by Rachel Kane
No more secrets. Ever.
“I am okay,” he said to Mason.
“I’ve offended you.”
“No, no, it’s not— It’s complicated. That’s all. Please don’t take that to mean more than it does.”
“Can I at least walk you back to the motel?”
Now Liam recognized the tone. It wasn’t an angry disappointment. It was something simpler than that: Mason wanted to spend time with him. Even after that chiding story with its fatal moral, Mason wanted to hang out.
The simplicity of it made him laugh. “Of course you can. We’re not fighting. Here, hold this vast and heavy child for me, while I clear some of this stuff out of the stroller seat. It’s a thousand degrees out here, and I don’t want her swaddling herself and getting overheated.”
“Oh god, hold a baby?”
“I mean, she’s over a year old. You aren’t going to break her. Trust me. She’s made of steel springs.”
How could this big, strapping man not know how to hold a baby? He took her like she was made of delicate antique glass, holding her a distance away from him.
“No, no, more like—” Liam pressed her closer to him. “Use your chest, use your shoulder. Trust me, we’re primates, we’re evolved to hold babies like that.”
Except that as soon as Mason relaxed, cradling that squirming beast in his left arm, her curious fingers rubbing over his roughly stubbled chin, Liam felt such a pang in his heart that it nearly knocked him over. Roo was laughing, her face pink from both amusement and heat, that thin glimmer of baby-sweat at her hairline, utterly happy to be in the arms of this stranger. So often she just wanted to get down and get moving, either that speedy crawl she did, or the more careful pulling-up and taking steps she’d started doing. Maybe she was contrasting Mason’s chin with Liam’s own, smoother, chin, shaved just this morning. She leaned her head back to consider his ear, the back of his head, reaching, always reaching.
“Is this okay?” Mason asked, still with that scared look on his face.
“You’re a natural,” said Liam. And it wasn’t even a fake compliment, that kind that mothers always gave to men, more an expression of surprise that they could do anything successfully with a child, rather than a vote of confidence. No, Liam meant it. Mason had instinctively gotten her set up just right in the crook of his arm, and now his right arm was free. It was the same way Liam held her, always keeping his hand free to scoot things out of her way, or to make her food, or pick up stuffed animals she dropped.
Why is my heart beating so fast?
It didn’t mean anything. There was no room for it to mean anything. Just because seeing Mason holding his child made some kind of emotion well up, something paternal, something primal, some kind of connection he couldn’t possibly begin to describe, it was just a false hope, a trick of the imagination. His mom might have brought him back to this town to hunt down more clues to the great mystery of his father, but that was really it. He couldn’t expect more to come from this visit. He shouldn’t expect more.
But as he busied himself removing blankets and stuffies from the stroller, tucking them into the zip-up storage in the back, he couldn’t help sneaking glances over at the two of them together. Mason’s face had relaxed, and he was talking to her, making little boo-boo-boo nonsense noises.
“She likes real words,” said Liam.
“Does she? Does she like talking? Talking like a grown-up? You’ve got a while before you do that, don’t you?”
Roo was delighted. “Bah-dah-bah-dah-dah-dah!” she exclaimed, adding more syllables the more excited she got.
“All right, there should be plenty of room for her now,” Liam said, beginning to reach for her.
“I mean, I could carry her,” Mason said, not quite pulling her out of reach, but Liam could tell he wanted to.
“Are you sure?”
“The motel is only a couple of blocks from here.”
“But she likes to escape.”
“From me? No, she’s not going to get away, don’t worry.”
How quickly that confidence had emerged.
Liam’s feelings were so confused.
“So I have a shameful confession,” said Mason on the walk back. He still held Roo, who was now wearing her sun hat. Her initial excitement had calmed down, and she’d decided Mason’s shoulder would be a nice place to lay her head for her nap. His voice was quiet, but still audible, just above a whisper.
“It’s a good day for it,” said Liam, pushing the empty stroller. They entered the relative coolness of the covered porch of the motel, and Liam wanted nothing more than to get into his room and crank up the air conditioning.
“You know how I said I was out to a few people?”
If he’d had his way, this would not be the topic of conversation right now. For obvious reasons, being closeted was a sore subject for Liam. But he had to push through that. Mason wasn’t his dad (thank god!), and his choices were his own, and his circumstances were entirely different. “Yeah?” Liam said with a moment’s hesitation, which he tried to cover by working his motel key, with its oversized plastic paddle with the room number, from his pocket. No key-cards for the Superbia Motor Lodge.
“One of them is Justin. Justin Fuh…” He closed his mouth and looked down at the sleeping Roo. “Justin F. Mulgrew.”
“I’m sure there is a story there,” said Liam, letting them in.
The air was already much cooler than outside, and it was a welcome feeling, crisp like autumn. What wasn’t welcome was this strange pang of jealousy at hearing Justin’s name. Why him? Why does he get to know anything about you? You hate the guy.
Not that Liam had any right to say that.
He didn’t have any rights to Mason, certainly no right to feel possessive at all about him. He busied himself getting the travel crib ready for Roo, so she could be put down for her nap.
