by Thalia Lark
‘Who, Alex?’
‘No, Nicole Kidman.’
‘Very funny. Well, Alex is…cocky.’
‘Sort of balances you out then, doesn’t she?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, she has lots of self-confidence, and despite your tough outer shell, you’re really vulnerable. So she balances you out.’ She turned her head and raised her eyebrows at me. ‘Don’t argue with me on this one. Future psychological profiler, remember? And I’ve had a whole five months to evaluate your personality now.’
I rolled my eyes but smiled. ‘So you don’t mind that I…you know, have a girlfriend?’
‘Are you seriously asking me that question right now? Of course I don’t mind. This is the twenty-first century, for heaven’s sake.’
‘Please don’t tell anyone else yet. I’m still working on that. I wasn’t even planning on telling you today. It just sort of…happened.’
‘Well, I’m glad that it happened. It’s nice to be able to trust someone with stuff like that – and I’ll tell you from personal experience that it’s just as nice being the one who’s trusted.’ She smiled at me knowingly, and then she paused and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before continuing. ‘Can I ask why you don’t want anyone else knowing? I mean…what are you afraid of happening?’
I was silent for a moment, and then took a deep, slow breath and shrugged. ‘I don’t really know. It’s – it’s just like I’m standing on this thin sheet of glass at the moment, over this huge dark chasm. And if I add just one more bit of stress, just one more item to worry about, just one more thing that needs dealing with, the glass will crack, and I’ll…’
‘Fall in?’
‘Yeah.’
Lori half-smiled and squeezed my hand in hers encouragingly. ‘I understand. Just remember though, that there’s always a way out somewhere. Usually cable cars for a situation like that, but you could also get away with a very long rope.’
‘Ha, ha.’
‘So what are you going to do about the video thing? Courtney shouldn’t be allowed to get away with what she did.’
I shrugged. ‘She has a picture of me and Alex, and she said she’ll put it up in the next assembly if I snitch about the video.’
‘So we just let it go?’
I took a deep breath, my chest rising and falling as I turned my gaze back to the ceiling and nodded slowly. ‘For now there’s not really much else I can do. Unless you happen to have a very long rope.’
‘How long do you need it?’
‘Pretty long. It’ll get shorter though. I just need some time.’
Busted
The weekend was not particularly pleasant, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that the video itself was not a big deal. The other students, particularly the younger grades, started giggling and pointing at me whenever I passed, so I kept to the dormitory for the most of the weekend, except for Saturday, when the girls, Harvey, Virgil and Roger invited me down to the French café with them for morning tea. Harvey kept close to Emma and Virgil the whole morning, and said very little directly to me except an awkward “hello” at the start of the trip. I focused my attention on Roger, the only other member of our party without a boyfriend or girlfriend, and tried not to notice the hurt in Harvey’s eyes every time he looked over at us.
‘Preparation for exams underway?’ Roger asked casually, swirling a spoon around his iced tea.
I shrugged as I sliced the icing off my cake with my fork. ‘I suppose.’ I glanced over at him suddenly. Roger was an interesting character, with dark hair and thick glasses, a straightforward, unemotional approach to life, and the kind of contented persona that made me think he’d be single and happy about it his whole life. I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Yeah.’ He glanced up at me with raised eyebrows.
‘Have you…’ I hesitated, and then sighed, staring at my cake miserably. ‘Have you ever screwed a friend over so bad you didn’t think they’d ever forgive you?’
‘Are you talking about what you did to Harvey?’
‘News travels fast.’
‘Then no. I’ve never done anything like that.’
I looked up at him in tentative hope. ‘Do you have any advice?’
He paused to suck up a long mouthful of iced tea, swallowing before gazing at me calmly. ‘Just give him some space,’ he said. ‘He’ll come around.’
I nodded slowly, my mood downcast. Roger always seemed so old-souled and wise, somehow I’d thought he’d be a bit more helpful than that. But maybe he was right. Maybe there really was nothing else I could do. Maybe time was the only useful thing I could give Harvey right then. I just wished the guilt continuously swirling in my stomach would let up a little.
