by Lila Dubois
The only person who’d ever truly seen him was…
Roberto.
“I do believe I felt genuine love for Roberto, and he for me. We both said the words, and for my part, I meant them sincerely.”
Selene smiled. “I’m beginning to believe it’s not in you to lie easily, Luca.”
“You’re wrong. I have told many lies to many people.”
Selene was not deterred. “People who didn’t have your trust, who were unworthy of the truth. I suspect you are a loyal friend.”
“What happened with Roberto, Luca?” Oscar prodded.
“We knew Bellator Dei frowned on our…kind of love. Knew that we would be punished if discovered. But we were young and, well, a young man’s body wants what it wants. We were each other’s firsts, and that can be a very powerful thing. Our hunger for each other made us less careful than we should have been.”
“You were caught together?” Selene asked.
Luca nodded. “The technical institute was just one building and part of a small campus that also included the Bellator Dei headquarters, as well as a small chapel. There were dormitories on the lower floors of headquarters, the offices on the upper floors and off-limits to students. A numerary caught Roberto and me in my room together one afternoon. He’d had suspicions about our relationship, so he followed us back to the dormitory, waited long enough to,” Luca swallowed heavily, “catch us in the act.”
“What did he do?”
“He called for another numerary.”
“Wait, what the fuck is a numerary again?” Oscar asked.
“A celibate member who lives to serve the Bellator Dei. They lived there too and served the Prelate—the leader.”
“You don’t have to tell us any more if you don’t want to,” Selene said softly. “If it’s too painful.”
But he did want to tell them. He’d remained silent about that time in his life for so long.
He was living on borrowed time. Of that he was certain, and it hurt him to think so much of his life would be lost forever, never shared, never known. He was tired of being invisible.
There was something about Oscar and Selene that told him his secrets would be safe with them. More than that, he felt as if they’d even understand.
“Roberto and I were not allowed to dress. Instead, we were dragged naked across the campus in full view of our classmates to the chapel, where we were told we would confess our sins and have our bodies purged of Satan’s influence.”
Luca had been focused on the floor as he spoke, but Selene’s soft intake of breath, the horror behind it, had him lifting his eyes to hers.
“Luca,” she whispered.
He gave her a sad smile he hoped would comfort her. “It was a very long time ago, tesoro.”
“How bad was it?” Oscar asked.
Luca glanced in his direction. “It was bad. We were placed in cells beneath the chapel across from each other. They said mortificazione would cleanse us.” He had to think about it for a minute to translate a word, a term that for him held such horror and fear, it seemed impossible to translate. “The mortification of the flesh.”
“A fucked-up term for beating a kid,” Oscar growled.
“They ordered us to cleanse ourselves—beat ourselves.” Luca nodded toward Oscar in acknowledgement of the term. “When we would not, I was forced to watch as they beat Roberto with a flail. He was forced to do the same when they used the whip on me. Through it all, we were made to repeat the rosary. All seasons. Over and over. Every few hours, a numerary would come down to our cells and ask if we were ready to make amends with God. The numerary assistants—women—would come and beg us, plead with us, because they feared for our souls. They cared for our wounds, which was not the mercy we thought at first. They took away the pain so that it was fresh again the next day.
“Roberto repented on the third day. He picked up the whip they offered and used it on himself. Before he passed out, from pain or blood loss, he forsook me, and swore before God that he would never look at another man with lust in his heart.”
“Did you do the same?” Selene asked gently.
Luca’s lips tipped up in a grin. “Lust is not my greatest sin. Pride is. I remained in that cell for another week, beaten each day, forced to repeat the rosary on my knees for hours. They came every day to offer me the flail. Demanding my repentance. I would not give it, and would not beat myself, so they did it for me.”
Oscar’s expression was half horror, half respect when he asked, “How did you get out?”
