She didn’t.
Hitting her fastest stride, she ran to the house her husband built her. Walking off the run, she hit her knees in the grass and sobbed brokenly.
“I’m sorry. Forgive me, Bennett. I’m sorry.”
Chapter Sixteen
Mary-Margaret came out of the house and tried to help her up. “Rowan…? Come inside, darling.”
Gasping for air, for stability, she said, “It’s just loneliness…”
“And if it is, so what?”
“Bennett…”
“Is no longer living, Rowan...but you are.”
She made it to her feet and ran into the house, Mary-Margaret calling her name. Taking the stairs, she slammed her bedroom door and released a scream.
For her grief.
For frustration unlike anything she’d ever felt.
Stumbling into her bathroom, she showered away her sweat and let her tears flow. So many fucking tears that never truly ended since she’d lost Bennett.
Leaning against the tile, she whispered, “Why build here? Why put him in my way?” She released a whimper. “I’m not strong enough, Bennett. You were wrong about me.”
Nina’s voice came from outside the shower stall. “Girl, get your drama queen ass out of there. We need to talk.”
“Later, I…”
“Now. Come on.”
Turning off the water, Rowan wrung out her hair. Opening the door, she met Nina’s eyes and started sobbing. Her friend wrapped her in a towel and gave her a shake. Then she walked across the bathroom, crossed her arms, and leaned against the counter with a shake of her head.
“You’re completely spun out, Rowan. Get dressed before I try to fuck some sense into you my own damn self.”
“N-now who’s being dramatic?”
Nina sighed. “I love you and didn’t always know love and sex could be separate.”
“I learned that with Bennett.”
“I’m aware. That’s why you’re beating yourself up about getting wet for Gage.”
“Oh, God.”
“Hustle your ass into some clothes, Rowan.”
In her closet, she quickly dressed in leggings and a t-shirt. Returning to the bathroom, she sat down to comb her hair and Nina took over. It was something they’d done for each other when they were kids.
“Alright. We’re going to break things down. Other than make out sessions with Gage and your one night with Bennett, were there any other experiences?” Rowan shrugged one shoulder and Nina’s eyes went wide. “No one else? Are you serious?”
“I-I was bitter at first. There were a few dates in college but the guys just pawed at me and acted like I was stupid.”
“You have got some crazy good standards.”
“Have you been with a lot of people?”
“I lost count by the time I was nineteen.” She plaited Rowan’s hair into a thick braid. “You’re not like me. You never were.” She met her eyes in the mirror. “I think you got confused. Loving someone you lost doesn’t mean you turn off your sexuality for the rest of your life.”
“It’s only been three months.”
“Wrong. It’s been twenty-six years with some kissing and a couple of hours of actual sex. Did you want Bennett before that night?”
“God, yes. I hid it when I was awake but...he told me I didn’t hide it when I was sleeping.” She twisted her hands in her lap. “That’s one of the reasons he was driven to-to do what he did.”
“Wait...you think Bennett only wanted you because you grabbed his cock a few times in your sleep?” Rowan gasped and Nina snickered. “I didn’t realize you were still like this.”
“Like...what?”
“Innocent as a newborn calf. Stand up.” Nina was taller and looked over Rowan’s shoulder in the mirror when she was on her feet. “Alright. Clearly, Gage was too busy trying not to fuck you to explain why he wanted to and Bennett probably mentioned your body as little as possible to keep from getting hard and subsequently dying.”
“Nina…”
“Hush. Nobody on this planet is better equipped to have this conversation with you. I think like a man about ninety percent of the time.” Pointing to Rowan’s face, she said, “You have the biggest blue eyes I’ve ever seen and always look like you’re wearing makeup on your lashes. Your skin is flawless and your lips look like they were made for blowjobs.”
“Oh, Nina!”
