So I had to grin and bear it as I exchanged my drum kit for thirty little plastic discs.
“Now,” said Kemal, “let us go our separate ways. I am a man of poker. We will meet in the upstairs lobby at midnight. Gibreel and Marco, midnight. Not a minute later, or the bet is void and you turn back into pumpkins.”
Rich Cousin strutted into the bar to flash money and select a woman.
“Gibreel,” I hissed, as we walked into the main roulette lounge, “they’re using us as toys. It sucks. Why do they do it?”
“Because they are bored, rich little boys who need new toys. The money is nothing to them.”
“And anyway, doesn’t the Koran forbid gambling?”
“Muhammad doesn’t patrol London. With non-Muslims, on non-Muslim territory, it’s kosher. Let’s gamble, and may the best man win.”
• • •
I wandered around for a while before sitting down, taking it all in. The carpet, magenta plush, made me want to put on a pair of slippers and a smoking robe. Men in dinner jackets mingled with women in silk. There were some rare and exotic females here, at home under the chandeliers. Smiling characters locked away in the decompression chambers of dreams. A Hooray Henry hoorayed and an old lady cawed like a crow. The green of the baize and the gold of the wheels were stolen from the land of fairies, under the hill. The roulette wheel spun so fast that it seemed to be motionless, the ball an atom of gold. When I leave three centuries will have passed. The glum and the bored and the quietly desperate and the manic jolly and the spectators. The croupiers worked like cyborgs, avoiding eye contact. I looked up to try to spot the cameras, but the ceiling was hidden in black like that of a TV studio. There were no windows, no clocks. Walnut paneling, prints of racehorses and greyhounds. I wandered into a room where blackjack and poker were being played. Kemal was already in a game. I came back and sat down on the side where I could watch the roulette, and asked for a coffee, hoping it was free. It was ten o’clock. I’d watch for forty-five minutes, and work out how to play.
Twenty minutes passed. A man who looked like Samuel Beckett a few weeks before he died sat next to me, fumbling for cigarettes. I offered him one of mine. He nodded, took a couple, and sedately rocked.
“You’re a beginner wondering where to begin.”
“I’m wondering how I can win,” I said.
“Let’s see now.” He lit up, sucking the cigarette as an asthmatic does his inhaler. “Which game?”
“Roulette?”
He spoke around his cigarette, his lips barely moving. “Well, the American Table has two zeros, so the odds against you are greater. Stick to the French Table. If you bet on the numbers the odds against you are 2.7 percent. If you bet on the colors, then the odds against you are 1.35 percent.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
Samuel Beckett did a Gallic shrug. “It adds up. It depends how long you play. After a hundred coups, fifty-two percent of gamblers will be losing. After a thousand, sixty-six percent. After ten thousand, ninety-two percent of gamblers will be losing.”
“Is there a way to … erm …”
“At blackjack, yes. You memorize a bookful of algorithmic probability patterns, and then you keep count. Bet heavily when the odds swing for you, bet lightly when they’re against you. In principle, it’s that simple. You have to be very good, though, or you’ll be spotted and escorted to the dustbins. It’s probably easier to become a London cabbie.”
“I only got a grade ‘C’ at maths. Would poker—”
“Poker? At poker, you get what you deserve.”
“Ah. I don’t think I want what I deserve. So, is there a way of winning at roulette?”
“I’ll swap you that secret for a road map to Xanadu. There are plenty of ways for the casino to cheat—microscopic needles, electromagnets—but for the punter, the only hope is to miniaturize aerospace trajectory technology, and use it to plot the course of the ball. That’s been done.”
“Successfully?”
“In the laboratory, yes. But in Vegas the team got their circuitry shorted. I gather it was painful.”
“I suppose I’d better rely on chance, then.”
Samuel Beckett indicated with a twist of his face that in that case, the conversation was over. My £300 cut of Kemal’s winnings was waiting.
I sat down, afraid of being unmasked as an impostor. I put my first chip on red. I was about to lose my casino virginity. I watched the ball bounce and hurl itself around the wheel. What’s the ball like, ghostwriter? Give us a metaphor.