Lori, Emma and I spent the majority of Sunday morning in the library studying under the watchful eye of the librarian, and sat apart from everyone else at lunch to quiz each other as we ate. Life became a bit more interesting as we headed back to our dorm that afternoon, and met Alex and a small group of her friends on their way to the study rooms.
Alex stalled slightly as we passed by each other and met my eyes, motioning her head to the side to follow her as she quietly allowed her friends to carry on without her. I told Lori and Emma I’d catch up with them later, and Lori gave me a knowing wink as she tucked her arm through Emma’s and guided her away. I turned my attention to where Alex was trailing very slowly up the steps to the library, watching me surreptitiously.
I headed towards her and followed her up, assuming she was planning on finding a private niche in the library where we could talk, as she looked like she had something to say. But before we reached the entrance, she suddenly glanced in each direction and slipped furtively into a shadowed alcove in the brick wall, reaching a hand out and gripping my wrist to drag me along after her. I didn’t even have a chance to draw breath before she suddenly pushed me against the wall and started kissing me. I moved my lips with hers as enthusiastically as I could, my cheeks warming involuntarily and my lips tingling as I reached up and brushed my fingers over the skin of her waist, pulling her T-shirt up a fraction. I could feel her warm hands as they caressed my cheeks and then brushed down the sides of my neck, over my shoulders and down my sides. Then suddenly all the rest of the world and the worries I’d been harbouring seemed to melt right away. All I could smell was her shampoo and perfume, and all I could feel was her mouth against mine, her lips urgent and excited and goose bumps rising on her arms as I stroked them.
‘What’s got into you?’ I said, smiling against her mouth.
She frowned and kissed me between words. ‘I’m sick of studying and want to make out. Get over it.’ She cupped her hands around my jaw and pulled my lips back to hers, kissing me fervently until we were both hot and sweaty in the humid shadows of the brick recess. I kissed her back as much as I was able to amidst the sudden and slightly hysterical giggles that were spilling from my teeth. I felt Alex smile against me, and her teeth brush against my lips as she squeezed my waist gently.
‘Alright, it’s funny,’ she said.
‘Just a little.’ I kissed her mouth, smiling, and met her warm hazel eyes in the dim light, which were glittering with excitement. Her cheeks and lips were flushed bright red. I smiled and continued to kiss her gently, moving my lips to her chin and kissing softly up her jaw. She kissed my cheek a few times and then moved her hands back to my face, pulling my mouth to hers and pushing me back against the wall. I felt her upper body press against mine as she tilted her head back and pulled on my lower lip with her teeth, her breasts pressing into mine. Then suddenly she dropped her hand to my thigh and slowly crept around my hip in the shadows. It wasn’t until there was a small gasp from the distant world that had almost ceased to exist that I was suddenly jolted back to reality.
My eyes flickered open in surprise and I turned my head to see a tiny girl with brown plaits and an armful of heavy textbooks staring at us with an open mouth. Her presence
sent such a shock of astonishment through my stomach that I acted impulsively, gripping Alex’s waist and pushing her off me before I’d had chance to think my actions through. ‘Get off,’ I said quietly. ‘Alex, get off.’
The young girl blushed and hurried towards the library with her head down. I frowned as I watched her, and then took a deep breath, pushing my hair off my sticky forehead. I turned to Alex, and my heart sunk suddenly at the unexpected hurt in her face. Looking as hot and flushed as I felt, she pushed back her shoulders and folded her arms over her stomach, narrowing her eyes at me as the familiar arrogance and hardness adorned her face to hide her pain.
‘I can’t believe you just did that.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I sighed. ‘I didn’t mean that. It just came out.’
‘What, like…that was your first instinct? To get me the hell away from you?’ She straightened to her full height. ‘I didn’t realise you had it in you to just push me away after as hot a kiss as that one, just because some stupid little kid saw us. Fucking hell, Juli.’ She exhaled through her nose, her lips pressed tightly together, and then she folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. ‘I’m not really sure where that leaves us now. I mean, I knew you were ashamed of me, but I never thought you’d deny us so – emphatically.’
I clenched my fists. ‘I’m not ashamed of you, Alex. You know that.’
