“What do you mean, what about the children?” Minotaurus said, glaring fiercely.
“Well, Theseus said—”
“That man is a gifted but insane liar,” Minotaurus stated. “If it weren’t for my position, I would have sued him for libel. Children! Do I look like some kind of pervert? I think we can safely forget any question of children. Now shall we get down to you and your work?”
Joenes nodded, and Minotaurus gave him a quick briefing on the political situation he was likely to find in Russia. He showed Joenes a secret map which gave the approximate positions and strengths of communist and western forces all over the earth. Joenes was stunned by the hugeness of the enemy forces, painted blood red and stretching across many countries. The western forces, painted sky blue, seemed entirely inadequate.”
“It isn’t as hopeless as it looks,” Minotaurus said. “For one thing, that map is only guesswork. For another, we do possess an enormous stockpile of warheads, and a missile system to carry them. We’ve come a long way with our missiles. The real proof came last year during the Combat Team Easy Field exercises. At that time, a single Gnome missile with an improved warhead was able to blow up Io, one of the moons of Jupiter where we had simulated a Russian base.”
“That certainly sounds as though we have strength,” Joenes said.
“Oh yes But the Russians and Chinese also have improved missiles, which succeeded four years ago in blowing up the planet Neptune. In effect, that means a missile stalemate. There may be some disaffection between the Russians and the Chinese because of the Yingdraw incident; but we can’t count on that.”
“What can we count on?” Joenes asked.
“Nobody knows,” Minotaurus said. “That’s why we’re sending you to find out. Information is our problem, Joenes. What is the enemy actually up to? What in hell is going on over there? Do you understand the task, Jones?”
“I think I do,” Jones said. “You are to serve no group or faction; and above all, you are not to make the sort of report you think we would like to hear. You are neither to minimize nor to maximize the things you see, but to state them as simply and as objectively as possible.”
“I will do my best,” Joenes said. “I don’t suppose I can ask for more,” Minotaurus said grudgingly.
Then Minotaurus gave Joenes the money and papers he would need for his trip. And instead of sending him back into the corridors to find his way to the entrance, Minotaurus opened a window and pressed a button.”
“This is the way I always do it,” Minotaurus said, helping Joenes into the seat beside the pilot. “Can’t be bothered with all those damned corridors. Good luck, Joenes, and remember what I’ve said.”
Joenes said that he would, and felt deeply touched by the faith that Minotaurus had in him. The helicopter moved away toward the Washington Airport, where a special auto-piloted jet was waiting. But as the helicopter rose, Joenes thought he heard children’s laughter from a room adjoining Minotaurus’s office.
12. THE STORY OF RUSSIA
(As told by Pelui of Easter Island.)
Joenes boarded his special jet, and soon he was high in the air racing northward toward the pole. A meal was served to him automatically, and later a movie was shown for his solitary pleasure. The sun hung low on the horizon, and at last the jet’s automatic pilot asked Joenes to fasten his seat belt for the landing at Moscow Airport.
Joenes was met by three officials of the Soviet government. They were clad in fur hats and coats, and fur-lined boots, which were necessary protection against the freezing wind that howled across the flat fields. They introduced themselves and took Joenes to a waiting command car for the drive into Moscow. During this ride, Joenes had a chance to look more closely at the men he was to deal with.
Comrade Slavski was bearded to his eyes, which had a dreamy, faraway look in their hazel depths.
Comrade Oruthi was small and clean-shaven, and he walked with a limp.
Marshall Trigask was round and cheerful, and seemed a man to be reckoned with.
At Red Square they parked in front of the Peace Hall. Within, a cheerful fire was blazing. The Russians gestured Joenes to a comfortable chair, and took seats beside him.
