by C. X. Moreau
“Maybe, son, but I don’t think so,” said Whitney. Downs felt his throat tighten as the staff sergeant continued, “Sometimes it matters more that you did the right thing when it was your turn than getting an award or a medal. Ultimately, it’s the kind of man you know you are that matters most. Not the ribbons and badges. Remember that, Corporal Downs.”
“I will, Staff Sergeant. Thanks,” said Downs.
Whitney looked around him at the Marines making their way rearward, toward the beach, with its waiting landing craft and myriad of activity. He slapped Downs on the shoulder and said, “Well, off to do my duty. Keep your squad alert, Corporal Downs.”
Downs grunted a reply, then turned back toward the civilians who remained at the edge of their village, as Whitney joined up with the other squads. Within minutes first squad was back on its feet and headed for the coast road. Downs knew the squad would pause there while other units that were delayed were lifted off the beach.
The ground began to take on a gentle rise and Downs knew that they were close to the beach road. Already he could detect the faint smell of salt spray in the chilly air. Rounding a curve in the road the ground fell away and he could see the beach with its confusion of activity.
Flags marking sectors of the beach for the bosuns flew at regular intervals and the flat-bottomed LCUs periodically grounded themselves in their assigned places and took on loads of men and equipment. The ships of the fleet had pulled in as close to the shoreline as they dared and a steady stream of small craft swam between them and the beach.
On the beach, pockets of men rested in neat rows waiting for their transport to the ships. Everywhere there was movement, most of it centered around the two temporary causeways as units edged their way closer to this common departure point. From the center of the activity the beachmaster screamed commands into a megaphone from atop his tower, attempting to lend order to the confusion.
Downs searched the scrub along the dunes and found the tanks. They were sitting low in the sand, their chassis dug into prepared positions, the main guns pointed menacingly toward the coastal highway. On the nearest tank he could make out the crew attaching the fording gear. He reasoned that they must be nearly through with the back-load if the tanks were preparing to pull off the beach.
Helicopter gunships swung low overhead and swept the length of the beach as Downs calculated the time remaining. The back-load would take most of the day. He would arrive on ship sometime in late afternoon or early evening. In the meantime all he had to do was stay alert and wait. He settled farther into the sandy depression he had found between two mounds of saw grass and drew his field jacket tight over his chest.
His mind began to wander and he thought of how good it would feel to get a real shower on ship. Clean, hot water and a hot meal. He would sleep in a real bed for a change, one with sheets. The voyage back to Spain would be easy. They would stop for a few days at the naval base in Spain, clean vehicles and gear, and then they would be on their way back to the States.
He tried to think of her and realized suddenly that he hadn’t thought about her in weeks. He tried to visualize her face, but nothing would come to him. He forced himself to think of the times they had spent together. Long summer evenings on the front porch of her house when they had talked about nothing for hours.
He realized with a start that the scene was familiar to him. The soft summer evenings, the muted voices from inside her house, the quiet moments when they had sat in silence and held hands, but he could not focus on her. No image of her came to him, and no sense of loss for her.
Before, when he had daydreamed of her, it was as if she were there. For a few moments he would be lost in his reverie and he could smell her perfume or feel the warmth of her face pressed against his. He closed his eyes and struggled to remember her. To recall her walk, or the way she laughed, something she had said to him on some long-ago night spent with each other in the darkness. He tried to remember the way it felt when she touched his neck, or the softness of her voice in the quiet.
He ran his hand inside his pocket and brought out her last letter. He looked at the worn envelope, its edges frayed and soft from months in his pocket. He took the letter from the envelope and began to read the words there. Without finishing the first paragraph he knew that it was over. He no longer hurt when he read her words.
Downs sighed softly and looked at the neat script, the pages beginning to come apart where she had folded them. He scooped a hole in the sand with one hand then put the letter inside it. As he brushed the sand over the envelope he thought once very quickly of her and smiled softly to himself, then shook the sand from his hand and rose to check the squad.
