Head Over Tentacles

by K. L. Hiers

  “Mmm, brmmmm hmmmph?” Loch kept talking and groaned as he pried Sloane’s hand away. “This is important! The grocery store is nothing more than a bunch of lying vile fiends! There was garlic in a jar that they called ‘Italian Garlic,’ but after closer inspection, the package revealed it was made in Spirit Lake! In Idaho!”

  “Are you or are you not Lochlain Fields?” Chase barked.

  “Is that really important right now?” Loch complained. “I’m trying to tell my story!”

  “Answer the question, sir.”

  “Hmmph.” Loch scowled, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. “Who wants to know?”

  “Detective Elwood Chase, AVPD.” Chase flashed his badge with a stern grimace. “Now tell me, are you Lochlain Fields or not?”

  “No,” Loch retorted impatiently. “I’m Azaethoth the Lesser, brother of Tollmathan, Gronoch, Xhorlas, and Galgareth. I am the son of Salgumel, he who was spawned by Baub, the child of Zunnerath and Halandrach, they who were born of Etheril and Xarapharos, descended directly from Great Azaethoth himself!”

  Sloane cringed while Chase stared blankly.

  “Now,” Loch huffed, “when I spoke to the staff about their fraudulent advertising, they were very rude to me. So I took their tree, and I told them that their welcome sign was dishonest because they did nothing to make me feel welcome the entire time I was there!”

  “Thank you.” Sloane grimaced as Loch handed him the grocery bag. He looked worriedly at Chase. “Don’t mind him, he’s just a regular ol’ clown! Always kidding around, aren’t ya, Loch?”

  “But Sloane, I’m not a clown! I’m a god—”

  “Oh, look at the time! We really need to go. Great seeing you, Chase!”

  “Sloane.” Chase grimaced. “I really hate to do this, but you know ghouls are illegal. So is aiding and abetting one. I’m gonna have to call this in.”

  “Call who?” Loch asked.

  “Call dispatch and inform them I’m about to make an arrest,” Chase replied somberly. “I’m sorry, but if it’s not me, it’ll just be somebody else.”

  “Shit,” Sloane hissed.

  “Mmm, I don’t think so.” Loch shook his head. “We’re about to have dinner, and getting arrested would just ruin our evening.”

  “Look, Azaethoth,” Chase drawled, emphasizing the godly name and making it clear he didn’t believe Loch’s claim, “you two come quietly, or I can call for backup.”

  Loch suddenly burst out laughing. He was laughing so hard his eyes were wet with tears, and he had to lean against the fake tree for support.

  “Loch!” Sloane wanted to strangle him. “This is freakin’ serious! We’re both about to be arrested! Do you understand?”

  “Oh, pffft,” Loch snorted, wiping at his eyes and taking a deep breath. “You worry too much, my love.” He reached out with one of his tentacles and poked Chase right in the middle of his forehead.

  “What the….” Chase’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he collapsed to the floor. A portal opened up beneath him, and he disappeared.

  “Loch, what did you do?” Sloane gasped.

  “I fixed it!” Loch protested. “Now he won’t bother us.”

  “Fixed it how?” Sloane demanded.

  “Oh, I erased his memory,” Loch replied. “He’ll get up, go to bed, and in the morning, he won’t remember anything about why he came here.”

  “Where did you send him?”

  “To the safest place I know!” Loch replied with a happy smile.

  “If you say the post office, so help me….”

  “No!” Loch pouted. “Home! I sent him to his home.”

  “Well… shit.” Sloane ran a hand through his hair. “I feel kinda bad. Chase was always so nice to me.” He paused. “Wait, how did you know where he lived?”

  “I stole his wallet.” Loch beamed, holding it up proudly.

  “Give it back!” Sloane pointed at the floor. “Right now!”

  “Fine!” Loch opened up another portal, tossing the wallet in and sighing as if he was in deep pain. “I’m really doing my best here. You didn’t want to be arrested, and you’ve made it very clear I’m not supposed to reveal my true godly nature because of potential mass panic and religious hysteria. This seemed to be the easiest option.”

  “Unless he puts it all together again,” Sloane mumbled, leaning to hug Loch tight. “Then what do we do?”

  “Then I’ll just erase his memory again!” Loch said cheerfully as he kissed his hair. “Don’t worry, sweet Starkiller. I have this completely under control.”

