by Becca Monroe
Jake’s face held concern. “Everything okay?” He asked.
“Yes, just a friend from back home.”
He nodded, but I wasn’t sure he believed me. “You said you don’t have anyone coming in for the holiday, but you can’t stay at my place. Does that mean you just want to be home alone for Thanksgiving?” He cast me a strange look, and I felt my cheeks flush red.
“I just want a peaceful holiday for once, that’s what I want.”
He didn’t say another word as we drove into town. When he pulled into the parking spot at the restaurant, all I wanted to do was hop out of the truck quickly, but that train of thought vanished when his hand caught my arm.
“The holidays haven’t been peaceful for you in the past? Was that because of a person or just the holiday itself? Don’t tell me it was because of a guy, I may have to defend your honor,” he joked, but the words tore through me. Everyone around here was getting too close and asking too many questions. Maybe it was time to leave already.
My eyes went to his hand on my arm and again my body tensed, attempting to fight off the mixture of desire and fear coursing through me. I closed my eyes as my breathing became erratic.
“Delaney?” I could hear Jake’s voice, but I couldn’t get mine to work. Breathe Delaney, just breathe. I told myself.
Jake
Her body tensed and her eyes went foggy, just as she had the past two times in the restaurant. “You okay?”
She padded her chest with her hand. “I can’t breathe,” she stuttered out, gasping for air. She stepped out of the truck, and rushed to the edge of the parking lot, past the first row of trees leading into the forested area, where she fell to the ground.
When I got to her, she was on all fours, trying to calm her breathing.
“Please talk to me. What do you need?” She held up her hand, and I immediately clutched it in mine, bending down next to her. “Slow and steady breaths. Let everything quiet around you,” I whispered.
Her hand squeezed mine and her eyes shot me a disconcerted glance. “I’m… I’m sorry,” she said, her voice trembling like her body.
I shook my head. “Don’t talk honey, just breathe.” My hand continued to hold hers, while I wrapped the other around her back. Her slight frame made me want to pick her up and hold her through this, but I had no desire to make things worse for her, and I knew it would do just that.
Mike and Mary came rushing up to us. “Everything ok? We saw her take off to the woods over here.”
“Please… don’t tell them,” she whispered.
I shielded her with my body, so they couldn’t see her face. “Momma, I’m afraid Delaney isn’t feeling well. She tried to come in, but she just got sick.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Jake, take her home right away. We will make do just fine today. I know she’s at your place until her stove gets here. Josh and Mike filled me in. You take her home, and I will have Josh run some homemade chicken soup over as soon as I can get a kettle made.”
“Thanks, momma.” I took my jacket off and wrapped it around her, still shielding her face as best I could. She was ashamed of having what seemed to me like a panic attack or a flashback. A lot of my brothers I served with overseas experienced them, and I even had a few myself.
Trauma does strange things to the mind. For us to continue to live a healthy life, we need to purge all the trauma out, but doing that was much easier said than done. The question I was wrestling with was what kind of trauma was triggering these tense reactions from her? And why did she seem only affected by me and nobody else in town?
Mike opened the door to the truck, and I got Delaney settled in the passenger seat.
“She okay?” He asked after I closed her door.
“I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone at the house today. Can you take my lessons? There is one at eleven with Brittany, one at three with Margaret, and Tim was coming for to sparring practice at five.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll handle that. Let me know if you need anything today.”
“Thanks, man. I’ll text you and check in later.”
I pulled my truck out of the parking lot and glanced over at Delaney. She clung to my jacket, shivering. “Do you need to stop by your place and get anything? We can stop by on the way back to my house.”
“I think it would be better if you just let me stay at my home,” she whimpered.
“Delaney, I’m not allowing you to stay in a home where the average temperature right now is forty degrees.”
She shot me a stunned look. “You’re not allowing me to?”
“Nobody will let you stay there. It’s not safe! You can stay at my place until the heater gets here. I don’t mind at all, and I think we’re getting along, don’t you?”
Delaney’s eyes showed frustration, but she nodded her head in agreement. “Fine, I should pick up a few things.”
I crept my hand over to her arm and touched it gently. “Thank you. I’ll feel better being able to look after you for a couple of days.”
She didn’t say another word when we went to her house, or on the ride back to my place. Any progress we may have made getting closer last night vanished. She was retreating into herself, but I couldn’t figure out why.
“Is it okay with you if I lay down for a while?” she asked.
There was a vulnerability in her question that ate at my resolve. “Consider this your home. You never need to ask for anything.”
I watched her walk down the hall and I couldn’t help but follow her. When she reached the bedroom door, she turned to find me standing behind her. She had to notice the concerned look in my eyes. “Can you tell me why you had a panic attack today? No judgement, Delaney, I just want to help. Did I trigger it with something I said?”
Her eyes closed, and she leaned her head against the doorframe, took a deep breath, then opened them, displaying unshed tears. “No, it wasn’t anything you said or did. I just think it’s time I leave Alaska.”