Very well. It’s like a genie, spending its fury until nothing is left.
The ball settled on black. The croupier raked away my money into a hole. It clicked as it fell. That’s the quickest £5 I ever spent without smiling. I put my second chip on red.
The ball landed on black. I’d have to win one soon.… The laws of probability. I put my third chip on black.
The ball settled on red. Still, I’d have to win this time.
I put my fourth chip on red. I can’t lose four in a row.
I lost four in a row. Black. Twenty pounds just gone and nobody even thanked me.
Not a good start. Red, black, red, black. Stepping out of the way of an oncomer in the same direction as the oncomer. Never mind, Marco. One hundred and thirty pounds of chips still in my pocket.
I went and got a mineral water to rethink my strategy. I downed it and hoped it would flush out the last of the hash. Kemal was at the bar. “How’s it going, my friend? I have a lot of money riding on you tonight.”
That’s your stupid fault. “Up and down.”
“Up is better, my friend. How are you betting? Don’t bet like a loser. Bet with strength. Don’t overrate chance. Winning in a casino is like winning in life: all is a matter of will.”
Yeah, and a lollipop tossed into the mouth of the Amazon can float upstream. It just has to want to badly enough.
The casino toilet was tiled in black marble, and the mirrors were copper and smoky. I imagined gangsters in pastel suits shooting each other in the kidneys. I had just unzipped my fly when Cousin came in, still wearing his sunglasses. He came and stood next to me. He didn’t say a word.
Even though my bladder was full, he unnerved me so much that my piss refused to come out. I heard his, though, a smooth torrent gurgling down the plug hole. The free-flowing urine of opulent wealth. I pretended to be shaking off the last drops, washed my hands, and scuttled off to find another toilet.
I chose another table, with an attractive brunette croupier with freckles and unfeasibly long legs. She looked like she could have been a he at some point. She looked lucky.
This time, I’d concentrate harder.
I was pretty soon down to £75.
I won a few, and lost a few. I hovered around the £60 mark for fifteen minutes before losing eight in a row and plummeting down to £20.
Gibreel appeared at my shoulder. “I’m up to £280 at blackjack. Roulette’s for mugs.”
“I don’t have a good answer for that.”
“Dear me, is that all you have left? And still only eleven o’clock.”
“Get lost.”
This was hurting. I wanted out. I bet the last of my money on green. If it won, I’d get … thirty-five to one … £700. Maybe Kemal was right. Maybe this gambling lark was a matter of will. £700! Concentrate on that!
The wheel spun, the wheel slowed, and damn me if the ball didn’t fall into the green zero!
… And fall right out again.
I sat there, stunned. I wanted my adoptive mom to come and make things right. Well, I wanted any mom. I wasn’t fussy.
I watched the lime fizz in my bottle of Sol. A parrot’s pancreas pickled in piss.
Idiot!
I deserved to lose. I’d just betted haphazardly. If I’d tried to feel more … The future already exists. Prophets can see what is already there. Anyone can predict effects from a given cause. That’s a definition of sentient life, from storing food to sat
ellite weather forecasting. Suppose you could do the same, backwards.… See the cause from the effect. It wouldn’t be an intellectual process. It would be …
Ah, bollocks. I’m sounding like Nancy Thing from Iannos’s café.
Three hundred pounds! Just for finishing the evening with more money than Gibreel! Plus whatever I made, on top … Could be quite a few hundred. A thousand even. When would I have an opportunity like this again? I owed more than £3000, quite a lot more, but a few hundred quid would buy me peace of mind and cut me some slack, for weeks.
Thing is, where could I get some more stake money? I couldn’t ask Kemal. My bank card had been eaten.
A little demon blew on the back of my neck. My credit card! Three hundred pounds credit-limit extension. Remember?
Getting deeper into debt, to gamble? Are you crazy?
Look, if you’re going to have to work some greasy windowless job for the next two years to pay off these debts, then it may as well be four.
Damn, no, I’d put my credit card in my suit pocket to use at that sexy little Mexican place with Bella last week sometime. God, had that ever been a stale, pricey evening.
