by Alice Carina
"Because I- Katie!" He saw me getting in the car.
"Go, go, please," I begged the driver and he stepped on the pedal.
I saw Chad moving around his mother to get to me, and I saw her holding onto him, and I held onto my baby until I got home.
Chad kept calling me the entire afternoon and, when I didn't answer, he resorted to texting.
Katie, Please, just pick up.
We need to talk.
There's something I have to tell you.
I thought we agreed that it didn't matter what anybody else thought about us.
Please answer or call me back.
I talked to my mom.
She's not angry anymore, she just needs sometime, she'll understand.
Katie?
What had I been thinking? Where did I expect us to go after high school? He was going to go off to some far away university and I was going to stay with my baby. Even if I could improve my grades in the year I had left, I couldn't move far away from my baby and I couldn't move with her on my own. We were bound to end like all high school couples did, like I'd expected Josslyn and Kyle to do at their own time.
His mother was right, we were too young to make these calls and, when they ended, they were going to hurt more because of all the situations we'd been through together and that nobody else could say they had.
Even if we somehow made it through separate universities and separate lives, what did I expect after that? That he would want me forever and marry me and become a father to a baby he had no duty or responsibility or love for? And then what? We'll have our own kids and he'll treat my baby the same as them?
We were kids. We couldn't make these promises because we weren't meant to keep them. I was meant to be a mother and hope that my taking care of my baby would someday make up for my bringing her into the world, and he was meant to live a different life, a life of fun and joy and dating and happiness and freedom like his mother had sacrificed so much for him to have. I wasn't ready to be a mom, but I had an obligation to be. He wasn't ready to be a dad, and he could never be one to somebody else's child.
What if we dragged on for years but eventually called it off, how would I explain that to my baby that the man I'd let her get attached to had every right to leave and no liability to stay?
How had I even thought that we could make it in the first place? How could I have been so selfish? How could I have been so stupid?
I had a crush on him since the day I saw him. I liked him, more than I'd ever liked anyone, but I couldn't have him, I liked him too much to destroy him. Maybe I'd deserved him before, when I was just as nice and good and free, but not anymore, not after what I'd done. I deserved the limited, burdened life I'd limited myself to and burdened myself with, but he didn't.
We had to end now, as soon as possible, before I got too dependent on him, before he got too used to me, before we got too attached to each other.
He kept calling and texting, but I couldn't end it then. I decided to talk to him the next day and end it face to face; he deserved a proper apology at the very least. I would tell him how much I liked him, and how it was all my fault, and how his mother was right. I would stand my ground, I wouldn't cave to his eyes or smile or words or warmth. We had to end, for him...
When it got dark and I still hadn't answered, he sent a text that scared me almost as much as losing him;
I'm coming over.
I quickly called him.
"Katie?"
"You can't come here," I rushed. "My dad will kill me, and you, he's been out of his mind lately I wouldn't put it beyond him."
He was silent for a moment before insisting; "I need to see you,"
"You'll see me tomorrow at school."
"No, Katie, I need to see you tonight. I need to talk to you."
"I need to talk to you, too," I sighed. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"No, now," he spoke firmly. "I'm already under your window."
"What?!" I screeched and looked outside. I found him standing near the tree that went up to my window's height but didn't reach it.
"I'm coming up, he won't see me." He hung up and began climbing the tree.
"No, no, no," I half yelled half whispered, looking behind me at my door and down at him climbing a tree even Josslyn never tried sneaking out by.
He made it to the branch that was close to my window, but not close enough.
"You'll fall," he was close enough to hear me without me having to yell. "Please, just go down and we'll talk tomorrow, or we'll talk on the phone right now if you want, just please don't do this."
He ignored me as he stepped one foot in front of the other along the thin branch. It shook under his weight and I found myself crying with fear.
"I have to jump," the end of the branch was more than a meter away from my window.
"No, no, no, please just go back."
"I'm jumping, so just move back a bit,"
"No,"
"Katie, I'm jumping on three," he told me. "You either move or I jump and we both fall. One,"
"No,"
"Two,"
"Don't,"
"Three,"
I quickly shifted my weight to the side and shut my eyes as he jumped through the window and fell on my floor.
"Oh, my God," I sobbed, "are you okay?" I dropped to my knees next to him.
"Yeah, that was harder than I thought," he chuckled and I threw myself at him. "Hey, I'm okay, don't cry."
"Do you have any idea how scary that was?" I slapped his chest. "What would you do if I decided to jump out the window right now?"
"Okay, okay," he held me tighter, "I'm sorry."
I got up and quickly locked my door in case someone walked in, not that anyone had been visiting my room lately.
"What are you doing here? We could get in so much trouble."
"I had to talk to you," he stood up.
"I have to talk to you too, but it can wait till tomorrow." I couldn't end it right then, not after he almost jumped to his death – or at least a broken bone - to see me.
"I can't, not after the way my mom talked to you today,"
"She was right, Chad, and we both know it." I sighed.