“We shall waste no words,” Marshall Trigask said. “I shall merely preface this discussion by welcoming you to our beloved Moscow. We are always pleased when accredited Western diplomats such as yourself come to visit us. We are plain speakers, and we expect plain speaking in return. That is how to get things done. You may have noticed on your drive into Moscow—”
“Yes,” broke in Slavski, “you must excuse me, I beg your pardon, but did you notice the little white snow crystals falling? And the white winter sky? I’m really very sorry, I shouldn’t speak, but even a man such as myself has feelings and sometimes feels impelled to express them. Nature, gentlemen! Excuse me, but nature, yes, there is something about it . . .”
Marshall Trigask broke in, saying, “That is enough, Slavski. The most excellent Presidential Envoy Joenes has, I am sure, noticed nature at some time or another. I think we can dispense with such niceties. I am a plain man and I want to speak plainly. Perhaps I seem crude to you, but there it is. I am a soldier, and I cannot be bothered with diplomat’s manners. Have I made myself clear?”
“Yes, quite clear,” Joenes said.
“Excellent,” Marshall Trigask said. “In that case, what is your answer?”
“My answer to what?” Joenes asked.
“To our latest proposals,” Trigask said. “Surely you haven’t come all this long way simply for a vacation?”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to tell me about your proposals,” Joenes said.
“They’re really very simple,” Comrade Oruthi said. “We merely ask that your government dismantle its arms, give up its colony of Hawaii, allow us to take possession of Alaska (which was originally ours), and also give us the northern half of California as a sign of good faith. Upon those terms, we will undertake to do various things which I have forgotten at the moment. What do you say?”
Joenes tried to explain that he had no authority to say anything, but the Russians were unwilling to accept that. Therefore, knowing that such terms would never be accepted in Washington, he said no.
“You see?” Oruthi said. “I told you they’d say no.”
“It was worth a try, wasn’t it?” Marshall Trigask said. “After all, they might have said yes. But now we can get down to fundamentals. Mr. Joenes, I want you and your government to know that we are prepared to repel any attack of any size which you may mount against us.”
“Our defences begin in Eastern Germany,” Oruthi said, “and they run in breadth from the Baltic to the Mediterranean. In depth, they extend from Berlin to Omsk. In short, we have outdefended you, and will be happy to prove it.”
Slavski, who had been silent for a long time, now said, “You will see all this, my friend! You will see the starlight glittering on the gun-barrels! I beg your pardon, but even a humble man like me, a man who might be mistaken for a fishmonger or a carpenter, has his poetic moments. Yes, it is true even though you laugh, gentlemen! Did our poet say: ‘Dark is the grass / When night shall creep / Away in sorrow.’/ Ah, you had not thought to hear me quote poetry! Let me assure you, I am quite aware of the impropriety of my quoting poetry! I regret my conduct more than you could imagine, I deplore it in fact, and yet. . .”
Comrade Oruthi gently joggled Slavski’s shoulder, and he fell silent. Oruthi said, “You must forget his outbursts, Mr. Joenes. He is a leading Party theoritician, and therefore has a tendency toward self-conscious speech. Where are we?”
“I think I had just explained,” Marshall Trigask said, “that our defences are completely in order.”
“Exactly,” Oruthi said. “Your government should not be deceived on that account. Nor should they attack any importance to the Yingdraw incident. Your propagandists have doubtless presented that in many false ways. But the truth is quite simple, and came about through a simple misun
derstanding.”
“I was there at the time,” Marshall Trigask said, “and can tell you exactly what happened. My command, the People’s First, Eighth, Fifteenth and Twenty-fifth Armies, were holding field exercises at Yingdraw near the border of the Chinese People’s Republic. During these exercises we were murderously attacked by a revisionist band of turncoat Chinese who had been subverted by Western gold, and who had somehow eluded Peiping authorities.
“I was political commissar at the time,” Oruthi said, “and I can attest to the truth of what the Marshall is saying. These bandits came at us under the guise of the Chinese People’s Fourth, Twelfth, Thirteenth, and Thirty-second Armies. Naturally we informed Peiping, and then took steps to drive the turncoats over the border.”
