by Karen Deen
Time to move forward.
Unlocking the door to the studio gives me strange tingles. I’ve never really thought about how much this place means to me. At first, it was just a way to keep in touch with the dance world while I tried to rehabilitate my knee. It became so much more.
My students gave me life with their love of dance. They didn’t see me as a broken dancer. They saw me as their teacher who gave them knowledge and fun every week.
So many of them have started their dance journey with me, and now are passing exams at a high level. They could easily have dance as a career. I had approached my studio with a different angle than perhaps I would have if I hadn’t been injured.
Although I concentrate on correct technique and style, having fun is also a priority. I am very aware of injury prevention. I never want any of my dancers to suffer my fate. I try to be a positive role model for them all. I want them to know their ability does not define them as a person. Dance can be such an individual art form and I never want any child to feel they are competing against other students. All I want is for each of them to reach their full potential, at whatever level that may be.
Many phone calls later, I’m standing in the middle of the studio warming up ready for the afternoon classes. The students aren’t due for another thirty minutes, but I hear the door downstairs close and a couple pairs of feet running up the stairs. My heart stops, and I hold my breath.
Hearing Sammy and Sophia’s voices, I freeze. Is Grant here? Do I want it to be him? My heart screams yes, but my head and my stomach yell no. I won’t be able to face him. Not yet, anyway. It’s still too raw.
A part of me is annoyed by his message response. There was not one mention of the letter or a reaction to me saying I love him. Perhaps I misjudged what I mean to him. Maybe it isn’t as much as he means to me.
The twins burst through the door giggling as they always do. Their smiles are contagious as they argue about who won the race.
“Miss Zara!” Sophia races to me and hugs my legs.
“Hi, gorgeous girl. How are you today? Hi, Samuel.”
“Good, thank you. I’m excited to dance today.” She smiles up at me. This little girl has no idea how many hearts she will capture and melt as she moves through life.
“I am great, Miss Zara,” Samuel calls from across the room as he stands at the bar and mirror, pretending to dance and pull faces at himself. Where Sophia will melt hearts, Sammy will bring smiles to hearts no matter where he goes.
I’m unsure if I want to ask, but before I can, the door opens and I see Emily with Thomas in her arms.
“I seriously need to lose some of that weight you left behind, Thomas, or Miss Zara needs to get a lift installed for the unfit mothers.” Emily chuckles to herself as she walks across to Sophia and me.
Before I can say anything to Emily, a little voice speaks.
“Did you win the competition, Miss Zara? Are you the best dancer?”
“Oh, sweetie, it wasn’t a competition to be the best dancer. It was an audition to see if I could join some other dancers in a show. But to answer your question…” I look at Emily, “yes, I was chosen to dance with the New York Dance Company.”
She jumps up and down with excitement while I watch Emily’s shoulders slump a little. She knows what that means. It’s only for a split second, but I see the sadness she instantly feels for Grant and me.
Pushing that aside, she wraps me in her arms and congratulates me. Poor Thomas is squished between two sets of breasts. He starts to protest a little at this which makes us both look down and chuckle.
“I bet when he’s older he won’t complain so much about that,” she whispers and grins at me.
“You should be very proud of yourself. That’s the most amazing news. You are going to be living your dream. How exciting.”
“The last forty-eight hours has been a whirlwind. That’s for sure. I am happy about it. It’s just…”
“Grant.” Emily only has to say one word. She knows exactly what’s going on in my head.
“Zara, I know it hurts. He’s hurting too. He would never want you to give up on your dream, though. You do know that, right?”
“How is he? Is he okay?” I already know the answer, but I need to ask the question.
“Yesterday he was doing it tough.” I wonder if that’s from my letter.
“Have you spoken to him today?”
“No, have you?”
“I can’t. It’s just too hard…for us both.”
“Zara, he understands. He truly does. That doesn’t mean it hurts you both any less, but he knows you need to do this. You need to believe in yourself and do this, too. If it is meant to be then there will be a time where it will happen. It just isn’t meant to be now.”
As much as I tell myself I won’t cry, tears fall down my cheeks.
“Just never give up on either dream. Don’t give up on him.”
“A bit hard when he has given up on me,” I mumble under my breath.
“Don’t bet on it. He may be one of the most stubborn men I know but he isn’t stupid. Trust me.”
Thomas again breaks the void in conversation.
“I don’t have long before he’s due for a feed. I just want to see you and check on how you went. Make sure you’re okay.
“Now, tell me the plans for the studio now that you’re moving.”
Pulling myself together again, I explain about a friend who’s going to be running the studio while I’m away. I danced for years with her and she’s about the only person I trust with my students. Sophia is excited about me “winning”, as she said, but I know there will be tears when she finally understands it means I’m leaving her.
More students start to filter in for class, so Emily heads out to feed Thomas at the park with Samuel. A part of me I never knew existed until now feels a longing for that to be me.
