by Alice Carina
I should've asked her. Even when I thought they were over and she'd told me many times before that I could have her exes, I should've still waited and asked her and then none of us would've been in that mess, but it was too late now. Not telling her was a continuation of my part of the betrayal, but what would I be doing by telling her? Making her give up on love and hating me wasn't going to help any of us or make anyone feel better, so what was the point? I just hoped that her relationship with Kyle would end on its own terms, terms that would let her turn to me and still trust other men out there.
My stomach or my baby in my stomach turned every time I thought about Kyle, making me sicker than the early hours of the morning. I couldn't understand him. How could he still be with my sister after being with me? How could he have spent a night with me after spending so many with my sister? How could he not see how sick and twisted the whole situation was and just end it abruptly to spare us all the drama that the truth would bring if he kept teasing his luck like that?
I couldn't tell my sister, but I couldn't just stand and watch her fall deeper in love with a boy like that.
"Hey, Katie, can you help me with-?"
"I'm going out," I interrupted her.
"What?" But I was already out the door.
I just pretended that I didn't know what was going to happen between them that night, just like I was trying to pretend that Kyle didn't truly remember, just like I was pretending that I wasn't really pregnant and could wake up at any moment baby-free, just like I was pretending that everything was still the same, normal and boring and persistent and the same.
I don't know for how long I walked or where to, I just kept on taking one step after the other until I felt like I'd walked back into my old self, the old Katelyn who liked to take long walks and think about nothing because she had nothing to think about.
A car screeched on the side of the road and I turned to find it stuffed with boys from my school. One of them was sitting at the window with half of his body hanging out of the car dangerously, and back then everything about boys seemed dangerous. One of the car doors opened and a guy staggered out, obviously having been pushed from inside, then Chad jumped out behind him. Our eyes met and he quickly looked away, whispering something to his friend who smirked and shook his head.
Chad crossed the road, and I stood still because he appeared to be approaching me. His friends were wolf-whistling and cat-calling him and making weird noises at his back and he seemed torn between moving towards me and just walking away from all of us, but, eventually, he reached me, his cheeks red, his smile shy, and his words flustered.
"Are you okay?" He finally managed when his friends started driving away, very slowly and still cooing and whistling. He started walking, moving us in the opposite direction faster.
"Yes," No. No, I'm not, but I'm pretending that I'm okay and that everything's okay and maybe saying that I am and that everything is would make it so. "I'm okay."
"It's just that you look so distant lately," he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. We both weren't good with live conversation and I wondered if it would've been too weird to offer that we take out our phones and text instead. "And you haven't been replying to any of my texts. Did I do something wrong or -?"
"No, no," I quickly interrupted him. "It's not your fault. It's me. I'm just..." I'm just pregnant - happened from my first time because I'm just that lucky. The father? Oh, he's the love of my twin sister's life, if you must know. They're doing great though and he thinks that this is all normal, but then again he doesn't know that I'm pregnant. Did I mention that already? That I'm pregnant? That there's a baby growing inside of me as we speak right now? "Going through some things..."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He offered sincerely, but quickly added; "I don't mean to pry or anything, but maybe I can help or something."
"Thank you," I blushed, just like I would have had we had that conversation just a few months before. "But that's actually the last thing I want to do right now. I just want to take my mind off... some things."
"I can help with that, too." He smiled that charming smile of his that made all the girls – myself included – fall for him.
We were about five-minutes away from the temporary carnival that was only there till the end of the week. Josslyn and Kyle had tried to persuade me to go with them, but I refused to be anywhere around them, and Chelsea had begged me to go boy-hunting and fun-having with her, but I couldn't stomach either idea. Yet, somehow when Chad suggested it with that smile of his, I couldn't say no.
The smell hit me the hardest - the smell of various foods that should never be mixed and sugar and people and sweat. It took everything in me not to scream; I'm pregnant! I can't go on any of the rides or eat anything. I'm already sick just from walking through the gate.
I held my breath for as long as I could as I steered us away from all the food places. Chad didn't seem to notice as he chatted alongside me about all the amazing rides and games he'd already tried with his friends less than an hour ago. I felt guilty; he'd already been there and had fun till he was tired but he came for my sake and I was going to bore him by my inability to go on any of the rides he wanted to re-try and I felt too sick to even fake enthusiasm.
There was a long row of colorful stalls that looked like they had been added to the back of the carnival at the last moment. They were away from all the food and wild games and naturally failed to gain anyone's attention except for those romantic few who had been seeking seclusion.
"Hit the center and win a prize for your beautiful lady." A guy about our age invited Chad with a fake accent.
We probably looked like all the other couples there; a boy and a girl walking alone away from the noise so that they could hear each other better and enjoy each other's company without interruptions. I was about to correct the guy that I wasn't Chad's lady or anything, but Chad didn't seem to notice the boy's choice of words and walked over to the stall.
