by Leigh, Anne
So that my heart rate would remain steady, beating a regular rhythm.
I got it – I truly did.
The reasons why Mom and Dad didn’t want me to run faster, or ride roller coasters, or not get kicked or punched as often as I did whenever I stepped on the mat.
Because my heart didn’t slow down as fast as it should.
Because my body didn’t react as well as it should.
Because my bruises didn’t heal as fast as they should.
Because without the pills I took every day, each breath would be harder to achieve, and the life that everyone thought that I was meant to have might not become a reality.
Matteo
It was only seven in the evening, but it felt like eleven at night.
I’d been in meetings since eight thirty this morning and normally I’d be fine, running on caffeine, and listening as the local developers in Glasgow presented their ideas on how the new hotels would look.
Scotland was a marvel to be in – the preservation of Victorian art in their architecture and the richness of their culture was evident everywhere. Alistair Macdonald, a man I’d known since Mom turned over the reins to me for the European arm of T & T Inc., gave me an open invitation to watch the Scottish Ballet perform. I would, but my schedule was so closed off that I didn’t even have room to sleep.
I was supposed to be catching up sleep, more of a power nap really, before heading out to dinner with the Duncan’s.
Carmine and Leah Duncan were my mother’s friends, and Mom had requested that I dine with them before heading out to Germany in the morning.
I’d chatted with Mom briefly this afternoon before she had to take a conference call. She’d heard that I’d been doing a great job with the negotiations and I just had to take it all in stride. It’s only been two years since I officially became a part of the company. I knew that there were several individuals who were skeptic about the way I came on board. That I was given the position because I was my parents’ son.
They were right.
I probably wouldn’t be in this position if Tanner wasn’t my last name and I didn’t have an ounce of Troudeau in me.
But I shrugged those naysayers off.
I was born into this life. I sat in board meetings since I was seven. I’d been in all-nighters with Mom and Dad trying to figure out the best thing to do in a situation. My parents didn’t shield me from the dark side of getting what you want so that the greater good could benefit from it. I’d never been one to just sit down and accept things as they were. I looked at the bigger picture and imagined all the possibilities.
An old, empty parking structure could be transformed into the biggest commercial space.
That’s what I proposed in Ireland.
The streets could be worked on so that the local residents would have more room to bike and use the trains.
That’s what I suggested in Oslo.
What others saw as limits, I embraced as probabilities.
The majority of my life had been governed by the same principle – see what could be instead of the end.
I said majority because there were a few aspects in my life where I could do more, so much more, but there forces outside of my control that made things somewhat difficult.
Ali…Alissa.
She’s always been special to me.
She wasn’t just Nic’s younger sister.
She wasn’t just my friend. Old friend for technicality’s sake.
She was the girl who didn’t back down from me even if I’d erected walls sturdier than concrete.
She was the girl who didn’t turn her eyes away from me even when I held the most property in Monopoly and I was going to be the reason she went bankrupt.
Now she was a woman who I could no longer ignore.
I’d stayed away from her…and I saw the hurt in her beautiful eyes when I did.
Over time, the hurt started becoming less and less until one day, I saw her at her mom’s summer party. I could tell she wasn’t expecting me to be there.
She’d just arrived from school, she had on a white blouse and a checkered grey skirt lined with red. It was her last year in high school and her hair was darker, longer than I’d ever seen.
Ali had the color of hair that wasn’t easy to forget. When we were kids, I used to watch her long after she’d fallen asleep.
Her honey blonde strands carried at least ten different shades. They ranged from champagne to almost chestnut. All natural.
Sometimes she snored and I held a quiet laugh when she did and it would almost always wake her up, and when she woke, I liked to see her light violet eyes look up at me before she asked, “Did I snore again?”
I didn’t know how to describe how I felt about her, we were just kids back then.
But when she’d merely said, “Oh hello” at her mom’s party and refused to say anything else to me, I knew there that a large chunk of my heart had started to crack. She didn’t even smile at me and acted as if I was lesser than the ant on the ground.
It was hard to endure it, but I’d done it to myself. To her.
Nic was there and he didn’t say anything about how Ali had reacted to my presence. My best friend wasn’t stupid. He knew that his sister was one of my friends until the day I had cut her out of my life. He’d stayed silent as Ali greeted her mom with a Happy Birthday, sat through dinner with us and then excused herself after dessert.
Ali had said that she had some school stuff to do with her friends.
It was the last time I was in her presence until my Mom’s recent birthday.
I’d always viewed Ali as special.
But now, being with her after years of not even breathing the same air as her, I found her to be essential.
I couldn’t ignore her anymore and I didn’t want to.
I wasn’t immune to the looks that she got from my employees, from my colleagues, from every healthy male around her.
Neither was Deckard Hopkins.
I didn’t know what pre-empted me to cage her in and not allow her to go on a date with Deckard.
I wasn’t lord over her.