“In the end, it was my sister, Joli. She’d pleaded, begged, cried to our adopted parents, until at last they intervened—I would like to say they did so on my behalf, but the truth was my actions reflected poorly on them. Something they would not stand for. So, they assured the Prelate that our family would devote itself to prayer and mortification of the flesh.”
“And did they?” Selene asked.
“They did. I was sent home from school, where Signore Campisi continued the beatings and they slowly starved me. That lasted another week. Until…it was Signora Campisi who figured out what my Achilles’ heel was. She was the one who discovered how to break me.”
Oscar stood up and walked to the front window, tension in every step. “Your sister. They threatened Joli, didn’t they?”
Luca nodded. “She was twelve at the time. Joli was—is—truly brilliant. I believe your word is genius. The Bellator Dei had taken notice of this and hired tutors for her, claiming her calling was different from that of the other young girls in our congregation, who were expected to marry and have lots of children who would be raised in the faith.”
“They planned to use her for something else?” Selene asked.
“A mind like hers, well…the Bellator Dei believed she was a gift from God, sent to help them in their battle against the Masters’ Admiralty. She reminds me a great deal of you,” he added, looking at Selene. “Signore and Signora Campisi threatened to end her schooling, to wed her to a ‘good and faithful’ man. Signore Esposito. He was nearly fifty at the time and everyone knew of his predilections, his preference for young girls.”
Oscar slammed the side of his fist against the wall. “Jesus.”
“I turned the whip on myself, confessed my sin, and repented. The beatings stopped after that. Eventually, I was sent back to the institute.”
Luca bowed his head as shame washed through him. He’d put that time away, locked it tightly in a box he never opened.
Selene stood up and walked over to him, kneeling before Luca and taking his hands in hers. There was a strength in her grip that revived him.
“You did nothing wrong.”
Luca knew that, deep down inside, he knew it, but…
“Knowledge is often cast in shadows, obscured by the blinding light of emotions.” Luca had been told a million different ways—through words, scripture, fists—that for him to love a man was a sin. And if he had only been told in those ways, he would have remained strong, would have held on to his convictions that he was right and they were wrong.
“What happened to Roberto?”
Luca glanced up. Leave it to Oscar to see there was more.
“He had returned to the school as well. He never spoke to me again.” Roberto hadn’t needed to speak. The hatred, the disgust, the pure, unveiled disdain in his eyes as he’d looked at Luca had said it all.
And that was when Luca had suffered his first—and only—broken heart, and the shame of his actions had been born.
Luca cleared his throat and said the rest. “Six months after…after us…Roberto married a girl from our order and became a supernumerary. He works as a builder, devotes himself to supporting the Bellator Dei and his family. They have three children now. He chose his path, just as I have chosen mine.”
“You chose to be adopted by a bunch of religious freaks and forced to design bombs?” Oscar’s voice boomed in the stillness of the room. The snow outside had muted every sound until all that was left wer
e the subtle noises from inside—the occasional crack of the fire in the stove, the ticking of the cuckoo clock, and their voices.
“My feet may have been placed on this path—”
“Slammed on it is more like it.”
Luca grinned once more at Oscar’s passion. While he suspected some may have found his anger, his aggression off-putting, Luca was drawn to it like a moth to flame. Perhaps because he found it so difficult to express his own feelings. He was envious of the man’s ability to show what was in his heart.
“What I am trying to say is I have made very conscious decisions in the past few years, decisions that were necessary. Even though I am aware they will lead to my death. Either at the hands of the Bellator Dei or the Masters’ Admiralty.”
“What?” Selene dropped Luca’s hands and stood quickly. “What are you talking about?”
“I have betrayed the Bellator Dei. They will learn of my subterfuge eventually. I was granted mercy when I was a boy, but—”
“You call that mercy?” Selene cried.
Luca ignored her outburst even though it warmed him to see and hear her outright anger on his behalf. “The Bellator Dei is but one enemy. You saw those men the other night. They were willing to do anything to get the designs. And once they had, my life would have been forfeit.”
