by K. L. Hiers
Table of Contents
Blurb
Chapter 1.
Chapter 2.
Chapter 3.
Chapter 4.
Chapter 5.
Chapter 6.
Chapter 7.
Chapter 8.
Chapter 9.
Chapter 10.
Chapter 11.
Chapter 12.
Chapter 13.
Chapter 14.
Chapter 15.
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Copyright
Head Over Tentacles
By K.L. Hiers
A Sucker For Love Mystery
Private investigator Sloane Beaumont should be enjoying his recent engagement to eldritch god Azaethoth the Lesser, AKA Loch. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have time for a pre-honeymoon period.
The trouble starts with a deceptively simple missing persons case. That leads to the discovery of mass kidnappings, nefarious secret experiments, and the revelation that another ancient god is trying to bring about the end of the world by twisting humans into an evil army.
Just another day at the office.
Sloane does his best to juggle wedding planning, stopping his fiancé from turning the mailman inside out, and meeting his future godly in-laws while working the case, but they’re also being hunted by a strange young man with incredible abilities. With the wedding date looming closer, Sloane and Loch must combine their powers to discover the truth—because it’s not just their own happy-ever-after at stake, but the fate of the world….
Chapter 1.
“LOCH,” SLOANE Beaumont began calmly, “you cannot threaten to turn the mailman inside out.”
“But I can,” Loch argued defiantly. “It’s actually really easy once you know how. You just start at the feet and roll the skin upwards—”
“I’m not saying you can’t do it, as in you’re not physically capable of it,” Sloane growled. “You’re an ancient and very powerful god. I have no doubt that you could, but what I am trying to tell you is that you can’t keep threatening him! We’ve been over this!”
“Ah!” Loch nodded in understanding. “What you mean is I should go ahead and do it because a clear example needs to be made!”
“No! Ugh!”
“You are so confusing, but you do look very pretty when you’re mad.” Loch batted his eyes, quickly changing gears. “Your eyebrows are so very luscious and thick, and you remind me so much of that nice human who plays Spork in the movie about trekking through the stars.”
“Hey, focus!” Although Sloane did appreciate the flattering comparison, he was not letting Loch get off so easily. “We’re talking about something important.”
“Mmm, yes. You.”
“Loch.”
“Your eyes are like warm pools of dark chocolate, and your lips, oh, I could go on about your lips for eons!”
“Loch!” Sloane groaned again, sitting down beside him on the couch and taking his hands. “Remember how you can’t reveal that you’re a god because it would cause mass panic since most of the world is Lucian now and believes the old gods aren’t real?”
“Yes!” Loch said cheerfully.
“Turning the mailman inside out? Good way to cause panic!”
“But he keeps wrinkling my catalogues.” Loch huffed. “I like the catalogues. And I like them best when they are not wrinkled. There is a definite crease!”
“Azaethoth!” Sloane scolded, invoking Loch’s true godly name with a growl.
Beneath his red curls and bright green eyes, there was a great dragon of legendary proportions hiding. Loch spent most of his time in his mortal vessel, but Sloane never forgot what he really was under that gorgeous facade. The novelty of scolding an ancient god like a stubborn child was not getting old anytime soon.
Loch pouted and crossed his arms. “Fine. I will fix the creases myself like some peasant.”
“And?”
“And I will not turn the mailman inside out,” Loch added sullenly.
“Thank you,” Sloane breathed, rewarding Loch with a sweet kiss and savoring the minty taste of his lips.
Loch smiled and sent a grayish tentacle out from his sleeve to nuzzle against Sloane’s cheek.
Sloane shuddered pleasurably. Any contact with Loch’s godly flesh was utter bliss. It was still hard to believe sometimes that a giant tentacled dragon was crammed inside that human body.
“Mmm, let me take you to bed,” Loch purred, more of his tentacles slithering out to pull Sloane into his lap. “I want to apologize for my awful behavior.”