Which…she did not want to do. She began to wake up and fuss when Mason started to set her down, and he quickly got her back onto his shoulder, bouncing on his heels. She put her thumb in her mouth and went back to sleep.
“Um…guess I’m stuck here for a while,” Mason said.
“You really can set her down. She’ll cry a while—”
“I’m fine like this, if it’s okay.”
“Do you at least want to sit down? Trust me, after a while, your back is going to give way.”
That’s how Liam ended up perched on the edge of the bed, knees nearly touching Mason’s, while Mason was in the single chair in the room. His curiosity was burning a hole through him. “Well?”
“Well what?”
In an urgent whisper: “Justin! You were going to tell me about him!”
Mason restrained his laugh. “It’s the most embarrassing thing. He and I… Oh god, I told you it was a shameful secret.”
“Ugh. Ew. You and him?”
“It was a lonely time in my life,” said Mason. “Just after high school. Everybody else was pairing off, you know? It’s a small town, and all these schoolyard sweethearts were getting married—married!—like it was the freaking 1950s or something. Anyway, I was going to work for my dad, and I had a whole lot of nothing to look forward to. It was one of those summers that felt like it was never going to end, so hot the road seemed to give under your feet, and I was feeling aimless and horny— Oh, jeez, sorry Roo, forget I said that word.”
The baby, of course, heard nothing of this, although Liam’s antennae were sizzling with this wholly unwanted (yet viscerally interesting) information. “Sure,” he said, “give me the G-rated version.”
Mason rolled his eyes. “There was nothing G-rated about that summer. Justin was… Well, he was there, and I guess I fell under his spell. Rich, confident, on his way to college, so there was a natural time-limit to things. No sweetheart stuff there. What a mistake! I didn’t realize that he’d be coming back to town, and worse, would think he owned me, because he knew this secret about me. I swear, he’s not past blackmail, if he thought it
would do him any good. Luckily I have nothing that he wants…other than the occasional humiliation when he reminds me that he knows this one thing about me.”
“So that’s why the…um…effing in Justin F. Mulgrew.”
Mason paused, and in that pause Liam sensed something else, some further chapter of the story that wasn’t going to be told today. Then Mason blinked and continued.
“We all hate him for the way he’s tearing up the town, acting like he owns it, like it’s just his to take advantage of. But yeah, our past definitely adds an extra layer to it.”
“And now here I am,” said Liam, “suddenly making things worse.”
In another context, it might have sounded like a plea for sympathy, for someone to say oh no you’re not, but this thing that was happening between them, this unasked-for thing that kept Liam hanging on every word Mason said, that had him wondering what it would be like to kiss him again, that made him wish he could have just a little more time alone with him, this thing didn’t want sympathy, no, it wanted that quiet laugh of Mason’s, the way his eyes wrinkled with mirth, shaking his head.
“Yeah, you certainly did make things worse,” he said, and that’s all it took for Liam to feel embedded in Superbia. He’d managed to complicate Mason’s life in a way that he could never have touched someone else’s life back in the city, without understanding the vast and complex network of relationships everyone seemed to have around him, with their jobs in far-flung offices and their apartments on the other side of town and their parties still other places…
No, there was something about this little town that let you have an impact just from being there, just from being alive.
Renee had shown more interest in Roo than a thousand strangers had in the city.
Alex had immediately drawn him into the history of the town, in a way nobody had ever entangled him in the story of his home.
And then there was Mason.
He knew he couldn’t have Mason. He understood that. No matter how suddenly he had found himself involved in the little world of Superbia, he’d have to go home eventually. There was a time-limit involved (just like there was between Mason and Justin, he thought with a surprising flare of jealousy), and he couldn’t get too close.
Besides, Mason being in the closet was a problem. A big problem, an insurmountable one. He couldn’t really open his heart to someone who had a secret. Not that open.
You’re getting ahead of yourself. We’ve only kissed. We’ve only sat here and had a conversation. You’re just lonely and suffering from the effects of being kind of isolated from life, that’s all this is.
The truth was, he had to be practical. And there was nothing practical about the idea of a fling with Mason. Nothing at all.
18
Mason
Toby rubbed his temples, like Mason’s news had given him a migraine. “You didn’t sleep with him.”
“No! Like I said, it wasn’t— There wasn’t— He has a kid, Toady, come on!”
Alex groaned. “And you didn’t tell him that we were looking at historical renovation grants?”
“I knew I shouldn’t have come over,” said Mason. He rolled over on Alex’s couch, shoving his face into the cushions. On the arm of the couch, a stack of books teetered, threatening to avalanche onto his head, but that was a risk he was willing to take, not to face his friends.
“I’m just wondering what you did talk about,” said Toby. “Because honestly, if you get me in the room with a hot single guy, I’m going to find something to talk about. And by talk I mean, take off his pants.”
“Our Mason is too valiant for that,” said Alex. “Brave, noble, celibate knight. The purest man in Superbia. Not a filthy, carnal thought in his head.”