"No, she wasn't, what are you talking about?"
"You don't understand this," I shook my head, not knowing what to say or how to say it.
"Explain it to me,"
"I get her, okay? I'm a mom, too. I might not have held my baby yet, but I've felt her and I love her and I would do anything for her. I love her. I'm her mother."
"I know that,"
"No, you don't," I shook my head again. "You don't understand what it's like to willingly destroy your life just so that someone else you don't even know yet can make a better life out of the wreckage, a life that you might not even be in."
"I-"
"Your mom did that for you, Chad," I interrupted him. "She destroyed her life and now she's watching you destroy both hers and yours for someone else's mistakes. I love my baby, I never want her to go through what I'm going through, I never want her to go through anything bad, I would rather go through what I am a hundred times over than for her to experience any of it for a day. You don't understand what that feels like, but I do, and so does your mother. She deserves better from you than introducing her to a random girl who's pregnant by another random guy's baby."
"You're not a random girl, Katie," he held on to my shoulders to stop me from pacing. "And my mom said herself today that all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. I'm happy with you. I can't be without you."
"Yes, you can and you will be."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"We need to breakup, Chad."
"Katie-"
"You think you're happy with me right now, but you're not." I tried to hold my tears back and my body trembled under his gaze. "I've seen happiness," I'd seen it between Kyle and Josslyn, and Bernetta and Chelsea and their boyfriends. Our relationship wasn't happiness. "A relationship shouldn't be so dramatic and
painful, you should be free and I shouldn't feel this guilty."
"This is just a phase."
"No, it's not," I tried to move away from him but he wouldn't let me. "This is a step stone into an even more difficult life. Nothing will go away with my pregnancy; there's a baby coming from it who will be my whole life, but she shouldn't even be a part of yours."
"She's your baby, so she already is."
"Why are you doing this?" I pushed myself away with enough force to step back from him. "Why are you making this so much harder than it already is?" I cried. "You think I want to let you go? You think I want to do this alone? I don't, but I have to. You deserve better, you deserve what your mom sacrificed her life for you to have."
"She didn't sacrifice her life," he took a deep breath. "She's in love with my dad, and my dad's in love with her, and they always used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to them, that I brought them closer together and that they wouldn't have had their lives and so much love if it weren't for me. My parents made some sacrifices to have the life they now both share together in love. Sure, I was unexpected and things didn't happen in the most conventional of ways, but they're in love and they're a family, that's more than what many people can say."
"It's more than what we'll ever be able to say, we're not a family Chad."
"We could be someday," he shrugged and looked away.
I wish we could be. I wish I'd waited so that we could be. I wish I deserved being a part of your family.
"No, we can't be. I won't let you do this."
"Do you like me, Katie?"
"What?"
"Do you like me? Do you like it when we're together?" He looked at me with so much doubt in his eyes that I had to move closer to him.
"Of course, I do," I took his hands in mine. "If I liked you less, I wouldn't have been able to let you go."
"I'm not going," he pulled me even closer.
"You ha-"
"My parents just want me to be happy, I just want to be happy, and if you really like me you'd want me to be happy, too."
"I do,"
"Then stay with me,"
"I can't... You can't..." I sniffed. "You're not happy with me. There's nothing going on with us to be happy about." I reminded him.
"I'm happier than I'd ever been just because I'm with you," he kissed my cheek and I nearly caved.
"Why are you doing this?" I looked up at him through my tears. "You deserve better and you can have better, why would you throw that away? Why do you want to be with me in my mess? Why are you ruining your life for me? Why wo-?"
"Because you are my life," he interrupted me, "because I'm in love with you."
I would've fallen if it hadn't been for his arms around me.
I couldn't respond. I couldn't breathe.
"I love that even though you're going through the most changing thing in life, you're still the same person. I love that at a time when people should be looking out for you, you're still looking out for everybody else. I love that you don't make up excuses for yourself and admit your problems and face them with so much strength and constancy."
He moved his hands to my face and whipped away my tears.
"I love it when you come to me with problems you wouldn't trust anyone else to know about. You make me feel needed, important, like I'm actually helping you even when I can't. I love it when you smile at me and my heart almost explodes. I love it when you kiss me and I forget about everything around me and I can't feel anything else. I can't stop thinking about you, and I love that. I love you, Katie. I love everything about you. I'm in love with you."
I couldn't respond. I couldn't breathe.
So, I kissed him instead.
Maybe I was already too dependent on him.Maybe he was already too used to me. Maybe we were already too attached to eachother. Maybe we were wrong together, but it felt so good, so right, that maybe,just maybe, it wasn't that wrong.
Party
It became nearly impossible to be away from him. I just wanted to be close to him all the time. I wanted to hold his hand down the hallways, sit too close to him in the cafeteria, hug him every time I saw him between classes, and kiss him every time we had to part.
