by Robyn Carr
“Sorry, Addie. It’s a big day at the store.”
“But Thanksgiving is over. Shouldn’t it be quiet?”
“It’s Black Friday. Everyone is shopping. We’ll have some sales, like the rest of the world. And I promised Jeannie I’d stop by after work to have a look at her plans. You know, her remodel plans.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I have some experience,” he said. “And she knows I have no interest in taking advantage of her.”
“You’re talking about her a lot,” Adele said.
Jake smiled at her. “I’d think you were jealous if I hadn’t already waited a long time for you to even notice me.”
“Now you’re being silly. I’ve more than noticed you. I’m just the slow moving, cautious type.”
“If you don’t pick up a little speed, we’ll both be too old to enjoy life by the time you get into the passing lane.”
“Now you’re teasing me,” she said.
“No. I’m not. We’ve been over this.”
He gave her a kiss on the forehead and walked down the sidewalk.
She noticed his wide shoulders under his leather jacket; his narrow waist. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans and took long strides down the sidewalk. Jake wasn’t just well built and strong, he was also handsome. But above all, he was kind and honest. For all that Marty was a player, Jake was steadfast.
It was just that he had been her best friend for her entire adult life. Could your best friend also be your passion? Because when she thought about being in love, the image that came to mind was someone exciting. Someone irresistible. Not someone she was already so comfortable with. It would be like dating her brother.
Yet she loved him. She couldn’t imagine life without him.
Justine was sitting on the sofa, idly reading or texting on her phone. The girls were not in evidence, but Addie could hear the distant sound of the TV upstairs.
“I have a question, Justine. If it’s too personal...”
Justine rested her phone in her lap. “I don’t think I have anything too personal left. Go ahead, try me.”
“Were you madly in love with Scott when you decided to marry him?”
She shook her head. “No. We’d been steadies for three years or so. The madly in love part had pretty much settled into mutual respect and affection. It did come back now and then, briefly, when we’d be all over each other like a couple of teenagers, but that in-love part was fleeting. I loved him, though. I always felt pretty secure. Now, looking back, I wonder if he strayed before and was just clever enough to get away with it. Why are you asking me this?”
“Was he your best friend?” Addie asked.
“Sometimes,” she said. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Jake,” she said. “I’d be lost without him. I love him, I do. But I just don’t know if it’s the kind of love that has the power of endurance. Know what I mean? What if I tell him I love him and want to be with him forever and it turns out I really just love him as a good friend?”
“What about physical attraction? What about idiosyncrasies that drive you batshit crazy? Like bad breath or he’s a lousy kisser or he doesn’t like anything you like?”
“I can’t think of anything,” she said. “We even watch Downton Abbey together, though he’d probably rather watch something with a gunfight or something.”
“Then why don’t you take him out for a spin?”
“What if it doesn’t go well? What if I discover it’s not okay? That it won’t work?”
“Then you tell him.”
“So, are you in love with Logan?”
“A little bit,” she said. “But at this stage in my life, I’m not looking for another husband, and he knows that. He doesn’t blame me. He’s not looking for another wife—he was married and has been divorced for years. But we both agree we like what we have. It could last.” Justine smiled. “When I found out about Scott and that woman, I thought my world ended. All I wanted was to survive it. I was worried about the house, about losing it, about not being able to feel confident again. Look what happened. The girls are so happy here. My workload is better and more interesting. I know the whole town. They know me. I thought this would be temporary. I love it. I don’t remember even liking this house when I was growing up. It was just a house. I’ll move if it’s too much for you, but...”
“It’s not too much for me,” Addie said. “I just can’t believe you’re happy in this old house and in this old town. You had a mansion before!”
“It was a nice house, but hardly a mansion. It was Scott’s choice, anyway. I want a quieter life than I had with a big, demanding firm. This is a little like coming home.”
Adele laughed. “Justine, you did come home.”
“Here’s the surprise—I find myself, not even a year after my divorce, genuinely happy. Happier than I was. I didn’t know I wasn’t happy before, but I like that no one tells me what we should do, what I should do. Oh, I’m still pissed off. Scott’s a fool and he made some bad choices, but he’s stuck with it. I’m working on making the choices that work for me. And the girls, of course.
“Addie, you should think about Jake. If he’s a good man and you feel good with him, you don’t want him to get away. Trust me, there isn’t a surplus of guys like that. I don’t think you need a guy to be happy, but the right one can flesh out your life. Just make sure he’s going to support what you want to do and not tell you what you should do.”
* * *
December brought out all the Christmas decorations in Half Moon Bay, and the town glittered. Justine helped decorate the front window of the law practice. People were a little friendlier and happier, if possible. Justine finally got Adele’s agreement on all the tiles and colors and paint; they went together to the appliance store to get new appliances as the ones in the house now were withering with age. They even had time to sit down with a couple of contractors and attempt to plot out the remodel to begin early in January.