  From inside the apartment, Lynnette screamed.

  “Oh, what now?” Sloane broke away to hurry back inside, summoning a shield of starlight and ready to attack.

  Lynnette had her chair in her hands and raised above her head as if to strike. Milo was trying to take the chair from her, standing in between her and her target perched on top of the table.

  “Baby!” Milo was shouting. “Come on! You’re not supposed to be lifting anything! Put the chair down!”

  The cause of the commotion was Asta, sitting down right in the middle of the table and helping himself to a plate of spaghetti. He was in his human form and totally naked. He turned his head when Sloane and Loch came rushing back in, and he waved. “Hey, guys!”

  “Oh, gross,” Loch groaned, fussing as he shut the door behind them. “It’s just Asta.”

  “Hey! Where the hell have you been?” Sloane demanded. “And don’t you ever wear clothes?”

  “What is it, what does it want, and why is it eating my pasta?” Lynnette snarled.

  “It is an Asra, it wants some grated Parmesan, and it’s hungry,” Asta replied, shamelessly slinking off the table and heading to the fridge.

  Lynnette lowered the chair, eyeing Asta suspiciously. “This is the Asra? Asta the Asra?”

  “Yup, this is him.” Sloane stomped over to slam the fridge door shut and thrust an apron in Asta’s face. “Hey! Put this on and answer me! You never came back!”

  “Uh, yeah, I did.” Asta wrapped the apron around his hips. “I seem to remember me coming to the rescue when you were fighting a god.”

  “After that! You never came back for Jay!”

  “Uh, hello, had to put my family’s bones back?” Asta scoffed. “I was a little busy. So what’s up? Where’s my ol’ buddy Jay at?”

  “Safe,” Sloane grumbled. “He’s still not awake from your little sleeping spell, or do you even remember doing that?”

  “Oh, right! Yeah, just bring him over here and I’ll get right on it.”

  “Loch?” Sloane asked.

  “Yes, my love. I’ll go get the little mortal.” Loch pointed a finger at Asta. “Don’t you dare touch the breadsticks while I’m gone.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” Asta said sweetly, dumping a large helping of Parmesan on his plate and munching away.

  Sloane watched Loch disappear, and he turned his attention back to Asta. “So, uh, the bones belonged to your family?”

  “Yeah. Wasn’t able to put everybody back together, though.” Asta glumly took a big bite of pasta. “They used up all the ancient ones first, but I got my mom and, like, half my grandpa. It’s better than nothing, I guess.”

  “How did the bones get taken anyway? I thought gods couldn’t enter Xenon.”

  “Some fuckin’ scumbags were stealing the bones for ’em and murdering the fuck out of each other,” Asta replied. “I missed a lot of crazy shit while I was babysitting Jay. Like, fuckin’ wow, there’s this super annoying snotty dead professor that appointed himself Royal Occult Advisor.”

  “Snotty dead professor….” Sloane narrowed his eyes. It couldn’t be, but then again, anything was possible when dealing with gods and monsters. “Was this professor named Emil Kunst?”

  “Kunst? Oh yeah, that’s him. I’ve been calling him Cun—”

  “Right,” Sloane said quickly, “but he’s okay? He’s… he’s happy?”

  “Happy?” Asta laughed. “He�
��s all but trying to run the whole fuckin’ kingdom now and driving my dad absolutely insane. He’s having the fuckin’ time of his undead life.”

  “Yeah?” Sloane was incredibly relieved hearing that, and some of the guilt he’d been carrying for so long ebbed. “Thank you.”

  “No problem.” Asta gave a little salute before pouring more Parmesan on his plate. “Happy to help.”

  “Now, are you gonna tell me where Jay’s roommate is?” Sloane took the jar of Parmesan away and crossed his arms. “The whole point of you going back was to bring him so Jay wouldn’t freak out, remember?”

  “Yeah, okay, I got a little distracted!” Asta whined, pouting over the loss of cheese. “After I left your stupid office, I happened to find out about the awesome Backstreet Boys reunion tour that I’ve been predicting for months was finally starting, and I maybe followed them around for a few days.”

  Sloane put his hands over his face and sighed.

