by Alice Carina
I finished the muffin hungrily, but took my time sipping my minted tea. Mom made me minted tea whenever I had stomachache, it always made the pain go away within sips, if only this problem could go away as easily. I wished mom was there with me, I wished what I'd done was something I could actually talk to her about and have her help me with, I wished I could tell myself that she wouldn't have thrown me out herself had she known why I'd left.
"Um... Miss?" The guy waved his hand in front of my face, seeming to have been trying to get my attention for a while.
I looked up at him. He was tall with dark hair and bored eyes. He seemed only a few years older than me, but something about his voice and his expression implied a man much wiser than his years.
"I'm closing," he informed me, and I looked around to find that there was nobody else.
I nodded and stared at my unfinished tea as if it could answer the question I'd been putting off while drinking it; where on Earth was I supposed to go? It was dark outside, and late, and cold, and I was tired and didn't know anybody and had nowhere to go or any money to get to it if I did.
"Do you own this place?" I asked him quietly.
He seemed taken aback by my question, even more so by my continuing to sip my tea, hoping that I was just a few more sips from ending the pain and the mess and everything.
"Y-yes," he cleared his throat. "I inherited it from my parents a few years ago."
"Do you work here alone?"
"Yes?" He clearly wanted me to get to the point, and there was no way around it.
"Can I work for you?" I was trembling as I asked, but it was my only chance. If he said yes, I could at least rely on some money for food for the remainder of my pregnancy while I made use of my sleeping bag on the streets. If he said no, I was going to sleep on the streets and spend my days on them too.
"Go home, kid." He nodded at my suitcase. "I don't know what awful thing you think your parents did to you, but they probably did it for your own sake. Enjoy having somebody look out for you and protect you for as long as you can before the world truly forces you to be all alone."
I couldn't explain what even I didn't fully understand, so I nodded as I got off the stool, but the bounce I had to make to the floor seemed to jolt my body's memory that it hadn't been sick all day, and the memory came with vengeance. I quickly ran to the side where a door had a toilet seat with a baby sitting in it pasted on it.
"Hey!" The guy yelled after me, not yet understanding why I was running away so suddenly.
I fell on my knees in the bathroom as the sickness took over, shaking my whole body. I felt the sweat sliding down my back and through my hair and the tears drop down my cheeks. The more I thought about the fact that I had to get up and leave into the unknown, the more my body panicked and leaked. I tried to stop thinking about how I had no place to go, I tried to psyche myself into believing that this was an adventurous experience, that I would find a clean street and sleep under the stars like I always wanted to, it would be like camping. I tried to focus my thoughts on that one time my family went camping and how fun it was; sitting around the fire, eating from nature, and sleeping with a thousand stars representing a thousand possibilities shining above our heads.
The memory calmed me and I slowly got up to my feet, placing my hands over my stomach as if to keep it together.
"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question. Another person had found out about my pregnancy, but I didn't have the energy to fight it or even react to it.
I ignored him and went to the sinks, washing my mouth and hands and face vigorously.
"Where are you going?" He asked with disbelief when I grabbed the handle of my suitcase and began rolling it towards the door.
"I don't know," I tried not to think about it. I was probably going to sleep right behind his café and figure out my next move later.
"Do you have any place to stay?"
I couldn't nod, but I couldn't say no when I was trying so hard to lie to myself. I kept walking towards the door.
"Just... Just stay here." He offered when I opened the door.
"What?"
"You've obviously run away and have nowhere to go," he spoke from behind me, and I could see his head lowered in the reflection of the café's glass. "There aren't any motels in this town if you're planning to look for one. There aren't any buses, either, at this time. And if you're planning on staying on the streets, there are three bars around this street alone." He approached me and freed the suitcase from my hand. "I don't think you're in any position to fight off drunken men."
"But-"
"Come on," he took my suitcase and went behind the counter, opened a door further in, and motioned for me to follow him.
I didn't really have any other choice.
The door behind the counter led to his small place. There was a kitchen, a lounge room, and a bathroom between two bedrooms; his and the one that used to be his parents' which he now offered me.
"I'm Seth, by the way,"
"Katie," if he was going to offer me a free place to stay, I could at least trust him with my name.
Maybe I should've asked more about him or about the town I was in or assured him that I wouldn't burden him for long, but as soon as I sat on the bed, I fell backwards into a deep sleep.
The next day, I woke up refreshed and was planning on thanking Seth for his hospitality, maybe get something to eat from his café, and go on my own way, but he had other plans. He was baking in the kitchen the sweets he was going to sell for the day and asked me to eat whatever I wanted before he showed me around as if I was going to be there for a while.
The kitchen led to the back of the counter where he worked all day. The door to the left led to the bathroom which he reminded me I'd already discovered on my own the night before, and the door to the right was where he kept the inventories and old stuff he didn't use anymore. He said that I could stay with him for as long as I wanted, but I couldn't just live with somebody I didn't know.
