by Brian Yorkey
DAN: Yes.
NATALIE: Thanks. That’s comforting.
(Dan is silent at first, and Natalie turns to go . . .)
GABE:I am flame and I am fire,
I am destruction, decay, and desire—
I’ll hurt you . . .
(. . . but Dan follows her with:)
DAN: You know, Natalie . . .
GABE:I’ll heal you . . .
DAN: It’s not all about your comfort.
GABE:I’m your wish, your dream come true,
And I am your darkest nightmare, too—
I’ve shown you . . .
DAN: It’s about helping your mother.
GABE:I own you.
NATALIE: As always.
(She goes. Gabe turns to Dan.)
GABE:And though you made me,
You can’t change me—
I’m the perfect stranger who knows you too well.
And I’m alive
I’m alive
I am so alive,
And I’ll tell you the truth if you let me try.
You’re alive
I’m alive
And I’ll show you why
I’m alive . . .
So alive . . .
I’m alive.
(Gabe finds Natalie in the bathroom. He opens the medicine cabinet for her. She looks inside, and pulls out a pill bottle.)
NATALIE: Risperdal?
GABE:I’m alive . . .
NATALIE (More bottles): Valium? Xanax?
GABE:I’m alive . . .
NATALIE (Shrugs): What the hell.
(She pours out a couple pills and pops them.
Gabe leaves her and returns to Doctor Madden’s office . . .)
GABE:I’m alive—I’m right behind you.
You say forget, but I remind you.
You can try to hide, you know that I will find you.
’Cause if you won’t grieve me
You won’t leave me behind . . .
(. . . where Diana is still silent.)
DOCTOR MADDEN: Let’s say he’s eighteen now—isn’t that when kids move out? Isn’t it time to let him go?
GABE:No, no, no—
I’m alive
I’m alive
I am so alive,
If you climb on my back, then we both can fly
If you try
To deny me
I’ll never die
I’m alive . . .
So alive . . .
I’m alive . . .
Yeah, yeah . . .
I’m alive . . .
I’m alive . . .
I’m alive . . .
I’m alive!
(Music ends.
Diana sits opposite Doctor Madden again. Silence, then:)
DOCTOR MADDEN: It’s been four weeks, and I’d like to try something new today. Sometimes, when these stories are hard to tell, hypnosis can be helpful.
(Music.)
DIANA: Oh, I don’t think I could be hypnotized. I mean, it’s fine. I’m just not the type.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Put your feet on the floor. Your hands in your lap. Breathe.
(She does. He sings:)
make up your mind / catch me i’m falling
Walk with me . . .
Walk with me.
DIANA: Okay. Walking.
DOCTOR MADDEN:Go all the way down—down a long flight of stairs . . .
DIANA: Stairs!
DOCTOR MADDEN:Go step by step into the darkness down there.
DIANA: Should we turn on a light? You know, with the stairs?
DOCTOR MADDEN (Breathes, then):Walk with me . . .
Down a hall,
A hall that you know—at the end, there’s a door,
It’s a door that you’ve never laid eyes on before . . .
Open the door . . .
Open the door.
(Diana is silent. He speaks:)
Can you hear me, Diana?
DIANA: Yes.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Are you nervous?
DIANA: No.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Good. Now.
(Sings:) Make up your mind to explore yourself.
Make up your mind you have stories to tell.
We’ll search in your past
For what sorrows may last,
Then make up your mind to be well.
(Dan appears.)
DAN: Di, you come home from these sessions in tears. Is this helping, or . . . ? Di? Di?
(Lights.
Another session. Diana is again hypnotized.)
DIANA: We were both undergrads. Architecture. The baby wasn’t planned. Neither was the marriage. I had always expected to be too busy. But when the baby came it all seemed to make sense. Until . . . Until . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Until?
DAN AND VOICES:He’s not here . . .
He’s not here . . .
Love, I know you know.
DOCTOR MADDEN:Make up your mind that you’re strong enough.
Make up your mind—let the truth be revealed.
Admit what you’ve lost
And live with the cost . . .
