In her closet, she put on each underwear item her husband had put together for her - stockings, garter, panties, and bra in black silk. She slipped into the delicate black lace dress with a princess neckline and three-quarter sleeves. Then she stepped into a gorgeous pair of heels.
Naturally, everything fit perfectly. Dressing her was something he’d taken great pleasure in from the start.
She tucked the chain holding his wedding ring under her dress and found simple diamond studs to put in her ears. Her wedding ring was her only other jewelry. Picking up the hat and half-veil, she stared at herself in the oversized mirror.
“You’d love the way I look today, Bennett. Classic and feminine - your two favorite fashion choices for me.” She laughed softly and grabbed a handkerchief from her linen drawer to blot her tears. “I h-hope you can see me.”
Leaving her room, Mary-Margaret waited in the hall beside James. “How lovely you look, darling. Bennett never failed to pick just the right outfits for you. Let me help with the hat.” Rowan lowered to the chair outside her door. A minute later, the assistant said gently, “There. Perfect.”
As James escorted her through the house, the staff murmured their condolences to her. She nodded but couldn’t speak as tears flowed and flowed.
The mausoleum on the estate was positioned in the furthest corner of the cleared land directly behind the house. A grand copper pergola shielded the mourners from the direct sun. Her heels sounded too loud on the marble. Men and women stood as her bodyguard led her to the front row of chairs on the left.
The pastor who’d married them gave her a sad smile as Rowan sat between James and Mary-Margaret. Nina, Gage, and Miss Jeffries sat on the assistant’s other side.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Jefferson,” the pastor said.
She managed a silent nod as James pressed another handkerchief into her hand and took the one already soaked with her tears.
For an hour, people got up to take the podium and speak about the passing of a good man. Each of them talked about the incredible joy that infused him when he met Rowan.
Samuel Fields stood with his hands folded. “I knew Bennett Jefferson for more than forty years. We were roommates our freshman year of college. I watched him build on the empire his father started, make mistakes most mortal men tend to make, find the ever-efficient Mary-Margaret, and take young James under his wing.”
Clearing his throat, he looked at Rowan. “I knew Ben when he was strong. When he climbed mountains and skydived on a dare. It was rare not to see him on the back of a horse when he was home.”
One of the wealthiest men in the world blinked against tears. “A few years ago, he was on a ski trip with us. Showing our daughter Ellie how to take the hill. He collapsed, out of breath, and we had him airlifted to the closest hospital. He laughed it off but the doctor stole his laughter when the lab results came back.”
Rowan sobbed painfully hard as quietly as she could. Mary-Margaret and James held her firmly between them.
“They put him on the list for a transplant but during two simpler procedures, he coded on the table. No matter what they tried, they almost lost him. They knew he’d never survive the surgery for a new heart. He told himself his doctor was overreacting. Until the day James saved his life after Ben attempted to take a single flight of steps like he used to.”
Shaking his head, Samuel’s voice was quieter. “After that, he was angry all the time. He resented the restrictions, the way he had to live, and regularly threatened to take himself out of the game. He was given a year to live and made plans to end it on his terms.” The man roughly wiped at his tears. “Then he met you, Rowan.”
There was the sound of crying from Samuel’s wife and several others. Rowan felt as if her heart was going to stop from the pain.
“I’ve never seen a human being’s state of mind improve so much in a matter of days. Ben refused to let us - all his closest friends - meet you. He wanted you to himself for as long as possible.” He smiled. “We got forty years, he said, and the rest belonged to you. It must have been amazing to reach his age and fall in love for the first time in his life.”
Holding the sides of the podium, Samuel stared into Rowan’s eyes from ten feet away. “I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry you didn’t have more time with Ben. I regret that you didn’t know him before he got sick. Your complete devotion to him in every way turned the end of his life around. Thank you for reminding him what laughter and conversation was like, for showing him what it was to be loved. We would have lost him a lot sooner without you.”