I’m wearing my suit. Dolt.
I tapped my pocket. Plastic tapped back.
No one had said I couldn’t get more stake money.…
What if this backfired? The credit card people weren’t going to be impressed. And how about Poppy? She might be carrying your kid around inside her. It’s not just your own future you’re gambling away here. It’s wrong. Just leave. Leave now. You won’t even be able to pay half the abortion cost, if that’s what she wants. And what if that isn’t what she wants?
I’d nailed my doubts down a pit, but I could hear them hammering at the floorboards. I went back to the original table with £300. The croupier had changed. A young chap whose name was probably something like Nigel. Maybe he was from Kennington. 11:30. I’d better play for £25 per spin.
Playing for colors may give Samuel Beckett better odds, but it had wiped me out just now. This time I was playing for numbers.
How should you choose numbers? Okay, first, my age. Twenty-nine. Odds.
The ball landed on 20. Evens. Another bad start. Down to £275. Still, next number. Numbers from today. How many eggs in Katy Forbes’s omelette?
Four. Evens.
The ball landed on 20, again. Evens! This is better. This is the way to do it. Think of a question with a numerical answer, answer it, and bet. Back up to £300.
How many people had I spoken to today? A quick count. Eighteen, including myself. Even. Listen, God, I know I haven’t been a very loyal member of the fan club, but I swear, get me out of this and I’ll even start going to church again. Whenever I can.
The ball landed on 19. God, the deal’s off, you hear? Down to £275.
How many zits on Kennington Nigel’s face? Three. Odds.
The ball landed on 34. Down to £250. Another question. This time my stake would be £50. Time was running out. Had I pissed off a gypsy recently?
How many teeth do I have? Twenty-eight. Evens.
The ball landed on 1. Fate, what have I done to deserve this? Would you like me to stop believing in chance? I will if you want. Just let me win now. Fate. I am yours. I am fated to win. Two hundred pounds.
Oh shit, this was next week’s food money. Gambling was horrible. People actually did this for pleasure?
How many women have I slept with in my life? Forget it, no time.
“If I were you,” said Samuel Beckett, “I would do something dramatic.”
Odds.
The ball landed on 4. Fate, fuck you. Chance all the way. One hundred and fifty pounds. Ten to midnight.
How many letters in my name, Marco. Five. Odds.
24. Evens. Down to a hundred pounds.
Jesus, this is tomorrow’s rent. I’m going to have to get a job in Burger King at Victoria Station.
“Did you know,” said Samuel Beckett, “that you can bet on four numbers at once? It’s called a Carré. Place your chip on the intersection where they meet. Payment is eight to one.”
Where? “Will you choose it for me?”
“No.”
I put my second-to-last chip on 23/24/26/27.
The ball landed in 28.
“Tough,” said Samuel Beckett. “Still. One last number to go.”
“Please,” I said, “give me an intersection.”
“Oh, if you insist: 32/33/35/36.”
I placed the chip. This was my last chance. I realized that I couldn’t watch. As there was no sofa to run behind, I hid my eyes as darkness engulfed me.
Nearing the speed of light, time buckled. Sound thickened to the consistency of hair gel. Poverty walked towards me through the crowd. A bed at Summerford Hostel would set me back £12.50. A large pile of chips was being raked at me. And left there. I looked up. The croupier was already looking away. An elderly black gent with hair coming out of his ears was looking at my chips covetously. Two girls in matching shiny dresses were laughing right at me.
Samuel Beckett had gone.
There was £400 worth in chips in front of me. I could keep my credit card.
“My friend,” Kemal appeared over my shoulder, “it is time. I’m glad to see you have not been wiped out. Let us go to the upstairs lobby. Did you enjoy yourself?”
I swallowed hard. “It’s so important to play only for the pleasure of it.”
I knew I hadn’t beaten Gibreel, but I had £400, over the £300 I had borrowed. I discounted the £150 stake, since that had never really been mine. So. A modest profit of £100. The leather jacket, £30. Probably enough to pacify Digger, if I promise to manicure his mastiffs for a week. My drums were back. Then there was The Music of Chance gig at Brixton Academy next weekend, which should tide me over until the end of the month. We always got cash on the nail there because I’d shagged the Student’s Union events organizer a few times last year.
