Fuck. She would focus on that.
"I installed a few cameras," I mumble and pull up the app to access them on my phone.
"When?" she asks, her eyes narrowing to little slits.
"Last night."
She huffs, but doesn't say anything further on the subject. She wanders away instead, going back to her car to get her shit out of it. I keep one eye on her while I navigate my way around the app, rewinding the cameras to see what they managed to catch. The kid from LAPD comes back outside while I'm rewinding the last few hours of footage.
He and Santiago talk back and forth before Santiago basically tells him to eat a dick and go home, that the DEA is handling this since I'm one of theirs. The kid gets all offended, but eventually his dispatcher calls for backing units for a shooting about a mile away. He beats feet back to his car and heads out.
"Can I go inside?" January asks.
"Yeah, baby girl," I murmur, glancing up at her. Sadness and stress hang heavily around her, making her seem fragile and even smaller than usual. "Just leave the glass there and I'll clean it up when we're done out here. I don't want you getting cut."
"Okay." She nods and heads inside, leaving the front door open.
A couple minutes later, I find what I'm looking for. I hit play and watch as two teenage boys sneak from Ma Rose's property onto January's. They're maybe seventeen, dressed in baggie clothes. One peers around like he expects to be caught any minute. The other doesn't even blink as he cocks his arm back and launches one rock and then the other.
A few seconds later, both boys run off frame.
"You recognize either of them?" Santiago asks when I replay it for him.
I shake my head.
"Roman said you were working a case on Kaleo. I'm guessing you want to deal with this yourself?" he asks me.
"Yeah. Just file whatever report you need to file for the insurance claim and I'll take care of it," I tell him.
"I'll go take a couple pictures of the damage at your place and get the fuck out of your hair." He pulls a business card out of his pocket before handing it over to me. "Send the camera footage to me when you get a chance and I'll make sure it's added to the file in case you decide you want to pursue charges later."
"Thanks, Santiago."
It takes Santiago all of twenty minutes to get what he needs. Once he leaves, I linger outside, reluctant to face January when I know she's pissed about the cameras. When I know she deserves the answers she desperately wants. I make a couple calls to get Ma Rose's place shored up until I can get someone out tomorrow to replace the windows and door.
Once that's done, I quickly gather my shit into my duffle and then make my way next door to January's. Until I can get her windows fixed tomorrow, I'm camping out on her couch. She'll probably fight me on it, but I'm not leaving her alone with her windows busted out.
I don't want to leave her alone at all. Ever. Maybe, if I'd never found out the last ten years were hell for her, I could go on living without her. I could sentence myself to that pain because it's what I deserve…but I can't do that to her. She struggled through every day without me. I can't put her through that again.
Even when she inevitably kicks my ass out of here, I won't be going far. So long as she needs me, I'm hers.
"Hey," she says, looking up from the couch when I stop in the doorway. She's changed into yoga pants and a UCLA hoodie and has her hair thrown up in a messy bun. There's a little furrow between her brows and her eyes are dark beneath, like she hasn't been sleeping much either.
The broken glass is gone. So are the rocks.
"I told you I'd deal with the mess," I mutter. She never listens. Ever since she was a little girl, she's been stubborn as hell. It's endearing and frustrating as fuck at the same time.
"It was just a bit of broken glass," she says, her voice soft. "You had other things to do. Besides, cleaning it up was easier than sitting here and stewing."
"I'm not going to apologize for the cameras. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about them, but I'm not sorry for putting them up." I drop my bag by the credenza table and step over the threshold, pushing the front door closed with my foot. "Kaleo is dangerous. I don't want you getting hurt."
"I'm not mad about the cameras."
"You're not?" I ask, suspicious as hell.
"I want to be," she admits, "but I know you're only trying to watch out for me. After this, I guess I understand why you thought they were necessary. I'm sorry he destroyed Ma Rose's house."
