by Katie Meyer
A rustle startled her out of her thoughts, and she turned to see Ryan poking his head around the curtain that surrounded her bed. His eyes were shut, and he looked ridiculous. Ridiculous and wonderful.
“Hey, are you decent? I know you said you wanted to be alone but the captain was asking if there was any news, and the nurses won’t tell me anything.”
She checked that the flimsy hospital gown covered everything worth covering, and called to him. “Come on in—and you can open your eyes. I’m just waiting for the lab results, and there was talk of doing some kind of scan, depending on what they find. It could be a while.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.” Sitting alone had lost its appeal. Any distraction was better than wondering what might be wrong.
As if reading her mind, he bypassed the chair and sat down next to her on the bed, far enough away for modesty’s sake but close enough for moral support.
A minute later, the doctor returned, a clipboard in his hand. He stopped when he saw Ryan. “I didn’t realize you had a visitor. Perhaps, sir, I could ask you to step out for a minute? For the patient’s privacy?”
Ryan started to stand but Jessica put a hand on his arm, stopping him. “He might as well stay.” If she was going to get bad news, she didn’t want to be alone. “He’s my partner, he needs to know what my situation is, medically, for us to work together.” That sounded better than just saying she was scared, right?
“If you’re sure.” He glanced down at the paperwork again, and then cleared his throat. “The good news is, we don’t think there is any internal bleeding.”
“You don’t think?” Ryan interrupted. “Shouldn’t you be sure? Isn’t that what the CT scan was for?”
The doctor raised an eyebrow, and continued. “As I was saying, we don’t think there is any internal bleeding based on the blood work we did, and the physical exam. No tenderness was noted, and her red blood count is excellent, as are her platelets. A CT scan would give more definitive information, of course, but I’m afraid that is contraindicated during pregnancy.”
“Wait, what? I’m not pregnant.”
Turning the clipboard to face her, the doctor pointed out a line of test results where the word positive had been circled. “Actually, Miss Santiago, according to your this, you are.”
Chapter Four
Jessica’s first reaction was to laugh, the sound slightly hysterical even to her own ears. “Pregnant? You must be kidding. Or you got the samples mixed up. Or something.” The last word came out strangled, as fear tightened its grip on her body.
His eyes softened, and he lowered his voice. “I’m afraid not. I’m sorry, I thought you already knew. From the level of hormones detected you are far enough along that you should have missed at least one period by now.”
Pregnant? Period? She was as fluent in English as she was in her mother’s native Spanish, but somehow the words just refused to make sense. But the doctor seemed to be waiting for a response of some sort, so she answered on autopilot. “I have irregular cycles. I often skip a few months. It runs in the family.”
“And you aren’t on birth control?”
“I haven’t needed it.” She blushed. Obviously she had needed it, at least that one time. But they’d used a condom. Tequila or not, she remembered that much clearly.
Ryan was obviously thinking along the same lines. “But we used protection.” His face had gone slightly white under the dark stubble that lined his jaw.
The doctor shot an amused glance to Ryan before clearing his throat. “Oh, I see. Well then, as I’m sure you know, condoms are not one hundred percent effective. Of course, nothing is.”
Ryan nodded, his jaw clenched so tight she was afraid he might break a tooth.
“The perp landed right on my abdomen. Do you think the baby—”
“He or she is probably fine. The human body is designed to protect the fetus. But to be safe, I’d like to do an ultrasound. We can make sure everything is as it should be, and take some measurements that will give us a more accurate understanding of how far along you are.”
“Eight weeks.”
Ryan turned a startled look her way, and the Doctor looked up from his paperwork. “I’m sorry, I thought you said you didn’t know you were pregnant?”
“I don’t. I mean I didn’t. But it’s been two months since graduation, and there was only the one time...” She blushed. The doctor didn’t need the details of her sex life, or the lack there of. Neither did Ryan, for that matter. Other than the part he’d participated in, of course.
“I’d still like to do the ultrasound.”
She nodded, too shell-shocked to form actual words.
“I’ll just get the equipment then,” he said, leaving her alone again with Ryan. Standing against the wall, his hands held rigidly at his sides, he looked straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.
“I didn’t know.” Somehow it seemed important he understand that. Not that it changed anything.
“So I heard.”
Anger bubbled to the surface, working its way past the shock and terror that had gripped her. She embraced it, using its heat to chase off the chill of fear. “It’s true. I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen. And I didn’t get into this situation on my own.”
“That’s not what I meant. Or maybe it is—hell, I don’t know what I meant.” He shoved a hand through his hair, frustration radiating off him so strongly she could practically feel it on her skin.
The curtain rustled, signaling the return of the doctor, this time pushing what must be the ultrasound machine.
“If you could just lie down, we’ll take a peek.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” She carefully positioned herself on the crinkly paper–covered bed, carefully covering her lower body with the flimsy sheet before pulling her gown up to expose her stomach. Modesty at this point might be along the lines of closing the barn door after the horse had bolted, but she didn’t care. She was holding on to her dignity by her fingernails right now and would take what comfort she could.
