”
Josh swallowed hard, struggling against burning eyes.
“Besides, I admire you,” Xavier said softly. “You’re a good person. I want to be like you when I grow up.”
That startled a laugh out of Josh.
“You’ve been a good friend. I’ve never had one of those before.”
Josh turned away and rubbed his eyes. Though Xavier’s words touched Josh deeply, he couldn’t let up. He needed to make Xavier see reason.
“Thank you, for saying all that. But I think it would still be best if we just kept our distance. If we could just work on getting your head on straight, defeating the voice, and forgetting about… other things.”
Xavier was silent for several minutes. Josh was unnerved by it. He kept his mouth shut and realized he was getting better at doing that. He was usually a motormouth when he was nervous, but this trip had certainly taught him self-control.
“That sounds reasonable,” Xavier said abruptly.
Josh smiled slightly, even as his heart shuddered painfully. Stupid heart.
“There is a problem, however, in that reasoning.”
Josh frowned. He dared a glance at Xavier. “What?”
“I’m already in love with you, babe. That won’t be changing.”
Josh stared down at his fisted hands. “You’re making this harder than it has to be.”
“Funny, I thought that was what you were doing.”
Josh gritted his teeth. He looked at Xavier, who still stared at the road. “Xavier, I’m sorry. I want to become an agent. I don’t want―”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Josh said heatedly.
“Why do you want to become an agent?”
Josh sighed impatiently. “The Agency is an organization that helps shifters. They keep them hidden from the rest of the ignorant population. They―”
“I know that.” Xavier’s voice hardened. “I asked why you want to become an agent.”
What was Xavier driving at? “I want to help shifters. The Agency―”
“You are helping shifters. You’re helping me. You stopped me from killing that bull shifter, didn’t you?”
Josh glared. “Would you stop interrupting me? You asked me a question, and I’m answering it.”
“You haven’t.”
“Yes, I have! Weren’t you listening?”
“You said you wanted to help shifters. You said the Agency helps shifters. But you don’t need the Agency to help. You’re proving that right now.”
Josh opened his mouth. Then he shut it. His stomach wiggled unpleasantly. Josh stared straight ahead. “You’re twisting my words.”
“No, merely trying to understand your reasoning. Why did you join the Agency in the first place?”
Josh swallowed hard, feeling like he was in an interrogation room. He should just keep silent. He didn’t owe Xavier any explanation. His reasons were his own. And yet… maybe if he gave the shifter the answers he was pressing for, Xavier would leave him alone.
“I’m an orphan,” Josh said bluntly. “I wanted family. A home. I was in foster homes until I was eighteen. Captain Odin came to see me on my birthday. He gave me a choice. I chose the Agency. They gave me a purpose and they accepted me. They’re my family, Xavier.”
Xavier nodded slowly. “I understand, Josh. I really do. Family is important. I only realize that now. I also realize that severing my ties with mine allowed me to be so easily taken.”
Xavier’s face was pale, drawn. He looked tired. Josh’s heart filled with compassion and some guilt.
“I was alone, Josh,” Xavier said quietly. “No one… no one missed me.”
Unable to stop himself, Josh reached over and gripped Xavier’s arm. Xavier’s hand covered Josh’s, just like it had done before. It was larger than his own, covering it completely. Protecting it. The rough palms scraped over his skin, and Josh suddenly had a too-vivid image of where else they could scrape.
“No one looked for me. No one knew I was missing. I have been unknown my entire life. Lonely. Only now, looking back, do I see just how empty my life was. I thought I had it made. No connections, nothing to drag me down. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. But it was just a way to cover up how miserable I felt.”
Josh squeezed Xavier’s arm, wishing he could offer more comfort. The feeling that they were connected washed over him again. That sense of familiarity, of knowing―soul-knowing. It was ridiculous, but Josh couldn’t shake it.
Two lost souls. Both of them searching for purpose and reason, a family, a home.
He tried to remove his hand, and Xavier gripped it.
“I want a home, Josh. I want a family. I want a normal life, to work a nine-to-five job and come home and veg out in front of the TV. I want to sleep in late on the weekends and make love each and every night. Don’t you want that?”