She was free to choose whomever she wanted to date.
But that didn’t mean it settled well with me.
I paced my office after I’d found out she’d left with an Uber so she could go on a date with him.
I never paced.
But there I was, still thinking about how bad of an impression I’d made on her after I vehemently said no to her.
Nic would have my balls if he knew what I’d said to his sister.
She wasn’t mine to command. To exert power over.
From a young age, I’d let her rule over me.
When circumstances changed and I couldn’t handle the grief that took over me, I chose to push her away.
I put so much distance between us that there were times when I could see the look in her eyes that she thought I was a stranger.
I forgot what it was like to have her in my life and now that she was back, I didn’t know if I could do it again.
She could go on however many dates with Deckard.
She could do everything that she wanted.
I wasn’t going to stand in her way.
But I was also going to push my way back into her life.
Whether or not she wanted me, that wasn’t my problem.
That would be hers.
The Cosmic on Regent Street was a fine dining establishment.
The ornately carved ceilings and modern art hung was enough for me to give them two Michelin stars.
I felt relaxed and the vintage Scottish wine made my shoulders less tense.
Ever since I left the U.S., I’d been carrying this odd weight of missing something inside my chest.
Without even thinking about it, I knew I was missing Ali.
The past few weeks, we’d established a routine where I picked her up in the morning and she followed me wherever I went. She could’ve asked her grandpa’s employees to sho
w her how business theories worked in real life, but for some reason, she’d come to me.
She’d sit in the back during my business calls and she was constantly writing notes on her thick pad of paper. She could have used a tablet for her notes, but Ali was old-fashioned that way. I was pretty sure that doodles weren’t easy to draw on tablets, so that could be one of the main reasons why she stuck to pen and paper.
“We hope that the new legislation will save lives and lower alcohol binge-drinking,” Carmine Duncan, his head now full of white instead of salt-and-pepper hair since the last time I saw him, said.
“How so?” I queried. I’d been so busy with putting out fires that I hadn’t really had much time to read about the new Scottish laws. T & T had lawyers that sorted through the legal matters, but I liked to be aware of events and changes that affected the country’s pulse.
Germany was easy to deal with. There were no business laws that restricted day-to-day operations unless the business was related to information technology or any transaction that affected public order such as energy and health.
In Japan, tighter regulations were imposed to broadcasting and the Bank of Japan has to be given prior notification for at least six months for certain sectors. We had to wait six months before T & T Inc.’s investment in the local crops was approved. The Kyoto Grand Hotel was three miles away from an organic farming community and the Eastern Archipelago Hotel was ten miles from the producer of spinach, mushrooms, and local fruits. It was an eventuality that had to happen. Mom’s friend, Gabe Koboyashi, a former game designer, helped us navigate the National Diet (Kokkai) to get everything approved.
It was imperative for any good business practice to observe the country’s laws, but what T & T Inc. did exemplary was that Mom and Dad had engrained it in the company’s mission and by-laws to always go above and beyond the minimum.
To give respect beyond measure.
“I love my country. I love booze,” Carmine laughed and his wife, Lea, raised her brows to agree. “But the drinking, including underage drinking, has come to crisis levels. Alcohol-related injuries and deaths are at all-time high so we had to find a way to change our country’s future. By imposing minimum prices, we’re saying that we want to handle this.”
“Won’t people just buy liquor anyways?” I majored in Business with a minor in Economics. Business law was one of my favorite classes. I saw the need for imposing prices, but economics also showed that the higher the price, the demand could go higher as well.
Carmine looked thoughtful before saying, “We don’t know what’s going to happen. The hope is that the new law will discourage buying cheap and multipack drinks, especially with minors.”
The server came by and dropped off our orders. Mine was a steak done rare, Carmine’s was a dish with beef and potatoes, Lea was having seared fish.
We talked about everything under the sun. Lea asked about my mom and I showed her pictures of Mom and Dad on my phone. I didn’t have many, but I had a few from Mom’s birthday party.
Talking to them was a treat to the mind.
Carmine was a wealth of information. He was a doctor who became involved with politics. He’d resigned two years ago because of health problems. Lea was a college professor who reminded me of Aunt Nalee, she had such a sweet demeanor about her.
“Enough of this business talk,” Lea said after sipping on her wine. I have to say, Scottish wine was exceptional. “How are you doing, Matteo? Any special woman we need to know about?”
She was sweet, but she was also direct.
Normally, I wouldn’t answer questions about my private life on business meetings like these.
But the Duncans’ weren’t regular acquaintances.
They had opened their home to my family throughout the years. They’d been friends with my parents for so long that I’d forgotten the first time I’d actually gotten to know them.
“There’s someone…” I said, thinking about the woman who was thousands of miles away from me yet she was the highlight of my thoughts these days. “She means a lot to me.”
Carmine stated, “I remember meeting Lea for the first time.”
His wife afforded him a fond look.