Gibreel was looking sheepish in the upstairs lobby. “Sorry,” he said to Cousin. “The dealer must have known how to neutralize my system.”
“My friend!” Kemal rotated two or three times for joy. I kept a blank face, but inwardly somersaulted. Yes! £100 plus £300 equals £400 profit for me and now we are talking!
Cousin reluctantly produced a beige envelope, which Kemal snatched. “Thank you my friend.”
Gibreel frowned and pointed at me. “Not so fast! Marco cheated! He got some more money out!” My ex-friend looked at me. “Deny it!”
Weird stuff, money. “You didn’t say I couldn’t.”
Cousin and Gibreel advanced towards Kemal, and tried to take the envelope back. Kemal swung back, Cousin grabbed the envelope, Kemal grabbed Cousin and they both fell onto a plant stand, felling a massive umbrella plant and upsetting a gong which gonged down the stairs, one gong per step. Gibreel picked up the envelope, Kemal writhed out from under the umbrella plant with surprising alacrity and headbutted Gibreel, who staggered back, spitting out a tooth. Cousin rugby-tackled Kemal from behind, and I heard a zipping rip of material. This all seemed choreographed. Kemal tumbled, reached into his jacket as he fell, and suddenly a grin-shaped knife was flashing through the air. I guess they weren’t such good friends after all.
Trouble was shouting around the corner. The only possible way out for me would be for this peculiar triangular door to be open, and for me to crawl into it before the bouncers arrived, and for these three to not notice me, and for nobody to think of looking in here. What kind of odds were these? It was an ostrich-brained escape plan, but sometimes the ostrich strategy is your last, indeed only, line of defense. I turned the doorknob.
And bugger me if it wasn’t open! I cramped myself in, and pulled the door to behind me. I bumped my head, stuck my foot in a bucket, and smelled detergent. My priest hole was a cleaning cupboard.
I heard the bouncers come, a whole load of shouting and protesting. I felt oddly calm. As usual, my fate was in the hands of chance. If I was caught, I was caught. I wait
ed for the door to be tugged open.
The noises were escorted away.
What a day. Am I really hiding in a casino’s cleaning cupboard? Yes, I really am. How in heaven and hell did I get here? A humming switched itself off, and I was left alone in the silence that I hadn’t noticed hadn’t been there.
There is Truth, and then there is Being Truthful.
Being Truthful is just one more human activity, along with chatting up women, ghostwriting, selling drugs, running a country, designing radiotelescopes, parenting, drumming, and shoplifting. All are susceptible to adverbs. You can be truthful well or badly, frankly or slyly, and you can choose to do it or not to do it.
Truth holds no truck with any of this. A comet doesn’t care if humans notice its millennial lap, and Truth doesn’t care less what humans are writing about it this week. Truth’s indifference is immutable. More Mercurial than Jovian. Sometimes you turn your head and you see it: in a fountain, in the parabola of a flung frisbee, or the darkness of a cleaning cupboard. Causes and effects politely stand up and identify themselves. At such times I understand the futility of worrying. I shut up and I see the bumbling goodness behind the bitching and insecurity. Tying my future to Poppy’s and India’s—if they would have me—would be the greatest, never-ending, Richter-busting plunge I could ever take.
And then Truth is suddenly gone, and you’re back to anxiety about bills.
I yawned so wide that my jaw clicked. The adrenaline from the fight and the coffee from the lounge were wearing off. Truth is tiring stuff. It was time to crawl out of my cleaning cupboard.
I cashed in my chips, praying to get the money in my sticky hand before being recognized. Were all cashiers this slow?
At long last I was free. I went and reclaimed my jacket. Still nobody recognized me.
There was a telephone in the corner of the reception hall. As I was fishing for change Samuel Beckett came strolling over. “Your friends were persuaded to continue their frank exchange of views elsewhere. Minus the knives.”
“Who?”
The telephone was one of the old dial types. All these circles and wheels spinning separately together. I rolled in my coin.
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