Delaney leaving Kodiak was the last thing I wanted. “Look, I know we haven’t been close, and that’s my fault, but I don’t want you to leave and nobody else will either. Everyone up here is crazy about you.”
“Jake, it’s ok. We discussed all that, and I’m glad we’re getting along, but I don’t know that I can stay much longer.”
I thought about moving further away from her, but something told me to stay close. Her body language screamed fear, but her eyes were reaching out to me in hope. “Can you tell me why?”
Her back went rigid, and she focused her eyes on mine. I could have sworn for a moment she wanted to tell me, but she didn’t. “I can’t. Thanks for today, and for not telling them I had a panic attack. Maybe I just need more rest,” she whispered, looking away.
My hand slowly went to her arm, afraid I would frighten her, but I needed to offer comfort. “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen to everything you have to say. But you need to understand a few things. I see the way your hands shake, the fear laced in the tone of your voice, and don’t think I don’t recognize when a woman shies away because she thinks she’s going to get hit.”
The first tear fell down her cheek, and I stepped closer. “I would never hurt you. Please tell me you know that.” She nodded but kept her eyes downcast from mine. “Delaney, let me help you with…”
She shook her head as the tears increased and took a deep breath, gathering her strength. “You can’t help. Nobody can and I don’t want anyone to be…” she paused for a moment, another deep breath.
“You can’t help,” she whispered again. “Please don’t push.”
I nodded. “Okay, but I’m here for you. Something is hurting you, and I can help. I want to help.”
She dropped the items she was holding onto the floor and stepped into my arms, wrapping hers around my waist. Taken back by the gesture, I used one arm to hold her close to me, and the other stroked her hair, telling her that everything would be okay. We stayed like that for a few minutes, a
nd I was thanking God for the chance to be there for her. Her tears were soaking through my shirt, her muffled cries almost choking the breath from my body. Whatever she was feeling and dealing with was eating away at her and it was killing me.
She wiped her tears and stepped away. “I’m sorry I messed up your shirt.” She tried to grin, to break the seriousness of the moment.
Her smile was beautiful, even during tears. I pulled the shirt over my head and smiled back. “It’s just a shirt, Delaney. I’d gladly use it to dry your tears any day.”
Her eyes locked on my bare chest, as she silently studied the four names tattooed just below my rib cage. “Why did you get this?” Her shaky hand reached out and her fingers skimmed across the tattoo. Every time she touched me, my body electrified. She pulled her hand back, no doubt noticing my muscle tense in response to our contact. The reaction was out of a sheer need for more of her, not because I didn’t want her hands on me, but I wasn’t ready to share that with her yet.
“They were part of my team in the Army. Myself, Mike, Steve, Kevin, and these four were on a mission together. These guys didn’t make it home.”
She covered her mouth with one hand and placed her other over my heart. “I’m sorry you lost your friends. It must be difficult going to war and having to deal with all that pain.”
I placed my hand over hers and held it there. “When I first got home, it was a struggle, but Mike and I leaned on one another. It gets better. War isn’t something I’d wish on anyone, but different trauma can affect our brains the same as war does.”
Her fingers clenched my hand tighter, and I let her take whatever strength she needed from me. “I’m sure war is worse than anything any of us can experience back home. Car accidents, other things that happen, nothing is as bad as what you and your friends went through.”
“I used to think it was weak to have nightmares, panic attacks, and anxiety. Then I spent a long time having them and going through therapy. Those things don’t happen just because you have a rough day, they occur because something so traumatic happened to you that your brain remembers or relives it. It isn’t just people in war. People who have been in a horrible car accident, a fire, or a domestic violence survivor, they have been to war too. The battlefield may look different, but the violence and trauma do the same damage,” I explained.
She nodded, still staring at me. “Thank you again.”
“No, thanks needed. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.”
I handed her the items off the floor and turned toward the kitchen.
“How did you get better?” she asked.
The question surprised me, but I was glad she asked it. I turned back to face her and leaned against the wall.
“I have an amazing support group around me. You can’t heal alone. I still go to therapy and Mike, Steve, and Kevin, all talk regularly. Josh, momma, Josie, they’ve all helped me too. Some days are still hard. The hard stuff doesn’t just disappear, but you feel better slowly, and it gets a little easier. Don’t hold it all inside, it will destroy you,” I said. “I know you don’t trust me, and if you can’t talk to me, then talk to Mike, Josh, Josie, or momma. Every one of them would be there for you in a heartbeat if you needed them.”
“I’m fine. I haven’t had the level of trauma soldiers have. I’m okay.” Her tone sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me.
We both took a step toward one another, and I moved in closer. “I’m gonna put my hands on your face, is that okay?”
She nodded slowly, and I cupped her face in my hands and leaned down to look into her eyes.
“Never marginalize the hell you’ve been through. I don’t know the extent of it, and I don’t know who or what did it. But I know you’ve been through something that brings you fear, pain and anxiety.”
