by Robyn Carr
“I have good references,” he said.
“And there were coincidences. He was moving to Carmel, I was leaving the company and taking a job here.”
“My office is in San Francisco, but I usually work in the field. I’m only in my office a couple of days a week...”
“In the field?” Addie asked.
“Research, interviews, surveillance, whatever case I’m working on.”
“Is it like top secret stuff?” Amber asked.
“Nah. Most of the information is easy to find in public records. But public records or not, it’s always privileged. I can’t tell any details. You know,” he said, giving Addie a nod.
Maybe that was the point on which they bonded—Addie also collected personal stories she couldn’t share.
After dinner, Logan helped clear the table, clean up the kitchen and had a cup of coffee. The girls wandered off, Addie chatted with them for a while then went to her room, kind of obviously leaving them alone. It was ten when Logan left. Justine walked him to his car.
“That couldn’t have gone better if I’d scripted it,” she said to him.
“This isn’t my first rodeo,” he said. “By the time you’re my age, the women I date have kids. Usually teens. I hate to sound arrogant, but I think I do all right with teens.”
“You do all right,” she said with a laugh. “That was a very good intro.”
“Some advice?” he said. Without waiting for an answer he continued. “Reassure them that I won’t be sleeping over now. Tell them your holiday gatherings still belong to you. Tell them I have a family, too, even though I don’t have kids. A good first meeting doesn’t commit them. Believe me, they’ll be glad to hear it.”
“But I think they liked you,” she said.
“I appreciate that. They need time even if they like me. And so do you.”
“I do,” she admitted. “But I’ve been honest, Logan. I like you. I love spending time with you. And I’m committed to only one man—I’m the ridiculously faithful type. But I don’t see another marriage in my crystal ball. Nor anything close to marriage.”
He grinned at her. “You’ve been very clear. And I don’t blame you.”
“Still, that was so much easier than I expected.”
He gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Go in now, get the debrief. I’m sure they have opinions and questions.”
“I’m sure,” she laughed.
She went inside and found Addie waiting for her. The girls were not in sight.
“I expected to be questioned about Logan,” she said.
“I think Livvie is on the phone with her boyfriend, and Amber wandered off. So, Logan seems very nice. How long have you been keeping him a secret?”
Justine sat down on the sectional. “I don’t really know how this dating business goes,” Justine said. “I didn’t mean to keep him secret. After a few months of seeing him, I thought I’d better come clean. I’m completely surprised to be dating. Not only didn’t I expect to, I wasn’t looking to.”
“No surprise to me,” Addie said. “You always land on your feet.”
Justine held her tongue. Was that how Adele really saw it? That after what had happened to her, a few dates with a nice guy was landing on her feet? It was going to take a lot more than that to erase the agony of having the man you’d loved and relied on for so long betray you.
She tilted her head slightly, listening. “What’s that sound?” she asked.
Adele shrugged. “Maybe Olivia on the phone?”
“I’m going to check.”
She went up the stairs and listened at Livvie’s door. She heard her talk, then laugh. And still there was that sound. She pushed open Amber’s door.
Her daughter was facedown on her bed, her cries muffled in the pillow. Justine sat on the edge of the bed and gently touched her back. “Hey, bunny rabbit. What’s the matter? Did something happen? Did something someone say upset you?”
She shook her head, rolled over and wiped her eyes. She sat up on her bed.
“What is it? Did meeting Logan upset you? Did I make a mistake?”
“No,” she said with a hiccup of emotion. “He’s nice.”
“So why are you crying?”
Her face contorted. “It’s like I lost my dad!”
“Because of Logan? Honey, I’m not going to trade your dad for Logan. Logan is just a new friend.”
“But my dad is gone,” she whimpered. “It’s almost Thanksgiving. He moved in with her last March. He won’t see us without including her and she’s a creep. Why does she even want to be around us? We don’t want to know her at all. And he’ll never come home!”
“Oh honey, honey... Listen, there’s something you have to understand—your dad left me, not you. Your dad and I won’t be a married couple again. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t understand this business of him insisting you include his girlfriend—it’s crazy to me. Your dad and I won’t be getting back together. But it’s not because of Logan. It’s because your dad loves another woman. He walked away from everything we built together. He crushed my heart and yours and Livvie’s. I can’t let him do that again.”
She thought about the things she’d tried to keep from the kids—the early mornings of throwing up, the nights she couldn’t sleep or woke up every hour, the mornings of struggling with her makeup so the sleepless nights wouldn’t show on her face. She lost so much weight, she looked emaciated. A doctor friend asked her if she could do with some Xanax, but she was afraid of becoming dependent.
In retrospect, that black hole had passed relatively quickly—a few months. But she had thought about nothing else but her husband and his mistress, obsessed with the betrayal. She thought about all those women who caught their husbands in an affair and didn’t have careers, couldn’t afford to break free.
“We lost him forever,” Amber said. “It’s not our fault, but we lost him.”