"It's just stuff." I shrug it off even though I'm all kinds of pissed about it. "I know you probably don't want me here, but I'm crashing on your couch tonight. With your windows busted, I don't want you here alone. I'll have someone out to replace them tomorrow."
"You don't have to do that."
"Yeah, I do. His beef is with me right now, not you."
She tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear and cocks her head to the side. "Did you seriously arrest seven of his people?"
"Yes."
"By yourself?"
I nod.
"Is that what happened to your neck? You're bleeding a little."
"Dante tried to stab me," I mutter, reaching up to prod at the small wound. It's barely even a scratch.
She shivers like the thought of Dante stabbing me bothers her. "He always hated you," she whispers, her dulcet voice sweet as hell. "I'm glad you're okay."
I pull my phone out of my pocket. "You recognize either of these kids?"
She takes the phone from me and examines the screen capture I took of the two boys who broke out her windows. She studies it carefully before shaking her head and handing the phone back over to me. Her fingers brush across mine, sending a jolt through me.
I think she feels it too. She stares at me for a second and then drops her gaze to my feet, hiding those emerald eyes from me. Even so, I can practically feel her hesitation and confusion. Her silences always had a way of saying more than she realized. It's the way she moves. When she's sad, she curls in on herself, making herself smaller. When she's angry, her little leg bounces up and down. When she's thinking, she goes completely still and stares into space, oblivious to what's going on around her. She's doing that now, staring at nothing.
I don't have to guess to know what she's thinking about. She isn't sure if she wants me here or not, isn't sure what she should want. I hurt her this weekend. That wasn't my intention, but that's what I did anyway. I was selfish, putting my fears above her needs. And now she's struggling, trying to figure out where we stand, or where she stands with me.
Yet again, I've made her think I don't want her when the exact opposite is true. I want her so goddamn badly the thought of losing her for good is, quite literally, the worse scenario I can conjure up.
"Since she is here, in a place of blackness, here I stay and wait," I say softly.
She lifts her gaze to mine, a question in those pretty eyes.
I grab the hem of my shirt and pull it up over my head before dropping it and turning slightly so she can see what I'm talking about. "Your name on my side," I explain. "That's what's hidden in the letters. It's part of an untitled poem by Stephen Crane."
"What does it mean?" she asks, her curious gaze locked on the swirl of the words.
"It's what kept me alive for so long," I confess, watching her as intently as she watches me. "Being without you was hell, but I fought to survive because of you. Because so long as you were alive and breathing, I was determined to keep myself that way too. I know you've been hurting, but you were never alone, January. I've been in the dark with you for ten years, waiting."
"Why?" she whispers.
"Because I never stopped loving you. Because it was my punishment for ruining your life. You keep thinking I don't want you, that I left because I didn't love you, but you're wrong. I left because the thought of you hating me tears me apart." I reach for her hand and place it on the jagged scar that runs across my side. "I got this a little over a year ago when a gang decided they w
ere going to gang rape a fifteen-year-old who thought she wanted to join up."
Pain flares in her eyes and her hand trembles on my body.
"I seriously injured four people and killed three others that day, sweetheart," I confess, my voice soft. Before she can react to that, I move her hand, putting it over the scar across my abdomen. "I got this one when a guy a lot like Kaleo decided he wanted to make a name for himself by taking me out. I killed him and the eighteen-year-old kid he brought along to help him."
"Cade," she whispers, but I don't let her finish.
I need to get this out before she says anything. If I don't, I'm not sure I'll be able to do it at all.
I drop to my knees in front of her and place her hand over the two scars on my chest. "I got these trying to take down a motorcycle gang. Before I passed out, I killed the guy who shot me." My hand shakes when I move hers to the last bullet wound, the most recent. "I got this one trying to rescue T. The same psycho who kidnapped Little Mama tried to kill him four months ago. The bastard's girlfriend shot me. I killed her too."
That's the one that still bothers me. All the rest, I did what I had to do to stay alive. But killing a woman fucked me up a little bit. I think it always will.