He paid the guy a dollar and took the dart, aimed it, and hit the exact center of the target on his first try. It was cliché and probably just lucky, but at the time it was the most impressive thing a boy could've done to impress a girl and I knew that any other girl from our school would've seen it as the perfect opportunity to turn the flirt on and gush at how cool and manly he was, but I just stood there smiling and blushing.
"Which one do you want?" The boy asked us and Chad turned to me as I looked at the long shelf of stuffed animals.
I liked them all, but I was too ashamed to pick one that seemed too girly or too childish, as if it was possible for a stuffed toy to appear cool and mature.
"You pick," I shrugged. I didn't want to disappoint him with my choice; he was the one who had won it after all and how often did a guy get a chance to pick a stuffed animal?
He hesitated for a moment, clearly never having done that before, but ended up picking the biggest. It was a stuffed Panda that was the entire size of my head and torso. He ended up carrying it for me when he saw how uncomfortable I was finding it to balance it around my stomach and still be able to see, he held it to his hip like a toddler and resumed our chat as if he was used to carrying stuffed toys which made me giggle, I actually giggled like a star-struck little girl.
We walked around for a while, just talking, and the conversation flew so swiftly and easily it was as if we were reading our texts aloud. That had never happened between us before. I wondered if it would've been like that had we ever been able to meet and talk without our friends hanging around or if that was what our date would've been like had I said yes three years ago. We didn't necessarily talk about anything serious or anything in particular, we just talked and couldn't seem to stop finding something to smile or laugh about. It felt nice to just be out of the house and not think about anything except the humor into which he naturally led my thoughts. He was nice and, at the moment, I'd needed somebody to be nice to me more than anything, especially when I hadn't been able to be nice to myself in a while an
d was constantly running from my sister's and Kyle's niceness.
I didn't want to be out by the time my parents returned, so we decided to end the night, but he insisted that I had to at least go on one ride, so I picked the safest; the Ferris wheel.
We got on and he chose to keep the Panda to his side. It took quite some space which pressed us together, but it felt natural. Our cart was all the way at the top when the operator stopped the wheel like he did every couple of minutes and we had a perfect view of the fireworks that had been going on for over ten minutes since it got dark enough for them to fully show. They exploded in red, orange, green, and yellow before dissolving into the white stars, somehow adding to their shine. I felt something inside of me explode with them, all the guilt and confusion and fear dissolving away, leaving me suspended and shining with a weird sense of detachment and relief.
"This is so..." my breath caught. It was just too...
"Beautiful," Chad completed for me. I turned to smile at him, but he was already looking at me.
He was too close to me in the tight space. Our legs were pressed together, our hips were pressed together, our arms were pressed together, and our eyes seemed pressed together, too. I couldn't tell if the noise in my ears was the sound of fireworks or my own pulses exploding. I was still slightly dizzy with a strange sense of sudden detachment as his face grew closer to mine. The past two hours had felt like a perfect first date; we had fun, we talked, we got to know each other better and liked what we found out, we laughed, and I felt physically and emotionally closer to him that I ever had in our past years of phone-and-class friendship. He was nice and the time we spent had been nice and it felt like a really nice date. It seemed only natural that it would end that way; that he would kiss me and it would be nice and make me feel closer to him and maybe he would ask me out again and we'd date and it would be fun and nice and everything I'd been fantasizing and daydreaming about for the past three years.
Except that I wasn't the same girl I'd been for the past three years. I wasn't the same girl who could date and have fun and who deserved somebody being nice to her, and I certainly had no right fantasizing or daydreaming about anyone anymore. I was pregnant. I had a baby on the way. Who would date somebody pregnant with somebody else's baby? What kind of fun would I be when I was sick all of the time? Who would be nice to a girl pregnant by her own sister's boyfriend? What kind of girl maintained crushes and silly daydreams while pregnant by a guy she'd never even liked?
His face had gotten too close; there was no mistaking his intention. He was going to kiss me. I wondered if it would be sweet and romantic like I often imagined, or it would leave me disappointed and confused like Kyle's. I was about to find out, I was about to live what many girls I knew dreamed about, I was about to live what I'd been dreaming about for three years.
Our lips were a paper-width apart. I could feel his breath on my lips; I could almost feel his lips on my lips. And I knew just from our proximity and the wild beatings of my heart that it was going to be perfect, but I quickly jerked away.
I couldn't do that to him; I couldn't risk him liking me or wanting to take this further while I knew that we could never be anything more than friends after what I'd done. I couldn't do that to myself; I couldn't make things awkward between us and lose him as a friend and endure more guilt and regret added to the weight of my pregnancy.
I looked away from his surprised face, but we were stuck in a cart together high up in the air with nowhere to go and no way of escape.
"I'm sorry," he quickly said. "I thought... I shouldn't have... I just – I've liked you-"
"Please, don't." I stopped him. Why hadn't all of that happened just a few months ago? Why hadn't we talked just a little while before? Why did I have to know this now when it was useless to the both of us and we could no longer do anything about it? Why did it hurt so much?
"I'm sorry," he apologized again.