Ignoring her, she moved her hand down to hover around Rowan’s breasts. “These are gorgeous. A perfect C-cup - not too big, not too small, nice lift without a bra. You’re fit in your arms and belly.” Hands on Rowan’s hips, she shook her slightly. “These are curvy but firm from all the running you do and flow into a lovely ass and hot legs that look like they could crush a man’s skull when he’s between them.”
Rowan’s blush was nuclear. “For goodness’ sake, Nina!”
“You’re adorable. Hasn’t anyone ever told you about your body?”
“I mean, guys whistle at me when I run but they do that to everyone.”
Nina laughed. “Yeah, catcalls are definitely not the way to determine desirability. Rowan, you’re a beautiful woman with a brain as hot as the rest of you.”
“Th-thank you.”
“The night of Bennett’s birthday, you were dressed sexier than I’d ever seen you. Did Bennett do that?”
“I think he’d been planning everything for a while.”
“How did you feel in that dress?”
“Exposed at first, I guess. Confident as the evening went on and-and Bennett touched me a lot.”
Nina took her hand and led her from the bathroom. Nudging her gently to the sofa in the seating area, her friend sat beside her.
“The first time I talked Gage into sex, I used you as a trigger.”
“You didn’t…”
“Oh, I did. I was a cunt. I talked about how beautiful you were and how hard he always was if you were within touching distance. I told him to close his eyes and pretend I was you. It was the best sex of my jaded fucking life for years because he was thinking about you, Rowan.”
Blinking rapidly, Rowan didn’t know what to say.
“I told you, I was a disgusting person then. All fucked up in every way imaginable.” Nina cleared her throat. “After the first time, I told him he might as well keep pretending until he could get the real thing. He wasn’t the first man I manipulated into doing my bidding - or the last. I used his greatest weakness against him. You were his weakness when you were seventeen and you still are, Rowan.”
“Bennett…”
“Stop.” Rowan glanced up. “Bennett built this house next door to the first man you loved. Bought the land it’s on from Gage himself when there are better locations in this town for what you needed.”
Nina stood up and went to the window, pointing through the glass. “Made sure you glimpse Gage’s house every morning when you open your eyes. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known. Why do you think he did that, Rowan?”
“I-I don’t…”
“No lies. You suck at it.”
Inhaling deeply, she whispered, “To put Gage in my way.”
“He knew you’d need a lot of things after he died, Rowan. Time to heal, a baby to love, and a man to expand on what Bennett taught you during your one night together. He also knew from personal experience how hard you love and that Gage still held a piece of you.”
“He doesn’t…”
“I said no lies, Rowan.”
“I-I don’t want him to.”
“Not the same thing and you know it.”
“I’m not ready, Nina.”
“That’s okay...but there’s a difference in not being ready now and telling yourself you’re a horrible person if you ever have another lover.” Nina returned to sit beside her. “Your heart needs more time but your body is ready to go today.”
Rowan clenched her hands tightly. “I just lost Bennett, I’m pregnant, and I’m confused. Gage is a distraction that makes my bod
y freak out. I c-can’t control it.”
“To me, sex is therapy because I don’t know how to have a normal goddamn relationship. I know you’re not like that but you’re giving sex too much thought. Yes, you only recently lost Bennett but other than his last hours, you were celibate your entire relationship. Everyone knows you devoted your life to him and loved him deeply...but you also sacrificed. Then he flipped a switch and died. That switch is stuck in the on position and you’re grieving - a time when you need human connection most.”
“What are you telling me to do, Nina?”
“You’re a grown ass woman with billions in the bank and control of an international company. Figure it out, smartest person in the room. Bennett loved you and wouldn’t want to see you all fucked up like you are now.” She winked. “Less stress...more stress relief.”
Exhaling roughly, Rowan said, “Let me think about it.”
“Thinking won’t have anything to do with anything if you find yourself alone with the man you’ve loved half your life.” Nina grinned. “That happens, just go with it and you can purge your weird guilt to me after.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure thing.”
“You reacted pretty strongly to the twins…”
“And...we’re done chatting. Don’t add my shit to your big to-do list. I’m good.”