“We have a case.” Sloane playfully swatted at him. “Remember? Jay Tintenfisch? Works with Milo? Mysterious disappearing roommate? Cat might be guilty?”
“Yes, I remember, but that can wait until I’m done apologizing.”
“No. We did plenty of that last night and this morning!”
“So? It’s tradition to celebrate an engagement with intense physical coupling—”
“Work first, playtime later.” Sloane wiggled out of Loch’s lap, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. “Come on.”
Loch let himself get dragged up from the couch, mumbling, “Fine. We’ll go, but I’m going to complain the whole time.”
“Big surprise.” Sloane chuckled as he led Loch downstairs to his car.
“I liked the old car,” Loch said, huffing as he got settled into the passenger seat. “The old car had personality. This car is shit.”
“The old car got blown up by a very angry witch,” Sloane reminded him.
“Yes, but we shared our first kiss in that car.”
“You mean when you tricked me into kissing you.”
“God of Tricksters,” Loch said with an unapologetic smile.
Sloane rolled his eyes, frowning when his phone rang.
“Hey!” It was Milo Evans, Sloane’s best friend and former coworker when he still worked for the Archersville Police Department as a detective.
“Hey! What’s up, Milo?”
“You need to come by,” Milo insisted. “Like, right now.”
“Right now?” Sloane glanced at the time. “I’m supposed to be meeting with a new client.”
“It’s about the blue goo.”
“Oh?”
“Look, it’ll take, like, five minutes!” Milo sounded particularly excited. “It’s super important! I have to tell you, in person, like right now.”
Sloane flinched, and he glanced sideways at Loch. Milo was known to be passionate even about mundane things, but the blue goo in question was of particular concern. “Okay, we’ll be there in five.”
“Okay! Hurry!”
“What is it?” Loch asked, tilting his head. “Did Milo anger Lynnette again?”
Lynnette was Loch’s little sister; well, technically, she was Lochlain’s little sister—the hot guy whose murder had started it all. Because Loch was living in a copy of Lochlain’s body, Sloane wasn’t sure if the familial connection still counted or not.
Milo and Lynnette had moved in together a few weeks ago, and things had been a bit bumpy.
“No,” Sloane replied, “it’s about that goo.”
“You’re willing to risk tardiness to meet our new client over some magical slime, but not for hot, primal mating?” Loch wrinkled his nose.
“I promise, lots of mating later!” Sloane argued. “This could be important!”
Loch grumbled his protests the entire drive, and Sloane didn’t even wait for him to get out of the car as he hurried to the front door of Lynnette’s house.
Sloane blinked when Milo answered the door with
his face covered in black ash, asking carefully, “Are you okay? Is your beard… burned?”
“Oh! I’m good!” Milo patted at his thick beard with a sheepish grin. He was big, broad, and always smiling. He bowed to Loch as he finally caught up. “Nice to see you, Your Most Holy Tentacle-ness!”
Milo was a recent convert to the Sagittarian faith. He was a bit exuberant, but Loch loved the attention.
“Greetings, furry mortal child,” Loch said sweetly, wiggling his fingers in a friendly wave.
“You guys have got to see this!” Milo ushered them inside and led them into the kitchen, where he had set up a small laboratory.
There was still a faint smell of smoke, and judging by the broken glass underfoot, something had definitely exploded.
“What the hell?” Sloane gasped in horror. “Dude, Lynnette is gonna kill you if you don’t clean this up—”
“Just listen,” Milo whined, grabbing a dish towel to wipe off his face. “You first found the blue goo when Lochlain was murdered, right? After Loch took over his body and you guys went back to his apartment to look for clues?”
“Yeah. We also found it at Kunst’s house.”
“After he blew up the car,” Loch helpfully chimed in.
“Right!” Milo confirmed. “All places Bad Robert had been, so we always assumed it was him. But you know where I didn’t find any? In the yard after you went all Starkiller on his ass.”
“So?”
