by M. S. Parker
Not this time. It was strange how easily Jasper and I slipped into living together. I’d fully expected things to be awkward, at least for the first month or so, but once we’d finished unpacking on Saturday, it had felt natural to follow a normal routine. Dinner, shower, bed. Waking up next to him on Sunday hadn’t been weird at all. And then last night, instead of worrying about how late he was going to stay since we had to work the next day, we just did the same thing we’d done the night before.
I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d stayed here a couple of times or that we were just already so familiar with each other that we didn’t have to learn each other’s moods, but it was nice not to have to worry about any of that. This was different than meeting some random person and asking them to move in after only a few dates. I’d known Jasper as long as I’d known Allen, and the three of us had always been together that first year. It hadn’t been until after they’d graduated that we’d had less time together as a trio.
I hadn’t told anyone but Mitchell about Jasper moving in, but when Gina Edgars came by to pick me up so the two of us could carpool to work, I didn’t try to hide kissing Jasper goodbye at the door. I knew Gina wouldn’t judge. Of all the other teachers at the school where we worked, she was the only one I considered a true friend. She and her long-time girlfriend, Junie, lived across the road and the two of us often rode together to work.
“So,” she said as she pulled out onto the road. “Jasper Whitehall.”
I couldn’t hear any disapproval, but I still didn’t look at her when I answered, “We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks and he moved in this weekend.” I tensed, waiting for her to tell me that I’d moved way too fast, that it was inappropriate. She might not judge me, but she also wouldn’t hold back her opinion of my behavior either.
“Good for you.”
I turned towards her, startled at just how supportive she was.
Her light blue eyes sparkled as she smiled at me. “I saw the way he was with you after Allen died and at the funeral. It was obvious he cared about you and I’d been hoping you’d see it too. Then I heard that the two of you had been seen out together in town.”
I flushed.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, Shae.” She reached out a hand and gave my arm a comforting squeeze. “It’s natural for you to want to be with someone again.”
I looked down at my hands. “I know everyone’s going to think it’s too soon.”
“Fuck what everyone else thinks.”
I laughed, relief flooding through me. She was right. Jasper and I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t like we’d fallen for each other while Allen had been alive and had just been waiting for our opportunity. It had just happened.
“Can I be nosy about something?”
I glanced over at her to see a mischievous smile curving her mouth. I was immediately wary, knowing that when she got that look, anything could come out of her mouth. “Okay.”
“How is he in bed?”
“Gina!” I stared at her, heat rushing to my face. When she burst out laughing, I smacked her arm. “Are you kidding me?!”
“Sorry, sweetie, I couldn’t resist. That kiss goodbye? Damn. You could’ve started a fire with that kind of heat.”
I was fairly sure my face must’ve been glowing by now.
“Seriously, though.” Her voice sobered. “I’ve always thought Jasper’s had to put up with too much shit around here. He’d been a wild kid, sure, but he’s a good man.” She reached over and took my hand. “You two deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. After Mitchell’s negative reaction, I’d been bracing myself for similar responses. Having Gina’s support meant a lot to me.
It took me a few minutes to regain my composure, but when I did, I couldn’t resist trying to lighten the mood before we got to the school.
“By the way, the answer to your question is: amazing.”
Gina gave me a puzzled look.
“How Jasper is in bed.” I grinned. “I could barely walk last Monday.”
Gina laughed and shook her head. “I’ll make sure I tell Junie that we don’t have to worry about you sitting all alone in that big house with nothing to do.”
I laughed with her. “No, I’m quite sure he’ll keep me busy.”
As we continued to joke and tease, I let myself relax and enjoy the moment. While I was determined to move forward, I knew that there were still plenty of things that could make my life difficult in the days and weeks to come. When times like this came along, I was going to do my best to savor them.
The day went well, with all of my students behaving surprisingly well. It was still nice enough to go outside for recess and at the end of the day, since we had a little extra time, I took them out again. The smell of autumn was in the air and the sun was just warm enough. It was an absolutely beautiful day, the kind that made everything else seem brighter just because of it.
And still, I felt restless, eager to get home even though I knew Jasper was at work. I wanted to be there, with him. I loved my job and my students, but if I’d had a choice, I would’ve been curled up on the couch with Jasper, talking about the mundane things we’d done or had to do. I missed him the way I’d missed Allen when we’d been apart the years I’d been in college and he’d been up here.
The realization frightened me, but I didn’t want it to be any other way. I wanted to want to be with him. I didn’t want to be one of those people who dreaded going home, who would rather work late hours than spend time with their significant other.
By the time the end of the school day arrived, I was antsy, almost wishing I would’ve driven so I could leave as soon as the kids did. I knew it was a good thing, though, that I’d come with Gina and had to wait until she’d finished putting away all of her art supplies and cleaned up the bits of mess the students had missed. Jasper would be at work for another hour and a half so all I’d be doing is trading pacing here to pacing at home. At least here, my pacing also including straightening random things until my entire classroom looked as neat as it had the very first day of school.
