"I will," I promise Cade anyway, unable to deny him anything with worry shining in those eyes of his.
"Are you avoiding me?" Mariah demands, cornering me in the teacher's lounge at noon on Thursday.
I glance up from my chicken salad to find her standing in the doorway with a hand on her hip and a scowl on her face. "No," I say, only partially lying. "I've just had a lot of meetings with parents this week."
She harrumphs at me and then sashays over to the fridge before prowling around inside. Once she's got her lunch bag and bottle of water, she drops down in a chair across from me and cocks a brow. "You going to tell me what happened with Cade or not?"
"We talked," I say, pushing the rest of my salad to the side. I pick up the cap from my water bottle and fiddle with it, keeping my eyes off my best friend. Truth is, I have been avoiding her. I'm worried about what she's going to say when I tell her I'm sleeping with Cade. I don't want to see the condemnation in her eyes.
"You fucked, didn't you?" she says, a little too loudly.
"Shh," I hiss, hurriedly glancing around. We're the only two in the lounge, thank God. The last thing I need is for Principal Withers to overhear us discussing my sex life on school grounds. He'd have a fit and fire us both. The man has no sense of humor.
"You are sleeping with him," she says, speaking more quietly this time. Her dark eyes narrow on me and she points a manicured nail in my direction. "Spill it, sister. Now."
"I…" I'm not sure how to explain what we're doing together. It's not just sex to me and I know it isn't to him either. We've been inseparable the last few days. When we're not making love, we talk about everything and nothing. But I also know there's a lot he still hasn't told me. Like why he thinks I'll hate him, or what all his tattoos mean. There's a lot still unsettled between us. I don't even know if he plans to stay in Los Angeles or if he's still planning to return to Seattle once Kaleo is dealt with.
Jesus, what if this is only temporary for him?
No, I don't believe that.
"He's still in love with me," I whisper, partly to Mariah, partly as a reminder to myself. Whatever is going on between us, it's not temporary. I know that much.
"Obviously," she says with a snort.
"I'm still in love with him," I admit.
"Duh." Mariah laughs at me and then must see something on my face. She falls silent, her expression turning serious. "You've been in love with him forever, January. After he left, I thought you'd eventually find someone else and forget about him, but I forced you to go on date after date and you never clicked with anyone. Eventually, I realized that you would always be hung up on Michael. He's always been your one."
"I never wanted to click with anyone else." I frown, thinking about what he said about waiting for me. He may have been over a thousand miles away, but I think my heart always knew things weren't over between us. How could I click with someone else when I always felt like I was his?
"Is he moving back?" Mariah asks, popping a strawberry into her mouth.
The question sends a ripple of worry through me.
"We haven't talked about it." I bite my lip and peek at my best friend. "There's a lot we haven't talked about."
She frowns at me.
"I stopped him," I say before she can blame him. He wanted to tell me the truth, but I chickened out and didn't let him. "He started telling me about why he left, but I didn't let him."
"Why not?"
I sigh, the sound full of reluctance. I don't want to admit the truth to her. I'm not even sure I want to admit it to myself, but I guess that ship sailed before I slept with him. We haven't been using protection and I'm not on birth control. Now isn't the time to play the coward.
"Because whatever he's hiding is the reason he left me," I admit, facing the painful truth. "He's covered in tattoos about me. He almost died, more than once. He's been shot, stabbed, and beaten so many times over the years. Whatever he thinks he did that was so bad…he's been punishing himself for it ever since."
"You're afraid," she guesses and reaches out to hold my hand.
"I'm terrified. He told me that I should hate him. That he's the reason I lost everything." I lick my lips, trying to work moisture back into my mouth. "What if he's right?"
That's why I stopped him when he tried to tell me the truth. Because I was terrified he was right and I'm not ready to face that possibility. I barely survived losing him last time. What if he's right and I have to let him go all over again? I don't think I can let him go.
"What if he's right about what?" Mariah asks, her voice gentle. "Say it, January."
I open my mouth, but the words won't form. They're stuck in my throat, lodged there like they have been for the last decade. So many times, I've tried to push them out…tried to force myself to face what happened. But I've never been strong enough to do it. The one, and only, time I said the words out loud, I lost Cade.
My eyes fill with tears and I shake my head, silently telling her I can't do it.
She gives me a sad frown and squeezes my hand like she understands. "You're still stuck back there, January. And I think he is, too. Neither of you ever let yourself face what happened. You never let yourselves heal. You need to hear what he has to say and I think he needs to say it. Until you do, you're always going to be stuck, unable to heal. So is he."
She's right. I know she is, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying a thought.
"You both deserve to be happy. Maybe that's together. Maybe it's not. But you'll never know for sure unless you work through this." She pulls me into a tight hug. "You're strong enough to do this. You just have to let yourself believe that."
"Okay," I agree, not at all sure she's right about that part. But for a chance at a future with Cade…I think I have to try.
"What in the world?" I mumble, staring through the windshield of my car. The front windows of my house—which Cade had replaced on Monday—now have ornate bars over them. So do the ones around the side of the house. I have a feeling the rest of the windows are exactly the same. I'm not sure if I want to strangle Cade for putting bars on them or kiss him for caring enough about my safety to go to such lengths to protect me.
