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TARIFF REFORM
If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them,there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for thearrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battlesfor peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table givesabundant opportunity for the "interruption politic." When theargument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum isdelivered, a boiled potato may still avert war: "Now, me lud, I askyou finally, will your government, or won't it? That is thequestion," and from the opposing diplomat come the words, "Begpardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pass me the salt? Thanks!Don't you think the butter is a little strong?" and war is averted.Postponed, at least.
Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who's rightand who's wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timelyejaculations of: "Oh, I did wipe that cup!" or interpolatedquestions, as: "Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?" A wise manwho finds himself cornered can always drop one of the blown-glasstumblers on the floor--they only cost five cents--or ask,innocently: "Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?" Bya judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr.and Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understandingand forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly rightin hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it wasintended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding,and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged thesecret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the rightthing when he did the same, and for the same reason; but they bothagreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in thematter of smuggling.
"I know Billy," said Mr. Fenelby, "and I know him well. I won't sayanything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggleanything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one,and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and heimmediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don't saythis to excuse him. I just say it."
"Well, you know how women are," said Mrs. Fenelby. "As sure as youget two or three women who have been abroad into a group they willbegin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when theycame through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling partbetter than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could youexpect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smugglethings through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one thatsmuggles the most is the winner. I don't say this to excuse her. Butit is so."
"I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is," saidMr. Fenelby, between plates; "but if you wish I will apologize toKitty, although I don't see why I should. The thing I am worryingabout is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a goodway to raise money--if anyone ever pays the tariff duties--but Idon't feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I putmoney in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I havebrought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. Andthe more I put in the more guilty I feel."
"Of course it is all for his education fund," said Mrs. Fenelby.
"I know it," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what makes me feel sosmall and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. duty.Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that everlived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fundvoluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him andhad to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he wasnothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of givingjoyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to havelaws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have topay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn't treatingBobberts in the right spirit. If he could understand he would behurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to becompelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatorychild or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular,and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid ofis that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we areinjuring him. I don't mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to befair and square with Bobberts. He's the only child we have, Laura."
"Oh, Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dishwater; "do you think we have gone too far to make it all rightagain? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it,or--or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgivemyself!"
"I hope we haven't," said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; "but we must nottake any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quitehardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether."
"We will stop this tariff right this very minute!" cried Mrs.Fenelby joyously. "I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!"
Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby's face lost itsradiance and became questioningly fear-struck.
"What is it?" she asked, anxiously. "Can't we stop? Must we keep onwith it forever and forever?"
"You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts," said Mr.Fenelby. "The tariff law was passed by the congress, and it can onlybe repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present."
Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her apron.
"I hate to waken Bobberts," she said, "but I will! I'd do anythingto have that tariff unpassed again."
Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her arm, restraining her as she wasabout to rush from the kitchen.
"Wait, Laura!" he said. "You forget that you and I are not the onlyStates now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would notform a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy."
"Tom," she said, "I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag themin by main force!" and she went to find them. Ten minutes later shereturned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, andwas hanging the dish-pan on its nail.
The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in thehouse, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There wasnothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late whenKitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired ofsitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy didnot seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon wasbeautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts hadbeen put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with theirold-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of theFenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed isgreater than the peace that comes from paying a tax honestly. Thereis no fun in paying taxes. Not the least.
"I think, Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife hadlistened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes,"you had better go out and tell them to come in."
Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she wentout--which was only fair--and she heard the low whispers change tolouder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not,evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposedin the hammock when she reached them.
"Hello!" she said pleasantly, "Won't you come in? We are going tovote on the tariff."
"Go ahead and vote," said Billy cheerfully. "We won't interfere."
"But we can't vote until you come in," explained Mrs. Fenelby. "Wehaven't a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can't doanything until you come in."
"Did you try?" asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. "We don'twant to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bringyour congress out here."
"Billy, I would if I could," said Mrs. Fenelby, "but I can't!Bobberts has to be present, and he can't be brought out into thenight air."
Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair wasin order.
"Come on, Billy," she said. "Be accommodating," and they went in.
It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs.Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in herarms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called.
"It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonse
nse," heexplained. "You and Kitty have seen how it works--everybody in thehouse mad at one another--"
"Not Billy and I," interposed Kitty. "Are we Billy?"
"Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are," said Billy. "Wemust give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours."
"Very well," said Kitty; "we are all angry! Let us quarrel!"
"Seriously, now," said Mr. Fenelby, very seriously indeed, "this hasgot to stop! You and Kitty may think it is all a joke, but Laura andI went into this thing before you came, and we meant it seriously.We went into it in parliamentary form, and in good faith. Now we seeit was all a mistake and we want to do away with it. If you willjust take it seriously for five minutes--if you can be sensible thatlong--we will not trouble you with it any more. Laura, awakenBobberts!"
Mrs. Fenelby awakened the Territory by gently kissing him on hiseyes, and he opened them and blinked sleepily at the ceiling.
"Congress is in session," said Mr. Fenelby. "And Laura moves thatthe Fenelby Domestic Tariff be repealed and annulled. I second it.All in favor of the motion say--"
"Stop!" exclaimed Billy, rising from his chair. "I object to this!Kitty and I did not come in here to have such an important motionrushed through without consideration. It is not parliamentary. Iwant to make a speech."
"Oh, don't!" pleaded Mrs. Fenelby. "Think how late it is, Billy."
"Mr. President and Ladies of Congress," said Billy unrelentingly;"we are asked to repeal our tariff laws, our beneficent laws,enacted to send Bobberts to college. We stand in the presence of twocruel parents who would take away from their only Territory its solechance--as we were informed--of securing an education. We are askedto do this merely because there has been some slight difficulty incollecting the tariff tax. I am ashamed to be a State in acommonwealth that can put forward such an excuse. I care not whatothers may do, but as for me I shall never cast my vote to rob thatpoor innocent," he pointed feelingly toward Bobberts, "to rob him ofhis future happiness! Never. You won't either, will you, Kitty?"
"I should think not!" exclaimed Kitty. "Poor little Bobberts!"
Mr. Fenelby moved the papers on his desk nervously. He was temptedto say something about smuggling, but he controlled himself, for itwould not do to antagonize one-half of congress. He felt that Kittyand Billy had been planning some great feats of smuggling, and thatthey had no desire to have their fun spoiled by the repeal of thetariff. Probably no smugglers are free traders at heart--free tradewould ruin their business.
He put the motion, and the vote was what he had expected--two forand two against the motion. It was not carried. For a few minutesall sat in silence, the air tingling with suppressed irritability. Aword would have condensed it into cruel speech. It was Billy whobroke the spell.
"I'm going out to smoke another duty-paid cigar before I turn in,"he said. "Do you want to have a turn on the porch, Kitty?"
"I think not. I'm tired. I'll go up, I think," said Kitty, and theyleft the room together.
Mr. Fenelby gathered his papers and his book together and pushedthem wearily into the desk. Then he dropped into a chair and lookedsadly at the floor.
"Tom," said Laura, "can't we stop the tariff anyway?"
"Oh, no!" said her husband disconsolately. "We can't do anything.We've got to go ahead with the foolishness until Kitty and Billy go.They would laugh at us and crow over us all their lives if wedidn't. Especially after the fool I have made of myself with thisvoting nonsense," he added bitterly.
Mrs. Fenelby sighed.
The Cheerful Smugglers Page 10