Walking to Rowan, Samuel crouched in front of her and she tried to pull herself together without success.
Softly, he told her, “Bennett called you his fearless lioness. When the wounds to your heart heal - and they will, Rowan - return to your life with a roar.”
“I-I…” Shaking her head, she couldn’t speak.
“Let the people around you hold you up until you can stand. My family is forever in your debt and we’re here if you need us.”
“Th-thank...thank you, Samuel.”
Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to her forehead through the veil. “I’m sorry, Rowan.”
He went to sit beside his wife, wrapped his arm around her, and murmured at her ear as she cried.
The pastor resumed the podium and said, “If everyone will please bow your head.” After his prayer, he announced, “Mrs. Jefferson has prepared a reception at the house. If everyone will follow that young man, he’ll escort you.”
To James, she whispered, “I-I need a few minutes with Bennett.” He nodded and helped her to her feet.
He led her into the bright marble building that held Bennett’s parents and his younger brother who’d died in a car accident before Rowan was born.
Bennett’s coffin sat on a pedestal in the center beneath a skylight. The sun shining on him made Rowan’s breath catch. James let her go and stayed back.
Approaching the coffin, Rowan stared at her husband’s profile and reached out to smooth the silver at his temples. “Hello, my darling. You look gorgeous as always.” Removing a folded piece of paper from inside her bra, she tucked it in his suit behind the silk pocket square. “You used to love when I left handwritten notes on your desk. I wrote you one more, saying all the things I always wanted to say.” She laughed through painful tears. “Some of it is absolutely scandalous, Bennett.”
She swallowed around the lump in her throat and placed her palm on his chest.
“Three days after I met you, you told me about your heart. Knowing my time with you would be limited, I let myself fall in love with you anyway.”
Leaning heavily on the edge of the coffin, she worked to get her hysteria under control.
“You broke down the walls I put up to keep people from getting too close, Bennett. Being near you, hearing your voice, watching the expressions on your face, being part of your magnificent world...it changed everything.”
Closing her eyes, she tried to breathe. “I understand why you left me. I swear I do. The method, Bennett...it haunts me. I-I can’t get your last minutes out of my mind and I hate myself for not stopping it, not trying to save you.” She whimpered. “If I’m pregnant, I’ll have to look at our child knowing I didn’t try to save you.”
She cried for several minutes, unable to speak.
Rowan placed her palm on his cool cheek. “Even though I knew the day would come, it still felt sudden and unexpected. The pain...it’s so much worse than the first time my heart broke, Bennett. I-I loved you as hard as I could and lost you anyway. I feel like a failure.” She smoothed her fingers over his lips and her tears fell to the silk that lined his coffin.
“I’m lonely without you. You knew me. I could tell you anything, ask you anything, and there was always honesty between us. You made me a better person in every way.”
Resting her forehead on her arm, she sobbed. “I’d trade every cent of your empire to have you back. We could thrift shop and live off r
amen noodles.” Staring at his face, she gasped, “I won’t let you down. I’ll take care of James and Mary-Margaret always. If I’m carrying our baby, it will know all about the incredible man you were.”
Stretching, she leaned over to kiss his lips. “I love you and I miss how it felt to be loved by you. I didn’t get enough time, Bennett. I wanted so much more.”
Backing slowly from the coffin, Rowan stared at him as long as she could because she could never be physically near him again. “Goodbye, Bennett.”
As she stepped out of the mausoleum, her heart accepted that Bennett was truly gone. Pain arced through her entire body and she couldn’t get enough air.
James caught her before she hit the ground.
Chapter Thirteen
Opening her eyes in confusion, Rowan realized she was laying on the couch in her office. Glancing at her arm, she frowned at the IV there.
James lowered to the coffee table and rested his elbows on his knees. “Listen to me, Rowan. I promised the man I wish could have been my father that I’d keep you safe. I plan to make sure I keep that promise as long as I’m alive.” He pointed at her stomach. “We won’t know for a couple of weeks but you and I are going to assume you’re carrying Bennett’s child. If that’s not the case, you soon will be because I know how much you want to keep him with you.”