Josh felt the sudden desire to have just that. With Xavier.
“I want to give you a home, Josh.” Xavier met Josh’s gaze. Those green-gold eyes flashed with desire, determination, and persistence. “I can give you a home. A purpose. You can belong with me. You can still help shifters. We can help them. Help those affected by the Knights. Help those who don’t fit in with their packs or herds. We can give them a home, together.”
Josh’s eyes widened. Xavier planted the seed, and it grew rapidly in Josh’s mind. He envisioned a large home, enough for living areas as well as a couple of offices. There would be spare rooms for those who needed someplace to crash. They could offer counseling to those shifters taken by the Knights. Josh knew there must be many, with various mental, physical, and emotional problems. Their families could come with them, stay with them, in that house. Josh knew the Agency didn’t have the time or manpower to continue counseling for those unfortunate shifters. They would be focused on rounding up the rest of the Knights. But Josh could counsel them. Xavier could connect with them, having been tormented at the Knights’ hands.
Then the vision popped. Josh was still sitting in the truck, his hand on Xavier’s arm, his entire body trembling. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.
“That’s a nice thought,” he finally said. “But….”
“But?” Xavier said quietly. His tone was gentle, persuading.
Suddenly exhausted, Josh leaned his forehead against Xavier’s shoulder. He let out a long, heartfelt sigh. “How long have you been thinking about this?”
“Just now, actually,” Xavier said. “When you were telling me why the Agency means so much to you. I thought of the Knights, and if the Agenc
y has dismantled their organization, then their prisoners will need all the help they can get.”
“You want to help them?”
“I’ve been given a second chance. I don’t want to waste it.”
Josh lifted his head and met Xavier’s gaze. He suddenly understood Xavier’s deeper motivation. “You want to make up for what you did. Even though it wasn’t really you.”
Xavier smiled slightly. It was sad. “Don’t you think I have to?”
Something hot and strong bloomed inside Josh’s heart. He stared into those amazing eyes, his heart straining toward Xavier. It certainly beat faster, pounding against his ribs, wanting to escape. He moved his hand and trailed it up Xavier’s arm, to his shoulder, up his neck, then to rest against his cheek. Josh realized he always wanted to stare into those eyes, during the day, during the night. Always.
“You think you have to. I won’t argue with that. It’s a good idea, Xavier.” He paused. He tapped his finger to Xavier’s forehead. “We just have to make sure everything’s okay up there first.”
Xavier’s smile turned to a grimace. “Yeah, I know.”
Josh returned his hand to Xavier’s cheek. “It’s a selfless idea. I’d like to be part of it.”
Xavier seemed to hold his breath. Josh vaguely realized they had stopped driving. They were stopped in the middle of a deserted road. Trembling, and not a little scared, Josh leaned in and kissed Xavier gently on the lips. Xavier never shut his eyes. He stared at Josh as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
Josh smiled. It was funny how life worked. He thought he wanted one thing but realized that something even better was around the corner. Something wonderfully better.
“It’s such a good idea that I wish I’d thought of it myself.”
Xavier felt his wolf chuff in contentment. He happened to agree. It was nice that he and his wolf were starting to see things the same way and agree about what they wanted. The foremost of that was having Josh as a mate. His mate was currently leaning against him in the cab of the truck. Both arms were wrapped around one of his, and Josh lay with his cheek resting on Xavier’s shoulder. His eyes were closed, and his steady breathing told Xavier he was dozing. Xavier couldn’t remember being happier in his life. Josh’s body heat seeped through Xavier’s clothing, warming him pleasantly. Despite the heat outside, Xavier wouldn’t have Josh move for the world. Josh was his now. He knew he was. After Xavier mentioned his idea of a counseling center, he’d seen the love in Josh’s eyes. It was simply there, unshielded, naked to his gaze. He wasn’t completely sure if Josh realized he’d lowered that barrier between them, but Josh must have known something had happened. Josh would never have curled so close to him if he still had doubts, if he was still torn. Josh had made his decision, and Xavier was determined to keep him to that decision.