“Dad, you’ll need to come closer if you want to see the monitor.”
Ryan visibly startled at the familial term, and shook his head.
Jessica’s stomach clenched. He didn’t want to see the baby. Probably didn’t want to be involved with the pregnancy or the baby at all. Why would he? She wasn’t anything to him, they barely knew each other. Great sex and a shared commitment to the law wasn’t enough to build a relationship on, let alone a family.
Cold jelly, wet and slippery on her stomach, dragged her from her thoughts. Once she was sufficiently covered in the slimy stuff the doctor placed a probe on her abdomen, pressing down against her flesh.
She had to strain her neck to see the monitor, but even staring right at it she wasn’t sure what she was seeing. Nothing on the screen looked remotely like a baby. She’d thought maybe some instinct would guide her eye...but so far, no such luck. She’d known about the pregnancy for only a few minutes, and she already felt like a bad mother. Frustrated, she squinted at the black-and-white squiggles, unwilling to broadcast her ineptness by asking for help. It was bad enough she’d had to admit she didn’t know she’d been pregnant, she wasn’t going to give the doctor, or Ryan, any more reason to doubt her capabilities to handle this pregnancy. Shouldn’t she be able identify her own baby when looking right at it?
As if sensing her confusion, the doctor smiled, the tired lines around his eyes softening. “See that dark area? That’s your uterus. And this white spot that looks a bit like a peanut? That’s your baby.”
Her breath caught in her throat. Her baby.
“And that flickering there? What’s that?” Ryan’s deep voice caught her off guard. He’d come closer to see, despite his earlier refusal.
“That’s the heartbeat. Give me a second and I’ll let you hear it.”
Jessica raised her eyes to meet Ryan’s as a steady thump thump filled the room. Through the unshed tears blurring her vision she saw him swallow hard.
“One hundred and seventy beats per minute.”
“Is that good?” she asked.
“It is. In fact, everything looks perfect. Seems baby is none the worse for wear after your incident.”
“Perfect.” She repeated the doctor’s word, and knew he was wrong. Not that she wasn’t grateful the baby was okay. She was. But the situation was far from perfect. In fact, her life was now about as messed up as it could be. And she had no idea what to do about it.
* * *
At least a dozen different emotions had worked their way through Ryan in the last ten minutes. Ever since he heard the word pregnant. But now, looking at that little flickering light on the monitor, there was only one feeling filling him from top to bottom.
Love.
Not for Jessica, of course. As much as it would make things simpler if they were a happy, devoted couple, the truth was they were still in the lust phase. But he did feel love, stronger than he’d known was possible, for the little baby growing inside of her. He’d tried to keep his cool, to stay detached and let Jessica deal with things before shoving his way into matters, but when the doctor had pointed out the baby on the screen he’d wanted—no, needed—to see. And from the second he’d watched that little heart pumping away, fighting for life, he’d fallen head over heels.
Fatherhood hadn’t been in his plans, not anytime soon anyway, but there was no denying the instant sense of connection he’d felt. And then the crushing weight of responsibility. He knew more than most how much influence a father had on a child. He wasn’t even close to ready for that, but there was no way he would turn his back on his own flesh and blood.
And he could see in Jessica’s eyes that she feared just that. No doubt a surprise pregnancy was scary for any woman, but to find out like this, after such a shock, had to be terrifying.
Not that she’d show it. That was one thing he did know about her—she didn’t back down from a challenge. The way she’d taken on the perp tonight showed that. But right now her eyes were misting over and he knew that he’d caused whatever stress and anxiety she was feeling. If he’d kept his hands off her...
But he hadn’t. And now he needed to find a way to make it right by her. And by their child.
Taking her hand where it lay on the hospital bed, looking nearly as white as the sheet she’d covered herself with, he squeezed, hoping to communicate to her that he’d find a way to fix things. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
He tried not to let her soft skin distract him as he listened to information the doctor was giving on prenatal vitamins, due dates and the need to stay hydrated and eat more frequently. Finally the doctor finished, leaving a referral to a local ob-gyn, a handout on the prenatal classes offered at the hospital and a warning for Jessica to take it easy for the rest of the night.
Now alone with her in the tiny curtained room, the silence between them stretched awkwardly, broken only by the beeping of equipment and the hushed tones of the staff as they tended to other patients nearby. Wordlessly, Jessica swiped at the gel left on her stomach with a tissue. He found himself watching, looking for some sign of the pregnancy on her still-flat abdomen.
“Do you mind?”
“What?”
“I need to get dressed. Alone.”
“Right.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll just wait outside.”
He paced the green-and-white-tiled corridor while she dressed, racking his brain for a way to make this turn out right. But when she emerged in a pair of borrowed scrubs, her bloody clothes bagged as evidence, he was still too shell-shocked to think clearly.
“Are you okay?” he asked, wincing at the trite words. But it wasn’t like he had better ones. Was there a right thing to say to a fellow officer of the law that you just happened to have accidentally impregnated?
