by Karen Deen
“For fuck’s sake, Nat, it isn’t just about sex, you know.”
“It isn’t just sex, is it, Zara? That’s the problem, isn’t it? You feel so much more than you would if he was just fucking you?”
“More than you can imagine,” I whisper but she hears me.
“I think that is your answer, sweetie. I know you don’t want to, but I think you need to talk to him. At least give him a chance. It can’t hurt any more than it does right now. Imagine how you would feel being walked out on with just a note to explain. You would come running to me, telling me what a dick Grant is. Am I right?”
I hate it when Natalie makes sense. She knows how to handle me. When I first arrived, she had no opinion. Knowing I needed to work off some steam, she let Xavier at me and now I’m more approachable. It’s safer to tell me what she thinks. I understand what she means. It’s logical. Yes, if Grant did that to me, I would have lost my shit for sure. But I just don’t know if I am strong enough to talk to him.
He disarms me.
My body betrays my mind.
My heart he already owns.
“I panicked and ran. I didn’t know what else to do, Nat. It was an awful thing to do but how else can I get him to understand? I am so close to this dream that’s haunted me for years. You know how hard I have worked to get back to this point. Even if I believe him about supporting my dream, I can’t afford the distraction. There’s no way I will be able to concentrate fully in these last few weeks which are the most important.”
“Bullshit! No matter what, you won’t be able to get him out of your head. Look at you. You’re a wreck after one magical night. You think your body will erase that memory so easy? You think your heart won’t be crying out for its soulmate? That man is under your skin and no matter what you do, he’s all you will be thinking about every leap, step and twirl you do. Think about this, Zara.”
Thinking is all I have been doing since that moment Grant first touched me. It’s torture.
“You can’t rehearse properly if he is constantly on your mind. You’re floating on the wave of emotion from love or multiple orgasms, whichever you like. Again, I think you know the answer to that, too. Grant is now going to be a distraction. Do you want him to be a good one or a bad one? Your choice, Zara, but think hard about the answer. If you push him away too hard, you may never get another chance. Is that really what you want?”
Natalie never pulls any punches with me. She is tough and played a big part in getting me back dancing. She takes no prisoners and is tough when she needs to be. When I need it. Under the tough exterior there’s the most beautiful soul who would give up her last coffee if you needed it. It sounds little but to Natalie that would be her world.
“Why do you have to make so much sense, Nat? You kill me. How do I go back and try to talk to him when I have just walked out on him? I just can’t do it. I can’t play with his emotions like that. It’s too cruel. Believe me, it’s better for everyone this way. By now he will be hating me so much he won’t even want to see me. He has the most beautiful caring soul hiding deep down but he also has the fire of a dominant controlling asshole. I know which Grant will be today.”
“Well, just think about what I said. You will have to eventually face him so make sure you are ready for that when the time comes. In the meantime, what are you going to do today? You can’t hide out at the gym all day.”
“I think I might go for a walk, clear my head and then head home to grab my things for the studio. I have plenty of administration to do. Then I can rehearse. If there is one place I know I can lose myself, it’s in my dancing. I missed rehearsing last night so I have to do double today. By the time I go to the studio Grant will have given up and I will be alone.” No matter what I do today, I know I won’t be alone in my head. Grant will be haunting me wherever I am.
“Well, I’m working until about two o’clock, so I am free after that if you need me. If you need to talk or you need a bodyguard to keep you safe from the big pissed off man, who will be hunting you down.”
We both burst out laughing as Nat starts imitating Grant stomping around the locker room arms up and growling like a bear. Not sure what I did to deserve Nat as a best friend. I was so blessed the day she walked into my life.
Grabbing my gym bag, I hug her tightly and tell her how much I love and appreciate her. Life wouldn’t be the same without her.
My gym bag hits the floor in the back of the car with a thud, while I ease myself slowly into the drivers’ seat. My body still aches. A good long walk will do me the world of good to stretch out and take the stiffness out of my body.
Now, to decide where to go so there’s no chance of running into Grant. That would be a disaster. The mountain trails sound great. Grant is a city boy and there’s no chance he will be out there. The peace of nature will help me clear my head. One can only hope.
21
Grant
Pretty sure I will make a perfect track around the sofa in Zara’s apartment. Zach called to say there’s no sign of her at the studio, saying he’ll go back and check later. He wants to spend the morning with Emily and Thomas at the hospital and then head back over if I don’t find her. She’ll have to turn up there sooner rather than later as she’ll need to prepare for her afternoon classes. I don’t want to see her with kids there as I am not sure I’ll be able to keep my voice at a respectable level, or that the words will come out PG-rated. So, it looks like I might be here for the long haul. I need to make myself comfortable.
I never watch much television because I don’t have time. There’s only trash on anyway, so there’s no point. Today, however, I’m locked in my own prison and need something to distract me. Flicking the remote, it confirms why I don’t watch much. In the rare times I have nothing to do, I prefer to read. Nothing is more relaxing than sitting with a scotch in my high-back leather chair, looking out at the skyline, with music playing softly in the background. It doesn’t happen too often, but I enjoy it when it does happen.