"These are from a broken beer bottle someone stabbed me with," I murmur, moving on to the two small scars near my collarbone. "The gangbanger who did it is still in prison for attempted murder of a law enforcement officer. This one," I tell her, placing her hand over the one on my sternum, "is what happens when you aren't careful. Some nineteen-year-old kid barricaded himself inside a woman's house after shooting and killing two rival gang members. I went in after him. Thought I had him subdued, but I didn't see the knife in his boot. He stabbed me and then grabbed the woman, intending to kill her. I shot him."
Tears well in January's eyes and her hand trembles as she explores each scar with tentative fingers. "None of that was your fault," she whispers as her little hand slides across my skin, leaving me aching with need. "You were just doing your job."
God, she's so innocent, so trusting. I pull out the note Kaleo's boys left for her to find. The one I stole to keep my secret. I hold it out to her.
She peers down at it, frowning in confusion as her eyes track across the scrap of paper.
"This is who I am, baby girl. It's who I was long before the DEA put a badge in my hand and told me to have a go at keeping Seattle's gangs in line. I'm a killer," I whisper, my voice hoarse. "The day before I left Los Angeles, I murdered three people. I don't regret it. I'm not sorry. It doesn't haunt me."
"Why are you telling me this?" she whispers, searching my face for some answer I'm not sure I know how to give her.
"You wanted to know why I'm so goddamn afraid you'll hate me," I tell her, keeping my gaze locked on her face. My throat burns like fire. "The three people I killed then, all the ones I've killed since…I don't regret it. If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same choices. I'm not a good man. The only reason the DEA put a badge in my hands is because I'm the only thing motherfuckers like Kaleo are afraid of. I'm the monster who keeps the other monsters in line, and I'm the one they answer to when they step over that line."
"You aren't a monster."
There's so much you don't know. Things that would horrify you if you did."
Those deaths aren't the worst of my sins. They aren't the ones that haunt me.
"You're wrong, Cade," she says, sliding her hand up my chest to my shoulders. Her other joins it before she slides off the couch, wrapping her body around mine. Her lips ghost across my chest, pressing kisses into my skin. "There's nothing you could say that would ever make me hate you. I know why you killed those men and I don't care. If you're bad, then so am I because I've always known you were the one who killed them and I kept that secret for you."
"Ah, sweetheart," I groan, trying to find the strength to tell her the parts she doesn't know.
"I lied to you," she whispers into my skin, those soft lips roving everywhere she can reach. "I can't fall in love with you because I never fell out of love with you to begin with. I've been waiting to be yours again for so long. Don't make me wait anymore. Please."
Christ. She's killing me. Each word that drops from her lips tears at my resolve until it's shredded into nothing. It's in tatters around me, unable to withstand the power she has over me. My body, my heart, my soul…every piece of me belongs to her.
When she's not wrapped around me, pleading with me to make the ache go away, I'll tell her everything and face the consequences. Until then, my girl needs me. She's hurting for me and I'm not strong enough to tell her no. I never have been.
"Never, baby girl," I vow and lift her into my arms. "I'll never keep you waiting again."
Chapter Fourteen
January
Age Eighteen
"I think I have the plague," Mariah mumbles and then coughs loudly.
"You sound like you have the plague," I tell her, setting my cellphone on the counter so I can pull my hair up into a ponytail. "You should stay home tonight. I love you and all, but I don't want whatever you've got."
"You won't be upset if I'm not there?" she asks me, clearly worried.
"I'll miss you, but we can always do something when you're feeling better. Besides, it'll just be family here, so it's not like you're going to miss some wild party or anything," I remind her. Mom asked if I wanted a big party for my eighteenth birthday, but I just want to spend it with the people who matter the most to me. Even Titan promised to show up for once. I hope he doesn't blow me off.
