by Alice Carina
So, I told her that he didn't like me and that I knew he shouldn't but I'd really wanted him to.
"What do you mean he doesn't like you?" She looked confused. "I saw the way he kissed you."
"Yeah, but he didn't come over here to kiss me." I tried to explain. "He came over to talk and it just happened, that doesn't mean that he wants it to happen again."
"Did he say that?"
"No, he hasn't mentioned it at all." I clarified my point.
"Have you?"
"Of course, not,"
"Maybe he thinks that you don't want it to happen again." She suggested. "He doesn't strike me as the type of guy who would kiss a girl and ask her out then change his mind without telling her."
"Me neither," I mumbled thoughtfully.
"You wanna know why he stuck with me from the very few times you brought him over?" She asked as she sat next to me on my bed.
"Because he's the only boy I ever brought over?"
"No," she chuckled. "You brought that Emmet kid a few times and I'm not sure I would recognize him if I saw him again."
"I wish I couldn't,"
"Chad stuck with me just by the way he looked at you," mom sighed. "It took Kyle months to look at Josslyn the way Chad always looked at you."
"How did he look at me?" I wondered hopefully.
"I'm not sure," she shrugged, "but it wasn't like the way most boys stare at girls and you can tell that they can't wait to get them alone. No, he looked like he wouldn't have minded if all of us or the whole world was there or just the two of you, he looked content to just be near you, no privacy or expectations or promises needed, just you."
Maybe it was because her words were exactly what I needed to hear or my hormones were already set on high hopes, but within minutes I could see us together again. We'd never set a date for our date, so maybe he'd meant after I'd given birth, I would have a child then, but I would be physically free to be with him without attracting any rumors or gossip or judgment.
He'd waited years to let me know how he felt, and I'd waited years to accept what we could be, we could both wait a few more months.
The second day, I woke up with a smile. I didn't have him, but the possibility of someday being with him was still my first thought.
I kept sneaking glances at him throughout the day, wondering how my mom had seen him looking at me, but I could never actually look at him while he was looking at me without thinking back to our kiss and blushing and looking away.
It was just another normal day. I was sitting in a class that I happened to share with Kyle, waiting for our teacher to walk in and start the lesson, but he never did. Another teacher dropped by to inform us that our teacher had gone home sick on too short a notice to provide a substitute, so we had a free period and asked us not to make much noise before leaving to her own class.
Everyone around me cheered and instantly a loud buzzing of chatter ensued. I kept to my desk, pulling out a pencil and deciding to go over the notes I'd been struggling with when a guy – one of Kyle's friends – called out to him loudly in a jaunty tone that had several people turning to him.
"Hey, Kyle, your party's this Saturday, right?"
"Yeah?" Kyle raised an amused eyebrow.
"Will there be board games or guessing games?" His exaggerated air captured everybody's attention.
"Um... None that I planned,"
"I have a really fun guessing game, it's called What's One Word For, it's really fun."
"How do we play What's One Word For, Flynn?" Another guy asked from the back of the class, his manner just as rehearsed.
"Like this," Flynn smiled and began walking between the desks. "What's one word for 'a very long time'?"
"Forever," his friend replied.
"Just like that," Flynn beamed. "Let's try some more. What's one word for 'a collection of papers attached together'?"
"Book!"
"What's one word for mattress and pillows?" Flynn kept moving between the desks, his eyes on me as he walked closer.
"Bed!" The same friend smirked.
Flynn paused at my desk.
"What's one word for 'a female dog'?" He asked as he leaned against my desk.
"Katie!"
The whole class erupted in laughter – Flynn, the guy who'd screamed my name, Kyle, and everyone else.
I got up from my seat, humiliating myself further by struggling to move around my desk quickly with my awkward stomach and almost tripping, making them laugh harder.
I tried to hold back my tears, but they fell the moment I stepped through the door and into the hall.
I didn't put it beyond them to follow me in pursuit of their sick humor, so I walked as speedily as my awkward steps and blurred vision allowed to the restroom.
"Katie?" I heard my sister's voice as I walked in.
I sniffed as I tried to rub my eyes, but the tears kept coming.
Josslyn was standing by the mirror and I heard the clicking of her heels as she ran towards me.
"Katie, what's wrong?"
"Ask your boyfriend," I snapped, conveying as much of my hatred towards him as I could before pushing her away and running into a stall. I didn't want to look so weak, not even in front of my sister who I blamed for her boyfriend's confidence and carelessness.
It seemed like everything was falling apart again. I felt sick and tired, I couldn't move comfortably, I couldn't keep up with everything in class, my pain was a joke to people who deserved worse, and I was alone.
I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been just hours ago wanting Chad to hold my hand and kiss me in front of everyone thinking that that would make everything better. Things would have turned to the absolute worst had he done that. The few girls who faked smiles at me whenever he was around thinking I was his pitied friend would've gone back to spreading rumors about me and trying to get me expelled had they seen me as competition, Kyle and Emmet and other guys like them would've been all over Chad's case, turning his feelings into jokes like they'd done mine, they would've accused him of being the father and blamed him for not standing up before, or they would've known that he wasn't the father and thought that he was stupid and sick for even looking at me in my condition. Everyone would've talked and the humiliation light would've shown on the both of us just as he was slowly pulling me out from under it.