"How long are you planning on staying away from your home?" He asked me, trying to start a conversation when he realized that I hadn't said a word.
"Until I..." I had never said the word out loud before, "Until I have the baby."
"How far along are you?"
"A-around four months... I think."
He must've noticed how uncomfortable I was talking about my pregnancy, so he didn't ask any further questions.
"You can stay here until you have it and figure out what you want to do."
I decided to stay for a couple of days. I helped him around in the café until I couldn't take the smells anymore, and went out every day searching for a job or a motel or something to do, just trying to figure out what my next move was supposed to be. It was comforting to know that I had somewhere to go to and sleep whenever I felt tired, but I couldn't just stay with a strange man I didn't know just because I had nowhere else to go.
On the second day, he must've noticed that I was planning to leave or that I wasn't that comfortable around him, because he sat me down and told me his story.
He told me that a few years before, when he was eighteen or nineteen and had first come back to this town and taken over the inherited family business, he met a girl named Teresa. He was the only one she allowed to nickname her Resa and wouldn't let anybody else call her that. The moment he spoke her name, he was transformed from the small living room we were sitting in and seemed to forget that I was even there as he couldn't stop talking about her. She was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, very smart - she was hardly around without a book in her hands that she was trying to get him into, nice to everyone, and so innocent and shy he didn't know the color of her face without her flushed cheeks burning red at every compliment he gave her.
She was his most devoted client at first, and they soon began a relationship that would last for a year and a half. They quickly fell in love and got along on almost everything. They were happy in their relationship; he loved her as best as he could, and she n
ever asked for anything or pushed him for anything. They understood each other and he could see them going on like that forever, but something suddenly changed.
She canceled a couple of their dates and called in sick for about a week before he made her see him by threatening her that if she didn't meet him somewhere he was going to go straight to her house.
"You see, she came from a very strict family," he told me. "We were together for almost two years without them finding out about us. We spent most of our time here in the café or somewhere private to avoid any chances of them catching us. She told me that maybe if we waited until she finished college, they would be more open to the idea by then, and we were going to wait."
When she did come to see him, she looked very pale and sick and avoided looking him in the eyes. She remained distant and deep in her thoughts for a couple of weeks no matter how hard he tried to get her to talk. She was always on edge, almost talking and then stopping herself, which had never happened before because they'd always been so open with each other about everything. In fact, their very first conversation was him telling her about how rough things were without his parents around and her telling him about her hopes for a life of freedom away from her parents after college. She seemed constantly nervous about asking him something, and eventually she did. She came and knocked on his door at five in the morning and asked him to marry her.
At first he laughed it off, thinking that she was joking, but completely rejected the idea when he realized that she was serious. He thought that they were both too young for that kind of commitment and frankly told her that he'd never actually thought of getting married, she translated that to that he didn't want to be committed to her and that he didn't love her enough to even think of marrying her.
She ended things right there on the spot and left.
He was very confused for the first few days when she wouldn't pick up his calls or reply to his messages and it dawned on him that it wasn't a joke and that she'd truly left him. It was only a few days, but he couldn't tolerate being without her for so long, without her being a part of his life every single day. He didn't understand where the idea of marriage had come to her so suddenly, especially when she hadn't told her parents about him yet. He realized that their relationship wouldn't be that different if they did actually get married; he would still see her every day and have her around all the time and they would still talk each other to sleep like they always did. While the fact that nothing would change should've been enough for her not to want to get married so soon in her life, she apparently did, and if marriage was what she wanted, then so be it.
He went and bought her a ring. He'd been saving to enlarge the café and make it into an actual business, maybe even hire some help, but he spent that money on a ring and went to her house.
Her little sister – who was the only member in her family who knew about them – opened the door and quickly asked him about her sister.
"What do you mean she's not staying with you?" Her sister was horrified. "Where is she, then?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Mom and dad kicked her out when she told them. They disowned her and told her never to come back."
"What? Why?"
"She didn't tell you?"
It turned out Teresa had gotten pregnant. She hoped that if she at least told them she was marrying the guy, it would lessen the blow, or she would at least have a husband to live with if they kicked her out. She didn't tell him she was pregnant because she'd wanted him to marry her for love, not because he felt guilt or pity or like he had to or was tricked into it.
He searched everywhere for her and asked all her friends, even going as far as stalking some of them in hopes that they would lead him to her, but he couldn't find her anywhere. A few days later he got a call from the police to go and identify her body because her parents wouldn't. She'd died outside on the streets in the cold while he'd been warm in his café thinking about her and still trying to call her but not doing enough.
He failed her and their baby. He didn't literally say it, but I understood that he was trying to redeem what he'd done by helping me, as if he was helping her.
When he started crying at his memories, I burst into hysterical tears that he actually had to comfort me.