Justine had brought Christmas decorations from the San Jose house to adorn the old house, and they put up a tree early. The days grew shorter and the sun was setting by five. And all the lights in town were illuminating the streets.
Justine was just coming out of the law office at five when she heard her name. “Justine,” Scott said. “Hi.”
“Hi, Scott. What brings you to my part of town?”
“I wonder if we could have a talk,” he said, shivering either from the cold or from anxiety. “Would you have a drink with me?”
She looked around nervously. “Is your girlfriend lurking somewhere?”
“No. Just me. Let’s go to Tony’s Oyster Bar. We can walk. Just for a quick drink.”
“Is this about Christmas plans? Because we can discuss that—”
“I’d like to talk about that, yes, but that’s not what this is about. I think I probably should say I’m sorry or something...”
A huff of laughter came out of her. “Ya think?” she said.
“Let’s get a beer or something. Please.”
Justine dreaded whatever was to come. She noticed the fine white scar along his hairline and frowned.
“You’re not planning to clear the air, are you, Scott? Because I really don’t need another long list of reasons how I somehow drove you to another woman.”
“Nothing like that, I promise.”
“All right,” she said, taking off down the street at a brisk pace. “Just a glass of wine. That’s all. I have plans for dinner.”
“Oh? That guy? Logan?” he asked.
“No, my sister and daughters. I’m making a rotini pesto tonight. And salad. And bread. Logan is working, and I have some work to do later.”
“That sounds really good,” he said, struggling to keep up.
“Thank you. You’re not invited.”
It took
them only minutes to reach Tony’s. The place was crowded for happy hour, but most of the patrons were gathered around the bar. Justine found a table in the back near the kitchen door, and she sat down. She put her briefcase on the chair beside her and quickly texted her daughters that she was stopping for a glass of wine and wouldn’t be long. She ordered a chardonnay and waited in silence until it arrived. She didn’t ask “How you doin’?” or make small talk. When her wine arrived, she took a sip and said, “What is it, Scott?”
“Boy, you don’t make it easy,” he said.
“If anyone on earth hasn’t earned easy, it’s you. What did you want to talk about?”
“Well, I don’t know how to say this, Justine.” He stopped and looked down into his beer. Then he looked up with the soulful eyes she had once loved. “I made a mistake. I was wrong about everything.”
“Is that so,” Justine said. “And what has that got to do with me? Or Christmas?”
“It has nothing to do with Christmas!” he said angrily. “It has everything to do with you. Didn’t you hear me? I was wrong! I regret leaving the marriage. I regret having an affair. I was manipulated and fool enough to fall for it.”
“She beat you up again? Or just leave you?”
“She never beat me up!” he insisted. “We had a disagreement. It happens. Justine, I never stopped loving you. You’re the mother of my children, of course I always loved you. I thought... I don’t know what I thought. I made a mistake. I should never have strayed, should never have...”
“Strayed?” she asked, drawing out the word. “Scott, you engaged in a complicated and destructive series of lies for months if not years and destroyed our family! You betrayed us all. So you made a mistake. I guess you’ll have to live with that.”
“Be reasonable, Justine. I’m sorry. I recognize where I went wrong and I’ve learned. I learned way more than I wanted to. We can put it back together.”
“No,” she said. “We can’t.”
“I realize it could take time...”
“It would take a miracle,” she said. “You said you didn’t love me anymore. After my heart stopped ripping apart, I stopped loving you. You took what you wanted and rented a fancy house to live in with a woman who hadn’t given you years, sacrificed for your marriage, helped raise your children, trusted you and—” She paused and sipped her wine. “Let me ask you something. You want your marriage back?”
“If humanly possible.”
“Why?”
“Because I can see now that I was confused! Wrong! Misled and used! You were right and I was crazy! Call it a midlife crisis, but in a way it illuminated all the things I took for granted. We deserve a second chance. We had a good marriage.”
“Everything you took in that settlement,” she said. “Are you prepared to return it to our joint retirement and savings accounts?”
He dropped his chin and looked down into his beer. “Just give me a chance and I’ll make it up to you,” he said. And he said it quietly.
“She got it, didn’t she?” Justine said. “How’d she get it?”
“She didn’t exactly get it,” he said.
“Yet you don’t have it,” Justine said. “She tricked you.”
“She misled me. We were going to be partners. Now I have no money and a failing business. I thought we were going to be partners. I thought I was going to save the business for her, help her out. I thought she’d be grateful, but—” He cleared his throat. “She was very convincing.”
“Until she coldcocked you,” Justine said.
He didn’t respond. He did wince, and she thought the scar on his forehead got whiter.
“I told you that was going to happen,” she said.
“Because I’m so completely undesirable? Because who, besides you, could possibly want me? Because I’m nothing?”
“No! Because she played to your ego and won! You weren’t nothing. You were everything to your wife and daughters! But you walked away from the real thing—loyalty and love and commitment—for a chance to be a big shot! She played you! What made her finally leave? Did you run out of money?”