EPILOGUE
They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them.
—Lawrence Binyon (1869–1943)
She smiled softly and turned to look at him. He sat there quietly in his blue suit, looking straight ahead. Next to him sat their youngest daughter, a mass of golden hair encircling her face, her hands tucked into the crook of his arm.
She looked past him to the stately brick buildings lining the quadrangle, their sturdy white columns freshly painted. The lawn had been cut the previous day and the smell of fresh mown grass drifted up to her as the sun began to climb over the roof of the building behind her. The neat rows of folding chairs were filled with the parents of the graduates, and cameras flashed here and there in the crowd as students accepted their diplomas. She looked back to him and knew that he was gone again. He’s going to miss it, she thought. He’ll be daydreaming. As the next row of students rose to accept their diplomas the little girl plucked her father’s sleeve and said, “Look, Daddy!”
“I know,” he said quietly, and she watched to see that he noticed their oldest daughter approaching the stage to accept her diploma. She saw him tug at the sleeve of his suit coat, pulling it over the faded scar on his right wrist. She had seen that gesture a thousand times. As if by hiding the scar from view he could erase it from his mind. But you can’t, can you, Steven Downs? The best you can do is push it down inside and never show that part of yourself to anyone. What happened to you over there? You were so sweet and innocent before. And now there is a dark part of you that you are afraid to let me know. They took a part of you from me, and they have it still.
Something in her resented this part of him that he refused to share with her. It had been difficult in the beginning. He had come back and she had been away at college. She had dated other boys. She had been happy. And then she had seen him. All the old feelings had come rushing back to her in that brief instant when she glimpsed him across a crowded street. Standing on the sidewalk that day long ago, among her friends, she knew that she had been wrong to hurt him.
It had been awkward at first. Eventually they had started seeing each other again. She had hoped that things would return to the way they were before. Everything seemed normal enough. They dated. He transferred to her university in order to be closer to her. Everything seemed fine. Friends said how good it was to see them together again.
She knew that she made him happy, but it wasn’t like before. He had changed. He was no longer the open honest boy she had known all her life. At first she had waited for him to come to her, to tell her of his hurt, what had happened to him. He had never spoken of it to her and eventually she had asked him about it. His answers had been evasive and noncommittal. She had felt as though he was deliberately hiding something from her so as to punish her. She came to believe, and she had held the belief for a number of years, that he was keeping a part of himself separate from her and from their relationship.
For a long time it had lain dormant between them. But it had been there. After they were married she would find him sitting alone in a darkened room in the middle of the night. She asked for an explanation only once. He had turned the light off and said “no.” The sadness and resignation in his voice
had been enough to keep her from ever asking again. And so it had been for the twenty-odd years of their life together. In her mind everything was separated by the time before he went away and the time since his return. She had no idea what had happened to him during his months in Lebanon, and no way of asking him about it. She had come to accept that it was private, and that he had no intention of sharing it with her. She had accepted his decision because she had no choice. She had always loved him, and she knew that he loved her.
The birth of their first child changed him for the better. He was enthralled by the little girl. With his child he lost his reserve and she saw the old innocent Steven shine through the mask he wore. The terrible sadness she sensed in him faded when he played with his daughter. When the little girl had started talking he had begun taking her for long walks. They would be gone for hours sometimes, just the two of them. She sensed, more than knew, that the child was having a healing effect on his soul. Steven had always favored her, although not obviously, and she knew the little girl had touched him in a place she could no longer reach.
They both watched as their oldest child crossed the stage and accepted her diploma. She put her hand on his, covering the faded scar on his wrist, and as he turned toward her, she smiled.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS AND ABBREVIATIONS
ACTUAL: Used to designate the commander of a unit as opposed to the radioman who would normally relay commands. “Six Actual” designates the actual unit commander, with “Six” representing the commander.
AK-47: Infantry assault rifle issued to various armies, including the Syrian Army. Carried by many militia organizations in Lebanon.