Selene was shaking her head.
“And then there is your society. The Masters’ Admiralty. Do you think they will forgive me for what I did to Ms. Edwards? To Boston? I am their—your—enemy.”
Oscar crossed back to them, standing next to Selene. “We can explain it to the Masters’ Admiralty. We can make them see you had no choice.”
“You have kind hearts. Understanding. Compassionate. Not all will feel that I am deserving of the forgiveness you have granted, even if my bomb does not work. Your brother, for one.”
Oscar waved that concern away with the flick of his wrist. “Langston’s a dipshit. I’ll make him understand.”
“I do not understand dipshit.”
Oscar barked out a laugh. “It means my brother is an idiot.”
Luca’s eyes widened. “Ah. A sibling term of endearment. I have the same for Joli. She is my piccola pulce.”
“I recognize the word little, but not the other?” Selene said.
Luca grinned. “It means little flea. She is forever buzzing in my ear.”
His smile faded slowly. It had been several months since he had seen his sister, and while logically he knew she was safe, the overprotective brother in him longed to fly to Italy and steal her away from the tiny apartment she lived in, to drag her away from the people who would do her harm.
Selene reached out and touched his forearm. “Your sister will be okay.”
He nodded, grateful for her reassurance.
Selene released him and returned to the couch, gesturing for Oscar to sit down again as well. “I think we need a distraction, and to talk about something that’s not so…”
“Fucking heartbreaking?” Oscar asked.
After the revelations of the past few minutes, Luca expected to feel heavy, overwhelmed. Instead, he was…happy. He felt a thousand pounds lighter, a hundred years younger, and more comfortable in his own skin than he’d felt in his entire life.
Oscar smiled as he rose. “Luca, do you know how to play poker?”
Chapter Nine
Oscar had found the pack of cards in the kitchen’s junk drawer, which, as anyone with any sense knew, was where a pack of cards should be. Luca had sheepishly admitted to playing poker on phone apps, but he had never played with other people.
“Then you were playing the cards, not the table.” Oscar shuffled and set the deck on the table in front of Selene.
She tapped it with two fingers and Oscar arched a brow.
“I see you, Dr. Tanaka.”
“I try to replicate the power of the sun for a living.” Selene adjusted her glasses in a sexy librarian way. “You think I’m scared of taking risks?”
“It’s like watching sexy American TV,” Luca said, glancing back and forth between them.
“You think we’re sexy?” Selene asked. “I mean, me too. Obviously Oscar is sexy.”
Luca blushed. “Yes. I mean, you’re both… It’s…” He stared at the cards as Oscar dealt. “Remind me of the rules.”
“Straight poker. Five-card stud. Nothing wild. Keeping it simple this first round. Selene, deal out the chips.”
Selene gave them each ten sauce packets, also gathered from the junk drawer.
They glanced at their cards, discarded, took more, and placed their bets. To his surprise, Luca raised, then raised again.
“You must have a very good hand,” Selene said.
Luca glanced at each of them. “I build and design bombs for a living. Maybe I am simply taking a risk.”
Oscar whistled and slapped the table. “It’s going to be a game of who has the biggest nerd balls.” He pushed the rest of his hot sauce packets toward the center of the table. “Too bad for you two, that’s me.”
“Call,” Selene snapped.
Selene had a flush—all hearts. Appropriate.
Luca had three of a kind.
Oscar lay his cards out. “Full house, tens, and queens.”
Selene drummed her fingers on the table, anxious for a rematch. It appeared his nuclear scientist was competitive. “Deal.”
She won the next round, but he’d bet conservatively, losing only two hot sauce packets. On the third round, Oscar folded, losing only one in the process.
By the fourth hand, he still had most of the packets in his bank and was humming “The Gambler.”
“Deal,” Selene snapped. “Wait, I’ll deal. You’re cheating.”