He could have stayed with Liam so much longer. There was so much more to talk about, it didn’t even matter what; when the man was around, the words just seemed to flow from Mason, like he’d been so busy keeping quiet that all the things he wanted to say had been dammed up, until Liam came through and broke down the dam, and then there was a flood.
But Liam was busy. He’d brought his work laptop, and his phone had started pinging with messages from his job, and Roo really needed the nap, and Mason had figured the best thing to do was depart, quietly and without showing how much he regretted leaving.
“In all seriousness,” said Toby, “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you like this.”
Alex took the stack of books and plumped them onto the side-table. His hip came down and shoved Mason’s shoulder, forcing Mason to make room for him on the couch. “Are you really smitten with the guy?”
“Oh, hell, I don’t know,” said Mason. “I told him about Justin, and he didn’t flinch, is that a good sign?”
“Whoa, whoa,” said Toby. “You’re already talking about ancient history, and you haven’t even gone to bed with him? Have the dicks even made an appearance yet?”
Even though Toby’s jokes, Mason could hear the note of worry. His two friends had been trying for years to get him a boyfriend, and his current single state was not from their lack of trying. They’d flipped through endless profiles on the apps, pointed out all the cute out-of-town boys who had come into the bookstore or bar, but in the end, none of their well-meaning plans had ever come to fruition.
“Liam is a different kind of guy. He’s…settled. Stable. He’s got a whole life that has nothing to do with being single. And he’s got all this house stuff going on, he really doesn’t need to add me to the list of things he’s thinking about.”
“What you mean,” said Alex, in a gentle voice, “is that you think you don’t deserve to be on that list.” His hand drifted over and pushed the hair back from Mason’s temples, smoothing it down.
“I mean, look at my life,” said Mason. “What do I have going on? What do I have to offer?”
Toby took the other side of the couch, pulling Mason’s feet into his lap. “Are you really going to do this?” he asked. “Are you really going to make us give you a speech about you being worth someone’s love?”
“Love? Jesus, we’re not even talking about love. We’re talking about…like…attention.”
“No, we’re not. We’re talking about you thinking you don’t deserve anyone’s love. We’re talking about how you isolate yourself, even from your two best friends, whenever the topic comes up.”
“It’s true,” said Alex. “That’s the real reason you won’t come out of the closet. You’re too busy thinking you’re not worth anybody’s time. So it’s better if you just hide out.”
If only it were that simple. If only it were psychological, instead of this threat hanging over my head.
Of course, not even Alex and Toby knew about the threat. No one did. So he responded with the version of the story he could tell. “No, the reason I don’t tell the world I’m gay, is because Superbia would never let me live it down—”
“I’m out,” said Toby. “Alex is out. You know as well as we do that several other guys in town are. And have we had a single problem? No. I’m not saying homophobia’s a thing of the past, but we’ve got a special little place here, where everybody knows and loves us, Mason, and you coming out is just going to give them one more reason to love you. It’ll clear your mind. It’ll give you one less thing to worry about.”
“But it will make you have to be honest,” said Alex. “Honest about who you are, and what you deserve.”
“I literally could not be more uncomfortable if you were sitting on my head, cutting off my oxygen,” muttered Mason.
“It may come to that,” said Alex. He picked up a throw pillow and placed it on Mason’s face. “Suffocation or honesty?”
“Oh god, just kill me, all right? It’s so embarrassing, all of it. You know who never asks for any deep, emotional honesty? A plugged drain. Roofing nails that come up and need hammering back down. Brickwork that needs repointing. You go in and you do the job and you don’t have to worry about feelings.”
“Yeah, except your littl
e contractor-metaphor breaks down there,” said Toby, “because you won’t do mindless hook-ups either. You won’t sleep with anybody because it’s too shallow, you won’t fall for anybody because it’s too deep.”
The truth of those words was something to be fought, something to be fended off. The message wasn’t new. They’d had some version of this conversation a hundred times, and his friends never tired of trying to help him. Which probably made them good friends…and made him a burden.
When a bright bell jingled from somewhere far away, Mason didn’t recognize the sound, although they all looked up to see where it was coming from. It came again, a sound that reminded him oddly of Christmas.
“Is that your new phone?” asked Alex.
“It must be,” he said. “I haven’t fixed the ringtones yet.”
Sure enough, the phone was on the table near the door—the table itself covered in books, some open, some with order forms stuck inside them, some in envelopes for shipping, all part of Alex’s bookstore work. He picked it up, and his eyes widened with surprise.
Look, said the first message, my mom finally made it to town and is watching Roo. I hated the way we got cut off earlier.
The second message was the one that made his heart flutter:
Can I see you? Tonight?
A million years seemed to pass from the time he pulled the truck up to the Superbia Motor Lodge, to the moment Liam opened the motel room door. He watched Liam turn back, waving, saying some final words, before coming out to get into the passenger seat.
“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of Liam’s mouth. “I know that was forward of me—”
“No, what? I was happy you texted me.”
“It’s just…”
“Yeah?”
Liam threw his head back against the seat and sighed. “I hate even talking about this. It’s so embarrassing. I’ve been out of the game too long, I don’t even remember how it goes. But the other night, when you and I…you know…”