She stared into my eyes and the pain I saw was palpable. “One thing I need you to promise me is that you know I would never hurt you. Josh and Mike would never harm a hair on your head either, and you need to remember that, especially when you’re scared. We care about you and want to help, so please talk to any of us when you’re ready.”
Exhaustion set in, and she cried again in my arms until she could barely stand up. I moved her into her room and an hour later she fell asleep with me holding her on the bed.
Delaney in my arms was jacking with my head. It felt too right, too perfect, and the fact she showed her moments of vulnerability to me twice in the past few hours said she was trying to trust me. I needed her too, but I also needed answers. Something or someone was terrifying her, and I wanted to put an end to that.
David picked up on the second ring when I called. He was a friend of the family and was sweet on momma, but neither of them ever admitted anything. David was a good man, and I was glad that he was around and always seemed to look out for her. I needed his help. So many things were telling me that Delaney was running or hiding from something, and the only way to know for certain was to search for it.
David spent fifteen years as an LAPD investigator before he had enough of big-city crime and came up to Kodiak to become Sheriff of our town and slow everything down. After my stint in the Army, I understood the need for peace. I even respected those of us who knew we needed it and sought it out. Sometimes peace and nature are what one needs to heal the heart and mind, at least that’s what I kept telling myself.
“Jake, how are ya this morning?” David’s voice came over the line.
“I’m doing ok. Listen, I need a favor and I need it to remain a private matter, just between us. Can you do that for me?”
“Something wrong?”
“No, um, how do I say this? You know Delaney Newcomb.”
“I do. Sweetheart of a girl, that one. Your momma loves her something fierce.”
He would know how momma felt about her. “Well, I need you to look into her background, do some checking around.”
“Jake, I know you haven’t warmed up to her, but…”
I cut off his line of thinking. “It’s not that. I think she’s running from something or someone. It’s a lot to ask and could put you in a tough spot with momma, that’s why I need you to keep this between us. She’s scared, David, and she exhibits signs of trauma.”
“What’s got you thinking that?”
“On two occasions in the past forty-eight hours, she has had panic attacks when she was feeling threatened. She was drowsy last night, half asleep. When I went to help her, she begged me not to hurt her.”
“Hmm, that is worrisome, but not out of the norm. If I remember right, a few months back, one of my deputies had a similar exchange with her. I’ll talk to him about it and refresh my memory.”
A deputy saw her reaction too? That was interesting. Was she on a date with him? Why would she feel threatened with a Deputy? I dismissed my imagination getting the better of me and continued my conversation with David. “She’s talking about leaving, and I can’t let that happen without knowing what’s going on. If we can help, we need to.”
David was silent for a moment. “Alright, I need to say I’m a little surprised. While most of us knew you liked her, you’ve kept your distance. I didn’t see this level of concern coming.”
“Delaney reminds me of…”
“Don’t say Callie, Jake,” he interrupted. “I know we haven’t known Delaney all that long, but I consider myself an excellent judge of character and Delaney is a decent person. Callie had a lot of issues, and I realize it’s difficult for you to hear that, but it’s true. They aren’t even close to the same person.”
I ignored his statement, not wanting to think about my past with Callie any more than necessary. “Can you please just look into her? Something’s wrong.”
“Ok, see if you can get me her birthday, social, etc., It will make things a little easier.”
“I should be able to get those things off her employment files at the restaurant and get them to you.”
“Sounds good. I will see what I can find.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it.”
“Jake, if she’s running from someone who hurt her, that trauma runs deep. Be patient. Victims of violence don’t trust easily. With how kind she is, I’m sure that damage is deeper than even she realizes.”
“Understood, my friend. I will do everything in my power to help her.”
“Let’s talk soon.”
“Thanks again,” I said and disconnected the call.
A few hours later, I snuck into the room to check on her, and she was resting. Anyone watching me right now would think I was some sick stalker, but I couldn’t take my eyes from her. Her beautiful hair cascading around her angelic face, she looked completely at peace. I would give anything to make her feel that way when she was wide awake. When I stepped out, Josh was coming through the front door, still in his uniform, a box full of food in his arms. “Hey, how’s she doing? Mom said she was feeling sick this morning.”
I shook my head and motioned toward the kitchen. “Jesus man, what all did you bring? I thought it was just going to be soup.”
Josh laughed and rolled his eyes. “You know, mom. Soup, homemade bread, some ice cream for when she’s feeling better, a couple of magazines, and her tip money from the other night.”
I laughed. “What does mom think she’ll need the tip money for?”
“Who knows, but the cash is in the envelope. You know she averages about a hundred and fifty bucks a day in tips? That’s good for our little town. Everyone loves her,” Josh said, smiling.
I knew he was baiting me again, to see if I would say how I was feeling about her, and I didn’t want to get into an in-depth discussion with my baby brother on how much I wanted Delaney. “She’s great,” I said, keeping my response simple.
He set the box on the counter and started taking items out of it. “Uh, huh? What’s going on with the two of you? It seems like things are changing fast.”