“I found some definite worm slime, but it’s not the same stuff as the goo. Follow me here for a second. I think the blue goo belongs to another god,” Milo said slowly.
“Are you freakin’ serious?” Sloane scoffed and exchanged a worried glance with Loch. The old gods were not known for their sanity, most of them having gone insane when they went into their deep slumber.
“Yeah,” Milo replied with a grimace. “I’ve been blowing myself up all morning testing it again to be sure.” He grabbed two plates from the counter, offering them for Sloane’s inspection. “Look for yourself. Lefty is the original blue goo, all refined down. Right is the slime from Bad Robert.”
Sloane held up his hands to form a triangle for a perception spell. He recognized the blue residue immediately, the holographic aura familiar and equally uncomfortable. The worm slime had a similar shine, but Milo was right.
They weren’t the same.
“It’s definitely godly. Like, for sure. We know it’s not Loch, and if it’s not Bad Robert… well.” Milo eyed Loch. “Any idea who might have been awake running around with your brother trying to end the world?”
“How much time do we have?” Loch retorted dryly. “It’s a long list.”
“Seriously.” Sloane squeezed Loch’s arm. “Can’t you, like, go back to Zebulon and do, like, a head count or something? I mean, shouldn’t we be worried?”
“I’ll reach out to my sister,” Loch soothed, pulling Sloane into a tentacle-filled embrace. “She still wakes often. Maybe she’ll know who Toll was hanging out with.”
“Toll?” Milo put the plates away.
“Tollmathan,” Sloane replied. “God of music, poetry, and plagues. Aka Bad Robert?”
“Right! Sorry!” Milo grinned sheepishly. “Still trying to learn them all.”
“The most important one to remember is Azaethoth the Lesser,” Loch said. “Me.”
“How soon can you talk to your sister?” Sloane asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.
Loch closed his eyes and clicked his tongue. “Done! Mm, I hate to wake her up so early, but I suppose we do need to start discussing wedding plans, after all.”
“Wedding plans? What?” Milo squeaked, grinning at them and clapping. “You mean, wait, did you, you two…?”
“Loch asked me to marry him last night at Lochlain and Robert’s wedding,” Sloane confirmed. “We didn’t want to announce it then and steal any of their thunder—”
“I wanted to,” Loch said with a soft huff. “Sloane wouldn’t let me.”
“Ahhh! Congrats!” Milo gushed. “That’s so awesome!”
“Don’t say anything yet! We want to make an official announcement later!” Sloane pleaded. “And maybe keep this new god business hush-hush. I don’t want anyone freaking out if it turns out to be nothing.”
“Okay! Can do!” Milo looked around at the huge mess he’d made. “Little help, my super awesome starlit friend? Lynnette might come home for lunch, and well….”
“I got you.” Sloane wiggled away from Loch’s many arms so he could clap his hands together. All the broken glass was immediately made whole again and the smoke cleared, all evidence of the disaster magically gone.
“Phew!” Milo sighed in relief. “You’re a lifesaver!”
“You guys doing okay?” Sloane asked sympathetically.
“Yeah. She’s been super moody lately and I think she wants to kill me? But then she’s super happy and doesn’t want to kill me.”
“You should mate with her more often,” Loch advised. “Mating is a wonderful way to declare your love, and it solves almost every problem—”
“No, it does not,” Sloane scolded. “You should try talking to her first. Don’t listen to him, Milo.”
“Hmmmph,” Loch fussed. “Right, don’t listen to the all-powerful immortal being who has lived for thousands of years and gives really great advice.”
“Your advice is terrible.”
“No, it’s not.”
“When that little girl at the wedding was being picked on, you told her to summon a swarm of bees.”
“Do unto others as they’ve done to you.”
“Thanks, guys,” Milo said with a chuckle, “but I think we’re gonna be okay. Moving in together can be way stressful, you know?”
“Let me know if we can help. I’ll call you later if we hear anything,” Sloane said to Milo with a warm smile. He gave his friend a big hug. “Gotta run! Gonna go see your buddy Jay!”