‘Do I? Because you sure just acted like it. If you weren’t ashamed of me you would have just told that kid to rack off. Maybe you would have felt a little embarrassed at first, but you wouldn’t have shoved me as though I was fucking assaulting you or something.’
‘I didn’t shove you that hard.’
Alex shook her head, putting her hands on her hips as her chin dropped to her chest and she looked at the ground. A long moment of silence passed between us, the electric energy that had only a moment ago drawn our bodies together like magnets rapidly torpedoing into nonexistence. ‘This isn’t going to work, is it?’ she said, her tone calmer.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re too insecure, Julianne. That’s what the problem is.’
‘Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?’
‘To be honest, no, I don’t…’ She frowned at me, her expression intense. ‘How am I supposed to believe you when you tell me you love me, if the moment someone dares come close to knowing about us you say that and push me away? Think about where that leaves me. It’s like… It’s like I’m just some toy you can fool around with when it suits you, and then disregard as soon as I become an inconvenience.’
‘You’re being ridiculous. I don’t treat you like that, Alex, and you know it. Why are you making such a big deal about this?’
‘Because you’re making such a big deal about this. You’re making too big a deal of us. You’ve been so paranoid about people finding out about us, it’s honestly starting to feel as though we’re not even going out.’ She continued to shake her head as she talked, her eyes wide and slightly absent. ‘I thought I was fine with it, you know, with being your undercover girlfriend. But I’m not. It’s just too hard, and I don’t think I can do it anymore.’ She waved her hands between us, still shaking her head. ‘It’s just not going to work.’
‘Alex.’ I clenched my teeth briefly, holding my hands up towards her and willing myself to be patient. ‘You are taking this way too seriously. Tomorrow you’ll wake up and realise this was all just some huge overreaction.’
‘I don’t think so. Maybe I am feeling a little crazy today, but everything I said is true. You just don’t understand…’ She looked skywards suddenly, angry tears glistening in her eyes. ‘You have no idea how hard it is to be with someone like you, Juli. Someone who’s too fucking afraid to just admit that we’re together.’
I was going to tell her that I’d told Lori about us, but somehow I couldn’t. My lips refused to part from their rigid line across my face; maybe it was because I was angry, maybe it was because I was too ashamed of the truth of her words to argue.
‘I thought I wanted a relationship with you. Now I’m thinking that would just be the worst mistake in the history of dumb things I’ve ever done.’ She took a step back, looked at me for a long moment as I stood frozen with my shoulders hunched, and then she shrugged her arms in defeat. ‘I don’t want to do this anymore. If you can’t love me openly, then…’ She shrugged again, and then before I could respond she turned and started back towards the staircase.
I felt shell-shocked, stunned that our relationship could come to such an abrupt ending, and for a moment unable to actually believe that it had. Perhaps I was having a nightmare, and any minute now I would wake up and realise it was just a dream. I forced myself to find the will to move, running after her and catching her arm. But Alex only shrugged me off and continued in silence, leaving me lingering at the top of the stairs feeling guiltier and more depressed than I ever had in my life. I gripped the railing with one hand as suddenly the junior girl passed me again, averting her gaze and rushing past having deposited her books back in the library. She turned to glance at me as she headed back towards the dormitories. I shot her a glare and watched her skitter off in fright before I turned, kicked my foot against the railing and headed back to the dorm myself. Lori and Emma both looked at me with concern as I stalked in and crawled into bed without saying anything, but thankfully they didn’t question me.
I faced the wall, lying on my side, and scrunched my hands into tight fists. I was angry at the girl who’d seen us kissing and I was angry at Alex for not understanding, but mostly I was angry at myself. How could I have shoved her off of me like that? I couldn’t imagine the rejection she would have felt at what I’d said to her when that kid had interrupted. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care how she was feeling, that she was a bitch for being so self-centred and not understanding how difficult I was finding life at the moment, but of course I did care. I cared very, very much. And I knew deep down that Alex wasn’t the one with the problem, whether she was feeling overly emotional that day or not. The problem was mine.