“Okay?” The brittleness of her voice ripped at his conscience, scraping away any pretense of normality. “Nothing about this is okay. But don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”
“What do you mean, you’ll handle it? This is as much my problem as it is yours.”
“Problem? That’s what you think I am? What this baby is? A problem? Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need your help.”
Crap. He was making things worse, which—given how bad things had been even before he opened his mouth—was pretty impressive. Stepping in front of her, blocking her path to the door, he tried again. “I didn’t mean you were a problem. Or the baby. I just meant that I know this is a tough situation and I want to help. I want to do my part.”
“Your part? What does that even mean? Are you going to carry the baby? Are you going to get morning sickness for me, or give birth? Are you going to have to face the commander and explain why you’re going to need maternity leave after less than a year on the job? Are you going to have to juggle nursing and pumping and working?”
Her eyes filled again and he found himself wishing he had an answer that would make things all right. But he didn’t. “No, you’re right. I can’t do those things for you. But I do want to help. Just tell me what to do, what you need.”
“Honestly Ryan, I’m not trying to be difficult, but there’s nothing you can do right now. In fact, what I really need is for you to get the hell out of my way.”
* * *
Jessica had been equal parts surprised and relieved when Ryan had let her leave the hospital without any further issues. She was even feeling the tiniest bit guilty over the way she’d treated him. But dammit, she was tired, and hungry and sore all over. Add in her entire life being turned upside down and she was past the point of being polite. Hell, she was almost past the point of being coherent.
A strange punch-drunk sensation came over her as she climbed into the cab the front desk had called for her. Riding back with Ryan was out of the question, and so was calling her family. Which meant she’d just been giving the biggest news of her life and had no one to tell but an overweight taxi driver who smelled of stale cigarette smoke and cheap aftershave.
“I’m pregnant.”
“Huh?”
She giggled, the absurdity of the night catching up with her. The laugh held more hysteria than amusement—but laughing was still better than crying. “I’m pregnant. And I barely know the father. Oh, and I might lose my job.” Her chest tightened on that last bit, but after the adrenaline rush at the bar and then the news of the pregnancy it was like she had run out of fight-or-flight hormones. She just didn’t have any more panic in her. Not tonight.
“Well, um, congratulations. And, I’m sorry. Er...”
She laughed again, this time at his flabbergasted expression, letting the tension of the last few hours leak out with each breath, until she felt as limp as a deflated balloon. No doubt Mister Smoky up-front thought she was a lunatic, but that was okay. The reputation she’d worked so hard to build was about to be destroyed, so what did the opinion of one cab driver matter?
Minutes later she was on her own front steps, or rather her mother’s front steps. She was scheduled to move into her own apartment on the first of the month. It was a dingy little place in the worst part of town, but it was all she could afford on her new salary. She’d promised herself she’d find a better place once she’d saved up some money, but with the baby coming who knew when that would be.
The irony was that she had plenty of money sitting in the bank, an inheritance from her grandmother. It was in a trust fund that was supposed to transfer to her after the birth of her first child, or on her thirtieth birthday, whichever came first. Except dear old grandma had been a devout Catholic, and had specified that if the baby came first, Jessica had to be married to get the money. Babies born out of wedlock were not an option as far as Grams was concerned.
Jessica pushed those thoughts aside. She w
as too tired and too hungry to figure anything out right now. As if on cue her stomach grumbled, probably triggered by the incredible aroma seeping through her front door.
Free food was definitely the biggest perk of living at home. Unfortunately, her mother’s home-cooked dishes came with a heaping side of motherly advice and unlimited refills of guilt. If you looked up overprotective in the dictionary there was a picture of her mother. Jessica wasn’t sure if it was worse for her because she was the only girl, or because she was the youngest, or because her brother, Alex, now had his own family, but whatever the reason, it had gotten worse in the past year or two. Of course, joining the sheriff’s department had just added fuel to her mother’s worries.
And now she had to tell her mom she’d ended up in the hospital on her first day in uniform. That wasn’t going to go over well.
At all.
And the pregnancy? That news would keep until after this round of maternal guilt was over. One crisis at a time.
Hoping to delay the inevitable at least long enough to change into her own clothes, she inched the door open as silently as possible, easing it closed behind her. She made it all of three feet down the hall before her mother, using whatever superpowers mothers had, sensed her presence.
“Jessica, is that you?”
“Si, Mama.”
“Well, come here so I can talk to you without yelling across the house.”
Knowing it was useless to argue, she turned back toward her mother’s small but cheery kitchen. “I didn’t expect you so early, are you on a dinner break? Just let me finish up these dishes and I will fix you up a plate of food.”
“I’m home for the night. There was a bit of an incident...”
Her mother spun around, her hands dripping dish suds onto the tile and her eyes filled with fear. “An incident? Dios mio, what happened? Where are your clothes—your uniform? Did you quit?”
Jessica couldn’t help but detect the note of hope in that last question, layered on top of the thicker layer of concern.