All these new emotions are exhausting. It’s days like today I wish my mom lived closer. I want my rabbit and to be able to curl up in the corner and hope tomorrow is a better day. Have my dad make me laugh and my mom tell me, no matter what the sun will always rise tomorrow.
Time to put the wheels in motion for my new life. First, we dance and then I share my news. Then I’ll pick up all the sad little ones who I will miss just as much as they will miss me.
Grant
It’s been a long time since I had a killer hangover headache like I have this morning. My head is pounding, stomach feels off and my eyes hurt like fucking hell. I’m not sure my sunglasses will be leaving my face today.
I should have stopped at two scotches last night. I’m not sure how many I actually had. In the end, I was just swigging from the bottle. That shit is not me. I don’t lose control. Ever.
I need to just get on with it today. Lock down my thoughts of Zara and move forward. That’s what she told me to do. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but for her, I’ll try. Somehow, I will get through it.
My staff thought yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday’s nothing compared to how fucked today will be.
They better be avoiding me at all costs and just do their bloody jobs properly.
Man, I am glad I don’t drink like this all the time. Today has been the longest day ever. I should’ve just stayed home because I’m not sure how productive I was anyway.
Standing in my shower letting the water run over me, my muscles feel sore, but not from running or anything physical. They’re tense from stress. I don’t even feel like eating tonight, I just want sleep. I hope that happens as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Leaning against the tiles, I try to think of anything except her.
My mind wanders to the phone call I had with Luke this afternoon. It was the weirdest call. He was very vague as to what he was doing and where he was staying. I could have sworn I heard a girl’s voice in the background that was somehow familiar.
It’s really starting to bug me that I don’t know what’s going on. I normally know everything in my sibl
ings lives but lately, there are secrets being kept. I hate it. First Zach, now Luke. What the hell is happening? I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and I need to stop it.
Tomorrow, Grant the CEO, head of the family, the arrogant, and cocky man is back. Everyone will be reminded exactly how this works. Whether they like it or not.
“Jeez, what crawled up his ass?” Lilly mumbles as I leave her and Alesha’s office.
“Heard that,” I growl.
“Good, you’re being an ass!” Lilly yells as I walk away. “We don’t always have to do what you say.”
It’s been a week and I’ve been laying the law down in the office and with my sisters. Zach is due back to work next week and Luke will be home from wherever he’s been hiding out.
I’ve already called a family meeting first day back and they will all be getting the same lecture. Get their shit together and if they don’t start communicating between the family, I will lose my shit.
Things need to get back to normal around here. My normal, not theirs.
30
Zara
If I thought when I left, there would be time for me to be sad, I was gravely mistaken. I have never worked so hard physically and mentally to learn a full show routine in such a short space of time.
At this elite level, there’s no time to take it slow. It’s your responsibility to keep up or you’re out of the company. I live, eat and breathe dance. It was what I had dreamed of for all those years, to be paid to do something I love every single day.
We’re getting close to opening night. I’ve sent Mom and Dad tickets along with Natalie and Xavier. Because I’m new to the company, I get the chance to buy front row seats. They’re all so excited to see me and the show. I miss them all so much. Even though I don’t see my parents that often, I haven’t even had time to call them very much. They understand, but I still feel bad.
Nat and I message every day, but I miss seeing her every morning. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I even miss Xavier working my ass to the bone.
No matter how busy I am or tired I feel, my first thought of the day and the last thing I think of at night is him. He never left my mind or my heart. Each day I’m hoping it will get easier, but it’s only getting harder. I miss Grant more than I ever imagined.
I miss the fiery banter.
His arrogance and cockiness.
Hot, hard sex against the bedroom wall.
But most of all, I miss the tender kisses and the way his hands feel on my body as we made love.
I miss him calling me Baby.
I just miss him.
When I organized the opening night tickets, I wanted so much to purchase one for him. It would just be cruel to send one out of the blue when I walked out of his life two months ago. He’s doing what I asked him to. He’s moved on and is living his life.
Part of me knows it’s the biggest mistake of my life.
I have received a couple of letters from Sophia and Samuel with pictures they’ve drawn for me. Emily has kept in touch the whole time, which I love. A tiny part of me knows by hearing from her, everything is okay at home. We never discuss Grant, it’s just easier on me that way.
The kids’ pictures are on my wall in my one-bedroom apartment. They make me smile every day. One of the pictures Sophia sent is of her, her brothers, Grant and I. Grant’s in a suit and I’m in a pink tutu. He has a grumpy looking face. When I facetimed the kids, I asked Sophia about the picture and Grant’s face. She told me since I moved away Uncle Grant’s sad and grumpy all the time. She even hears her dad and mom talking about it.
That just makes me feel fabulous about what I’ve done to him. I know he will be hurt, but that hits home. I danced like crap that night. My choreographer was all over me, yelling at me to keep up and not look so sloppy. I just don’t feel like being there at all.
Some nights, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, he invades my thoughts and I can’t stop it. My dreams are full of him.