AL LAYLAKAH: A suburb of Beirut just east of the airport in the southern portion of the greater Beirut area.
ALPHA COMPANY: Designation for the first company of the first battalion of any Marine Infantry Regiment. Other companies in the first battalion of any infantry regiment would be Bravo, Charlie, Headquarters and Service Company, Weapons, etc.
ALPHA SIX: Designates the commander of Alpha Company, with “Six” being the designation for commander of the unit.
AMAL: One of several political groups formed by the Lebanese Shiites. Amal is also the Arabic word for “hope.” Various militia groups and organizations were formed by Amal throughout its history.
AMTRAC: An amphibious tractor, official designation Landing Vehicle Tracked Personnel-7 (LVTP-7). An armored vehicle capable of ferrying approximately twenty-four Marines from ship to shore. Lightly armed with a .50 caliber machine gun, its primary role is that of an amphibious armored personnel carrier. Once ashore it can be used as transport for small units.
BACK-LOAD: Term used to refer to the removal of men and equipment from positions ashore to shipboard.
BATTALION AID STATION (BAS): The unit comprised of USN hospital corpsmen and other medical personnel and attached to a USMC battalion. Individual hospital corpsmen are attached to companies and platoons as needed and accompany Marine patrols to treat casualties.
BATTALION LANDING TEAM (BLT): A designation for a task-oriented unit formed from various smaller units and built around an infantry battalion. Composed of, among other things, an infantry battalion, a unit of amphibious tractors, a small unit of tanks, combat engineers, etc.
Also used by Marines to designate the building in Beirut where the BLT Headquarters unit and personnel worked and were housed.
BEE-HIVE: Slang for a 40mm antipersonnel fragmentation round fired from an M203 grenade launcher.
BEIRUT INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (BIA): The large airport located in the southern portion of the city of Beirut. The USMC took up defensive positions here and enabled the airport to resume operations during the USMC deployments.
BEKKA VALLEY: A fertile valley east of Beirut and separated from it by a mountain range. During the period of the USMC deployments in Lebanon it served as a staging area for various militias, as well as being in the operational area of the Israeli Defense Force and Syrian Army.
BELLEAU WOOD: World War I battle where the Marines of the 5th and 6th Marine Regiments distinguished themselves and earned the nickname “Devil-dogs” from their German foes.
BOOT: Term used to describe Marines new to the Fleet Marine Force.
CAMP GEIGER: USMC base co-located with Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. During the period of the Lebanon deployments it was the home base for the 8th Marine Regiment.
CAMP LEJEUNE: USMC base located in Jacksonville, North Carolina. The 2nd Marine Division is based here. Elements of the 8th Marine and 6th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, served in Lebanon during the 1982-1984 deployments.
CAX: Combined Arms Exercise. A military exercise that integrates various units such as infantry, air, armor, and artillery units.
CHRISTIAN PHALANGISTS: One of the numerous factions of Lebanon. Composed of Christians as opposed to Muslims, the Phalange was relatively well armed and at times allied with the Israelis.
CLAYMORE: An antipersonnel mine that can be remotely fired on command or fired by means of a trip wire.
CO: Commanding Officer. Also referred to as the “Old Man.”
COMM: Short for radio communications.
CP: Command Post.
DAMOUR: Site of a massacre of Lebanese civilians prior to the USMC deployments of 1982-1984.
DOC: Slang for hospital corpsmen who accompany USMC infantry units.
EAS: End of Active Service, the discharge date for Marine enlisted personnel.
EIGHTH MARINE REGIMENT: One of the infantry regiments that composes the 2nd Marine Division. The 2nd Marine Division is also composed of the 2nd, 4th, and 6th infantry regiments, as well as the 10th Marine regiment (artillery).
FERRET: A lightly armed, highly mobile armored vehicle used by the British units in Beirut.
FRAG: Fragmentation Grenade. Using a grenade to kill an individual is known as “fragging.”
FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION: French military unit that served as part of the multinational force with the USMC in Beirut. On 23 October 1983 French paratrooper units serving in Beirut suffered a similar bombing at one of their positions, losing fifty-eight men.
FROG: Designation for the Soviet made Free Rocket Over Ground. A portable, crew-served weapon capable of carrying a variety of warheads. At the time of the Lebanon deployments this weapon system was in the inventory of the Syrian Army.
GOLAN: The Golan Heights are a mountainous area captured by the Israelis from the Syrians during the 1973 Yom Kippur War.
GRUNT: Slang term for infantry Marines. Used with a degree of pride by most Marine infantrymen.
H&I FIRE: Harassment and Interdiction Fire. Intermittent fire, usually from small artillery units used to harass the enemy but not expected or designed to cause great damage or casualties.
H&S COMPANY: Headquarters and Service Company. One of the companies composing any Marine Battalion. This unit contains headquarters personnel and other specialized units of a Marine Battalion.
HAMRA: An area of Beirut noted for its shops and affluence.
HAY-EL-SALAAM: One of the southern suburbs of Beirut in close proximity to the Beirut International Airport. Its residents are primarily Shiite Muslim.
HE: High Explosive.
HOOTERVILLE: Slang term used by Marines in Beirut to mean the villages in immediate proximity to the USMC positions east of BIA.
INDIAN COUNTRY: Slang for territory controlled by enemy forces.
INFANTRY TRAINING REGIMENT: Refers to the “school” at either Camp Geiger, North Carolina, or Camp Pendleton, California, that all Marines attend after Boot Camp to learn basic infantry skills.
INSHALLAH: Arabic for “If God wills it.”
INTERNAL SECURITY FORCES: A paramilitary unit of the Lebanese police force. Easily recognizable by their khaki uniforms and red headgear. Among the first units of the Lebanese government to resume operations after the entry of the Multi-National Force.
IDF: Israeli Defense Force. The army of Israel that operated in Lebanon during the period of
the USMC deployments.
IWO JIMA, battle of: One of the Volcano Islands in the northern Pacific. Iwo Jima was the scene of a bloody battle between the U.S. Marines and Japanese forces during February and March of 1945. The battle is now synonymous with valor and courage among Marines.
IWO JIMA, USS: Designated by the USN as a Landing Platform Helicopter (LPH) and capable of carrying various helicopter and Vertical and Short Takeoff and Landing aircraft (VSTOL) such as AV-8B Harriers. One of the amphibious support ships that made up the squadron of amphibious ships transporting Marine Units to the Mediterranean. The Iwo Jima and her sister ships supported operations ashore.
KAFFIYEH: Traditional Arab headdress. Worn by Arab men as a symbol of pride and culture, or to designate an affiliation with a particular group. Varying patterns on different kaffiyehs may represent various organizations, military units, or peoples.
KHALDEH: A village south of Beirut and within sight of the USMC positions at the BIA. It was also a military post for the LAF.
KIA: Killed In Action.
LAAW: Light Anti-Armor Weapon, a small shoulder-fired weapon carried by individual Marines and designed for use against tanks and light armor vehicles.
LAF: Lebanese Armed Forces, the army of Lebanon. After the civil war in Lebanon it was largely ineffective. During the period of 1982-1984 attempts were made by the U.S. government to rebuild it with assistance from Marine and U.S. Army units and advisors.
LCU: Landing Craft, Utility. USN designation for the small, flat-bottomed craft that ferry men and equipment from larger ships to shore and vice versa.
LEBANESE AVIATION SAFETY BUREAU: An organization of the Lebanese national government whose office building was shelled and otherwise damaged during the civil war and subsequent Israeli invasion. It was this building that became the headquarters for USMC Battalion Landing Teams deploying to Lebanon and was later largely destroyed by a truck bomb on 23 October 1983 killing 241 USMC, USN, and USA personnel, and wounding 70. Various units were barracked in and around this building at the time of the bombing.