"Before you kill me," he says from the couch when I step through the front door, "I can explain."
He actually seems nervous as he pushes a hand through his hair. His full lips are turned down into a frown and his blue-gray eyes are locked on my face. He's dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. The cut on his arm is healing and the stitches are gone…though I have a feeling he probably snipped them out himself instead of letting a doctor do it. His black t-shirt stretches over his broad shoulders and clings deliciously to the muscles in his upper arms and chest. Even with bare feet, he looks a little wild, more like a gang member himself than a federal agent who's dedicated his life to bringing them down.
"You put bars on my windows." I set my purse down and kick my heels off, trying not to be distracted by the heat pooling low in my belly. Something beeps beside me, pulling my eyes to the wall. There's a little keypad installed by the front door. The scent of sawdust lingering in the air suddenly makes sense. "You had an alarm installed?"
"I can explain," he says again and swallows hard. He pushes himself to his feet and takes two steps in my direction, disarming the alarm. Once that's done, he shoves his hands in his pockets. His gaze darts away from me, settling on the floor at my feet before he finally lifts his eyes to mine. "I need to know you're safe when you're here. They were already out here installing security at Ma Rose's house. I figured it wouldn't hurt to have them wire up your place too."
"Cade, I can't afford all of this," I whisper, not sure if I'm mad at him for going overboard or if I'm disappointed that I have to disappoint him by telling him to take it all back. There's no way I can afford whatever this cost. I don't teach in this neighborhood because of the pay, which is laughable. Even though I live alone, luxuries like alarm systems and constant monitoring are out of the question.
"You don't have to," h
e hurries to assure me. He takes another couple steps in my direction, seeming more like his usual confident self. He stops in front of me and tips my face up with a finger beneath my chin. "I've got it covered."
"You can't just pay to put bars on my windows and install a security system," I tell him, trying to keep my voice soft because I don't want to fight about this. He was trying to help, and honestly, this is who he is. He's too damn sweet and a little bit obsessive and does what he thinks is best, whether I like it or not.
He's always been that way. I love knowing those old habits of his weren't smothered out by the life he's led since we were last together. But I can't just let him take over.
He studies me for a minute, something a lot like fear whispering through his expression before he manages to school it. "I can afford it, January," he says, speaking so quietly it's like he's whispering. "They're targeting you because of me. It's on me to take care of the problem. Besides, you're mine. That means I get to pay for shit like this."
"I am yours," I agree with him because I like saying it as much as I think he likes hearing it. And I think we both know the last ten years were an interlude, not an ending between us. "But I don't want you to feel like being with me means you have to pay for everything. I may not make much, but I can take care of myself. And Kaleo's targeting me because I refuse to give him this block. That's not on you."
Cade sighs heavily, casting his eyes up to the ceiling like he's searching for a little patience.
"This isn't about me being stubborn, Cade," I whisper, reaching up to touch his face. His gaze falls back to mine. "If we're going to make this work, we have to be partners. You have to let me do my part, and you have to discuss things with me before you do them. I love that you want to keep me safe, but I've been on my own for a long time. You can't just sweep in and take over. That's not fair to either of us."
He searches my face for a long moment and then turns on his heel and stalks across the living room. "Stay right there," he orders before disappearing into my bedroom.
I stare after him for a moment and then shake my head and go sit on the couch. He's so frustrating sometimes. Trying to get inside his head and figure out what he's thinking is all but impossible. He's so used to being in charge that he barks orders like a drill sergeant, fully expecting to be obeyed.
Even as a kid, he was a little alpha. I loved that about him then and I love it as much now, but I've never been great at blind obedience. I'm not one of the gang members he's used to dealing with. I'll never just lay down and let him bulldoze over me.
"I need you to let me say what I need to say before you respond," he says, coming back into the living room with a sheaf of papers in his hands. He strides toward me and drops them on the couch. Before I can reach for them, he lifts me up into his arms and then sits back down with me in his lap. The tension in his expression and in the set of his shoulders leeches away as if having me in his arms soothes him just like being in them eases me.
As soon as he touches me, I feel better. Stronger. Like whatever he's hiding from me isn't so bad and we can make it through unscathed. Except that little voice of doubt keeps niggling, whispering that I need to look before I leap or we'll both end up shattered into pieces all over again.
"I never knew my mom's parents," he says when I don't say anything. "From what I know, they weren't great parents. They treated her like a possession and expected her to be exactly who they wanted her to be. She didn't agree, so she ran away the minute she turned eighteen. She had me a little over a year later. Even after my dad ran out on us, she never looked back."
I run a hand through his hair and cuddle up against his chest, trying to comfort him. I never got to know my dad. He took off on my mom when I was just a baby, but I never spent much time thinking about him. If he wanted to be a part of my life, he had plenty of opportunity. Listening to Cade talk about his family makes my heart hurt for him though. His dad left him and then he lost his mom. He was so young. It really isn't fair.