“Don’t get too worked up, Tanaka. It’s just poker. Now, if we were playing spades…” Every game of spades between him and his siblings had ended in violence. Every. Single. One. Always followed up by one of them yelling, “I will never play cards with you again!”
Selene dealt, and Oscar’s smile had grown in time with his pile of hot sauce packets. He was waiting until Selene realized something she’d missed.
“I raise…” Selene trailed off as she finally noticed she was out of “money.”
“You have to fold?” Luca looked up from frowning at his cards.
“Socks,” Selene said.
“Strip poker.” Oscar sat up, staring across the table at her to try to read her mind. She glanced at Luca, then back to him, and shrugged slightly.
“What is strip poker?” Luca asked.
“You bet with your clothes. You lose and you have to take off something.”
Luca cleared his throat and tugged at the front of his shirt.
The bi guy who grew up in a nutso religious cult was probably wishing he was a thousand miles from here.
“Let’s not.” Oscar picked up some sauce packets, prepared to pass them to Selene.
“If she keeps losing…will she, will you, take off all your clothes?” Luca asked.
“Those are the rules,” Oscar said, grinning when he realized Luca wasn’t as averse to the idea as he’d assumed. “But you’d have to take off clothes as well.”
“If I lose.”
“Oh, you’re going to lose.” Oscar let the hot sauce packets spill from his hand back onto his pile.
“In or out, boys?” Selene asked.
“I’m in. I’m happy to see both of you naked,” Oscar declared.
“Big talk. Call.” Selene laid out her cards.
Luca took the round with a full house and Selene took off her socks.
Once the clothes started coming off, Luca suddenly got a whole lot better. Over the next half hour, Selene lost her pants and shirt, Oscar lost his socks and shirt, and Luca had all the sauce packets and was fully clothed.
“Did you just hustle us?” Oscar demanded.
“What’s ‘hustle?’”
“Mmmhmm, nice try. How do you say shark in Italian, Selene?”
“Squalo,” she
replied.
“Nice try, squalo. You’re a hustler.”
“In the Old West, you would have been shot,” Selene snapped.
“You’re salty ’cause you’re losing.” Oscar was enjoying this far too much. “You can always back out.”
“I don’t quit.”
“So what are you taking off next? Bra or panties?”
“Bra,” Selene purred. “And I plan to play with myself. We’ll see how good you two are while I do that.”
Luca froze. “Uh…”
Something else occurred to Oscar, and he shot Selene a sharp glance to let her know that this was serious. She paused in the middle of unsnapping her bra, then lowered her hands without removing it.
“Luca, after what happened when you were a teenager…” Oscar had to stop and think about his next words. There was nothing worse than making someone feel shitty about themselves or their sexuality. “After what you went through when you were a teenager, it would make sense if you stayed away from any kind of sexual situation, avoided…uh, images…”
“What kind of porn do you watch?” Selene asked.
“I’m supposed to be the unsubtle one,” Oscar groaned. “You can’t just ask people what kind of porn they watch. Dude might not even watch porn.”
“I watch porn,” Luca said. “For a long time, I tried watching what I thought was very heterosexual porn. But I primarily watch, uh…” He glanced at Selene apologetically. “Gangbangs.”
Oscar shook his head. “This conversation is fucking surreal.”
“One woman, multiple men?” Selene clarified.
“Yes. And some bondage stuff.”
“That can be pretty heterosexual,” Selene said, elbow on the table, chin on her hand. “Just bondage? Are we talking light hentai tentacle porn stuff, or full BDSM?”
“No pain, no discipline,” Luca said sharply. “Well, uh, some domestic discipline.”
Oscar had a brief fantasy of turning Selene over his lap for a spanking while Luca watched and made suggestions. Under the table, his dick hardened in his pants.
After that, they could take turns fucking her.
“But power exchange…” Selene seemed to consider it. “I’m guessing you aren’t fantasizing about being the powerless one.”