“They, of course, insisted that they were driving us back over the border,” Marshall Trigask said, with an ironic smile. “This was what we expected rebels to say, so battle was joined. In the meantime, we had received a message from Peiping. Unfortunately it was written in Chinese. We were unable to read it, and sent it to Moscow for translation. In the meantime battle raged, and for a week both sides blazed away at each other.”
‘The translation came back,” Oruthi said. “It read, ‘The government of the Chinese People’s Republic resents any implication of expansionism on its part, especially in regard to the rich, empty lands adjacent to the crowded Chinese borders. There are no rebels within the territorial limits of the Chinese People’s Republic, and none are possible in a truly socialist state. Therefore desist your warlike attacks upon our peaceful frontiers.”
“You can imagine our perplexity,” Marshall Trigask said . . . “The Chinese insisted that there were no rebels, and we were fighting at least a million of them, all of whom had stolen uniforms from the Chinese People’s Army.”
“Luckily,” Oruthi said, “a high Kremlin official had come to advise us. This was an expert on China. He told us we could ignore the first part of the message about expansionism, since this was meant in the form of a salutation. The second part, about the nonexistence of rebels, was obviously designed to save face. Accordingly, he advised us to push the rebels back into China.”
“That, however, was quite difficult,” Marshall Trigask said. “The rebels had been reinforced by several million armed men, and by sheer weight of numbers had pushed us back all the way to Omsk, on their way sacking Semipalatinsk.”
“Seeing that the situation showed signs of seriousness,” Oruthi said, “we called in reserves. These came to no less than twenty Russian armies. With these we gloriously slaughtered an uncountable number of rebels, and pushed the rest back completely across Sinkiang into Szechwan.”
“We thought that took care of the matter,” Marshall Trigask said. “We were marching to Peiping to exchange views with the Chinese Peoples Government when the rebels suddenly renewed the attack. Their force now numbered some fifty million men. Luckily, not all of these were armed.”
“Even the gold of the West has its limits,” Oruthi said.
“We also received another note from Peiping,” Marshall Trigask said. In translation, this one told us to leave the territory of China immediately, and to cease our warlike assaults against the defensive elements of the Chinese People’s Army.”
“We think that’s what the note meant,” Oruthi said. “But with fiendish cleverness, they had constructed their message so that, when read upside down, it became a poem which went: ‘How beautiful is the mountain floating in the river past my garden.”
“Most ironic,” Marshall Trigask said, “was the fact that, by the time we deciphered their message, we had been pushed back many thousands of miles from the borders of China, all the way across high Asia to Stalingrad. There we made a stand, slaughtered millions, and were thrown back again to Kharkov, where we made a stand, and were once thrown back to Kiev. Again we were forced back, making another stand outside of Warsaw. By this time we considered the situation to be serious. We gathered together volunteer armies from Eastern Germany, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Roumania, Hungary, and Bulgaria. The Albanians treacherously joined the Greeks, who with the Yugoslavs, attacked us from the rear. We threw off this attack and concentrated our forces for the main effort to the east.
We rolled the rebel forces back the entire way they had come, and farther, all the way to Canton, which we devastated.”
‘There,” Oruthi continued, “the rebels threw in their last few million reserves, and we fell back to the border. After regrouping, we fought a series of border engagements for several months. At last, by mutual consent, we both withdrew. That ended the Yingdraw incident.”
“We have been unable to contact Peiping since that time,” Oruthi said. “But the pique of our great ally will pass.”
“Remember to tell your President,” Trigask said, “that our automatic defences and our missile arm is fully prepared, even though our conventional infantry forces may be somewhat reduced. We are ready to rain down destruction whenever necessary. But now, Mr. Joenes, we really must offer you some refreshment.”
Joenes was fed great quantities of yoghurt and black bread, which was all that was available at the moment. Then they went with Joenes in his own jet to show him the fortifications.
Soon Joenes could look down and see row upon row of cannon, mine fields, barbed wire, machine guns and pill boxes, extending endlessly to the horizon, disguised as farms, villages, towns, troikas, droshkys, and the like. Joenes saw no people however, and this reminded him of what he had heard earlier about the state of affairs in Western Europe.