  “Hey, Backstreet’s back and better than ever, motherfucker,” Asta declared. “So anyway, when I finally got home, that’s when I found out about all the bones being stolen for Gronoch. I saw the shit going down on the bridge when all the Silenced souls came through, and yeah, okay, I got a little worried about Jay.”

  “Oh?”

  “Well, obviously something crazy went down! Took me a little while to find you guys, and oops, I ended up having to fight a god for you. A little ‘thank you’ would be nice.”

  “Why didn’t you stay to help Jay?” Sloane demanded.

  “Do you know what a good way to say ‘thank you’ is? A breadstick. Breadsticks are very thoughtful.”

  “Fine!” Sloane grabbed a breadstick and handed it to Asta. “Now, why didn’t you stick around to help Jay? We haven’t been able to wake him up!”

  “Uh, getting my family’s bones back was kind of a priority. Hello.” Asta rolled his eyes as he nibbled on his breadstick. “I came back as soon as I could! I knew he’d be safe with you guys!”

  “Okay, so where is Jay’s roommate? You still need to bring him back here!”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “And why not?”

  “He’s busy.”

  “Busy doing what?” Lynnette piped up.

  “Probably getting married,” Asta replied, taking a big bite of spaghetti and continuing to talk through it. “He made thith really big impresshun on the king. So.” He gulped. “The king is gonna go on and put a ring on it.”

  “Wait, huh?” Sloane blinked. “Are you serious?”

  “He’s getting married to the king?” Lynnette gasped. “He’s gonna be a prince? Aw, how romantic!”

  “Who’s getting married?” Milo asked in a hushed whisper.

  “Jay’s roommate, uh….” Sloane blinked. “You know, I don’t think I even know his name.”

  “Tedward of Aeon, Kicker of Cats,” Asta said with a snort. “He’s gonna be my new step-daddy. Isn’t that fun?”

  “You said he was gonna marry the king,” Sloane accused. “How does that make him your step-anything?”

  “Oh, right! Prince Elysian, the powerful and wise? The super cool dude I told you about?” Asta pointed at himself. “That’s me.”

  “By all the fuckin’ gods. You lied to us!”

  “Only a little.”

  Loch reappeared with Jay in his arms and dropped him off on the couch. “What did I miss?”

  “Asta is actually a prince, and Tedward is getting married to the king of the Asra,” Sloane replied.

  “What’s a Tedward?”

  “He’s Jay’s roommate, your godliness,” Milo called back.

  Asta left his plate on the counter and came over to kneel by the couch, smoothing his hand over Jay’s hair. “Thank you, guys… for taking care of him.”

  “Yeah, of course.” Sloane smiled.

  “Hey.” Milo frowned. “What happened with Chase? He didn’t end up in a portal, did he?”

  “Well, technically.” Sloane grimaced. “He might have maybe been here to possibly arrest me because he figured out Loch was a ghoul, so Loch erased his memory and sent him through a portal back to his place… and yeah, it’s fine now.”

  Milo did not look convinced.

  “Shit, Jay needs his glasses. He can’t see crap without them.” Asta snapped his fingers, and a pair of glasses appeared in his hand. Gently, he slid them onto Jay’s face. “There.”

  Sloane frowned when he spotted something shiny around Loch’s neck. “Loch, what is that?”

  “Oh! I stole this from Detective Chase when he was trying to arrest you earlier.” Loch beamed proudly, holding up a police badge. “Isn’t it neat?”

  “You have to give that back!” Sloane tried to grab it from him. “Come on!”

  Loch passed the badge to one of his tentacles and raised it high up where Sloane couldn’t reach. “But I like it!”

  “If you give it back, I’ll let you keep the tree you stole.”

  “Hmmm….”

  “What the fuck?” Jay’s voice suddenly squeaked. He was sitting up, clumsily trying to back into the far corner of the couch. He stared up at Loch’s tentacles in horror. “Wh-what the fuck is going on?”

  “That’s just Azzy,” Asta said dismissively. “Don’t worry about him. Hey, are you okay?”

  “Who….” Jay stared, reaching out to gently touch Asta’s sunglasses. “Mr. Twigs? Is that you?”

  “Yeah.” Asta grabbed Jay’s hand as if to push him away. He hesitated, and their fingers slowly laced together. “Uh… surprise?”

  “There’s a lot we need to explain, Mr. Tintenfisch,” Sloane said, gesturing for Loch to put away his tentacles.