“I think you’re lying…”
Leaning forward until they were almost nose to nose, Nina said softly, “You’d never know because I’m an excellent actress. Feed me.”
“Fine, glutton. I don’t know where you put it.”
“Wherever it will fit. Quit stalling.”
They walked downstairs with Nina singing a show tune and entered the kitchen. Rowan stopped so suddenly that her friend ran into her back. James and Mary-Margaret went quiet.
Gage stood in her house.
Chapter Seventeen
Hands on his hips, Gage looked Rowan in the eye and said firmly, “We’re havin’ our talk now, sweetheart. It’s about nine years overdue.”
When she didn’t argue, he opened the door to the back porch and held it wide. Silent and still, he waited.
In a daze, Rowan crossed the kitchen floor in her bare feet and walked outside. Gage’s horse was tethered to the rail. It snuffed at her and she took a step back with a squeal.
“First things first. This is Roosevelt - I call him Teddy. He’s a Quarter Horse, big for his breed, and I’ve had him since he was a yearlin’.”
She cleared her throat. “You b-bought him from Sunny.”
He grinned. “You remember.” Bending, he lifted Rowan’s hand and placed her palm on Teddy’s nose. “He’s gentle. Used to bein’ around kids and smaller animals. Real good with the cows.”
“He’s warm and soft.”
“He won’t hurt you, Rowan.” In a low voice, he added, “I won’t hurt you either.”
Blinking against tears that instantly welled, she found the courage to look at him. “You can’t...promise that.”
“I damn well can.”
“I don’t...everyone keeps saying that Bennett is dead, that he’d want me to be happy.” She swallowed hard. “I know both of those things.”
“It doesn’t make you hurt less. I know how much you loved him, Rowan. I’m not tryin’ to take his place, I’m not tryin’ to make you forget him. I liked and respected Bennett. Not just as a man but as your man. He treated you right, loved you right, and didn’t take you for granted.” One shoulder lifted in a shrug. “I can’t say any of that.”
“It was a long time ago.”
Shaking his head, he replied, “Not to me. Not to Nina either - no matter how she pretends otherwise.”
He stared at the land and she took in his profile. Strong jaw, high cheekbones, long lashes, firm lips - he’d always been good looking. The passing of time had matured him, changed him in subtle ways, but when she looked at him, all she saw was the boy she fell in love with.
Facing her without blinking, he said, “I’m sorry, Rowan. I didn’t mean to hurt you like I did. I went from desperate to guilty to greedy so quick and...I was gainin’ speed, slidin’ downhill a little faster with every mistake I added to the first one. I knew what I was doin’. I made excuses for it, then I started tellin’ myself you’d understand, maybe even be willin’ to absolve me of all guilt by bein’ part of it.”
Shaking his head roughly, he gave a bitter laugh. “The things a man will tell himself to keep bein’ a selfish piece of shit.”
“You’re not a piece of shit, Gage. Neither of you were. Just young, foolish, and full of hormones.”
“Nah, honey. I was a grown man. I patted myself on the back for goin’ a whole nine months without fuckin’ and threw everything I wanted with you in the trash.”
She patted the horse gently and stared at a white diamond shape in the center of his forehead.
“Bennett told me most men aren’t worth a damn until they hit thirty. Before that, he said they’re led around by their dick without an ounce of sense.” Remembering the way he’d said it made her smile. Imitating his crisp voice, she said, “All the blood is diverted south and we are dumb as rocks, Rowan.”
Gage laughed. “Sounds about right. I really liked him.”
“Me, too. Even though he was thirty-five years older, we had a lot in common, a lot to talk about. We-we never ran out of conversation.”
“You’re an old soul. That’s what Sweet Pea always said about you, remember? The two of you could talk for hours.”
“I haven’t thought about her in a long time.” Gage’s great-grandmother had taken a liking to Rowan when she was thirteen. She died when Rowan started high school and it hit everyone who knew her hard. “She was always kind to me.”