His expression hardened. “Allowing yourself to get dangerously dehydrated isn’t good for you or a baby you might already be carrying. From now on, you’re going to take care of your physical self no matter how bad your heart hurts. Are we on the same page here?”
She nodded slowly.
“Good. You’ve been out for about forty minutes. The bag is almost empty. When it is, you’re going to eat something. I don’t care what it is as long as you eat.”
“Just curious...were you ever like this with Bennett?”
James snorted. “When he first found out about his heart, he threatened to fire me nine times in less than two months. You know that vase in his office with the cracks in it?” She tugged her lip between her teeth. “It was shattered when he threw it at me. Took me two weeks to put the fucking thing back together. I set it on his desk and told him to try harder next time. His rage was rare but awesome to behold.”
“I never saw it…”
“You calmed him, Rowan. Showed him that his life wasn’t over and gave him love he’d never felt before. He was never a morning person before he met you. When you moved in, he couldn’t wait to wake up every day.”
Tears slipped into her hair. “Thank you for telling me that.”
“We’re going to make it through this - me, you, and Mary-Margaret. We’re going to get through to the other side. Don’t make me fight you on the basics like eating and drinking. It splits my focus and I’m a wreck as it is.”
“I’ll do better. You have my word, James.” She pressed her palm to her stomach. “I keep forgetting I might be pregnant. The reason why overshadows everything else. Do you really think I am?”
The bodyguard huffed. “It’s the least the goddamn universe can do to balance the scales of this shit show.”
“You are so right.” Sighing, she moved to sit up and he took her hand to help. “Have them remove this thing. I need to talk to people. I won’t embarrass Bennett.”
“You could never. I’ll be right back.”
Movement behind her made Rowan turn her head. Mary-Margaret stood with Miss Jeffries, Gage, and Nina.
The assistant joined her on the couch and took her hand. “I explained you needed to rest a moment. Everyone understands so stay here as long as you need to.”
“Did the kitchen make those little cheese puffs?”
Mary-Margaret grinned. “Of course. They know how much you love them. Shall I make you a plate?”
“Yes, thank you. I’m going to get back on my feet. I won’t need everyone taking care of me forever.”
Slender fingers smoothed Rowan’s hair. “I rather like taking care of you, Rowan. I never had children and couldn’t stand the ones those women passed off as Bennett’s. They were hateful even when they were little. I’ve adored you from the start. Take the time you need. Get strong again. I’m happy to help.” Patting Rowan’s hand, she left the room.
Without looking at them, Rowan said, “Come sit. All of this is strange, awkward.”
Gage and Nina chose chairs on opposite sides of the couch from each other.
Miss Jeffries chuckled as she lowered to the couch beside Rowan. “We’ve known you since you were a girl. Shared good times and bad with you. Lost you for a while. All to get to this place. Full circle, Rowan.”
Staring into the older woman’s eyes, she said, “Gage told me about the renovations.”
“Bennett was a good man. I tried to talk him out of fixin’ up the house since I’ve taken fewer and fewer girls these last years. I’m gettin’ too old now. He wouldn’t hear it. Fixed the foundation, replaced the wirin’ and plumbin’, all new floors, paint, and windows. The room you and Nina shared don’t leak now. Maybe you’ll see the place soon.”
“I-I’d like that.”
“Your house is real pretty, Rowan. I sit on the porch sometimes and stare at it across the road. I lost the man I woulda married when he went off to Vietnam and never came back. I figured the Lord had another plan for me.”
“Miss Jeffries, you certainly fulfilled it. How many girls so far have gone through your house?”
“With the little ones I have now, more than ninety girls have slept under my roof over the years. Some went back to their families, a lot of others ended up bein’ adopted, and a couple...they ran off with this boy or that. I talk to a few now and again. Get a Christmas card or a phone call out of the blue.” She winked. “Your calls are like clockwork. Nina’s, too. Course, I see Gage real regular.”