Surely Zara has some books around I can read. It must be better than sitting here going insane. Surveying the room, I see the bottom two shelves of a cabinet full of books. I wonder to myself why they are tucked down so low. Dropping to my knees I pull them out one at a time. A smirk spreads across my face. My girl has a nice collection of dirty little books down here. I haven’t found one yet that doesn’t have a half-naked man on the front. Some have some pretty sexy women, but mostly just men. So even though she has been single for a while, these are the men who keep her company at night. I wonder if she has any little toys she takes to bed with her, too.
Now I’m putting myself in pain with that vision. Zara, naked in bed, book in one hand toy in the other, head back, mouth open. Oh man, I need to see that in real life.
It gives me a sense of calm that no other man is in the picture at the moment. Mind you, I’m not sure I’m in the picture, either. Well, maybe Zara thinks she can take me out of it but that’s going to prove harder than she thinks.
My sisters would get great delight if they could see me now. On my knees, going through romance novels trying to choose something to read. That’s when I find the perfect one for today, titled ‘Love Hurts’. Well, isn’t that the truth. I don’t know what these women rave about, but I’m going to find out.
Perhaps I should find something to eat, then settle on the lounge for the long haul. Being pissed off always makes me hungry. If I am going to convince Zara to keep me around, she better stock-up on food in her cupboards. That woman manages to piss me off on a daily basis. Usually more than once. I will be starving all the time. Chuckling to myself, I know I will be starving for more than food if she’s around.
With coffee in one hand and a couple of toasted cheese sandwiches in the other, I finally settle down to read. Let’s see what this book has in store for me.
Watching the time and still constantly leaving messages on Zara’s phone asking her to talk to me, the day passes and still there’s no sign of her. I try to
keep myself calm knowing she will have to come home eventually. She didn’t have time to take much, so she can’t have gone far. Besides, she has the studio and the audition that are way too important to run from.
The sharp shrill of my phone makes me jump. Not that I will ever admit to my sisters, Zoe or Emily, but this book is sucking me in. This girl sounds pretty hot and the guy is pretty cocky which pisses her off. Sort of a familiar feeling.
“Zach, have you found her?” I blurt down the phone.
“Grant, it’s Em. Sorry, no he hasn’t. There has been no sign of her at the studio, but I just saw on Facebook dance group, a reminder that there are no classes today due to a school function. So, she has no need to be there. Maybe she’s gone to see friends. That’s what I would do. Do you know anything about her friends?”
“Em, sorry for yelling in your ear. Thanks for the update. I don’t know much about her friends other than Natalie and Xavier who are brother and sister. They’re personal trainers and have helped her get back to her best. I don’t even know where they live or work or a surname.” This woman is still such a mystery to me. I wonder why I care so much. Why I didn’t just screw up that note and walk out the door this morning. No woman has ever made me take a second glimpse.
“It’s okay, I understand. You’re pretty stressed.” Emily says
“Stressed is one word. Pissed off is another but most of all I’m worried, Em. I just want to know she’s all right. I have no idea how to do this. My world feels upside down. That’s not me. I run a multi-million-dollar company. I am the head of the family and take care of all of you. So why can’t I just control this too?”
“Love is different, Grant. There are no rules. There is no right or wrong. Just remember how confused you are feeling right now. Well, so is Zara. She is scared, confused and hurting. When she finally comes home, and she will, go easy. Tread carefully, otherwise she will either run again or will be more stubborn than you can handle, and she’ll push you further away. Give her space and time. She needs to be able to think clearly. There is a lot going on in her world and you need to respect that.”
“I know, but if she would just talk to me, I can help her. I think she’s amazing and I don’t want to hurt her. I promised if she let me in for just one night, I would walk away. My arrogance never expected she would still want that. What we shared was so much more. I can’t do it, Em. I can’t walk away like I promised.”
“Oh, Grant, you may not have a choice. You may have to respect her wishes and walk away, but know that it is a short walk and when she’s ready, just be there waiting. You may have to take on her hurt for a while until she gets through the audition. Is she worth carrying her hurt and yours for a while?”
“I would walk through fire for her, if that is what she needs. I don’t know if I can do it, even if that’s what she needs. I understand what you’re saying. Let’s hope I can charm her and I don’t have to work out how to walk away. Because that will hurt like a fucking bastard.”
“I will be here to help. So will Zach. He understands more about how you’re feeling. One day, sit down and talk to him, it may help put things into perspective. He walked away to protect me and the kids. It almost killed him. What it did however, was give me time to realize how much I need and definitely want him. Maybe that’s what Zara needs. She just needs time to see what she’s missing out on by walking away.” I hear Thomas starting to stir in the background.
“Thank you for everything, Em. I would be lost without you. I’ve never been able to share much with my family, not because I don’t love them. It’s just hard to be the head of the family and be vulnerable. It just doesn’t work. My job is to be there for them.”
“You, silly man. They all look up to you, but it doesn’t mean they want that at the expense of a life for yourself. In the meantime, I’m here for you always. You are the brother I never had, and I like to think I have become your more sensible sister out of the crew.”