"No, it's not your fault. It's all mine." I took a deep breath and the tears rushed down as I let it out. "I do like – it doesn't matter what I like anymore. It's too late now."
"What are you talking about?"
I turned to him and he was looking at me with so much concern it broke my heart further. He was just as nice and caring as I always knew he was. Why had I never tried Chelsea's advice and gone for him? Why had I never talked to him like a normal person whenever we met instead of just pretending that we hadn't opened our hearts to each other the day before over the phone? I was always too scared of his rejection or of letting it get to my head that I meant more to him than just a phone-buddy, but any kind of humiliation would've been better than the pain of seeing him with somebody else in the hall or the regret I couldn't escape in the tight cart and all the 'what if's pounding me with guilt.
"I did something bad, Chad." I sobbed and looked away, "Something really bad."
It was crippling - the loneliness I felt. All the carts on the wheel were full, people shoved each other to move below us, and he was still pressed to my side, yet I felt so alone in my head with a secret I couldn't bring myself to share.
"It's not the end of the world," he shrugged. It is the end of mine. "We all make mistakes."
"Not like this,"
"You can talk to me," he assured me. "I might not be able to do anything, but talking always helps. Just get it off your chest." I shook my head. I couldn't tell him, or anyone. "Please, just tell me what's wrong."
"You'll find out soon enough." I knew it was only a matter of time before my stomach got too big and everybody found out. When he did, he would regret having wasted his night with me, he would regret having almost kissed me, and he would regret having ever been my friend.
I didn't know I'd broken into hysterical sobs until his arms went around me and pulled me even closer. He didn't say anything or offer to listen again, he just held me until I was all out of tears and there was nothing but embarrassment as I pulled away.
"I'm sorry," I nearly laughed. I'd been crushing on that guy for three years and the first time I actually met him outside of school and talked to him like a normal person and made him laugh, I ended up rejecting him and soaking his shirt with my tears.
"It's fine," he pulled out a tissue and gave it to me. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I guess," I nodded and wiped my face. "Thank you, for everything. For trying to cheer me up by bringing me here and for offering to listen and for letting me cry..." I trailed off, "and the Panda."
"It was nothing, really," he chuckled. "I'm just sorry I couldn't get your mind off... whatever was bothering you."
"No, you did," I assured him. "I had a great time and it was a great day, but I'm sorry I ruined it at the end."
"This isn't the end." He fake-frowned at me, "I can't let you go home feeling even more depressed than when I brought you here. Tell you what, we'll go on another round, this time we won't talk about anything, and I won't try to kiss you, scout's honor," he put his hand to his heart and I laughed. "We'll just watch the fireworks and not think about anything."
And so we did. He paid for another round and we went up again. The wheel paused with us a little lower than the first time, but the colors were still just as beautiful. After my crying session, I felt much lighter, and it was even easier than the time before to get lost in their beauty and to feel detached from all my thoughts and free from the world and to feel shiny and new again.
We got off the wheel and somehow he resumed the conversation we'd been having before getting on. It was so easy to laugh with him and to forget everything else that his voice wasn't mentioning. We talked the whole way back home and I didn't feel the time or any exhaustion from the long walk until he stopped walking and I saw my house. The car wasn't there, meaning that my parents were still out.
Chad walked me to the door like the gentleman he was, still talking and making me laugh until we reached my door and the conversation couldn't go on any further.
"Thank you," I smiled when he handed me my Panda. "I
had a great time tonight."
"Maybe we can do it again sometime?" He asked.
"Sure," it was an automatic response, and I tried to maintain my smile when it suddenly hit me that we never could. "Even if we don't, I'll never forget tonight." It was probably going to be my last date in a long time, possibly even forever, but I knew that I would never forget it because it was the first time Chad and I had went out – even though it wasn't officially a date – and he was everything I'd always known he would be and everything I would probably never stop dreaming of having.
"Me, neither," he smiled.
I wondered if he'd liked me before, I wondered if he liked me then, I wondered if I lived up to his expectations and if he really wanted to see me again, I wondered if he would also remember that that night was our first together away from everyone, and I wondered if it meant as much to him. His smile affirmed all.
He lowered his face and quickly placed his lips on my cheek before I could even think to move. He stayed there for a long moment that wasn't long enough, letting me memorize his scent and the feel of his lips. His eyes almost shined with pride when he pulled away after having successfully kissed me and saw my face flushed and my smile unbreakable.
"Goodnight, Katie." He whispered, still too close.
I couldn't respond, so I just nodded, and that, for some reason, made him smile wider.
I stood there at my door and watched him walk down the street until I couldn't see him anymore. He turned several times and smiled each time he saw me still standing there.
*
I walked up to my room, laughing to myself as I struggled with my Panda up the stairs. I opened the door and found Josslyn and Chelsea lying on my bed, earphones plugged into my laptop with a look of amusement on Chelsea's and that of utter boredom on Josslyn's at whatever they were watching. I walked in and their eyes shifted to me, they quickly dropped their earphones and sat up straight.