“Oh good, so he called you?”
“Yeah, he called me yesterday at the wedding. He’s my new client.”
“I told him to set something up with you. I knew you’d try to help him. Everybody else kinda thinks he’s going crazy.”
“Said you guys worked together down at the department, right?”
“Yeah, he’s over in IT, and his office is down the hall from the forensics lab. They put him where the old janitor’s closet used to be.” Milo grimaced. “Hope you can help him out! He’s a nice dude!”
“Thanks for the referral, by the way! We’ll talk soon!”
“Take care, mortal child,” Loch said, waving a tentacle as he followed Sloane back out to the car. “Mmm, my sister is on her way. It may take her some time to find a willing vessel.”
“You guys can just… talk to each other? Just like that?”
“Mm-hm. As long as she’s not dreaming too deeply, my sister always hears me.”
“Well, hopefully she can help us.” Sloane started driving them toward his office. “It makes me nervous as hell thinking that Bad Robert wasn’t working alone.”
“I can think of many others that it could have been,” Loch said with a shrug. “Top of the list is Gronoch. He would have been next in line to rule after Tollmathan. Perhaps it was him? Although, he’s a very heavy sleeper….”
“It wouldn’t have been your sister, right?” Sloane hated to ask. “Galgareth?”
“No,” Loch said with a firm shake of his head. “She wouldn’t do anything to hurt mortals or endanger this world. That much I’m sure of.”
“All right,” Sloane said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He frowned when his phone rang again.
It was Robert Edwards, the good one.
“Hey!” Sloane answered cheerfully. “Thought you guys were leaving for your honeymoon?”
“Almost!” Robert laughed, sounding a little nervous. “Look, uhm, could I speak to Azaethoth? Or maybe just put me on speaker? It’s sort of, uhm, personal, but….”
“
Oh sure! One second!” Sloane passed the phone to Loch. “Put it on speaker.”
“Azaethoth the Lesser here,” Loch announced. “God of Tricksters, Thieves, and Divine Retribution.”
“Hello, Azaethoth!” Robert gushed, sounding even more nervous now. “I know this is very last minute, but we’re getting ready to leave for the airport, and I’m terrified of flying.” He took a deep breath. “Would you be willing to give me and Lochlain a blessing of protection for our trip?”
Sloane glanced at the time worriedly. They were so going to be late, but he nodded at Loch with a strained smile.
“Of course, my dear child,” Loch said happily. “We’ll be right over.”
“You can just meet us at the hotel!” Robert exclaimed. “Wynne Hotel, right downtown! Thank you so much!”
Sloane groaned as he took his phone back, making a quick right turn to get them redirected to the hotel. “I don’t normally ask you to use your godly powers, but if you could make every light green? That would be great.”
“I am yours to command, my sweet Starkiller,” Loch declared, always eager to show off his abilities.
They whizzed through the busy streets, and Sloane pulled up to the front of the hotel in mere minutes. He spotted Robert and Lochlain waiting for them by the door, and he put the car in park before waving them over.
Robert was a handsome young blond, and Lochlain was the mirror image of Loch. They were absolutely identical, right down to their gorgeous smiles, but the similarities ended with their physical appearance.
While Lochlain reminded Sloane of a fluffy kitten playing with a bit of string, Loch was a full-grown tiger on the prowl and definitely never up to any good.
The newlywed couple hurried over to the passenger side, and they both bowed their heads respectfully in greeting.
Loch rolled down the window with a very pleased smile. “Hello, my faithful ones.”
“Hi!” Robert waved, kneeling down beside the car and trying to appear inconspicuous. “I hate to rush, but we need to leave soon—”
Loch reached out his hand, one of his tentacles slithering out from his sleeve and poking Robert in the middle of his forehead. “Great Azaethoth will be with you on your journey. His whispers will guide you and his starlight will guard you.”