On the drive home, Gina kept the conversation going with questions about what had been happening for the past two weeks since we’d barely seen each other. Some of her questions were about Jasper and me, but others prompted me to tell her about the mysterious letters and phone calls, as well as Aime and Jenny. Gina wholeheartedly agreed with Jasper that Allen would’ve told me about a daughter if he’d known and she was even skeptical that Jenny was even his. I agreed, but I couldn’t get rid of the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that Aime wasn’t going to just go away.
When I got home, I changed out of my work clothes and into a comfortable pair of jeans and a worn flannel shirt. The best thing about my relationship with Jasper having developed the way it did was that I never really had to worry about him seeing me dressed down. He’d already seen me sick, sun-burned, grieving, and dressed in everything from my wedding dress to pajamas. I could wear what I wanted and know that he’d most likely seen me in it before.
I finished grading papers in less than an hour and then headed into the kitchen to start something for dinner. I’d gone out last week to pick up a few things that I knew Jasper liked and I was thinking about making lamp chops when someone knocked on the door. I quickly wiped off my hands and headed out, wondering if it was Mitchell coming back to apologize.
It wasn’t. Instead, it was a middle-aged, weaselly-looking man with a sparse mustache and even sparser hair.
“Shae Lockwood?”
I nodded, keeping my foot braced on the back of the door in case I had to slam it shut. He didn’t look dangerous, but if he’d been the guy who’d started the fire and he was here to do more damage, he wasn’t going to get inside without a fight.
He held out two envelopes. When I took them, he gave me a slight nod. “You’ve been served.”
My jaw dropped as I wa
tched him leave without any additional explanation. Served? As in legal papers?
My first thought was the Lockwoods, but when I tore open the more official-looking envelope, I saw that wasn’t the case.
Aime Vargas was suing me in place of Allen for back child support and a portion of his estate.
I went back into the house and sat down on the couch. This couldn’t be happening. I held up the other envelope. It didn’t have anything written on it at all. I didn’t want to open it, but I knew I had to know what was inside.
It wasn’t another legal notice. It was a letter. From Aime.
Shae, I know you and Jasper killed Allen so you could get his money and be together. You’ve deprived my daughter of her father and you owe me for that. You owe me for the years that you had with Allen that should have been mine. You’re not going to fight this lawsuit. In fact, you’re going to sign a statement saying that Allen is Jenny’s father and you’re going to give her half of everything Allen left you. You’re also going to sign a statement saying that you feel so bad for taking Allen away from Jenny that you’re going to pay a thousand dollars a month in child support until Jenny turns twenty-one. If you don’t do what I say, I’m going to follow through with my lawsuit and take everything. Then I’m going to call the police and tell them that Allen told me before he died that he suspected you and Jasper were having an affair. And that he was so worried the two of you might do something to him that he asked me to come forward if he died suddenly. I expect to hear from you before the court date.
I read the letter twice, trying to figure out if she honestly thought Jasper and I had done something to Allen or if she was just using that as an excuse to blackmail me. I knew Allen hadn’t talked to her. The police had gone over his calls and texts to see if there had been any suspicious activity in the months before he’d died. I was pretty sure the detectives running the case would’ve only been too happy to tell me that my husband had been communicating with his ex-girlfriend. Even though that part was a lie, it didn’t mean she didn’t think I’d done something.
I didn’t care about the money. If Jenny was Allen’s daughter, I had no problem putting money in a trust for her – one that her mother wouldn’t be able to get her hands on. But I still didn’t believe that Jenny was Allen’s. Not really. Part of me thought it was true just because of the timing, but my gut said that there was something I was missing.
I looked at the notice again and then at the letter, pushing aside the emotions involved so that I could only see the facts.
A few minutes later, it hit me.
A paternity test. Aime didn’t want to actually go through with the court case because she knew any half-decent lawyer would be demanding a paternity test first thing. She’d written the letter to try to get me to give her the money and acknowledge paternity outside of the court without any medical proof that Jenny was Allen’s child.
I needed to call my attorney. Savill Henley had helped me through all of the legal stuff that had come up with Allen’s estate. He hadn’t mentioned anything about Allen putting aside money for a daughter and he’d know the best way to handle the situation. The first thing he’d do, I knew, would be to get a judge to order a paternity test.
I needed Allen’s DNA.
Chapter 12
I’d thrown away too much. Allen’s hairbrush, toothbrush, razor...I’d gotten rid of all of his clothes – not that I thought they’d be able to get much off of those. I couldn’t find a single thing that would have enough DNA to test against Jenny’s.
But that wasn’t the reason I was sitting on the floor in the guest room directly across from my bedroom, crying. Again. No, that had come about because I came in here, hoping that I’d missed something when I’d cleaned things out last week, and I’d indeed found something I’d missed.