A part of me wanted to forget about everybody else and their judgment and just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted with my boyfriend who loved me, but I didn't want their fading attention back on me, or on him, and I didn't want to hurt my sister further by having someone to love when I'd taken hers away. So, I settled on just holding him tighter whenever I could and missing him more when I couldn't.
"I thought you guys didn't want anyone else to know about you," Chelsea raised an eyebrow as she placed her tray next to us.
"We don't," I told her.
"Well, if you move any closer to him you'll be sitting on his lap and I think that would be a give-away."
I quickly slid away in mortification while Chelsea and Chad laughed at me.
"There's something different about you guys," Chelsea commented as she walked with me to class.
"What do you mean?"
"You seem... closer," she decided, "Like you're not just dating anymore. You seem in love." My face reddened at her words and she quickly stopped me from taking another step. "Are you?"
"I... Um... Well, I-he he told me he's in love with me."
"What?!" She screeched, attracting some attention. I lowered my head against their eyes and resumed walking to class. "What did you do? What did you do?" She almost jumped next to me.
"Nothing," I sighed. "What was I supposed to do?"
"No, I mean did you say it back? Did you guys get secretly married?"
"Of course not,"
"I'm hoping that's your answer for the second question only." She glared and I looked straight ahead. "You didn't say it back?" I didn't look at her. "How could you not say it back? You've been waiting for him to say it for almost four years, how could you not say it back?"
"I don't know, I panicked. I would've probably asked him to marry me had I tried to say anything, so it seemed safer not to."
"What about later?" She pressed. "What about the next day? What about the next time you talked to him and realized that you could actually talk?"
"I couldn't find the right opportunity."
"The right...?" She trailed off in shock. "Are you kidding me? He told you that he loves you, what better opportunity is there?"
"He never said it again," I lowered my head, not wanting her to see just how much that bothered me.
"Well if he didn't get a response the first time he said it, of course he's not going to keep saying it."
We made it to our seats and the conversation ended, but not my thoughts about it.
It wasn't that I didn't want to say it back, I did. I'd never felt that way about anyone before and I knew that I never could. Nobody could do what he did, nobody could take his place, and he deserved to know that. I wanted him to say it again so that I would instantly say it back, but he didn't and, of course, my depressing pregnancy hormones ran away with my mind into dark places.
What if he hadn't meant it? What if he just wanted us to stay together for now? What if he was just being nice and knew that I needed someone – anyone – to say those words? What if he stopped loving me in a few years, or the very next day? And, of course, when he didn't say it the next day or the day after that, my mind was convinced that it wasn't true. But my heart trusted him and I couldn't stop hearing the words in my ears. They were true, they really were, I knew it.
I didn't want Chelsea to restart her very rational argument after class, so I started a new conversation.
"How did your date go?" Hot-mall-guy had finally said yes and Chelsea hadn't been able to stop talking about him since until she noticed 'something different' about me and Chad.
"Oh, my God," her grin was wider than I'd ever seen it. "It was perfect, Katie, just perfect. He was a bit hesitant – I think it's because I'm not eighteen yet and he can't get over that, but it
was perfect."
Hot-mall-guy was apparently older-hot-mall-guy. At first, he tried turning Chelsea down by using her age as an excuse. She told him that she was mature for her age and almost eighteen anyways, and reminded him that he was only a few years older and looked younger so it wasn't that big of a deal. No one could ever really say no to Chelsea.
"I think it's actually better this way," she said thoughtfully. "He didn't pressure me or ask for anything. I was the one who held his hand, I had to keep moving closer to him. It was sort of refreshing; being in control of what was happening and knowing that he wouldn't let much happen. It felt safe. I don't know," she shrugged, "but he was so nice and sweet and polite and he's got this mystery thing going on for him. He told me that he had a dark past he was trying to get over, but you know I don't care about people's pasts. In the present he's nice and interesting and gentle and hot and that's all that matters to me."
"I bet he thought it was hilarious when you told him you'd made up an imaginary party for his sake." I chuckled.
"About that...." She hesitated.
"You didn't tell him?" I blinked at her. "I thought that was the whole point of the date."
"But the date went so well," she said in a whining voice. "It could be the start of an amazing relationship; I don't want our relationship to be built on a lie."
"So, what are you going to do?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm throwing a party."
*
She actually did it.
Chelsea's parents agreed to let her have a party as long as it was out of her own allowance. A part of her had clearly been hoping that they'd refuse because she panicked when they didn't, but she managed to pull it off. She bought the cheapest snacks, the simplest decorations, and invited the least intimidating people who seemed to hate the idea of going to a party as much as their host hated having it, but no one ever said no to Chelsea, not even her parents apparently.
"You two are coming, right?" She asked me and Chad the day before her party.
"Yeah, sure, I'll also tell my dad that I'm pregnant with twins and each one belongs to a different father." I replied sarcastically.
"I took care of your dad," she smiled.
"You killed my dad so he wouldn't kill me?"