  “I could always zap his memory,” Loch whispered loudly. “One little poke and problem solved!”

  “No!” Sloane growled.

  “I’m still not really sure if I’m awake or dreaming,” Jay said, scrubbing at his eyes. “Milo?”

  “What’s up, dude?” Milo waved cheerfully.

  “Fuck, my head hurts.” Jay suddenly gasped. “Ted. Where’s Ted? Did you guys find him?”

  “I can take you to him,” Asta promised, standing up and helping Jay get to his feet. “He’s fine, I swear.”

  “Mr. Twigs?” Jay’s face turned bright red. “Why… why are you only wearing an apron?”

  “I’d rather not be wearing anything. Have you ever jumped through a portal naked?” Asta winked. “It’s the best.”

  “Jump… through a what?”

  “Uh, would you guys like to join us for dinner?” Sloane gestured to the dinner table. “We have plenty of food—”

  “You gave away one of the breadsticks!” Loch hissed.

  “We can get more!”

  “Not at that grocery store,” Loch lamented. “They’re very unhappy with me over the recent loss of their beloved tree.”

  “You guys wanna sit down, take a breath, and I can try to explain what’s going on?” Sloane pulled out his chair for Jay.

  “Definitely gonna need a drink.” Jay ran his hands through his hair. “And I really, really need to pee.”

  “I got you, buddy,” Milo assured him, heading into the kitchen to pour some whiskey while Sloane showed Jay to the bathroom.

  When Jay came out, he sat down at the table and downed the whiskey. He took a deep breath. “Okay. I might need a few more of those, but I’m ready.”

  “Right, so,” Sloane began, “this handsome guy is Azaethoth the Lesser. Yes, he’s that Azaethoth. This all started last Dhankes at a Halloween party I went to last year….” He went on to tell Jay the whole story of how he’d met Lochlain and his subsequent murder, then being courted by Azaethoth in Lochlain’s body as they worked together to solve the mystery.

  Although Loch was eager to share details of how their romantic relationship had blossomed, Sloane did his best to keep the conversation modest. Jay listened intently, often asking questions or requesting a refill on his drink. Sloane explained what Gronoch had been planning and why Ja
y was a target, and that’s when Jay simply took the bottle and turned it up.

  “Gronoch was going to use the bones of the Asra to force a god’s soul out of its body and bind it to mine to make me into a weapon to use in battle?” Jay took a breath. “A battle that will come if they’re actually able to wake up Salgumel because the gods will try to stop him and the other bad gods from destroying the entire world?”

  “Yeah, that pretty much sums it up,” Sloane said with a sympathetic sigh.

  “Fuck,” Jay muttered, and he glanced over at Asta, who was sitting on the edge of the table next to him—still naked aside from the apron. “And Mr. Twigs is not actually Mr. Twigs.”

  “Nope,” Asta replied with a click of his tongue. “Mr. Twigs is Asran royalty, baby.”

  “Your visions made you come find me, to protect me?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Yes,” Sloane supplied, “and he apparently had a little tiff with your roommate.”

  “There is a strong possibility that I sent him through a portal to Xenon after he viciously attacked me,” Asta declared, swinging his legs cheerfully.

  “That’s exactly what he did.” Sloane rolled his eyes. “Ted is in Xenon with the Asran king.”

  “And he’s really okay?” Jay pressed. “He’s… he’s getting married?”

  “Totally gross, right?” Asta complained.

  “Wow. So, uh, yeah. This is a lot,” Jay leaned back in his chair and inhaled slowly. “I mean, I always had faith in the gods. Always. I just never thought I’d be hanging out watching one eat pasta.”

  “Life can be quite unpredictable,” Loch agreed, twirling some noodles around his fork. “I came to find a murderer and also found my eternal mate!”

  “Uh, so, who else knows about this?” Jay asked cautiously.

  “Everyone here plus Lynnette’s brother and his husband,” Sloane replied.

  “Ahem.” Lynnette cleared her throat. “And Fred.”

  “Right, sorry, and their friend Fred! But that’s it—”

  “Oh! And Fred’s cute little ghoul doctor,” Lynnette continued to chime in. “We’ve also gotta count that Silenced guy. Alexander, right? And the god that he’s bonded with.”

  “Yes, them too.” Sloane paused, eyeing Lynnette expectantly. “Anybody else?”