Color swatches.
It was stupid, but as soon as I’d seen them, I’d started bawling like a baby.
A baby.
This had been the guest room that Allen and I had always intended to convert into a nursery. Being the planner that he was, Allen had picked up paint swatches nearly a year ago and we’d spent more than one night in this room, sitting on the floor and holding up different colors, trying to decide which one we liked the most. We’d argued over whether or not we’d want to know the baby’s sex, if we planned on painting a neutral color to keep the room as a nursery for other kids and have the older ones move out to another room. We’d talked in hypotheticals, of course, because we’d decided that we wanted to make sure we were financially and emotionally ready to have kids, but there had been no doubt in either of our minds that this would be our nursery.
I’d already cried over the children I’d never have with Allen, but when I was here, looking for some way to prove that he didn’t already have a child, it hit me harder than it had before. Even if Jenny was Allen’s, he’d never know. He’d never get the chance to be the wonderful father I knew he could’ve been. And, no matter how I felt about Aime, I also cried for Jenny. If Allen was her father, she’d never have the chance to know him, to know what a wonderful man he’d been. There would be no father-daughter dances for them. No opportunity for him to intimidate her first boyfriend or take prom pictures. No half-brothers or sisters for her to know. He’d never walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
He and I would never paint this room and fill it with all of the things that first-time parents thought they needed. We’d never argue about who was being too strict or too lenient. No family vacations. High school graduations. College. No watching our children fall in love. Get married. No excitement over grandchildren.
That stupid, cruel disease had taken all of that away from all of us and I felt every lost moment over again, as sharp and fresh as I’d felt it the day I realized I wasn’t pregnant.
I was crying hard enough that I didn’t hear Jasper come in downstairs or even if he called my name. All I knew was that one minute, I was alone and the next, his arms were around me and I was burying my face against his chest as I struggled to breath. I hated that I was still crying months later, but I wasn’t some fictional woman who could just get over things during a commercial break.
That didn’t make me feel any better about sobbing on Jasper’s shirt.
He made soothing noises and stroked my back, never once asking what was wrong. He pressed his lips to my head, murmuring words of comfort as he rocked me back and forth. We sat for what could’ve been hours or minutes, me curled on his lap, him holding me until the tears finally subsided.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said.
“For what?” Jasper pushed my hair back from my face as I looked up at him.
“For crying like this.”
“It’s okay,” he said.
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not. You moved in and I want to be with you, but I came in here and started crying about Allen and kids and...”
“Hey.” He stopped my words with a gentle kiss. “It’s okay. Sometimes things catch me off-guard too. I’ll see or do something and think about how I wish I could tell Allen.” His smile was sad. “I sometimes think about how much I’d love to tell him about how amazing you are and all of the things we do together. About how excited I am to be living with you.”
“I don’t regret asking you to move in,” I said, needing him to know that wasn’t the problem. “Or us being together, but I can’t help feeling guilty. There was so much Allen and I had planned to do together. I sometimes feel like I should spend the rest of my life mourning every step we didn’t get to take together.”
Jasper kissed my forehead and his arms tightened around me. “You and I both know that Allen wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want you to be happy. To keep living. To do things.” He cupped the side of my face, his thumb running along my bottom lip. “He’d want you to fall in love again. To have a family.”
My stomach tightened.
“I love you, Shae.”
My head snapped up to look at him.
&nbs
p; “You don’t have to say it back. It’s okay.” His eyes were clear, open. “I just need you to know that I love you and, one day, I want us to look at the future together, to see the family we can have.” He traced his fingers along my cheekbone and down my jaw. “I’m not saying this because I expect anything from you. I’m okay with being in the here and now with you. Just know that, when you’re ready, there is a future for you that isn’t dark and bleak. A future with me.”
I swallowed hard. I wished I could say it back to him. Tell him that I loved him. But I couldn’t. Not yet. I cared about him as more than a friend, but I couldn’t say the word. I could, however, show him how much he meant to me.
I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Fierce, hot and wet, I put everything I was feeling into the way my lips moved with his, how my tongue explored his mouth, how my teeth scraped and nipped his lips. Everything I couldn’t say, I poured into my body.
I felt his surprise for a moment and then he was kissing me back, his hand sliding up my side to cup my breast through my shirt. I arched my back, needing him to touch me more. His hand tightened as he flipped us over, his body pressing mine to the floor. My legs wrapped around his waist and I ground against him.
“Shit,” Jasper growled. His eyes were squeezed shut and I could feel the tension radiating off of him.
I started to chuckle, but the sound was lost in a gasp as Jasper pulled open my shirt, sending buttons flying everywhere. I barely had time to care about the shirt because his mouth was on me, sucking and licking and biting every inch of my skin until I was writhing beneath him.