There’s one dream in particular I keep having but never seem to get to the end. It’s the one where we’re finally together. We’re walking into a garden, hand in hand. Grant turns to me and says, “Well, what do you say?” The dream finishes before I find out what’s happening or why he’s asking me such a question. It’s becoming more of a nightmare.
I have tomorrow off to rest and then the following night is Opening Night. Everyone flying in the afternoon of the show and we have organized to meet up after for drinks. I’m desperate to see them all. I’m feeling homesick and I know if I see them before the show I will be too emotional.
I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow with my free day. It will be the first one I’ve had since I arrived here. New York is such a magical place. So much to see and do. I just wish I had someone to share it with. I have never needed anyone before. I was always confident to travel on my own. Wanting someone to share that with is not a sign of weakness. I don’t need a man to look after me. However, I would love the joy of sharing new experiences. So many places here are meant to be viewed from being snuggled in the arms of your one and only.
Tomorrow will be a day for reading, I think. I don’t need to be wandering the streets feeling lonely. I need to stay focused for Opening Night. I wasn’t a huge reader before my injury, but Natalie put me on to romance books that are a little on the naughty side. Who am I kidding? They’re a lot on the naughty side, which I love. Hot men who remind me of Grant. Controlling, serious, alpha males, who deep down have a soft side that only the right woman can bring out. My favorites are the ones where the girls won’t take crap from them and challenge them at every turn. Deep down though, they just want to be loved and cared for. I know why I relate to those characters. They are me.
Sometimes, when I’m reading the steamy sex scenes, I close my eyes and imagine it’s Grant. That usually ends in a cold shower or my battery- operated-friend getting a workout. Grant told me that while he’s around, I will never need that friend. So instead, I just picture him every single time. Those images I commit to memory, play over and over.
This is not helping me relax. Instead, it’s taking me back to that place.
The one where I feel at home.
The one I miss terribly.
The place that makes me feel the happiest I have ever been.
That one place that I will never get to feel again.
Instead of making dinner, I need some air. A good brisk walk to clear my head and try to stop my muscles tightening up from all the swirling feelings. They are stuck in my head, stomach and heart. The feelings about Grant, that I can no longer allow myself to think about.
Maybe if I walk for long enough I’ll be so tired my eyes will shut as soon as I lay down.
Yeah, right.
Grant
“Uncle Grant, Uncle Grant, can you push me on the swing, please?” Sophia calls across the yard at Zach’s. She looks at me with big eyes that suck me in every single time. How can I resist?
“On my way, princess. I will just give Thomas back to Mom.” Looking down at the sleeping little boy in my arms, I have a feeling he’s going to be more like Sophia than Samuel. He seems so peaceful whenever I see him. Not that I know anything about kids. I didn’t even think I would ever want any.
One thing changed that.
My Zara
I want more than anything to see her standing in front of me with a huge baby bump, growing and taking care of the child we made, from the love we share. I will be standing behind her with my arms wrapped around them both, loving and protecting them.
“Thanks, man. I will take him while you attend to the urgent swing pushing.” Zach laughs as he leans over and takes him before Emily’s even got a chance. “You will be fine here with me, little man, while Uncle Grant keeps your big sister happy.”
“Come on, Luke, you can push Sammy before I get slammed with pushing both at once.” I smack him on the back the head as I walk past.
“Ow! What was that for? Why do you a
ll do that?” Luke asks as he gets to his feet.
“No reason,” I chuckle while heading down the stairs.
The family is at Zach’s place for no reason in particular, just one of those afternoons where word went out that there would be food on the grill for anyone who wanted to turn up.
I have nothing else to do except work. I’m back working seven days a week. It’s the only thing keeping me sane. I work weekends from home, but it’s still working. If I can say one good thing that’s come out of Zara leaving, it would be that business is back on track. I’m that focused, nothing slips by me and I push everyone to make sure everything’s under control.
I have my control back.
Everyone complains about me being an asshole but that’s just me on a good day. I don’t get up every day trying to be grumpy, it just usually ends up that way.
Like I said, that’s the only good thing about Zara leaving. The rest is fucked.
I miss her like crazy. I haven’t heard a word from her. Not that I expect to. I’m no better. I haven’t reached out to her. Every day I want to break that silence. Until I stop and remind myself why I did what I did.
Emily drops in conversation every few days little bits of their talks which gives me some peace. I know while she’s talking to Em, everything is fine.
Part of it pisses me off, knowing she’s settled in New York and moved on so quick without me. I wonder what she feels. Does she miss me? Does she still think of me?
Emily has dropped in conversation enough times over the last few weeks that her opening night is in two days. I guess she’ll be busy preparing for that. I hope she’s handling the stress.
I remember back to the mess she was in when I found her on the floor in the studio the night before the audition. I hope she’s handling it better this time. Reality is, it wasn’t the audition necessarily stressing her, it was me and the confusion surrounding it. Well, at least this time she won’t have to worry about that. She cut those feelings off months ago.