I felt so bad for her. Would my parents have kicked me out? I couldn't imagine them doing so, I could imagine them getting angry and yelling at me, maybe even slapping me, but not that far. I couldn't even imagine Kyle being that cruel if he knew the baby was his. But she didn't have any family and neither did her baby, she must've felt so alone and scared and tired and rejected. And to die feeling like that...
I felt so bad for him, losing an entire family he hadn't realized he had and having to live with the guilt of failing the girl who so passionately loved and trusted him and to always remember that the last time they'd talked she'd offered herself to him forever and he said no out of a fear of commitment that he would overcome in only a few days...
After that, Seth and I grew closer together. I helped him in the café as much as I could so I wouldn't feel guilty about eating his food and sleeping in his house for free, but he always sent me back to my room or told me to just watch TV and rest and take care of myself for the sake of my baby.
We became really good friends and he gave mewhat I'd been hoping to get from my friend and sister; support, understanding,respect, and a promise of privacy. And, so, I made a new plan; I would staywith him until I had my baby.
Monster
Seth and I settled into some kind of a domestic life. I helped him in the café whenever I could and he kept buying me pregnancy books and magazines and reading them with me, even reading some on his own and summarizing the most important parts for me when he realized how much I disliked reading. He told me that his life had been boring and empty before I showed up, just like mine had been before my pregnancy, almost the same day being repeated every day, and that he was enjoying the change and having someone around. He made me feel very welcome in his home that the little space started to feel like mine, too. He once asked me about my favorite food, saying that he just wanted to get to know me better, but when I woke up the next day, he'd bought them all and placed them in his kitchen for me.
I tried to cook for him a few times, thinking he could use a home-made meal because he told me that he'd been too busy to cook anything and had been living off takeout for over two years, but I only knew a couple of things and did them horribly. He said that he appreciated the effort, that no one had cooked for him since Teresa and that she was just as awful in the kitchen, but he ate the food heartily anyway.
We also talked a lot, about everything. Not a day went by without him mentioning Teresa and how much I reminded him of her in one way or the other, he once even joked that the way we were living together would've probably been how things would've been between them had he agreed to marry her and they both went on with their lives until their baby arrived.
I told him about my baby's father, my first time who turned out to be the love of my twin sister's life who wanted nothing to do with me because I was nothing but a one-night replacement. And I told him about how my sister and best friend reacted to the news and tried to justify why I ran away, but he wasn't having any of it.
"I don't think you should've run away from somewhere you were comfortable in just to spare others from feeling uncomfortable." He told me. "And you should've told your sister's boyfriend that you're pregnant. It might've changed his opinion, or it might not have, but it wouldn't leave you in this alone. You didn't get pregnant on your own, so you shouldn't have to deal with it on your own. He... He actually reminds me of myself a few years back – trying to deny problems just so that he wouldn't have to deal with them. I think he knows that what he did is wrong and feels guilty about it, but hopes that if he keeps saying it wasn't wrong he'll eventually convince himself that it wasn't."
"I don't know," I shook my head. "He seems to really care about her. And she loves him. Y
ou should see them together. They're so happy with each other and no one at school can believe that they've lasted this long together. I'm such a horrible person. Of all people, I can't believe I-"
"Hey," he interrupted me, "it wasn't your fault. You misread the situation, and he didn't help clear it up himself."
"But I-"
"Remember what you told me the other day when we were talking about Resa? You said that I didn't know any better, so I couldn't have done any better, so I should just accept what happened and move on."
"It's different with me."
"No, it's not," he insisted. "The only difference is that you're too involved and can't see the situation as clearly. You thought that they broke up for good, you thought they didn't care for each other, and you'd had your sister's permission before. You didn't know any better, Katie, so you couldn't have done any better. So just accept it and move on."
He just listed the facts that I'd given him, but hearing them from somebody else, being excused and forgiven by somebody else made me feel... excused and forgiven, like it truly wasn't my fault, at least not entirely.
"It's hard to move on with a baby."
"We all have to move on with something," he shrugged.
"But we shouldn't have to move on with other people's mistakes, I can't force my sister to move on with my mistake, I can't hurt her like that."
"You're not hurting her; you're not sleeping with her boyfriend now that you know she's actually with him, you slept with a guy you thought was her ex and who did nothing to make you suspect otherwise. When you go back, I think you should tell her the truth. Explain to her when it happened and the whole context of the night; how you were still depressed over getting dumped for not being like her, how lonely you were, how he approached you and you thought she'd already moved on to someone else. She didn't love him back then and not even you – her own twin who knew her better than anyone – saw any signs of affection from her towards him. Even the guy thought she didn't care about him. She's your sister, she'll understand. If they're really in love, they'll get over what had happened before they fell in love. If not, something else would've broken them at one point or the other. Personally, I think it would be great if you both got that confused idiot out of your lives."