“You certainly have that right. I can hear my nephew is needing his mom. Give him a big kiss for me and I owe you a hug or two when I get out the prison-like apartment. Maybe that’s the answer. I will just tie her up and keep her as my prisoner forever.” We both laugh knowing I would only last five seconds with Zara’s mouth giving me hell. She still is the most powerful and sassy woman I know.
“Zach is back from the cafeteria, so I’ll go. You’re right, it’s feeding time for Thomas. If all goes well tonight, we will be heading home tomorrow. I expect a visit and that hug when I get home. Just breathe, it will work out how it’s meant to. Call if you need me. I mean it, Grant, anytime, day or night. It’s not like I will be sleeping anytime soon. Take care and let me know what happens.”
“Thanks, Em, for everything. I will be out tomorrow for sure. You’re one awesome woman and my brother is one very lucky man.”
“Stop hitting on my wife, go find your own.” Zach’s voice booms down the line.
I laugh to myself. “I’m trying man, let me assure you, I am trying. She is just hard to find at this present time. Talk to you both tomorrow.”
Suddenly my stomach decides it is time to eat. I’ve missed lunch and it is nearly dinner time but I’m not sure I can stomach another cheese sandwich. I may have to think about ordering in some food. At least there will be something here for when Zara finally comes home.
Thank god for smart phones and food apps. I’m not sure what Zara will like, so I order a variety of food. There’ll be way too much, but I want to make sure whatever she wants is here. Plus, I am starving… and not just for food.
With enough food to feed my family, I start to eat the burrito so at least it will shut up my stomach. The rest will wait until Zara is here. Maybe it will stop her from being so pissed off with me, because I am still here.
Settled back on the sofa with my book, I start the wait again. Although it was hard this morning, I’d managed to calm myself after talking to Emily. Now all I can do is wait it out and remain calm.
The waiting’s easy. It’s the staying calm that’s the problem. I don’t have a good track record of that.
As soon as I hear the keys in the door, all calmness goes out the window.
Game on, babe!
Zara
Walking for hours has helped to stretch my muscles. Pity it hasn’t done a thing to help me answer the five thousand questions I keep asking myself. I was hoping the fresh air, beautiful scenery and quietness would help. It just gave me more questions and no more answers.
There’s one thing I know that will clear my head and that’s to get to the studio and dance. It has always brought me peace and clarity. Walking up the stairs to the apartment, I’m amazed at how hungry I feel, and it occurs to me I haven’t eaten anything all day. That’s really bad for me. I need to keep my body fully-hydrated and fed to stay at optimum level ready for the audition and hopefully what will follow.
From memory, there’s not much left in the cupboards, but I will just make a sandwich and then grab something on the way to the studio. One of the neighbors must be cooking something pretty good, because the smell in the stairwell is amazing.
Whatever it is, it will put my cheese sandwich to shame. But it will have to do until I can get more food.
Opening the door, the smell suddenly hits me stronger. And so does the vision of him. There he is.
Still in my apartment.
On my sofa.
In jeans and no shirt, looking delicious.
This is not what I need.
“Grant,” I whisper, frozen in the doorway. I never thought he would wait for me. It didn’t even enter my mind. I thought he would chase me. Instead, he never left. I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this. Not now.
“Where the fuck did you go?” he growls. He was just like I knew he would be. Angry and ready to tear me apart.
“The note…I explained…please don’t do this…I can’t,” my voice trails off. I almost plead with him, trying to hold back tears. I don’t want to break do
wn. Normally, him speaking like that would have had me giving it straight back to him. I just can’t, though. Not today. I deserve it for all I’ve done.
“You promised…one night…you promised.” No matter how hard I try, the tears fall anyway. I have been beating myself up all day. The exhaustion and lack of sleep last night kicked me fair in the stomach as I opened the door.
“Baby, please don’t cry. Please talk to me. We need to talk this through. Give me a chance. Then if you need me to walk out that door, I will.” I’m in his arms and the world that felt like it was off its axis all day is once again still. “It will be the hardest thing I will ever do but if that is what you need, I’ll do it for you.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. That’s the problem. You confuse me and calm me all at the same time,” I manage in between sobs. His arms wrap so tightly I can’t move. It’s like he has hold of me again and isn’t game enough to let me go.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay. I know, I feel it too. For a little woman you sure have me in knots and turning my world upside down.”
He guides me to the sofa, so we can sit. I know I need to pull away from him, but I can’t. His arms feel like home.
Grant doesn’t give me a choice. He has me curled up in his lap like a child. Giving me comfort until I’m strong enough. Strong enough for what, I have no idea.
He doesn’t talk, he just holds me. Stroking my back and placing tiny kisses on my head, giving me time to pull myself together.
All the hard work I’d done this morning has gone to waste. He’s here, and I’m right where I want to be. Not where I need to be, but where I want to be.
“Grant.”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Because I don’t know how to,” he speaks so softly, like he’s ashamed he isn’t strong enough.
That’s our whole problem. Neither of us know how to walk away. No matter how strong I’m trying to be, I just don’t know how to walk away. How do you walk away from someone who feels like home?