"Her parents died when I was little," he says, rubbing my back. "I never met them. But Ma Rose knew them. She was my mom's nanny when my mom was a little girl. She practically raised my mom because mom's parents—my grandparents—were too busy with their own lives to spare much attention to the baby they brought into this world."
"I'm sorry," I whisper and press a kiss to his chest.
"When my mom died, someone contacted Ma Rose after they couldn't find my dad. I guess it was in my mom's will that I should be given into her care if anything ever happened. Ma Rose picked me up at the group home a couple weeks after the accident. She told me about my grandparents, about how they treated my mom. She told me they died when I was little." He takes a deep breath. "She didn't tell me they were rich."
I tip my head back to look up at his face. He's pale, his eyes haunted. His face is pinched, his lips compressed into a thin line like he's trying not to throw up.
"I didn't know about any of that when we were growing up, January. I just knew my mom was dead and Ma Rose was my family. That you and Titan were my family."
"Of course we were your family," I whisper to him, trying to ease his mind and erase the pained expression on his face. I focus on him and only on him, pushing all those emotions trying to break to the surface back down into the little box where they belong.
"The day Ma Rose died, Titan told me that we were drifting apart. That you and I were going to get out of this neighborhood and leave him behind. He was so sure it was going to happen," Cade says, his eyes far away. "I tried to tell him that shit would never happen, but he wouldn't listen. And then the hospital called and you came out to tell me I needed to go."
I remember that day. I was so mad at Titan for going through my stuff. We were watching television and I asked him to go get my backpack so I could show him something. He came out of my room five minutes later with my birth control in his hand, yelling at me about being too young to have sex. I tried to tell him that Cade and I weren't sleeping together, but he didn't want to hear it. He called me a slut.
I slapped him. I was so upset with him. He wouldn't stop shouting at me like I'd done something wrong. As soon as I hit him, I felt bad about it, but then he said he was going to kill Cade for touching me and tried to leave to go find him. There was no way I was going to let him ruin their friendship for no reason. I don't even remember throwing the remote at him, but I did.
The next thing I knew, Cade was there, running interference like he always did. Except it was different this time. I'd never seen Titan so angry before, and I knew things between the three of us would never be the same.
"When we got to the hospital, Ma Rose told me about my grandparents," Cade says. "She said they were millionaires." His voice drops to a whisper, so faint I barely hear him even though I'm sitting on his lap. "She told me they left it all to my mom when they died."
I don't know what to say to that.
"My mom never touched the money," he says when I don't respond. "She didn't want anything to do with it. She…" He stops and swallows hard. Takes a deep breath. "She left it all to me."
"What…" I'm the one who stops this time. I have to lick my lips to work moisture back into my mouth. "What are you saying, Cade?"
"I'm saying that the day Ma Rose died, I found out I'm a millionaire," he says, holding my gaze. He still looks haunted, like he's terrified of what I'm going to think or what I'm going to say. "I didn't want the money. I didn't ask for it. All I knew was that the people who hurt my mom left behind all this money she didn't want anything to do with. Ma Rose was dying. Titan was so sure we were going to disappear and leave him here. I didn't want the money to change us, so I never said anything. Not until…" He shakes his head, immense pain reflecting in his eyes. "I never said anything because I didn't want to lose the only family I had left."
"Oh, Cade," I whisper, not sure what else to say. He had to have been so confused and afraid, finding out he had all this money while the woman who raised him was dying in f
ront of him. I bet it broke his heart to learn she could have had the best medical care all along.
He loved Ma Rose intensely. Losing her was hard on him. I can't imagine what was going through his head. It hurts to know he kept this secret from me for so long, but I don't blame him for it. I'm not angry at him over it. I wish he would have told me so he didn't have to carry that burden alone, but the money wouldn't have mattered to me. I never cared about money. All I cared about was him.
He picks up the sheaf of papers before dropping them in my lap. I don't look at them though. Nothing they might tell me will impact how I feel about him. I loved him when he was just the sweet little boy growing up in poverty right next door to me. I love him now that I know different. I've loved him a thousand different ways and I always will. All the money in the world won't change that. It can't.
"I've only touched the money twice," he whispers, still not looking directly at me. "To pay for…" He stops and swallows. He opens his mouth and then closes it again like he's trying to find a way to force the words out. "To help pay for…"
"The funerals," I whisper, saying out loud what he can't. The words hurt like hell. All those old wounds, all that pain I've been refusing to think about or deal with for so long creeps a little closer.
He nods. "And once after I left, to make sure Ma Rose's house was taken care of. I couldn't sell it and I didn't want it to fall apart, but I couldn't come back. You told me to leave and I…I couldn't come back."
"Why couldn't you come back?" I ask, knowing we can't put this off anymore. He needs to tell me what he's been hiding, and I need to hear it.
"Because I'm the reason they died, January," he says, his voice breaking. "Your mom and Titan were murdered because of me."
Chapter Sixteen
Michael
Age Twenty-One
"You asked her to marry you?" Titan asks as soon as I step out onto the front porch and close the door behind me. He's standing on the far side, his arms braced on the railing and his back to me. His head hangs low between his shoulders. Defeat radiates from him.
Fight for You: A Second Chance Romance (A Warrior for Her Book 1) Page 20