“She was sitting with this kid, he was no more than seven years old, and she was telling him about how Spiderman was scared of climbing buildings, but he overcame it by practicing his powers. The kid was scared of being checked by me, and she was trying her best to calm him down.” I’d never heard their story. They didn’t have children, but they were always involved in children’s causes.
“Lea was busy talking to him, and she didn’t even notice that I was already in the room. When she finally looked up, she smiled at me, and I remembered telling myself to be cool, to remember that I actually knew what I was doing…I was an intern around that time.” He paused and even though I couldn’t see it, I had a feeling he was holding her hand under the table. “I asked her for her number after the boy’s parents arrived, and we had some time to talk. She was hesitant to give it at first, but thank goodness, she relented.”
Lea laughed, “I felt bad for you. You looked so tired and your clothes looked like they hadn’t been washed for days.”
“I was a poor medical student,” Carmine replied. “I was dealing with my mother’s death from Parkinson’s.” A fact that I didn’t know.
“A relationship was the last thing on my mind. But even from way back then, I knew she was special,” Carmine said as Lea’s hand went to his left cheek. An intimate gesture between two of Scotland’s most prominent political figures.
“There’s a certain kind of woman who can put up with men like me, like us.” Carmine’s eyes were on his wife’s face. “They’re special. You’re young, Matteo. I can see you’re busy and you have so many things going on with you. But at the end of the day, ask yourself, is it worth it? Is everything you’re working for worth all your attention? What’s your higher purpose?”
I’d found myself asking the same question over the last year.
I loved being involved in the family business. It was what I was born to do.
But was it what I wanted to live for?
“And when you find the answer to those questions, ask again, ‘Is there someone I can share all of this with?’” Carmine’s questions were philosophical, but they were directly hitting the emptiness I’d been feeling lately. “It’s a lie – what people say – that money and power will make you fulfilled.”
He continued, while slicing his steak and taking a big bite out of it, “Fulfillment is when you get to share everything you’ve worked for with people, with a woman you love…with someone special. That’s fulfillment.”
I nodded my head, “Yeah.”
I saw fulfillment in his eyes.
It was the same one I saw in my father’s eyes, every time he looked at Mom.
It was the same look I saw in Uncle Zander, Uncle Kieran, and Uncle Xavier when they looked at their wives.
My portfolio was loaded with so many zeroes that I knew I wouldn’t be able to spend in my lifetime.
My resume had been stellar from the time I took an internship after I graduated from college.
I’d achieved the goals I’d set to achieve.
Yet I didn’t feel fulfilled.
“Your mom and dad, they raised a good man,” Carmine said as I gave him a “Thank you.”
Lea added, “Any woman would be lucky to have you.”
I wiped my mouth on a napkin and smiled at her, “I could only be so lucky to have her.”
It was true.
I would be a lucky bastard to have Alissa.
But the question was, would she have me?
Alissa
It was the first day since Matteo had come back from his trip abroad.
I’d just woken up, taken a quick shower, and was on my way to grab a piece of fruit from the kitchen when I received his text, Be there in 10.
I didn’t respond.
But I also didn’t grab the c
ar keys situated by the key holders.
Years ago, I would have admitted it out loud that I missed him.
Now you could put me in a torture chamber and I wouldn’t dare say a word about how much I wished for him to cross over the bridge he’d built between us.
I walked towards the door and waited for him outside.
Matteo liked to open car doors for me, but we didn’t have time to waste today.
I’d glimpsed at his calendar yesterday and knew that there was a meeting at 9:30 with big-time investors. Ten airline companies were vying for an extended partnership with T & T. Matteo was in for another long day today; I wondered if he’d even gotten any sleep from his trip. His calendar indicated that he’d arrived at eleven last night. How he had a life outside of T & T boggled my mind. I knew that he was busy, but I didn’t get just how much until I shadowed him these last few weeks.
The sound of a car engine approaching put a brake to my thoughts.
Matteo was out of his black Bugatti Chiron before I could even take another step.
“Hey.” Casual words from a man who was anything but ordinary.
He was dressed in a solid navy suit with a two-button jacket that had flap pockets. The diamond pattern of his red tie matched the dark grey of his eyes. Growing up, I’d seen him in t-shirts and board shorts all the time. He didn’t like to wear ties. He said they choked him. Some things did change, I guess.
I gave him an impassive face, “Hi.”
“Did you eat breakfast yet?”
He sounded different...lighter…weird.
I raised my right hand that held the apple. “Breakfast of champs.”
“That won’t do.” His dark head shook as his eyes bore into me, the look he gave me was teasing, almost playful.
Where did this Matteo come from?
I was getting used to him being demanding and serious all the time. Now – this?
He helped me get inside the sports car. I liked cars, but I didn’t drool over them. But anyone who semi-liked cars could appreciate the design and dramatic lines that Bugatti’s creative team put into it.
My brother had a Veyron and it was his baby.