“No. I told her I would never marry again!”
She leaned away from him, actually surprised that he said that. She thought he was a goner, that he’d fall for anything. She wanted to know how much she’d gotten out of him for that kayak shack, but on the other hand, she’d rather not know. Besides, she could find out. Anything that involved a sale and a filed document could be traced.
“What about you, Justine? Are you into this Logan all the way? Serious?”
“Oh, I’m serious about Logan. I’m not seeing anyone else. We don’t have any plans. It’s new.”
“Then there’s still hope for me,” he said, his face brightening just the smallest bit.
Here she was, about nine months since catching Scott in an affair. She knew women who caught their husbands’ cheating more than once, yet kept their marriage intact and even seemed content. Justine couldn’t do that. As she looked at Scott now, after what he’d done, she wondered why she’d loved him at all. He’d always wanted as much as he could get with as little effort as possible.
And then he blamed her for working such long hours. Blamed the failure of their marriage on her not being perpetually available to stroke his ego.
All this talk of second chances and regrets—Justine was much too cynical for that. He’d probably be back with his other woman by the end of the week.
“No, Scott. I’m not at all open to the idea of reconciling. Not remotely. In fact, I’m not sure we’ll even be friends.”
“How can you say that? After thirty years together?”
She shook her head, and remarkably, she felt the sting of tears. She’d felt for a long time if she could only break down and give out a big, sobbing cry it would release some pressure. “That’s the thing,” she said quietly. “After that many years, after all that love and trust, what you did to me was unconscionable. I doubt any other human being could have wounded me so deeply.”
She pushed back her wineglass, then her chair. She picked up her briefcase and walked out of the bar.
The night was cold and dark, but for the twinkling of the Christmas lights. She was aware that the betrayal was not over for her yet. In fact, his desire to come back to her seemed only to make it worse. She had no idea she could hurt so much.
But then she had a vision of Scott with nothing left after taking everything he could from her. Scott, homeless and bereft. It was a very sad vision. Then the tears coursed down her cheeks.
* * *
Adele hadn’t seen much of Jake since that last big talk they’d had. It was almost a showdown. She’d given things a lot of thought and decided she would find a way to convince him they should get back on track, spend as much time together as possible and let their relationship evolve naturally. She felt they had missed a step in the development of their relationship.
She had to make Jake understand that after being friends for so long, it was awkward to her to change love to in love when she wasn’t sure exactly what that meant in the grand scheme of things. She cared for him, cared deeply. If she were to make a list of all the attributes she thought were important in someone she could be devoted to, Jake had them all. Tenderness, strength, integrity, honesty, kindness, wisdom...oh, the list was long and impressive. All that was lacking was that zing of passion she recalled from years ago when she fell hard for the useless professor.
She had come to learn that feeling wasn’t worth much without all the other things, but that wasn’t helping her right now.
She had tried explaining that to Ross who said, “Sounds to me like you’re taking him completely for granted.”
But of course she didn’t think she was doing that. She thought it was more probable he was trying to motivate her with his frequent trips to Jeannie’s house to look at her re
model plans or her tile choices. She had tile choices and remodel plans he could look at!
With that in mind, she fluffed and buffed, fixing her hair and makeup, and took off from her house to the market. If she found that Jake was once again heading to Jeannie’s, she just might scream. Justine and the girls were going to San Jose to a high school choir concert tonight, and Adele decided it was the right time to give Jake a piece of her mind. He was clearly avoiding her and trying to make her jealous. That was no way to lay the groundwork for a romantic relationship.
She had rehearsed what she’d say many times and did so again as she walked through the cold, foggy night to the market. Jake, I’ve had so many changes this year, my new job that will lead to a new career, my sister and nieces moving in, not to mention that I lost forty pounds and have a completely new lifestyle...and now I feel that I’m losing you! This isn’t the time to put restrictions or demands on our—
She stopped suddenly as the market came into view and outside the front entrance was a paramedic’s truck, a big fire rig and an ambulance. Lights flashed against the low hanging winter clouds. Had someone slipped and fallen? She picked up her pace. Then she saw a gurney wheeled out of the market. The paramedics appeared to be rushed, and one was holding up an IV bag.
She ran. Someone had stretched yellow crime scene tape across the street. A crime? she asked herself. The police were there, but they seemed to be working crowd control. She had a sudden horrible fear that it was Jake. Jake, whose father died of a heart attack at a relatively young age. She couldn’t remember offhand just how old he’d been. She raced up to the gurney just as they reached the ambulance’s back door.
“Who is it?” she asked the first person she came to. “Who’s hurt?”
Bobby Jo, the deli manager, and Lee, the assistant manager, were there. She heard Lee say, “I’ll go fetch his mother. Where are you taking him?”
“We’ll go to Sutter, but no guarantee he’ll stay there. He might need a specialist in the Bay Area.”