“Not really, honey. I think your dad somehow lost himself. He wasn’t feeling strong or important, I guess. And the woman he found made him feel important.”
“But she’s a creep! She’s weird and kind of mean.”
Justine was shaking her head. “I can’t do anything about that. He made his choice. I think in time he might discover he made a bad choice, but it’s a final choice.”
“And you won’t ever take him back? Ever?”
“What if I did and it happened again?” Justine asked. “Listen, we haven’t come to the end of this story yet. This is all new. Many things could change. Your dad has a new business—maybe that will help him feel better about himself. Maybe...”
“Mom, everyone in town knows that kayak shack is a loser! It’s gone out of business a bunch of times!”
“Here’s what I hope,” Justine said. “Your dad was a good dad, and I always thought of him as a good man. Maybe he’ll come around enough so you and Livvie can spend time with him, have a good relationship with him. Maybe the woman he’s with will become more likable in time, who knows? I just want you to remember that very few things are forever. Maybe it seems like your dad is gone now, but maybe that changes in a few months or years.”
“The counselor said something like that, but it still hurts. It hurts that he left us.”
“What did the counselor say, honey?”
“Something like keep an open mind, but I’m allowed to have boundaries. Like I don’t have to go out to dinner with her. I don’t know what’s wrong with my dad. I can tell she’s not a good person.”
Justine felt at once relieved and guilty—her daughters didn’t know the half of it. She was hitting him! Scott was not a skinny, weak little man and Cat was small, though strong. Was Scott letting her hit him? Was he not fighting back? Oh God, imagine if they were beating up each other! She had that scrappy look about her.
“I had that same feeling, Amber. Tha
t suddenly I didn’t know my own husband. I’m hoping it’s temporary insanity.”
“But you won’t take him back?”
“Listen, we can still have good lives, your dad and me. We can be good parents and find a way to get along. Your dad is a smart man, he can work and make a living just like me. He just has to make some good choices.”
“He hasn’t so far,” Amber said, taking a final sniff. “And now you have a boyfriend.”
“If that worries you, I can tell Logan we can’t see each other anymore. I told you—you come first.”
“But you like him,” she said.
“Of course! So do you. I think he’s a good guy. But Amber, we’re not in love or engaged or planning a future together. Logan is not in the way of you having a good relationship with your dad. That can still happen if he just gets his head on straight.”
“I don’t like our chances,” Amber said. “I’ve never seen my dad act so stupid.”
She had to concentrate to keep from saying, If only you knew.
Chapter Sixteen
Adele enrolled in a couple of classes for the spring semester at Berkeley. When she was admitted to the master’s program, those classes would be applied to her transcript. One was from six to eight in the evening three nights a week, and the other was every Saturday, online.
The only person she wanted to tell was Jake. She dropped by the store, picked through some fresh produce, then went looking for him. She finally asked one of the produce managers.
“The last time I saw him he was hosing down the receiving dock out back.”
“I’ll go there,” she said.
“Well, since you’re not supposed to, leave your groceries with me and be very careful. It could be slick.”
She knew her way around the store, of course. It was one of her regular outings the entire time she lived in her parents’ house. She knew the store, the office, the dock, the storeroom, even the dumpsters. She found Jake in the shipping area, wielding his high-powered hose. She stood back, waiting for him to see her. He turned off the water.
“Adele Descaro, as I live and breathe.”
“Yes, Jake, it’s me. I left my cart in the vegetable aisle. How are you?”
“Doing fine, Addie. But how about you?”
She walked toward him. “I saw Bobby Jo at the Walmart the other day, and you’ll never believe what she asked me. She asked if we’d had a falling out. A fight.”
“Is that so? She never asked me,” he said.
“Well, you are the boss. Maybe she didn’t want to seem nosy.”
“That never bothered her before,” he said with a laugh.
“So, there’s been some drama, and I thought you’d want to hear about it,” she said.
“Absolutely, if it’s at all interesting, which most of the drama in this town is not. Whatcha got?”
“Justine is dating someone.”
“No kidding? Do you like him?”
“I guess,” she said with a shrug. “He seems perfectly nice. But it made me see that we never actually dated even if we went out on a few dates here and there, and now we’re not seeing each other at all.”
“Not true,” he argued. “I brought over a bottle of wine and some artichoke spinach dip from the deli. Bobby Jo is well-known for it, and I don’t really know your diet restrictions, but if you can have wine and ice cream, you can have a little of the dip sometimes.”
“That was a week ago and I haven’t seen you since.”
“Well, Addie, that’s because we had a little bit of a standoff about who we are to each other. Last thing I heard—you were thinking about it.”
“I’m thinking about it a lot. You are important to me. How about if I cook for you tonight at your place?”
He had a look of genuine disappointment on his face. “I’m sorry, Addie, I can’t. I offered to help a friend with some wiring. Simple job. It shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours, but I made a commitment and she’s feeding me dinner for it.”
“She?” Adele asked.
“Jeannie Spicer. You know her.”