At times it does hurt to be healed.
(Gabe approaches, watching.)
GABE:Catch me I’m falling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: In our first session you told me . . .
GABE:Catch me I’m falling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: . . . that talking through your history . . .
GABE:Faster than anyone should.
GABE AND DIANA:Catch me I’m falling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: . . . it feels like it’s about someone else.
GABE AND DIANA:Please hear me calling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Make it about you.
GABE AND DIANA:Catch me I’m falling for good.
(Lights.
Backstage at the school auditorium.
Natalie fidgets. Henry enters, with flowers.)
HENRY: Hey. I’m not supposed to be backstage, but . . .
(He hands her the flowers.)
For luck.
NATALIE: Did you see my parents out there?
HENRY: Um—are you okay?
NATALIE: I’m fine. My dad said they’d both be here.
HENRY: Then I’m sure they will be.
NATALIE: Will they?
(At the recital, over Diana’s speech, Natalie steps out onstage and peers at the audience—she does not see her parents.)
DIANA: We had Natalie to . . . And I know she knows. I couldn’t hold her, in the hospital?
NATALIE: Where the hell are they?
DIANA: I couldn’t let myself hold her.
DOCTOR MADDEN: That’s the first time you’ve mentioned Natalie in weeks of therapy.
NATALIE: God damn it.
NATALIE AND VOICES:She’s not there . . .
She’s not there . . .
She’s not there.
DOCTOR MADDEN:Make up your mind you want clarity:
Take what you know and then make it make sense.
Just face what you fear,
And soon it comes clear
The visions are just your defense.
(Natalie shakily takes the stage at her recital. She looks out at the audience. Takes a deep breath.)
NATALIE: Um. Thank you for coming. Natalie Goodman.
(She sits at the piano, and tries to play the first bars of her piece—mangling it badly.)
DOCTOR MADDEN: Let’s try to understand what all this is doing to you. And your family.
(Natalie tries a second time—disaster.)
NATALIE: Fuck.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Your grief for your son. Your distance from Natalie.
(As Henry peeks out from the wings, Natalie turns to the audience:)
NATALIE: I’m sorry. I just—The thing is—I—
(Music.)
You know what the problem with classical is? It’s so rigid and structured. You have to play the notes on the page. There’s no room for improvisation.
HENRY: Oh no.
(N
atalie launches into a slightly sloppy but rousing rock riff which leads to:)
DIANA, DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:Catch me I’m falling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Unresolved loss can lead to depression.
DIANA, DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:Catch me I’m falling . . .
(Henry goes to Natalie . . .)
DOCTOR MADDEN: Fear of loss, to anxiety.
DIANA, DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:Flying headfirst into fate.
Catch me I’m falling . . .
(. . . and tries to help her up from the piano.)
DOCTOR MADDEN: The more you hold on to something you lost . . .
DIANA, DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:Please hear me calling . . .
(She resists at first . . .)
DOCTOR MADDEN: . . . the more you fear losing it
DIANA, DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:Catch me before it’s too late.
(. . . but finally lets him help her up. She holds on to him to keep from falling.)
DOCTOR MADDEN:DAN, GABE AND NATALIE:
Depression, anxiety, depression, anxiety . . . Catch me before it’s too late.
One gives rise to the other. Catch me before it’s too late.
Catch me I’m falling . . .
Catch me I’m falling . . .
Catch me I’m falling . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Wouldn’t you like to be free from all that? Finally? Wouldn’t you like to go home, clear out his room . . . maybe spend some time with your daughter? And let your son go, at last?
HENRY: Uh. Should we go?
NATALIE: Yes.
DIANA: Yes.
GABE: Mom.
DIANA: Yes I would.
(Music.
The others disappear. Doctor Madden’s office goes away.
Diana is at home.
Dan brings her a box of items from the baby’s room.)
DAN: This is good, Di. It’s a good step.
(He goes.
Diana sifts through the items. She takes out Gabe’s blanket, unfolds it, holds it, folds it again, then drapes it on the arm of the chair.