I was suddenly so thankful that he'd changed his mind.
I stayed in the restroom for the remainder of the free period then washed my face and went to the next class, keeping my head low and my eyes dry.
I made it to the end of the school day without any further incidents.
I was grabbing some books from my locker at the end of the day before going to meet Chelsea in the parking lot when Kyle marched up to me, angry enough not to care who saw us together, although there was barely anyone left.
"You told Joss on me?" He demanded, hands clenched and shaking on his sides.
"What?"
"In case you weren't paying attention, I didn't say anything." He was struggling to keep his voice low. "The guys called you a female dog, not me."
"You laughed at me," I reminded him.
"So did everyone else, because it was funny, get a sense of humor."
"Get a sense of responsibility," I retorted.
"I'm not responsible for you," he stumped his foot down. "I'm not going to stand up and defend you. You did this to yourself, you deal with the consequences."
I snapped.
I don't know if it was because of his audacity to be angry with me for talking to my own sister when there was so much more I could've 'told on him', or because he felt so entitled to his freedom after taking mine away, or because of his laughter still ringing in my ears, or because of the consequences he should've been dealing with and never thanked me for sparing, or because of the way he justified himself out of every responsibility – whether getting me pregnant or joking with his friends about it, or because he was lecturing me on consequences when he'd avoided facing any, or
because I couldn't believe that this horrible, horrible boy was the father of my child and his smug face that I hated was going to haunt me in my daughter's that I already loved, or because I'd recently realized that I couldn't be with the guy I actually liked, or because my baby had decided that she wanted to be acknowledged by her dad, or because it had been a long day, or for no other reason than that I wanted him to feel as lowly as he thought of me, but I snapped, I just snapped.
"I didn't do this to myself. In case you weren't paying attention, it takes two people to make a baby. I didn't get pregnant on my own."
"Still not my fault," he shrugged neglectfully, almost turning around and walking away.
Then, I completely snapped.
I took a forceful step closer, pushed his shoulder so he was facing me again, and put a shaking finger to his chest.
"If you think I did this to myself and that my baby isn't one-hundred percent your fault, maybe you should redo some calculations."
I turned around, grabbed my books, slammed mylocker, and stepped around him, leaving him alone in the hallway with that smuglook finally slapped off his face, forever.
Date
I trembled with regret and fear as soon as I was out of the hall.
What had I done?
I didn't want him to know. If he knew then he would have to tell Josslyn and she would tell our parents and soon enough everybody would know. I didn't want anybody to know. Why did I have to open my mouth? Why couldn't I have just let him take his anger out on me and taken it with silence and tears like I always did?
Chelsea kept trying to engage me in a conversation about a new cute guy working at the mall as she drove me home, but I couldn't think of anything as the fear consumed me.
What had I done?
Later that afternoon, Josslyn knocked on my door and walked into my room, her hand in Kyle's as she dragged him forward.
I nearly passed out.
I thought that he'd already done his calculations, figured everything out, told her, and they were going to demand that I say the words out loud or a paternity test for them to believe.
"Kyle, don't you have something to say to Katie?" She smiled over at her boyfriend who rolled his eyes before dropping them to the floor.
"I'm sorry," he didn't look at me.
"See," she beamed, wrapping her arms around his waist. "That wasn't so hard."
She'd brought him over to apologize for laughing at me in class and then they both left. That was it. Kyle didn't look me in the eyes again, but he didn't stop coming over almost every day. He didn't try to talk to me or ask me or say anything.
I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or furious.
I told him to redo his calculations and that my pregnancy was one-hundred percent his fault and he still didn't get it. How careless could he be? I wondered if I walked up to him and spelled the words out loud and told him that I was pregnant with his daughter if he would've just shrugged and kept going on with his life as normally as ever.
I decided that if our baby wasn't worth him taking one minute to just ask about, then he wasn't worth stressing over or even thinking about, not for a second.
I turned my attention to my studies, knowing that I would need a good job in the future to give my daughter a good life to compensate for her father's inexistence.
"Are you done?" Chad asked me.
We were just friends and, as my friend, he was helping me catch up with my classes.
"I think so," there wasn't more that I could do.
"What did you get?"
"52?"
He blinked at me then looked down at his own work.
"Uh... It's supposed to be 4. Let me look at that," he reached out for my notebook and I dropped my head over my arms on the table with helplessness.
"I'm gonna fail," my voice came out whinier than I'd intended and I was thankful my face was hidden in my arms.
"No, you're not," he assured me. "Come on," he touched my arm and I snapped up straight, "we'll just go over it again," he smiled at me.
He flipped his book back a few pages and started going over his notes again, his tone patient and assuring, his hair so soft and shiny, his face so handsome, his eyes kind and intelligent, his lips so...