“You’ve lived an incredible life, Miss Jeffries. Bennett admired you very much.”
James returned with the medic, who quickly removed Rowan’s IV and put a small bandage on her arm. He left and James closed the door, moving to stand beside it.
Miss Jeffries smiled. “Most of the lost ones that come through my door only stay a few months, a year or so. I had you and Nina the longest. Eight years for you, six for Nina.”
Rowan reached out to touch her hand. “I didn’t know that.”
“Y’all were the closest I ever got to kids of my own. Not supposed to play favorites but that gets hard. I’m only human and I sure do love you girls.”
“I love you, too.” Rowan’s voice was quiet.
“From the day they brought you to me, a pretty little wood sprite with a bandaged head and not a single memory older than a few weeks, I couldn’t get over how serious you were. Smart as a whip and determined to learn everything to make up for the ten years you were missin’. Had a real kind way with the other girls.”
Miss Jeffries turned her hand over and held Rowan’s. “Couple years later, state car drove up with Nina and you told me she was prettier than the Barbie the Chambers got you for Christmas. You were waitin’ on the porch when she got out and acted like you’d known her all your life. Poor thing looked like she hadn’t eaten in days and you sat her right down with pancakes left from breakfast. Talked a mile a minute. Y’all were two peas in a pod after that.”
Years of memories flooded into her mind and Rowan sighed. They’d never talked about the night before she left Daingerfield. She said now, “Looking back, I overreacted…”
“No. You did not overreact, Rowan,” Nina interrupted softly. “Gage got the blame because he was older and male but I’d fucked a dozen people before I ever showed up in Daingerfield and I knew exactly what I was doing. By the time I set my sights on him, I had more experience than he did and that’s the truth.”
“Nina…” Miss Jeffries had tears in her eyes.
The blonde cried silent tears. “I learned early how to use sex to get what I wanted and I didn’t hesitate, Rowan. In my twisted thinking, I thought to keep you with me by tying
the man you loved to me first. I was a disgusting, selfish person and I own that. You didn’t overreact and that you speak to me at all speaks to your character, not mine.”
Rowan stood and walked to the big chair beside the couch. She patted Nina’s leg and her friend moved over enough for them to sit together.
“Don’t you dare comfort me when you just lost your husband, Rowan,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Hush, drama queen.” Rowan held Nina’s face in her hands and they stared at each other. “I knew when you slept with men to pass classes or get free meals. I knew you’d been hurt and you used what you learned to survive. I knew it was never about the sex but the power, being in control.”
Nina closed her eyes as she cried.
“I was juvenile that night. I lashed out and hurt you. If I’d paused for just a second and remembered what I knew about you, Nina...I would have realized you never would have slept with Gage unless you were trying to protect yourself or get something you desperately needed.”
“Don’t you let me off the hook, damn it.”
“Too late. It was eight years ago.” She placed one hand over Nina’s heart. “As long as this is beating, you can start fresh. Your chances to do that only end when it stops. Bennett brought you and Gage back into my life because he knew how much I cared about you both. He knew every story - including that one - and he reached out to you anyway. He understood regrets and the need to make things right.”
Nina swiped at her tears. “When Bennett called me in New York, I said I couldn’t face you. He asked who my best friend was in my new life. I told him it was still you, would always be you. He dared me to show up, look you in the eye, and do better than I did before.”
Rowan smiled. “And being unable to turn down a dare…”
“Girl, right? Bought a ticket when I got off that call. I drank the whole flight and stumbled into Miss Jeffries’ place smelling like a distillery.” Arching her brow, she whispered, “She was not pleased.” Rowan chuckled. “We drove over the next day in Gage’s truck and I was sick as a dog from the booze and nerves.” Laughing softly, she shook her head. “You were classy as fuck about seeing us again.”
Coming Home: The Damaged Series - Book Three Page 12