“She loved you.”
Trailing her hand over Teddy’s head to his ears, she scratched behind them. The animal leaned into her touch.
“You’re like a big dog.”
“Let me put you on him.”
“Oh, no...I can’t. I’m not even wearing shoes.”
“Sure you can. You’re fearless. I’ll walk you around the yard.” She put her hands over her stomach. “I’d never put you or your baby in danger. I won’t let you fall.”
“O-okay.”
He bent and lifted her in his arms. Making a clicking sound with his tongue, Gage got Teddy to back closer to the steps leading into the yard and set Rowan in the saddle.
“It’s high!”
With him on the steps, they were eye to eye. “Rowan?” She looked at him. “Breathe and trust me.”
Unwinding the reins from the porch rail, he walked into the grass. Putting his palm at Rowan’s lower back, he gave a small whistle and Teddy started to walk.
Instant panic. “Gage...!”
“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Feel the way his muscles adjust when he moves. He’s steady and he never spooks.”
Her heart raced and she panted fearfully through her lips.
Gage put her palm on Teddy’s neck. “Feel that power, Rowan. Can you feel it?”
Focusing on the horse, she took a deep breath. Teddy was calm, warm, and undeniably powerful. She’d seen him run, unleash his speed with Gage on his back but he walked slow and steady carrying Rowan.
There was something about the rhythm of the horse that calmed her fear - that calmed her, period.
Stroking her fingers through his mane, she didn’t understand her tears but there was something different about them.
Gage said softly, “Lean over the saddle a bit.” He bounded up behind her and wrapped one arm around her torso. “Close your eyes, sweetheart.”
She did, blushing at the way he felt pressed against her back. Her body was stiff, nervous.
“Bennett loved talkin’ about his horses.” She nodded. “It was one of his greatest regrets, not bein’ able to teach you to ride. Said he wouldn’t trust just anybody but he wouldn’t mind if I gave it a try one day.”
Tears slipped from under her closed lids to t
he back of Gage’s arm holding her.
At her ear, he whispered, “Pretend Bennett got the chance to put you in the saddle, Rowan. That he showed you the power you never knew could be at your fingertips. I don’t mind. Keep your eyes closed and experience what it would have been like if he’d been healthier when you met him.”
The gentle movements of the horse lulled Rowan into a sort of dream state. She imagined Bennett behind her, holding her, showing her one of the things he loved most.
She could see Bennett’s smile, the way his eyes would light up, being on the back of one of his prized horses - maybe showing off a little and laughing as he called himself on it.
Her body relaxed bit by bit until her back rested against Gage’s chest. Her palm cupped the thick muscle of his thigh.
“Everything was taken from you piece by piece,” she murmured. “Stealing who you were one day at a time.” Her tears fell faster but they didn’t burn. “All the things you loved drifting further and further out of your reach.”
“Never you, Rowan. You never drifted.”
“Now you’re the one out of reach.”
A warm palm settled on her belly and a soft voice said, “Leavin’ a piece behind for you to love.”
Teddy stopped and Rowan blinked at the bright day in confusion. “Gage…? I-I’m sorry.”
He kissed the back of her head. “Connection with the horse, connection with a person, a chance to clear your mind. It’s what I hoped for, Rowan.”
He gave her a gentle hug with the arm around her and slipped to the ground. Reaching up, he lifted her off Teddy’s back and carried her to the porch. Placing her gently on her feet on the step that put them eye to eye, he smiled.
“Connection and comfort don’t have to mean sex, Rowan. They never have to - not with me or anybody else. Let me help you through the worst of it. Make sure you get your baby in the world safe and sound.”
Stepping close, he gathered her into a hug. Strong arms around her, the scent of horse and male surrounded her. It was nothing she expected but exactly what she needed.
When she started to cry, he held her closer, his palm on the back of her head. “That’s it. It’s okay. Take what you really need that isn’t gonna make your pain worse after.”
Coming Home: The Damaged Series - Book Three Page 15