Ultimately, there are no do-overs in life. So, to answer the question, would I blend again? Yes. But not for a long while, and definitely not before I actually discuss every fucking detail or all the bullshit issues I now know will rear their ugly heads, rather than just relying on a leap of faith and glorious love. While I am part of the 66 percent of blended families that fail, there’s a 75 percent chance that my next partner (and I am confident that I will have a next partner) will have children. I will not repeat the same mistakes. I will know to temper my expectations. I will know what to expect. I will make sure we discuss everything, down to what kind of deodorant my future next partner uses.
But for now, all I know is that tonight, just me and my daughter and my son are laughing together at the table over dinner. My daughter is standing on a chair and doing a silly dance, and my son is laughing. Everything feels … light. I no longer feel suffocated, and as if I constantly have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I no longer have to try and work on “Us.” I no longer hide, either in my bedroom or my car. I’m now excited to walk into my clutter-free house. I buy my own groceries and, well, I’ve found my smile again. My kids are not only all right, they are downright happy!
Yet, for all I perceive as Ex-Boyfriend’s faults, I sometimes miss him terribly. But I no longer am worried that someone, or everyone, is angry at me over a perceived slight. I no longer expect anything from Ex-Boyfriend. It turns out it is possible to lower your expectations. I do shed many tears over the breakup, and even after he moves out I wonder if we tried our best, asking him numerous times if he thinks breaking up was the right choice.
Then, one day, I wake up after a good night’s sleep, eat breakfast, and head to the office before realizing that I haven’t thought of Ex-Boyfriend at all. I also realize that I am, literally, skipping down the street, like I don’t have a care in the world. I park my car in the middle of the two-car driveway … because I can. And it feels so, so good.
Boyfriend has blocked me from his social media accounts, maybe out of necessity or maybe to hurt me. I know it’s mostly because he doesn’t want me to see what he’s doing, but also, he probably doesn’t want to see what I’m doing. Still, one day, on my son’s iPad that comes and goes with him from Ex-Boyfriend’s house to my house, I see that Ex-Boyfriend has composed a profile for a dating website, which he obviously forgot to erase. He writes, “Young at heart, easygoing, outgoing, into music, dogs, great sense of humour, witty, travel often, athletic, love being outdoors, cards and board games in winter. Cherish friends and family. Looking for someone fun, witty, intelligent, down-to-earth, and most importantly, someone who smiles. Six-year-old son 50%.”
I can’t help but laugh. The person he’s described and is looking to date is me. At least the pre-blend me. If I had not known Ex-Boyfriend and we were both on the same dating app, I’m pretty certain we’d be a match. The irony is not lost on me. Neither is the fact that he has somehow — poof! — come up with the money to pay $3,300 a month, plus utilities and internet, to rent his own place.
Because he is the father of my son, no matter how much he has disappointed me in the past, and often continues to disappoint me, I wish him the best. No matter how much he hurt me, and after all the years of suffering and trying, a part of me will always have his back. Still, aside from being the father of my child, he is now practically a stranger to me. Maybe one day we will be friends. But not today. Not tomorrow. Not for a long while. Again, this is my story. We couldn’t make blended splendid, but many do. I bow down to successful blended families, because it really is “so, so hard.”
For the first time in years, I feel free. I am free from all the bullshit of blending and the toll it took on me emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I feel like me again. I’ll never be 100 percent certain if we tried hard enough, but I’m now happy. No longer are there any more arguments held in the backyard. My house is clutter-free, literally and emotionally.
I know one thing for certain, after all this blended, then un-blended, bullshit. I will never, ever eat meatloaf again. That’s for fucking sure.
· ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ·
Thank you to the entire team at Dundurn Press for recognizing the importance of a book like this. Thank you, Dominic Farrell, for your wonderful edits. It was nothing short of blissful to work with you. Thank you, Elena Radic, for overseeing this book and bringing it to fruition, from start to finish. Thank you, Jenny Govier, for your perfect copy-edits. Thank you, Sarah Beaudin, for your beautiful cover design, which exceeded all expectations. Thank you, Sophie Paas-Lang, for your amazing work on the interior design. A massive shout out to Sarah Miniaci for your endless energy in promoting this book. You’re truly the best of the best in what you do! Thanks also to publicist Saba Eitizaz. Thank you freelance proofreader Dawn Hunter for catching any errors with your wicked eye. Thank you to my agent, Sam Hiyate, for also recognizing the importance of this book. To my wonderful family, thank you for your unwavering support. To my wonderful daughter, Rowan, your maturity, advice, and unwavering loyalty kept me strong and continues to keep me strong. I’m beyond proud to be your mother. To my wonderful son, Holt, you make me laugh like no other. You are a true blessing. Thank you to all of you who spoke to me about your experiences blending. Thank you to the team at SavvyMom, who continues to inspire me to write about family. Thank you to my wonderful army of girlfriends for being there, especially when times were tough. You definitely stepped up when I needed you the most and for that I’m eternally grateful. And a sweet wink to “Badass,” who helped put me back together when I was broken. For that, I am also eternally grateful. And, last but most certainly not least, a huge shout out to freelance editor Leslie Kennedy, who helped shape the book from the start, held my hand throughout the process when I slipped into insecurity mode, and who was also the first to read the chapters. Your on-point advice, opinion, and strong editing skills were indispensable, as was your sense of humour. I’m beyond grateful that you agreed to come along on this ride. You are a true star.
· ABOUT THE AUTHOR ·
PHOTO BY NEIL BASS
Rebecca Eckler is one of Canada’s best-known journalists and authors. She is the international bestselling author of Knocked Up, Toddlers Gone Wild, Wiped!, and How to Raise a Boyfriend. Rebecca has been a columnist at the National Post and the Globe and Mail and her work has appeared in the New York Times and Los Angeles Times, as well as in numerous magazines and on parenting blogs across North America. She is the executive editor of SavvyMom, a website for all things parenting related. Rebecca won Best Columnist two years in a row at the Canadian Online Publishing Awards. She lives in Toronto with her daughter, Rowan, and her son, Holt.
· OF RELATED INTEREST ·
Falling for London
A Cautionary Tale
Sean Mallen
When Sean Mallen finally landed his dream job, it fell on him like a ton of bricks. The veteran journalist was ecstatic when he unexpectedly got the chance he’d always craved: to be a London-based foreign correspondent. It meant living in a great city and covering great events, starting with the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. Except: his tearful wife and six-year-old daughter hated the idea of uprooting their lives and moving to another country.
Falling for London is the hilarious and touching story of how he convinced them to go, how they learned to live in and love that wondrous but challenging city, and how his dream came true in ways he could have never expected.
Do You Ever Cry, Dad?
A Father’s Guide to Surviving
Family Breakup
I.J. Schecter
Divorce and separation are overwhelmingly sad, especially when kids are involved. In Do You Ever Cry, Dad? I.J. Schecter shares his experience, stories from other fathers, and insights from family experts to provide practical and emotional support to dads going through the anguish of a split, and to help them maintain a loving and healthy relationship with those who matter most in their lives: their children.
; Filled with emotional and practical help, concrete research, and a deep understanding of the pain and processing marital breakup involves, Do You Ever Cry, Dad? aims to help dads get themselves and their kids through one of the hardest changes in their lives. Honest, heartfelt, and compassionate, this book is here to instill in any dad hope in place of the despair and hurt he may be keeping to himself.
Co-Parenting From The Inside Out
Voices of Moms and Dads
Karen L. Kristjanson
Foreword by Edward Kruk
Effective co-parenting, or sharing significant parenting time with an ex-spouse, is one of the best gifts separated parents can give to their children. The interviews in Co-Parenting from the Inside Out are with real moms and dads in diverse circumstances, showing them making choices, sometimes struggling, and often growing. Their stories offer insights into wise decision-making, as well as practical strategies that strengthen families. Parents can see that they are not alone as they navigate their feelings and build a future. While pain exists in most stories, there is also hope. Co-parents often feel that they have become more confident and compassionate, and parent better than before. The effects of their personal growth and their children’s are the silver lining in the dark pain of divorce.
Karen L. Kristjanson has brought together real life co-parenting stories that inspire separated parents and help them understand co-parenting better, offering practical tips and tools that directly benefit families.
Book Credits
Acquiring Editor: Scott Fraser
Developmental Editor: Dominic Farrell
Project Editor: Elena Radic
Copy Editor: Jenny Govier
Proofreader: Dawn Hunter
Cover Designer: Sarah Beaudin
Interior Designer: Sophie Paas-Lang
Publicist: Saba Eitizaz
Blissfully Blended Bullshit Page 25