He does that all the time…tells me that he'll do something with me and then doesn't show up. If it wasn't for Cade stepping in to fill the void every single time, I'd be heartbroken. Instead, I'm just annoyed and disappointed. I love my brother like crazy, but it feels like the only person he cares about is himself.
He and Cade barely even speak anymore. When they do, the conversation is always tense and strained. I know the distance hurts Titan as much as it hurts Cade, but he's too stubborn to apologize for whatever he did to piss Cade off so badly.
Cade won't tell me what happened. He just tells me not to worry about it, and that Titan will get his head out of his ass eventually. I'm not even sure if he believes that when he says it. He can't hide the worry and guilt in his eyes, like maybe he's thinking Titan is a lost cause now and feels bad for thinking it.
I just want my brother back from whatever stranger possessed his body. He hasn't been the same since right after Ma Rose died. The last two years have been hell. But I still love him. He's still my brother. I want him to be happy and for things to be like they used to be between the three of us.
"It's a date," Mariah promises and then starts coughing.
"Go take some drugs and get some sleep. Love you!" I tell her.
"Love you too. Happy birthday, January."
I hang up the phone and swipe some gloss on my lips. Before I'm finished, the doorbell rings. Laughing to myself over the fact that Cade still rings the bell after all these years instead of just coming inside, I hurry out of the bathroom to answer the door.
"Happy birthday, baby girl," he says, grinning at me when I fling it open. He's so handsome with his dark blond hair falling over his forehead and his blue-gray eyes shining. The crooked smile on his face tugs at my heart and sends heat flooding through me.
I jump up into his arms and wrap my legs around him.
He catches me with his hands on my ass and stumbles through the front door before kicking it closed behind him. Half a second later, he pins me to it and kisses me hard.
I moan into his mouth and wiggle against him. He grunts and then grinds me down on his cock. He's hard already. I think he stays that way when we're together.
I love it.
"I missed you," I whisper, kissing and biting his neck.
"Fuck," he mumbles and bucks his hips into mine, putting pressure right where I need it most.
My head falls back against the door. A loud moan
breaks from my lips as a bolt of pleasure shoots through me. It feels so good.
Sex with Cade is incredible, but I always get the sense he's holding back a little bit. Like he's afraid he's going to push me too far or ask for more than I'm ready to give him. What he doesn't know, though, is that I'd give him anything and probably love every minute of it. I feel safe with him. When I'm in his arms, I don't think about what Tony Black tried to do to me. All I think about is Cade and how good he makes me feel.
"You want my cock, baby girl?" he asks against my throat, grinding me down on him.
"Yes, please," I beg, digging my nails into his shoulders.
"Wrap those sexy legs around me and hold on," he mumbles and then pushes away from the door.
I wrap my body around his as instructed and hold on tight as he flips the lock on the door and then carries me to my bedroom. He drops me down on the bed and then pulls his shirt off over his head.
"Cade," I gasp, pushing myself up to a seated position to stare at the tattoo across his side. It's two wavy lines with Roman numerals etched in bold black script right beneath.
"You like it?" he asks, grinning at me. He steps closer to the bed, allowing me to run my fingertips along the ink. The bold color stands out on his skin. It's still a little red, but the black ink is sexy as hell.
"It's my sign," I whisper when I realize the lines are the Aquarius symbol and the Roman numerals beneath mean twenty-four…the day I was born.
"Now you're always with me," he says, reaching out to tug on my ponytail. He smiles at me and then drops to his knees in front of me. His hand disappears into his pocket only to reappear a second later with a small jewelry box, which sends my heart into overdrive.
"I was going to give this to you later, but I'm thinking you should have it now," he says, looking me in the eyes.
My hands shake when he pops it open and slips out a ring. It's a gorgeous platinum band with a heart-shaped emerald. The gemstone is surrounded by a delicate pair of hands, with a crown nestled over the top. A small diamond rests in the center. It's beautiful.
Fight for You: A Second Chance Romance (A Warrior for Her Book 1) Page 18