They returned to Moscow Airport and the Russians disembarked, wishing Joenes good fortune on his return to Washington.
Just before he left, Comrade Slavski said to him, “Remember, my friend, that all men are brothers. Oh, you may laugh at such fine sentiments coming from a drunkard who cannot even be counted on to do his work properly. Nor would I blame you for laughing, no more than I blamed my chief, Rosskolenko, for clubbing me over the ear yesterday and saying that I would lose my job if I showed up again drunk. I do not blame Rosskolenko, I love that terrible man as a brother, even though I know that I will get drunk again, and that he will fire me. And what will happen then to my wife, gentlemen, who weeps day and night and lies under the sofa praying? What will happen to my eldest daughter, Grustikaya, who patiently mends my shirts and does not curse me when I steal her savings for drink? I can see that you despise me, and I do not blame you. No man could be more despicable than I. You may abuse me, gentlemen, and yet I am an educated man, I have noble sentiments, a great future once lay before me.
At this point Joenes’s jet took off, and Joenes was unable to hear the end of Slavski’s speech, if that speech had an end.
It was only later that Joenes reviewed all he had seen and heard, and realized that there was no need for a war, nor even an excuse for fighting under present circumstances. The forces of chaos had overwhelmed the Soviets and Chinese, just as it had the West Europeans. But there was no reason now for that to happen in America.
This message, with full details, Joenes sent ahead of him to Washington.
13. THE STORY OF THE WAR
(As told by Teleu of Huahine.)
It is sad to relate, that, as Joenes flew over California, an automatic radar station identified his jet as an invader, and fired a number of air-to-air missiles at it. This tragic incident marked the opening phase of the great war.
Mistakes of this kind have occurred throughout the history of warfare. But in 21st century America, due to the great confidence and affection which men had for their machines, and due also to the semi-autonomous nature of those machines, such a mistake was bound to have dire consequences.
Joenes watched with horror and fascination as the missiles sped toward his jet. Then he felt a violent lurch as the jet’s automatic pilot, sensing the danger, fired its own anti-missile-missiles in defence.
This action brought other ground-based missile stations to the attack. Some of these stations were automat
ic and others were not, but all responded instantly to the emergency call. Joene’s jet, in the meantime, had expanded its entire armament.
But it had not lost the guile which its planners had built into it. It switched its radio to the missiledispatching frequency and broadcast an alarm, declaring itself under attack and naming the airborne missiles as enemy targets to be destroyed.
The tactics met with some success. A number of the older, more simple-minded missiles would not destroy a craft which they considered their own. The newer, more sophisticated missiles, however, had been alerted to just such an attempt on the part of an enemy. Therefore they pressed the attack, while the older missiles fiercely defended the solitary jet.
When the battle between the missiles was fully engaged, Joenes’s jet glided away from the area. With the battle zone far behind, the jet streaked for its home airport in Washington, D.C.
Upon arrival, Joenes was taken by elevator to the Services Command Post, which was several hundred feet underground. Here he was questioned as to the nature of the assault upon him and the identity of the assailants. But all Joenes could say for certain was that he had been attacked by some missiles and defended by others.
This and all other data concerning the battle was given to the War Probabilities Calculator, which quickly presented the following choices in order of apparent probability:
1. The Communist Bloc had attacked California.
2. The neutralist countries had attacked California.
3. The members of the Western Alliance had attacked California.
4. Invaders from outer space had attacked California.
5. There was no attack upon California.
The calculator also gave all possible combinations and permutations of these five possibilities, and ranked them as alternate subpossibilities.
The attending officers found themselves bewildered by the many probabilities, subprobabilities, possibilities and subpossibilities which they were given. They had hoped to choose the statement rated most probable, and to act upon it. But the War Probabilities Calculator rendered that impossible. As new data came in, the calculator revised and refined its probabilities, ranking and grouping them in ever-changing orders. Reappraisal sheets marked “MOST URGENT” spewed from the machine at the rate of ten a second, no two alike, to the annoyance of the attending officers.
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