"Katie?" He repeated a few times.
"Yeah?" I startled in my seat.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I looked away, my cheeks burning. "Just dozed off a bit,"
He didn't say anything, and when I turned to look at him, I found him looking at me with a smile.
"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.
"Nothing," he chuckled, "you're just so cute."
Then, he leaned forward and kissed me.
I nearly fell onto him, but quickly recalled where we were and pulled away, looking around with wide eyes.
We were at the school library. It was after school hours, but there were still a few students here and there working on their homework or reading books. Luckily, those who were still there were too busy with their work to be looking around.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, "I wasn't supposed to do that until our date tomorrow."
"We're going on a date tomorrow?" I blinked back.
"Yeah," he hesitated, "you didn't change your mind, did you?"
"No," I quickly shook my head, "I thought you did."
"Why would you think that?"
"Um... Well, I-I mean you didn't say anything..."
"No, I just wanted..." He took my hand into his. "I want our first date to be special, something you'll always remember. And it can't be so until tomorrow."
"Why tomorrow?"
"You'll have to go out with me to find out." He winked.
The next day was the day of Kyle's 'biggest party ever' for Josslyn. She walked into my room and asked for my opinion on her outfit and promised me that Kyle would love it if I went, but I told her I had a lot of studying to do.
Shortly after she left, Chad texted me that he was on his way. I asked him to park at the end of the block so that my dad wouldn't see him if he chanced to be around any windows. He told me that he wouldn't mind meeting my parents and explaining to them that he really liked me, but I knew my dad and everything related to me easily angered him.
I went down the stairs and saw my parents sitting in the living room. Dad had several papers in front of him, but he paused when I came down, took a long look at me, then looked over at my mother.
"Where are you going?" She asked on cue.
"Chelsea's," I lied. "She's helping me with some school work."
"No books," my dad mumbled as he turned back to his papers, either for me to hear or for mom to re-ask.
"She has the same books, there's no need for me to carry them."
"Want me to drive you?" Mom asked, clearly not believing me and wanting to talk to me out of dad's earshot.
"No, it's fine," I didn't want mom to meet Chad either, not yet. "Patty says walking's really good for me."
I walked as quickly as I could down the street to where Chad's car was hidden from our house. It wasn't till I saw him that I realized how nervous I actually was. I couldn't remember actually going out on a date with Emmet. He'd asked me out in school, I said yes, then he ran into me and my sister at the mall that same day and sat down with us. I hadn't known it was a date until he offered to drive us home, told me that he'd had a nice 'date', kissed me suddenly and quickly then drove away.
Chad was different.
I'd wanted this for a very long time and I'd given up on it just the day before. A lot was riding on our date. It was supposed to be the 'figure-our-kiss-out' date, but I had no idea how we were supposed to figure it out or where.
He was waiting for me outside the car so that he could open the passenger door for me and, I don't why – pregnancy hormones were probably to blame, but I got a little teary when he did that. No one had ever opened the door for me before. Emmet used to sometimes lock it and convince me that I was somehow pulling it wrong as a joke that only he foun
d humor in.
Chad seemed just as nervous as he drove. He tried to start a conversation a few times but seemed to lose his thoughts after the first few vague words, so we both remained silent until he parked near the beach.
Maybe that was a bad idea. Maybe we were better off liking each other in secret without doing anything about it. What could we do about it? I was pregnant with another guy's baby and he was... he was everything I'd ever wanted and knew I didn't deserve.
I was pregnant. I didn't deserve to go out on dates with other guys, I didn't deserve to be asked out on dates, I didn't deserve someone who was nice and kind and wanted to take me out on my first real date, I didn't deserve to be liked, not after what I'd done, not by someone like him, maybe by someone mean and abusive at best as punishment for my moral crime. That I deserved. I got pregnant by my sister's boyfriend who I didn't even like then proceeded to lie to her and everyone else about it. I deserved my sister and friends being ashamed of me, I deserved my father's suspicions, I deserved being bullied – I shouldn't even have called it bullying; it was fair compensation for what I'd done.
My thoughts were running with me down a very dark path that I didn't even notice Chad getting out and opening my door for me until he called out my name.
My eyes snapped up to his for a moment but I quickly lowered them; I didn't want him to read my thoughts through my eyes and realize that this was a big mistake, because I wanted my first real date. Even though I knew I didn't deserve it, I really wanted it. Just in case it never happened again and I did end up with someone cruel or no one at all, I wanted at least one good memory to look back on of what could've been, of what could someday be, of something nice and true and possible if I'd only done something to deserve it, or at least didn't do something not to.
I stepped out and he closed the door behind me, readjusting his backpack on his shoulder before hesitantly taking my hand in his. He could've simply asked me to follow him and I would've, but I liked the fact that he chose to hold my hand instead. He squeezed my hand a bit tighter as he began to walk and, just like that, my mind turned one-hundred and eighty degrees into giddiness that I had to keep myself from giggling and luckily my pregnancy kept me from skipping beside him.