“Oh, I know her all right. But really, dinner for a chore?” Jeannie was divorced with three kids, and while Jake had helped her out a few times before, this particular time it bothered her.
“It’s what she always does,” Jake said. “I don’t mind helping her if I can. That worthless ex of hers sure doesn’t help much.”
“Hmm,” Addie said.
“So, tell me about Justine’s new man. What’s he do?”
“He’s a private investigator,” she said. “I guess I better go so you can finish up and get over to Jeannie’s.”
“I’d take it as a good sign that you’re acting a little jealous, if I didn’t know you better. You’re never jealous.”
She got her groceries and went home. She was surprised to find that despite the evening before when Logan’s dinner had stirred up some emotions, Justine and the girls were in good spirits. They were going out for pizza and a movie, and she joined them. She could’ve called to invite Jake to dinner the next day, Sunday, but instead she waited to see if she’d hear from him.
She didn’t.
* * *
On Monday at work she made sure she had time to meet at least briefly with Ross. “I feel like I’m losing control of my life. My house is full of new furniture, not to mention people. Justine’s trying to be patient, but she wants to remodel the house immediately after the holidays and she keeps trying to get me to make decorating decisions. I’m afraid of losing my best friend, Jake, because he’s ready to move forward with our relationship. And I’m not ready for any of it!”
“You did have a lot of control before, didn’t you?” Ross said.
“Before when?” Addie asked.
“Before your mom passed away and you were expected to finally get on with your life.”
“And I did! I got this job and enrolled in school. But really, one thing at a time!”
“You came to this office for reentry help and were mistaken for a job applicant. I think you handled that very well, but Adele—that was a fluke,” Ross gently pointed out. “At some point you’ll have to take initiative.”
“I enrolled in school!”
“You did, indeed. You have some choices to make with the rest. You can tell your sister you’re just not ready to remodel. Pick a time—how much do you need? Two months? Three? Because you said she’s driven but very reasonable. Right?”
“Yes. That’s true. I just hate the thought...”
“Adele, do you have trouble telling people no?”
“Obviously,” she said, grumbling.
“That’s a very grown-up thing to learn how to do. It’s not always easy. But if you don’t, you have to suffer the consequences.”
“What consequences?” Adele asked.
“You tell me, Adele. If you don’t say no to Justine or at least give her some boundaries, what will you be living with? You’ll have a muddled-up house that’s half old and half new, and things will continue to be disrupted. Or, you can move forward and give her some room and maybe things get remodeled. And what about this friend of yours, Jake? What if you came right out and told him you don’t love him?”
“But of course I love him!” she said. “I’ve always loved Jake. He’s my best friend in the world. It’s just that... I don’t know if I love him in the way I should to make a commitment of some kind. What if I discover in a few years that it just wasn’t a passionate enough love?”
“Welcome to the real world,” Ross said. “I think it’s fair to say people discover that all the time. God knows why—maybe they change and it turns out your partner isn’t the man you thought he was. Maybe you get bored. The hard truth is, very few couples stay passionately in love for decades. They usually fall in love, get married, learn that love relaxes into a depen
dable partnership and work at staying together. Love tends to ebb and flow.”
“Then how do people stay together for fifty years?” she asked.
“Some people stay in bad relationships because they feel they have no options,” Ross said. “I did that for about ten years. I had no job, no money, very little education...and I couldn’t see my way out. But oh did I have passion. On the good days I had piles of passion.”
“So I guess you’re saying passion isn’t the answer?” Adele said.
Ross folded her hands on her desk. “People travel the world looking for the perfect mate. Some go through a hundred partners in search of true love. That’s why I told you to figure out what love is to you. I know what it is to me.”
“Please,” Adele said. “Tell me.”
“It may not be the same to you. But to me, number one is respect. He would have to respect my feelings, my opinions, my space. He doesn’t have to agree with me, just respect me. And he has to be willing to stay in balance with me—in other words, we have to help each other out. Regularly. There’s got to be compromise—a way to share the load. And if a man ever says a mean word, for me that’s a big red flag. But girl, I am not looking for some man with a good line that makes my toes tingle. I’d rather have the real damn thing.”
“If I could just figure out what is the real thing.”
“There’s a good description in the Bible. Love is not jealous or mean, it is kind and thoughtful—something along those lines. Good relationships seem to boil down to people who are good to each other and thoughtful of their partner’s feelings and needs. I have this friend I met in group when I was getting divorced. She was leaving her husband and she loved him madly, though he didn’t deserve it and he treated her badly. He cheated, he lied, he was mean and had a foul temper, but she had the hardest time letting him go. But she did. Her survival depended on it. After that she wanted nothing to do with love—I think she felt love had cheated her, tricked her. A few years later she married again, this time to a man who treated her with respect, cared about her, was faithful and kind. He wasn’t anything like the first husband and he wasn’t flashy, but his feelings for her were dependable. She trusted him and relied on him. And she fell in love then, once she knew he was the real deal.”