I rolled over and looked at the clock on the wall: one thirty-five in the afternoon. I wiped a hand across my face aggressively, feeling tears and hating the fact that they’d appeared without me realising. Knowing this was all too much to keep to myself anymore, I climbed back down my ladder in silence and stole down the hallway. I thought briefly about talking to Lori and Emma about it, but it wasn’t other teenagers’ condolences and opinions I was after. I needed a grown-up, someone I trusted and someone I knew cared about me, someone who would listen with an open ear, without judging, and make me feel as though they could take control of the situation. So I crept down the hallway and hesitated outside Miss Wheaton’s door before taking a deep breath and knocking.
Courage
‘Hello?’ I cracked the door open and peered inside. Miss Wheaton was sitting at a small desk opposite the window, reading in the light of the desk-lamp, wearing glasses, jeans and a sky-blue blouse. She looked confused when she saw me and gestured me inside.
‘What’s the matter?’ she asked, seeing my probably red eyes by then.
I frowned and shrugged, tucking my hands in my pockets. Now that I was facing her, watching the carpet awkwardly and feeling her concerned gaze on my face, I wasn’t sure exactly how to begin. But I was filled with a strong sense of comfort knowing that she was there. I decided to just be direct and get straight to the point, though my voice was unsteady and betrayed the fear suddenly fluttering in my chest.
‘Miss Wheaton,’ I said. ‘I…’ I inhaled and clenched my jaw. My voice sounded distant and fuzzy as I continued. I was scared if I didn’t come out with it now I would lose my nerve. ‘I think I’m gay.’ My heartbeat increased as the words finally stumbled over my lips. ‘Yep, I really think I’m gay. And I’m pretty sure I’ve just lost the first girl I’ve ever liked, and I don’t know how to fix my screwed-up head so I can accept myself and be able to, you know, be in a functional re
lationship, and I need someone’s help, because…’ I frowned at the floor. ‘Because I can’t do it on my own.’
Miss Wheaton looked surprised for a moment before she leant back in her chair and laced her fingers in her lap. Then she composed her face and motioned a hand towards her bed. I glanced at her with eyes narrowed in defence, watching a hint of a smile play around her lips as I closed the door behind me and crept over to sit on the edge of the mattress. I folded my arms across my stomach and hunched over them, avoiding her eyes.
My teacher’s voice was gentle as she braced her elbows on her knees and faced me. I looked up at her and she smiled at me, her eyes warm and kind and accepting and filling me with a sudden sense of ease. ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay,’ she said. ‘I don’t want you ever to think otherwise.’
‘I know there’s nothing wrong with it.’
She frowned a little, tilting her head to one side. ‘So what’s the problem?’
‘I don’t know.’ My voice was muffled as I spoke in the direction of my feet. ‘I just…I mean, my brain just can’t seem to accept it. If it was any of my friends, you know, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. It’s just…it’s me this time.’ I shrugged, wishing I was able to explain it better but not really knowing how to. Now that I was voicing my thoughts and fears allowed, they didn’t seem to make quite as much sense.
‘Well, I’m not a qualified counsellor…’ Miss Wheaton paused as she looked at me with her eyebrows raised. ‘But I think the first thing to ask is: do you know you like girls, or are you still figuring it out? And there’s nothing wrong with either of course.’
My response was so immediate I barely had time to process it. ‘I know I like girls.’ I turned my face to one side as though the gesture would make me less visible. ‘I mean, it just feels…right.’ I shrugged again awkwardly, my cheeks reddening slightly.
‘It must be liberating to feel so assured of your identity.’ Miss Wheaton smiled as though she was revealing to me a secret that deep down I already knew, and I nodded, my shoulders drooping a little as the truth of her words finally registered in my brain. I really was assured of my identity. I knew who I was, I knew how I felt…especially about Alex. The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t accept myself. The problem was the fear of the unknown sitting in my stomach and refusing to hand over the reins. What would happen if I was honest about this? How would people respond? How would my parents respond if they found out? Could I handle living the way I wanted, knowing that my mother wouldn’t support me? Did it really matter what she thought anymore? My thoughts spun in dizzying circles until I frowned and focused on the carpet again.