She lifts a music box. She considers it a long moment, then opens it. Music changes.)
i dreamed a dance
DIANA:I saw you light the ballroom
With your sparkling eyes of blue.
Graceful as an angel’s wing,
I dreamed a dance with you.
(Gabe enters, dressed stunningly in a tuxedo . . .)
You whispered slyly, softly.
You told me you would be true.
We spun around a thousand stars—
I dreamed a dance with you.
(. . . and they dance, beautifully.)
I know the night is dying, dear . . .
I know the day will dawn . . .
DIANA AND GABE:
The dancers may disappear—
Still the dance goes on . . .
GABE:And on.
(Gabe kisses her hand and steps away.)
DIANA:I’ll wake alone tomorrow,
The dream of our dances through.
But now until forever, love
I’ll live to dance with you.
(Gabe turns to go . . .)
I’ll dream, my love . . .
I’ll live, my love . . .
And I’ll die to dance with—
(. . . but on this last, he turns back to her, and she falls silent.
Music changes.)
there’s a world
GABE:There’s a world . . .
There’s a world I know.
A place we can go
Where the pain will go away—
There’s a world where the sun shines each day.
There’s a world . . .
There’s a world out there.
I’ll show you just where,
And in time I know you’ll see
There’s a world where we can be free—
Come with me.
(Doctor Madden enters with a hospital chart.)
DOCTOR MADDEN: Goodman, Diana.
GABE:Come with me.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Discovered unconscious at home.
GABE:There’s a world where we can be free . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Multiple razor wounds to wrists and forearms. Self-inflicted.
GABE:Come with me.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Saline rinse, sutures and gauze. IV antibiotics. Isolated, sedated and restrained. Damn it . . .
(Gabe holds out his hand. A moment, then Diana takes it, and follows him off.
Music changes.)
ECT is indicated.
(Dan joins him at the hospital.)
DAN: Wow. I mean—they still do that?
DOCTOR MADDEN: We do, yes. It’s the standard in cases like this. She’s got a long history of drug therapy and resistance, she’s acutely suicidal—it’s really our best option.
DAN: That’s kind of terrifying.
DOCTOR MADDEN: It’s not. The electricity involved is barely enough to light a hundred-watt bulb.
DAN (Wry): Oh, if it’s just a hundred-watt bulb . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: It’s safer than crossing the street, and the short-term success rate is over eighty percent.
DAN: I thought she was better . . .
DOCTOR MADDEN: Sometimes patients recover just enough strength to follow through on suicidal impulses, but not enough strength to resist them.
DAN: Well, that seems very . . . fucked.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Yes. (Hands Dan a clipboard) Legally, we need her consent. Hospital policy is we need yours, too.
DAN: I don’t think she’s gonna go for this.
DOCTOR MADDEN: Mister Goodman, we can administer the ECT and you can bring her home in ten days. Or we can keep her sedated for forty-eight hours, then discharge her and wait for her to try again. Look—go home. Take the night. We’ll talk to her in the morning.
(Music changes.
Doctor Madden goes.
Dan is at home.)
i’ve been
DAN:Standing in this room,
Well, I wonder what comes now.
I know I have to help her—
But hell if I know how.
And all the times that I’ve been told
The way her illness goes—
The truth of it is no one really knows.
And every day this act we act gets more and more absurd . . .
And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard . . .
I know they won’t, though—not a single word.
(Dan starts to clean up after Diana.
Gabe appears and watches him.)
I was here,
At her side,
When she called,
When she cried . . .
How could she leave me on my own?
Will it work?
This cure?
There’s no way
To be sure . . .
But I’m weary to the bone.
And whenever she goes flying
I keep my feet right on the ground—
Oh, now I need a lift and there’s no one around.
(As Dan finishes cleaning, he and Gabe both sing without words. Then:)
And I’ve never had to face the world
without her at my side . . .
Now I’m strolling right beside her
as the black hole opens wide . . .
Mine is just a slower suicide.
I’ve been here,
For the show,
Every high,
Every low . . .
But it’s the worst we’ve ever known.
She’s been hurt,
And how,
But I can’t